My grandmother has dementia, and carers come three time a day for about 30 mins to help with basic needs, whilst family divide up the other responsibilities. My grandmother has always been someone with a sharp tongue, and able to keep a grudge. It's like she needs to have an enemy to criticise and complain about to other people and make snide observations about and unfounded accusations against. At present her target is one of her carers, a perfectly capable and kind middle aged woman with some mild learning difficulties. She complains about her manner, her clothes, her habits, tells everyone that she thinks she's sneaky and a thief, and subtly insults her to her face in a way that this carer doesn't seem to fully grasp but which I (and other people) do, and then she gives us this happy look, like 'can you believe this idiot,' as though we're in on some joke with her. When this carer tried to encourage her to shower/eat/dress etc she is snide and rude, when this carer leaves the room she rolls her eyes and whispers completely unfounded insults, when this carer looks away she makes a 'can you believe this idiot?' face. I think that due to the carers minor learning disability a lot of this behaviour isn't picked up on by her (which on a practical level is good, but on an emotional/ethical level somehow makes it worse), and the fact that my grandmother has dementia helps explain away her unpleasantness. This behaviour from my grandmother is limited to this one carer, and doesn't seem to spring from frustration/fear/anger etc - rather it is her life long need to have an enemy to b***h about that has been intensified and stripped bare, but this time to a woman with learning difficulties. I think the fact that this lady has learning difficulties may be part of the reason my grandmother focused on her for her unpleasant behaviour. What makes it worse is that my grandmother seems to really enjoy saying all of these horrible things - her face lights up like a sociopathic child pulling the wings off of flies. I accept that we probably can't make my grandmother stop, and I want to protect the carer from my grandmother's hatefulness, but the only way I can think of doing that is to let the agency know that this is happening so that they stop sending her - but I'm not comfortable doing that because I don't want to affect her employment prospects. As the carer doesn't seem to entirely understand that my grandmother is mocking her and thinks she is just another difficult dementia patient it may be a case of no harm no foul. But having seen this side of my grandmothers behaviour, I can't help but be sickened by her. She's sweet as pie to me, but the fact that she revels in subtly bullying a vulnerable person make me not want to speak to or be around her, even though I have responsibilities towards her myself. I just can't look at her anymore, especially since I have this feeling that the dementia didn't so much change her personality as reveal the true depths of the personality traits she's always had. I don't want to feel this way, but her behaviour and the obvious joy she gets out of it make me want to not see her again, and also to protect others from her malevolence. Other relatives feel the same way, but of course none of us act on it. How do you cope when dementia turns your relative into someone it's really difficult to see as anything other than a deeply, horrible person? How are you able to be around them?