Why do I have absolutely no compassion, empathy and sympathy for my elderly mom of 80 years, old I ask? I guess because I feel she chose her destiny. From the age of 10 , I recall begging my mom to stop smoking. I am a retired 57 y/o registered nurse with 32 years experience in home health nursing. She has smoked for 60 years and is that fragile little women dragging around her oxygen tube to the patio to smoke. Makes me sick. She made this choice. She has never drank water or eaten healthy a day in her life. While I juice daily, eat mostly organic and vegetarian. I was dx. with breast cancer 9/16. It was a rough road but I got through it because of my general healthy body. It was Estrogren induced which was out of my control. I feel good. I want to live each day to its fullest. It eats away at me daily that my mom could care less about her health. She is of sound mind. She is able to smoke and drink wine coolers all day and night, but is too tired to change her diapers. WTF.....I go crazy when I walk in her home and she smells and is lying on couch with a saturated diaper that has seeped thru her clothing, bedding, leather couch. I go into a frenzy and demand she gets in shower and I shower her. She LIES continually. Yes, I took my meds. Yes, I showered. Yes, I changed my diapers. I live across the street in my own home. I am overwhelmed with caring for the houses, six cats and mom. Actually, I can do it and am very very energetic and active. It's her REFUSAL to allow help. We had home health in the past. Hospice in the past. Both more work and stress on me. I then had to supervise them and mom. Mom supports me and throws that in my dad daily. All I ask of her is to keep herself dry, clean, fed, and take her meds. She preoccupies herself with BULLSHIT......like needing a car she hasn't been able to drive in 2 years since she has been on oxygen. I finally sold it and got lots of grieve. We argue daily. I just had surgery and she called me the next day to ask where I hid her cigarettes. Really......never asked how I was. Is this forgetfulness or deliberate? I'll never know. I am an a only child. I actually don't even like her. I feel like a horrible person, for having these feelings. I dread walking into her home to hear her complaints and have to smell the odor of urine. She has the ability to walk. She has the ability to change her diapers. She refuses a live in, which she really doesn't need. I can HELP HER, but she won't let me. She is always too tired to shower, change her diapers etc. But, ambulated around patio and garage with oxygen smoking and drinking wine coolers. We all make CHOICES. She led a very unhealthy life and is paying the consequences. She refuses to go to doctors. SORRY, for me feeling sorry for myself and venting, but some days feel so HOPELESS. How can you help someone who refuses to help themselves or allow help from others? I feel guilty everyday for not being kind, loving, gentle and compassionate. I try to go there everyday with a new fresh start of being that kind daughter, but as soon as I arrive and find her oblivious to her surroundings. Literally lying in her saturated diapers, smoking, not eating the food I left her, not taking her meds. I left out. I go into B@#$* mode. Any suggestions? Any advice? Anybody else dealing with same issues?