How do I get my step dad to quit soiling himself?

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I cook and clean for my 66 year old step father and my 74 year old mother. For 5 years my step dad has had explosive diarrhea but he won't be honest with his doctor. He did cut his Metformin from 1000mg to 500mg but the diarrhea is back with a vengeance. Not only does he poop in his pants but he won't change his clothes after & he leaves feces on the toilet we share (despite him having his own bedroom and bathroom he refuses to sleep in). I've had loving conversations about his lack of bowel and bladder control. He'll behave for a day then it's back to poop on the toilet, in his pants and literally splattered on walls. He weighs over 500 lbs and refuses to change his diet. My mom has talked to him as well, which always ends in a brutal screaming match and her in tears. We're mortified to be in public with him and now no one invites them to do anything social because of his smell, no one has furniture that can hold him and he only showers when we force him. Mentally there's not a dang thing wrong with him other than he grew up in a hollow and he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I've literally sat in his feces in the middle of the night not knowing he left the toilet dirty. My mother didn't raise me like this and the fact she refuses to leave him, not because she's in love with him but rather she says she couldn't live with herself if he died alone in crap filled pants infuriates me. This happens everytime he puts food in his mouth which is 24/7. I cook dinner and I try to cook healthy and buy healthy lunch and breakfast foods but he complains and just indulges in whatever fat/sugar filled treat he's drug into the house. How can an adult human being have such little regard for himself and those that take care of him? I'm beyond angry! Try cooking a wonderful dinner only to be scraping feces off walls and the toilet seat 15 minutes later. He refuses to be honest with his doctor too! The other day I caught him using my hair dryer to dry the front of his Jean's WHILE HE WAS WEARING THEM! He was too lazy to change them before leaving the house. Do you have any idea how difficult it is as an adult child to have to repeatedly ask your step father of 27 years to stop CRAPPING on the walls, toilet, rugs and floor? Do I move out and force them to hire help? I'm in a constant state of depression and find myself cussing under my breath everytime he tries to talk to me. I'm not sure I can have even 1 more conversation with him about his bowel and urinary incontinence without losing my temper! I'm at my wits end and tired of crying myself to sleep knowing I'm going to wake up to a feces redecorated bathroom. Like I said he has the only bedroom in the house with a private bathroom but he refuses to sleep in it and he sleeps in his recliner right outside my bedroom. He won't let me have his bedroom either (even though my mother paid in full by herself for the house 13 yrs ago because she was going to leave him) he has a home too and rents it out for next to nothing. I've begged my mom to tell him he has to go! She's miserable too but she doesn't want to be viewed as heartless for forcing him to leave but I'm way passed that. I only moved in to help her because she's getting very frail and feel I'm totalling being taken for granted. I must sound horrible but it's been 5 YEARS of cooking and cleaning up after someone I'm not even married to. My sister is too busy with her church to come help... ironic as that is. I've been as kind as I can but I just don't know what to do anymore. I am desperate to find a solution that doesn't require me to abandon my mother. They've become a full time job (without costing them anything). I'm praying someone out there understands my plight and can help me! Everyday is like living in a nightmare... it never ends!

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Move out and force them to hire help. Stop enabling this dysfunctional situation.

I do not for a moment believe that mentally there's not a dang thing wrong with him. A mentally healthy adult does not behave this way. But whatever the reasons behind this behavior, you have no responsibility to deal with it daily.

Move out and force them to hire help.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to jeannegibbs
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Kim, as lousy as this sounds please think about it. You're there to help your Mom, but your Mom is not helping you. Her commiserating with you is not enough.

She is expecting you to put up with, the filth, the smell and all the unsanitary health hazards in her house!
And your expected to clean it too?!

This is so unfair of her. You're there for her, not him.

You've said everything that's wrong with him and what he won't do, for himself or you guys. Well that's him, take it or leave it. You'll never change him. Obviously your Mom chooses to take it. Sad thing is she expects you to too.

Why won't Mom tell him to give up his room to you? Seriously Kim? Doesn't she think you're worth sitting on a clean toilet?! You're already cleaning his. Which I'm sure you didn't sign up for.

Lastly, your Mom expects you to live this way all because she doesn't want to be viewed as heartless?! By whom? The people that don't clean crap off her walls, floors, toilet and rugs....?

"It's perfectly ok for my daughter to live in this filth as long as no one views me as heartless........". Yeah, okay...

Talk to her about getting him out. If she won't, you move out. You deserve so much better!
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Reply to Pepsee
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Hi, Kim. You have my sympathies. My husband is bedridden and incontinent so I deal with poop too. No, you don’t sound horrible. You sound like a burned out caregiver who’s had enough. How do you support yourself? Do you have any money to live on your own?

Your father sounds like he has some serious mental issues. And, you and your mother are making it easier for him to be like this. It’s called “enabling”. You are living in an extremely unhealthy situation, both physically and emotionally. I know you don’t want to abandon your mom, but you also can’t physically force her to leave your stepfather if she just won’t. You can talk yourself blue in the face trying to convince her to get out, but if she won’t leave she can give you a million reasons why she will stay. It’s sounds like she’s being at least verbally abused by your stepfather and unfortunately women like that have been told it’s all their fault why the man treats them like this. After a while, they believe it actually is their fault.

You need to make the choice to save yourself and your life. This is a horrific and unsanitary situation. Countless diseases are spread by feces and no one is immune. Some of those diseases can be fatal. If you tolerate all this and don’t get out, he has you convinced it’s your fault as well that he’s like this and your responsibility to take care if him, as you have been doing for all these years. And it’s not. If you defy him, he screams and yells until he gets his way.

It’s truly up to you to take charge of your life. Call your local Jobs and Family Services Agency and/or Adult Protective Services and fill out a report. You don’t have to give your name. If he goes off the wall on you again, call 911 and tell them you fear for your safety.
If you are willing to put up with this life as it is, do nothing. It will only get worse for both you and your mom. It’s up to you.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Wow. You need to have a heart to heart with your Mom and understand if she truly doesn’t love him anymore what does she want to do to move forward. Does she love you? If so, then you 2 need to be a united front against him, for the sake of both your healths, safety and repairing your Mother/daughter relationship.
That she allows him to treat you this way, in my opinion, is pretty heartless. You need to make her understand that she is putting you at risk. It’s harder since the house is hers, but if you both agree, I might see a lawyer to see how to get him removed. If she chooses to remain with him so that outsiders dont think she’s “heartless”, then unfortunately you have your answer, and move out.
When was the last time he’s seen a doctor? If you can get him to one, I would tell the doctor exactly what you’re told us about his self destructive behavior, and at 500 pounds it doesn’t seem that it could go on much longer before a major event puts him in the hospital. And that maybe the point that he doesn’t return home, ending up in a facility. If not before.
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Reply to rocketjcat
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Oh, Kim! My heart goes out to you. You ARE living in a nightmare! Please get out of this living situation ASAP. Do not feel guilty about leaving your mom there. Do not make HER problems YOURS. Call 211 (Canada and US) for access to local essential community services for help for your mom and stepdad.
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Reply to L84dinner
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How horrible, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this!! My dad has a similar
reaction to certain foods--and he is now diet restricted at facility. I might add that
he enjoys going out though (thankfully!) and he became motivated to eat somewhat
better to avoid accidents.

Your step dad appears to have zero motivation and has no additional pressure or supervision to force change. As a result he's essentially forcing you all to live in
severely unsanitary conditions. And I might add that as both his and your mother's
care givers you could technically be held responsible. Perhaps you could use that as
a loophole. As you don't want to break the law by leaving them in unsanitary conditions,
somethings needs to change immediately or they need to live in supervised conditions
within facility. Perhaps your mother might be willing to go through divorce if you are
firm in your conviction. Otherwise contact APS and say you're parents are in danger.
Because well they are.

Please, do not live like that for one more day than is absolutely necessary. That is an
absolute nightmare. Best of luck
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Reply to bettina
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I am 27 and also putting up with an incontinent father (though not the poomagedon you have described...Im so sorry you're dealing with this!).

Please listen to the great advice above; being blood does not bind you to care for this man! 
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Reply to OneLastStraw
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