How do I handle my mother's refusal to move with my husband and I?

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My husband got a 20,000 dollar pay cut at work he found a new wonderful job an hour north of where we currently live. We live in Colorado and the weather can be harsh making travel very dangerous from Oct. To June sometimes. We want to get as close to his new work as possible. My mother is freaking out as I'm her taxi to all her medical appts. Shopping etc.
She says things to me like "Your Killing Me," crying and going on and on. She is extremly self centered. She is not concered about our financial needs or my husbands commute. She is so verbally abusive. I know she is scared that I won't be 8 houses down from her to be at her disposal when ever she wants.
My husband and I have told her to come with us. She is stubborn!!! She could live with us or we could find her a home of her own. She says no she's not moving . How do my husband and I deal with this???
I have a brother 30 minutes from us but he's stoned all the time and can't be of any help with her. I have 2 sisters and another brother in another state who are not going to move her to drive her around.
Mom says you kids were my whole life and I gave you everything I had and now I'm going to be alone.

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How do you deal with it? You move as needed.

How does your mother deal with it, well that is up to her. If she starts ranting, tell her you offered to help her move too, but since she has made the choice to stay put, then she will have to make arrangements for her appointments etc., as you will no longer be in town. If she keeps it up, you leave, hang up the phone or otherwise disengage.
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Oh, my. That is a major guilt card she is laying on you. I don't think you have any other option except to move. This could be life-saving in the Colorado winters. Your mother can either stay or go. If she decides to stay she can hire someone to do the things you used to. Before I came to live with my parents, my mother hired someone to take her to the doctor or to the store. It worked okay. Maybe your mother would agree to something like that, although she'll probably try to guilt you until the moment you leave. I hope it isn't too unpleasant for you.
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Here children are her life but YOU are the only one that actually lives near her and caters to her. Maybe point that out.

As far as dealing with it, you tell her you are moving and she needs to figure out what her next move is. I really wouldn't invite her to LIVE with you after how you described her though.
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I don't know if I have any good advice but I think I would just tell her that when you were a child, you would have moved if she did. Now she will have to move when you do or she will have less time with you. "I love you Mom, that is why we offered to have you come with us."
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How do you handle it? Calmly. (Practice.) "I'm sorry your feel that us children are your whole life. Perhaps you will enjoy expanding your interests." "Mom, this isn't getting us anywhere. I'll let you compose yourself, and come back later." etc. Stop explaining, pleasing, reasoning. You made an offer. She can accept or reject it.
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Just what I was thinking, lkdrymom. Time for your siblings to step up, since THEY "are her life," too.

Does she have any friends in the area, or are you ALL for her (taxi driver, social support, etc.)?
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I was going to say "gratefully." But that may be a bit rough on poor mother.

Your mother has four children. The last functioning one is about to leave the area. Day-to-day, she will be on her tod. From her point of view, this is poor thanks for her sacrifice and dedication (which she did give you. Never mind the quality for a moment, they were given!). Oh woe.

But it is not your fault and not your problem.

Also, hang on, I've only just twigged to this - you're moving an hour or two's drive away??? Well! Tchah! She can be grateful you're not leaving the country!

Look. Acknowledge your mother's disappointments and anxieties: her feelings are real, sometimes they will be painful, they are STILL not your fault and it is still not within your power to heal them. Find out what you can about services and support she can access where she is. But do build some healthy mental boundaries, too: you're moving for extremely good reasons and you are NOT abandoning your mother.
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Jeaniet
So your mom has to choose her comfort or her daughters company?
I know you will miss your mom but I think I would leave her where she is for the first six to eight months. This gives you time with your husband to settle into your new surroundings. Then when better weather returns you can check back with moms situation and see if she still wants to stay put.
You can help her find services in her area to meet her needs so you won't feel compelled to try to make the trip when the weather is bad.
Notify all the siblings of your plans. Tell them now is the time to visit mom as she might need their help. Perhaps she will choose to visit her out of state kids for awhile. She has many choices. She has the right to stay where she is but she doesn't have the right to make you stay. That one is off the table.
Quit trying to persuade her. Shift your attention. Contact local senior services, perhaps the Area on Aging to see what services are available. Many places deliver food these days. MediAlert services are available to call for EMS. Perhaps you know a friend who could be hired for transportation. People manage. If it proves too difficult for her, she can reconsider her choices.
You were very generous to offer her the opportunity to live with you and your husband.
Enjoy your new home. I know it will be hard not to worry about her but how you handle this will have a great bearing on the next 10 to 20 years of your life. She is not the decision maker for your family. Only hers.
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Based on how your mother seems to behave - thank God she doesn't want to move with you. She sounds like as she needs more and more she will suck the life out of you. There must be some senior service where she can get transportation - or maybe it is time for her to sell the house and move to Assisted Living. But it is for her to figure out - she is an adult. Call her - spend time with her - but focus on your move.
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I have to agree with the statement that she gets to decide how she lives which means she doesn't have to move with you. She also needs to figure things out for herself. My father was the same way. They fall into relying on you for everything...even things they can easily do for themselves. I used to work a few blocks from my father's apartment. I had a lot of accumulated time and he took advantage of that. I was his only chauffeur. Where ever he had to go it was my responsibility and I used a lot of vacation time to do it. Then I lost my job and got a new one. I had no time off. And guess what ....he had to figure out things for himself. He had to get himself to his own doctor appointment as I was no longer available. He would certainly try and get me to take off but I refused each and every time. I had to. My only job after that was to take him shopping once every other week after work.

Your mother doesn't get to dictate how you live your life and you don't get a say in hers either. Don't feel guilty for doing what is right for you. If she tries to guilt you remind her that you have been there for her for quite awhile and now it is time one of your other siblings take over if necessary. Everything can't always be on you to handle.
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