It’s been a very tough 9 months. We have a bit of a routine with grandma and our family. But I am starting to feel stressed and stifled with someone else in my home. I’ve worked so hard and was really looking forward to this next phase in my life without kiddos and having some fun with my husband. If I have a year goal to get her into another living situation how do I ease into it without hurting her feelings? How do I navigate finding a place? I feel guilty, but also annoyed her 3 children are so hands-off.

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Think of it this way.....why are her 'feelings being hurt' more important than you getting to live your life?

I suggest a family meeting with all three of her children and grandma. Tell them all you cannot keep up with this situation and new living arrangements need to be made. Let them know what you are willing to do but that living in your home is off the table and new living accommodations must be made within the next three months. She can move in with one of them or to AL. Do not back down with offers of additional help....we all know that will only last for a little bit if at all. Make it clear that this is more than you can handle physically and mentally and that you can no longer handle someone else living under your roof. You are no longer the long term solution.

As someone once said....if you are the solution there will be no other solutions.
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She has 3 children. You are a grandchild and should not have this responsibility. If you are feeling this way, then its time and a year is too long. It will just make it harder to get her out of your home. And the resentment will get worse. As said if you are POA you have some control. If someone else, they need to step up to the plate.
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It was very loving of you to take her in and care for her. Your life and your husband are your priorities. You are not responsible for your grandmother's happiness. She's and adult and had her whole life to plan for her retirement years and she (or someone) ASSUMED you as her retirement plan. This is immoral and unethical. You should not feel guilty because wanting your privacy and life back is not wrong. Also, her other children have decided they don't want to orbit around her so they're not doing anything wrong, either, no matter how frustrating this is.

I think 1 year is too long to wait to transition her. There's no reason to wait that long as she most likely will never relish the thought of moving out. I would let her know (not ask her) that she will need to move out and that you've found some wonderful local care communities to tour where she will have activities, transportation, social events, and independence, etc. She may be of the generation that remembers the horrible nursing homes of old. If she refuses to go, you can tour them yourself and bring back your own pictures to show her.

One question is: does your grandmother have the mental capacity to still make her own decisions? If so, you may have issues getting her out of your home since it is her residence. No one wants to evict their grandmother but it happens all the time. You have a right to your home and you were gracious enough to help her for 9 months. Explain to her that it was never meant to be a permanent solution and if she thought it was, you would have never agreed to it.

If your grandmother has a medical diagnosis of cognitive decline or memory impairment, then her PoA needs to step in to move her out. Her finances will need to be reviewed to know if she will need Medicaid at some point to pay for her ongoing care. Medicaid qualification is a very important status to protect as she will most likely need it, like so many people do. Hopefully someone is her PoA...

In the end she will probably adjust and many on this forum can attest that their once resistant and angry LOs did wonderfully in a good care facility. I hope it goes this way for your grandmother. Have peace in your heart that you're not doing anything wrong.
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notgoodenough May 2021
I totally agree with all of this advice. I would just add to include your grandma's 3 kids in the conversation when you have it, so no one can claim "I didn't know how you felt! I didn't know any of this was going on!" etc. If possible, talk to them all together, so no one can claim they were "left out" of the loop, so to speak.
Good luck!
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This just isn't a "fix it" situation in which everyone can end up "happily ever after". That isn't real life. Be honest and gentle. Guilt isn't involved in this. You are not a felon who murders and causes mayhem and chaos. You are someone who is in the midst of the other G word, which is grief, at what must be faced, at what cannot be helped. As to her other children, theirs would be my own choice. It is a thankless job to do what you are doing; all will blame YOU for anything that goes wrong. Without support I would not have taken this on.
Begin by looking at Board and Care for certain, often less expensive and more home like. If you are POA you can do this. But be honest. This is impossible to do without honesty. The mistake is often taking someone into your home. It is very difficult to lever them back out again, after that, and this difficulty will have to be faced honestly.
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You have no reason to feel guilty. This is not your responsibility. You feel badly about the situation and I can certainly understand that.

Her children can handle it. They aren’t going to do anything as long as you continue to handle it. Write a letter to all of them giving your notice of no longer being her caregiver. State in the letter that they need to start making arrangements for grandma’s future care. You can make suggestions as, contact Council on Aging for an assessment or a social worker to help plan for permanent placement.

Best wishes to you and your grandma.
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Your profile says that you are caring for both your mother AND your grandmother. Is this still the case, or has mother moved on? It also has a message about going to Al-Anon. Where does this fit in now? And what limitations does grandmother have? If she has dementia and has memory issues, you can move on by ‘reminding’ her that this was never supposed to be a permanent arrangement, and now is the time to work on the next step. In fact you can say that anyway, even if she doesn’t have memory issues and you never really considered the long term.

You ‘ease into it’ by saying it’s time to look for a new option, asking her what she has in mind, start taking her to see suitable places, and being more up-front about the impact this is having on you and the rest of your life. Start talking about the ‘trip of a lifetime’ that you and DH have been planning, and how you need to have her safe and happy to make that happen.

There is no easy way to do all this, and nothing comes without hurt feelings and difficult conversations. But it’s that or write off all the things you hoped for retirement!
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Homecare123 May 2021
My mother passed away a couple months ago. She was the alcoholic. Thank you for your reply.
I have similar situation, Guilt!! Goes without saying. No help and I have to work. I think we not alone and we should not feel guilty to have loved one go somewhere they can be happy. A day center for a parent. Get more help in the home. So you can have a life. And not be drained. Help is out there we just have to find it.
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