My grandmother is 84, and she is in the early/mid stages of dementia- she sometimes forgets recent conversations, but is still fairly "with it". Her whole life, she has been manipulative. She is the queen of guilt trips and frequently throws tantrums that would make a toddler blush. Even as a child, I remember her screaming at me whether it be something I did or something else that happened; then ten minutes later she would act like a little kid who misbehaved, calling me or coming up to me to try to assess the damage or repair it with money. Growing up my brothers and I would visit (they didn't live close, so we didn't see her often) and try to spend time with her, but she prioritized work over all of us. She didn't really take the time to get to know us or do anything with us; she just tried to buy our love even though we told her repeatedly that we didn't want gifts or money- we wanted her time. I have only one memory of doing something fun with my grandmother. My younger brother doesn't have any.
Now, she lives less than a mile away in an independent living facility. My brothers and I are always there to help when she needs something, be it groceries, a ride, help with her computer, etc., but it's never enough. Yesterday, she said that we (my brothers and I) must just not want to spend time with her because the other residents' grandchildren come to visit all the time. I know her, and I know that this statement is nearly 75% because she wants to have the appearance of having us come visit and only 25% because she actually wants to see us.
I know she's not logical or rational, but these things are really hurtful. We have made efforts to help her and try to spend time with her, but we felt rejected because her first priority has always been to keep up her appearance as a successful career woman rather than to be a mother or grandmother. How do I handle this? How can I either get past this, or make her understand what we see and how we feel? I'm at the end of my rope with this.
Truth is, she's lying thru what's left of her teeth. I do more for her than the vast majority of all the other 'wonderful children' at the ALF do for their mother's, and even if I don't, who cares? I feel like I've broken my back for her over the past 10 years she's been living close by and as an only child, I'm pretty exhausted from running myself ragged and having all of it being 'almost good enough', but not quite.
You probably cannot get the woman to understand how you feel because in her mind, she's been a stellar grandmother & has gone above & beyond for you. You, on the other hand, have done less than you 'should have' and have left her with lots less than she 'deserves', in her queenly mind. It's how these women think. And there ain't no changing how a person thinks. It never dawns on them that if they were a bit NICER to be around, we wouldn't think of it as a horrible CHORE to be around them. I wouldn't tell her 'why' you don't come around more often.......what for? It'll just turn you into even MORE of The Bad Guy b/c she won't agree with your assessment of reality. She'll gaslight you something fierce and put on the Poor Old Pitiful Me Act, ad nauseum.
Just keep doing what you're doing and don't expect anything to get better, or for her to appreciate you or thank you for your efforts. Be content with YOURSELF for what you do, and that's more than enough.
It'll be tough, and maybe even a little tearful, but I think you'll find some relief and solace by doing this. You might give her a hug and even say “I love you, and I'll see you later”.
Good luck.
Many elderly folks love the 'idea' of visitors, as it gives them 'cred' to their fellow residents, but they don't, in fact, really CARE about us.
The crestfallen look on my mother's face when I show up for a visit is like a sucker punch to the gut. And at age 91, she's not changing.
However, to her friends, she plays up anything I do for her as being some kind of grand gesture---she needs to be 'better' than everyone else.
You're not changing Grandma one iota. Just roll with it. If you visit and she pitches one of her fits, walk out. And don't go back until YOU feel like it.
My DH can procrastinate a visit to his mom's by literal MONTHS. He'll keep saying "I am the worst son" "I HAVE to get to see mom this week" on and on. I just agree with him and ignore his 'plans' to visit her. If she showed him one iota of love or concern, it would be totally different.
The fine art of not giving a D$mn is really a soul saving experience.