How do I be nice every darned day?
Hi fellow elder care people,
I sure could use some advice, please?
My elderly aunt, 70, has been mentally handicapped since birth, but functioned enough to live alone all her life. She's hard of hearing since her 40s and won't wear an amplifier or a hearing aid. On 2/13 she fell out of the shower, didn't call for help for 16 hours, and when I got there, bone was poking through her ankle AND her wrist was purple AND she had healing bruises on her cheeks, hips and bridge of her nose. There was almost no food in her house, and apparently she's been forgetting her own items at the laundromat she insists on going to, because all the clothing I've bought her is gone, so are all the nice linens, most of her towels, etc. Now I'm in charge of finding an assisted living space once she's out of skilled nursing. She no longer communicates.
My biological father, 80, and his wife, 80, are declining rapidly. Last week my stepmother fell (as she does daily) but this time she fractured one vertebrae and cracked three ribs. *EXTREME* osteoporosis. My father can barely walk, and she is bent over and shuffles in a walker. They bicker all day, every day.
My biological mother, 78, is slipping mentally so rapidly. Her husband is scrambling to cover up her issues and take on everything. He's had 2 strokes already and I'm worried about his stress level.
Today, my biological father cried tears in my car when I was driving him to his 7th dentist's appointment in 30 days. He said that if it comes to putting his wife in assisted living, he'll kill her and himself. (He won't, he's a big blowhard). But he is in deep despair all the time and SO negative.
Meanwhile, I'm running a business amid a pandemic; I have a very demanding career; I am working 60+ hour weeks to make up for the losses of time and money from Covid+ elder care. There will be no inheritance from any of them, so my retirement is moving further away as I care for them all and lose money in the process. I am trying to keep as much of my drama with them as I can from my relationship because my bf definitely "doesn't want to hear it".
I'm exhausted! When any of them call me, it's always 11 minutes before the biggest conference call of the day. My stepmom especially will call 24/7 and ask me, "Honey, where did I put my spare thing?" "What thing?" "You know, the thing I used to use for the eggs." No idea. Or she will panic and leave me five voicemails because she thinks they are "out of sauerkraut". There are now 7 jars in the pantry. I counted this morning.
My biological mother cries because she "loves me so much" whenever she sees me, and asks me questions that are completely loony. She forgets everything these days and only wants to play this repetitive, stupid card game 6-8 hours a day with my dad and me. Ugh!
I feel like I'm falling apart. I've become snappish. I care about them all, but I don't want to care for any of them anymore. I meditate every day. I try to take time for myself, for reading, for relaxing for at least an hour every day. PLEASE help me be less short-tempered, more loving to them! I'm open to every suggestion.
PS = My biological dad told me that he blames himself because my grandfather was so vile to him that he had to go outside for a smoke when grandpa was in the hospital and sure enough, he died during the 10 minutes my dad was outside! I don't want to be mean, but I'm starting to dread all my relatives!!
Try to look at it like this: You are providing enormous care to each individual as well as working more than full-time and trying to keep your own relationship alive. That's enough for five people let alone one. Your own health/sanity will eventually go and then what? All of these people wouldn't have a prayer of getting care. Your aunt could lie on the floor for days and starve. Your other relatives could have equal disasters. At least getting them all into care gives you a prayer of continuing to see them regularly and do nice little extras for them, as well as advocate for them which would be your most important role.
I hope that you can make this work one elder (or two for couples) at a time. You can't keep this up. No one could. This is an incredibly supportive forum, so keep coming back here for more support.
Sending a huge amount of empathy and a lot of caregiver hugs.
Your biological father's father did not WANT him to be in the room when he passed away, which is why he chose that specific 10 minute period to do so while your dad was outside smoking. It was not a 'coincidence' it happened that way. Trying to convince your father of such a thing may be another story entirely, however.
Your biological father will not 'kill himself and his wife' if he has to place his wife in AL, in fact, he can go WITH her into AL and they can live together there in a nice apartment and forget about all the stress they're currently dealing with in a house. You can get him some brochures to look over and make up his mind about, otherwise, you don't have time to listen to negativity all the time and/or to drive him to endless dentist appointments, either. You have a job that's physically killing you and you're already spread too thin as it is, so please dad, give me a break already. Assisted Living is NOT the hellhole these elders seem to think it is, and we 'children' don't have to listen to the nonsensical threats and guilt they heap on us if faced with such a fate. There is no other choice, dad, I can't do this anymore. Period.
Your biological mother is suffering from dementia if she wants to play a card game for 6-8 hrs a day and asks you gibberish-like questions. She'll need an ALF with a Memory Care wing which she can segue into eventually, when the time comes.
When any of them call you, you have exactly 5 minutes to spend on the phone b/c you have an Urgent Meeting to attend in exactly 5 minutes from whatever time it is they called, and that's that. Let the rest of the calls, if not ALL of them, go directly to voice mail. Pick & choose the ones you want to return, and apply the 5 minute rule to each.
You have to set down boundaries with all of these people or YOU will wind up in the hospital from stress related disease. You can wind up dying before any one of them, in reality, b/c dementia can last an awfully long time before it kills an elder.
As far as your b/f goes, why exactly does he not want to hear about YOUR problems? What kind of 'relationship' is it that he only wants to deal with happy times and not help his loved one through bad times and stressful times? As if you wouldn't be there for HIM should one of his family members need him? It may be time to have a Come to Jesus Meeting with this b/f who needs to take YOUR needs into consideration here! You deserve that, my friend. You're worth it.
Sit down & decide how you're going to handle each one of these elders, and how much time & effort you're willing to devote to their issues. There comes a time when elders need more help than is humanly possible for ONE person *YOU* to give to them. That's when the decision is made to go into managed care, or fend for themselves. It's not that you don't care.....it's that you only have two hands and 24 hours in each day, and neither is enough.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan for YOUR sanity!
I'm sorry. I can't imagine such a thing being in any way possible.
Is there some limit in your mind. Would seven be OK? Would 9?
It is time for placement for these seniors who cannot manage on their own unless you want to manage your own private nursing home and move them all in. At least then the State would pay you for their care.
I really don't have an answer at all for you. You will have to set some limits or you will eventually buckle under all this, become very ill and totally non-functioning to by then you will likely also be alone. Then what for these FIVE people?
Sorry, but there is no answer but to downsize all of this. It isn't doable.
WHY are you paying for their care? They ALL must have some amount of income, SS, pensions, something. THAT should be paying for them.
Medicaid for them if they don't have Medicare. Look into NH's where you maybe can get a group rate! (Kind of kidding, but not really).....
No one person can maintain this level of care w/o going bonkers. You're starting to see this. Even with all of these folks in some kind of care, you will still be hopping like a bunny trying to get all their care coordinated and organized.
An entire NH staff couldn't effectively do what you're doing.
If you don't downsize, and do it soon--YOU will be the one needing help and who will step up to help you?
Auntie recognizes me, but is unwilling/unable to communicate anymore, and doesn't seem to give a d***. Her brain seems COMPLETELY gone, so she'll soon be in Assisted Living and I will visit...when/if I can.
Biological dad and his wife are in DIRE need of additional care. The county is already giving them a home aide 6 hours/week but they make her do stupid things and don't get her to do what they need. For example, she rearranges furniture weekly, even though that means she doesn't get to cook or do laundry. In June, it will be one year since I took over their miserable lives and moved them to my state. They've declined enormously since then. I am preparing to take actions to put them in a government-funded assisted living, since they are indigent. It's tragic, but all that they can do. They squandered all their money with terrible, reckless financial decisions all their lives, right up until I stepped in.
I am so overwhelmed, sad and stressed out. My instinct is to run away to my real home (in California) and leave them all here in Illinois to rot. That's terrible, but I think about running away from them all, including the boyfriend, every day!
You say in your reply that you are ashamed, because your Loved Ones are nice people. I’m sure they ARE.
It’s the sheer VOLUME of caregiving that is too much. Not whether your family is nice or not.
Also, you say that you don’t want to ABANDON them. We are not saying that you should. You can slowly change the WAY you caretake.
Keep reading on this site. We all learn so much from each other. :-)
Five is ABSOLUTELY out of the question. Sometimes, with family, we don’t see how crazy making our situation is, until we see things from the outside in.
We hear you, and support you in finding a solution that will be good for YOU, as well as your family members.
I feel like I'm trying to save 5 drowning people and I'm not a good swimmer myself. : (
I’m not really surprised that up to now, “BF definitely doesn't want to hear it". This sounds unsupportive, but it is also understandable if you have been venting but not really planning to change. If you make a clear decision that this has all got to stop, you might find that BF is willing to help you work out how to do it. That might help him, you and the people who are killing you by inches now. Worth a try?
Seriously? And then my dad called (all of these during the work day) to tell me, "You know that German rye bread you bought me a few months ago? I want more of that. That's the best one." (He must have finally defrosted it - it would have been literally a few hours fresh when I took it to him.)
"What's the brand name, Dad?"
He calls out to my stepmom, "What's the brand name on that rye bread I like, Rita?"
She shouts back that she doesn't know.
So he says irritably, "Well, where did you put the wrapper?"
"In the trash, probably." Remember, this woman has a fractured vertebrae and 2 cracked ribs.
"Well, can't you just get it out? Wendy needs to know what brand it was."
Me shaking my head. If you're going to take bakery-fresh bread and throw it in the FREEZER with only the wrapper in came in, and then eat it two months later, and then tell me you want more of it, then it's on you, Buddy. Tough luck.
I’m exhausted just reading this.
It’s time to place several them somewhere otherwise WHO will take care of you?
Sorry that you are still struggling with your ongoing issues with your family.
You certainly have your hands full.
You most likely have an idea what the answers will be to your question. While I think it is good to be completely honest, I don’t wish to be cruel to you and I certainly don’t want to kick you when you’re down.
Plus, I remember when I was feeling overwhelmed. It’s hard to process everything all at once.
Many of us will remember your situation. I do.
I think it would be best for you to ask yourself this question. What do you really want? Do you want it enough to make some waves?
You generously bought your biological dad and your stepmom a condo, am I correct?
I am sorry that your dad had a rough time in the past. You did too. He abandoned you and your mom.
Your dad wasn’t meant to be with his dad when he died. It happens all the time. As soon as a person steps out of the room, the person dies.
You definitely have a huge heart and more patience than a lot of people would.
I’m not so sure if that should be considered a positive or a negative in this case.
Your mom and your stepdad are struggling too. You can’t fix all of their issues.
Certainly, you must realize that ALL of your parents are long overdue for professional care from a staff at a facility.
You’re working your tail off. You are exhausted!
Your boyfriend is seeing a clearer picture of things from an objective viewpoint.
Of course, he doesn’t want either of you in the middle of this situation.
You’re way too close to it to see what’s truly happening.
You are asking about ‘not snapping’ at others.
Personally, I think you should get VERY upset about your situation and look into facility care for ALL of them.
You can visit them. You can be their advocate.
You can spend more time with the man in your life.
When I was too close to my caregiver situation to be objective, I wore myself out too.
I ended up in therapy and on this forum. Have you considered therapy?
I had to step away from it all in order to see the mayhem that it truly was.
Please consider stepping away. Start looking at facilities now!
Do not put this off any longer for their safety and your peace of mind.
Is the condo in your name? Sell it or rent it. Put the money towards their care.