How do I forgive myself for what I just said to my mom?

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Well, my fuse blew. I can't find my Income Tax Returns I need for income proof for SSDI. I knew where the folders were before I was pushed to clean stuff out of my room and this house. She said she never told me to get stuff out of the house, but what do you call it when she kept saying put this in storage you're not using it. I went to my storage and looked through everything. I was so hot and angry that I called her up and said, "I literally hate your guts." Then I hung up. I told dad I called my aunt up to see if I could come up next weekend as I need to get away as I couldn't take mom anymore. I told him she cares more about this d---n house then people. He started to get emotional because he doesn't know what to do and he loves both of us. I told him there is nothing he can do. When mom came home from going to the store she and I had it out. I told her she was superficial and cared more for her stupid house than people. I told her I only asked for the bedroom to be mine and to leave it alone, but she couldn't. I accused her of possibly shredding the forms because she couldn't stand that there were folders in a box. I know she wouldn't do that but she was putting me down so I kicked back. I shouldn't have accused her of that and I knew better. She told dad that I've always used her as a punching bag. Then she yelled out over the monitor, "That if I would lose the d---n weight, I could probably get a job and get out and meet people. Yes, I am very overweight. Unfortunately, I fell into the same situation as so many other people. Food gives me solace for a little while but end the end it has torn me my body apart. I saw a psychologist about 20 years ago because of how she handled a situation when I was young. I was still messed up from it and it was affecting my life. My grandfather sexually abused me from the age of 5 through 9. I was fortunate, however, that he lived in NC and I didn't have to see him but twice a year, but it has bothered me all my life the way she handled it. When I got the courage to tell my parents what he was doing, she said I still needed to be nice to him as he was my grandfather but not to go around him unless someone else was in the room. I felt like she didn't care about me and that messed me up. When I tried to talk to her about it she said I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. I love her and would die for her, but I can't live with her. I know I'll apologize for what I said because I don't want to hurt her. Yet, I'll still carry around this anger toward her. Everything is my fault and none of it is hers. She yelled at me to shut up and I told her to stick it up her craw. I don't like being this way. I'm tired, fed up and feel trapped. God help me get through this situation.

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Your mother is gaslighting you.

Don't feel bad about the fact that you pushed back at her. You said some unkind words; you didn't hurt her physically.

She allowed your grandfather to abuse you physically and did nothing about it.

Find yourself a therapist who can help you heal from your sexual abuse. And request duplicate returns from the IRS.

Move on. Move out.

Those are not the guilt feelings that you deserve.
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You definitely need some me time. Then, you need to spend a significant amount of time learning ways to cope. I have had this kind of issue my whole life and for some reason, I have managed to rise above it. I have many moments and this particular time of life is more stressful than any time in my life, but I am trying to think rational and make honest observations about those around me who are also dealing with my wife's parents who are both rapidly declining from dementia in the last 30-60 days.

Yes, it sounds like the living arrangements are very tough and if you are not working, I am not sure if it is feasible for you to financially be on your own.

Some things that might help. So, I am about 100 pounds overweight but in the last year, I have learned to be much more fit. I used to hate people who said exercise will make me feel better. And, to be honest, after I do, I typically feel horrible and that is probably due to dehydration or a lack of protein (still trying to figure it out). But, when I do not work out, I feel it. Most of my workout is walking. I go outside and walk. No headphones either, I think I prefer to get all noise out. Yeah, I am stuck with my thoughts, but try and concentrate on the outdoors. Do something EVERYDAY for you. I truly believe that in order to be there for others, you need to be the best you. Good luck.
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You seem like a good person. People without conscience do not feel guilty or bad. You have every right to be angry that she was not there for you regarding the sexual abuse. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Of course you are tired, fed up and feel trapped. I know the feeling. It is very stressful. Forgive yourself, then her and try to move on. (even if you feel she doesn't deserve forgiveness ... it is good for you, if you can. It does not make it right. It never will, but it will afford you some peace.
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dheart1, one can only take so much. Look at how long you went without saying those things! One reason I distance myself from my mother is so that I don't say things to her. Pretty much any challenge to her words results in her getting worked up quickly to the point where she's crying and shaking.

But I know you can't do that right now, because you live with this woman. Continue to make the plans to get out of there! You deserve (MUCH!) better!
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Agree with all of the above.

Get a therapist! When I did, and got so much better so fast, I wondered what I had been waiting for!!!!!!!
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Forgive yourself immediately... do not think about it for one second more. Get out of caring for your mother any way you can. Your own survival likely depends on it. Please also try and remember there is only so much you can control. Let the rest go and be as kind to yourself as possible. YOU DESERVE IT!!!!
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Don't feel guilty. I am in the same boat and I've learned that a parent will try to exert control wherever they can. They're feeling out of control with their life and therefore they will try to control you. Just put the spat behind you and make sure you take care of your own needs. We have a way of putting our selves last and that won't last very long. You will end up resenting your Mother if you don't take time for yourself. I struggle with hating my Mother every day. It's hard to care for someone who wasn't a good parent to you. I just take it day-to-day.
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... you're spent. You're compassion has been proven, but now also worn out. It's time to make choices and plans to stop doing it.
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There is a nice technique called 'forgives and releases'.
I have been sharing it with people for about 23 years now and
have seen so many positive things happen because of it for so many
people. I learned it from someone that I believe learned it in Unity
Ministry.
Here is a kind of 'cliff notes' version of it.
Get a tablet and a pen.
Take some quiet time, and then when you are ready
write on the first piece of paper
"I forgive and release ANYBODYS NAME for"
and write a sentence, a paragraph a page, whatever you need.
THEN write
"I forgive and release myself for" whatever it is related to
the person and the issue(s)
Again, a sentence, a paragraph, a page,
THEN
TEAR IT UP AND THROW IT AWAY
and take some nice deep breaths
You can do this for issues old and new, large and small with anyone
(including the idiot that cut you off in traffic)
Always tear it up and throw it away - that is part of the releasing
Writing it down helps you process it.
Sometimes it comes down to something like this:
"I forgive and release PARENT for a, b, c, d, e f, g (list of things, write them out), because I now realize they were doing the best they could with what they knew, they are a flawed human being, like all of us, just PARENT happened to be more flawed than most"
THEN
"I forgive and release myself for all the hurt and pain I let myself experience over the years because I didn't realize they were not what I needed them to be, and they never could be"
I set myself free from these emotions, so I have room to bring happiness into my life.

Doing this WON'T CHANGE THE PERSON, WON'T CHANGE THE SITUATION, but
It WILL CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SITUATION, and will diminish it's impact on you and your life.
In the early stages of healing process, you may have to do this technique a few times a week, but eventually it will be few and far between, and each one will be briefer and briefer.
IE "I F&R Mom for yelling at me today"
"I F&R Myself for letting it bother me, I have to remember I can't change her,
and it doesn't matter"

Yes, it really does get that simplified over time and works really quickly and frees you, your time, your energy and your attention, so you can keep building the positive things in your life that help you and support you.

With this healing you are less likely to say things that are mean or hurtful, or that you later regret saying. When they are mean or hurtful, you are less likely to react to them, and more likely to walk away or even change the situation to a positive one.

This technique helps get to the root causes which is where much of our relationship behavior patterns begin.
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Oh my---GET AWAY from her!! And don't apologize for what you "feel". You have every right to feel!! You could apologize for your tone, or choice of words, but not for how you feel.

I was molested by my older brother. For many, many years. I never told and just self hated for about 50 years. Finally I am getting the help I need, but realistically, an entire life lost.
GET HELP!! I have lived 50+ years with self hate, depression and a very messed up way of looking at life. I find myself being unbearable angry with my mother, who, in fairness, didn't KNOW of the abuse until about 15 years ago. However, since it was the "Golden Child" who had done this, she didn't believe me and never will. That's on her. Healing, well, that's on me. Even my husband refuses to talk about it. I just came to terms with the extent of it, actually, after a huge fight with my mother---hubby feels awful, but cannot and will not discuss it with me. I have ONE person as a support network, and that is my therapist.
You need to get away from your mother. Living alone in a studio apartment would be preferable to living in what sounds like an abusive, sick relationship with mother.

My heart just aches for you. There are a lot of us out there, quietly letting people continue to abuse us. Please, please get help.

Sadly, you will likely have to walk through the pain and memories to find healing. It hurts, but you can get better. (So I hope--for myself. I'm just starting the "walk through it" part. It sucks.)
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