How can I survive?

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3 years ago after the loss of my father and siblings accepted the plea from my ailing elderly mother, and moved myself and my disabled 25 yr old son back home to stay and care for mom and the farm. It wasn't my duty as I was the only one left, but rather, my privilege. Mom is 80 now with ALOT of health problems including congestive heart and only 23% heart function left. My son is a quadriplegic disabled with Cerebral Palsy and also numerous health problems. I have Always cared for them alone. my mom is starting to express signs of confusion and outbursts calling me the devil. I feel like I am sometimes going to stroke out myself. I've reached out to pathways but there few is more than I can give for support. Please help as I desperately seek any advice

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In addition to checking out a uti, mom may have some early dementia and be prone to "sundowning"; extreme agitation and irrationality that starts late in the afternoin.

As a dialed person, is your son not eligible for MEDICAID? Call your local Medicaid office and explain his disability.
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Thank you all! This is very good advice. The will, estate. POA/Durable health directive/DNR and trust etc have all been done. I wish there was other family to assist!! Mom is still EXTREMELY active to include driving.. I joke with her that she is 80, I am 45 and I can't keep up with her.. However, it is a fact. Heart issues are a very real genetic problem for my family going back generations. My grandmother died at 47.. I am already older than my mother and 2 siblings when they had their first heart attack. I had devoted my entire life to care for my disabled son who has had more major surgeries than he is old.. Things that include 3 month stay at the only hospital in my state that handled his infusion system.. 250 miles away from home. I was told that when Ortho Dr's had their seminars, it was my son they talked about.. I am one of those who fell in the cracks with all insurance programs.. I fear my fate will follow suit.
Mom will have surgery this Friday to remove Melanoma from her leg. Blood was drawn today during her pre up visit and a sample was taken to rule out infection and uti. I wish there was a way to have group support as it does help to know someone is listening. Thank you all so very much
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Your question is how can you survive. I've covered a few areas of things that might apply.

Do you have legal authority to take care of the house, farm, bills, etc? Is she still competent to sign a Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare POA, and Advanced Directive, so you can act on her behalf? If so, I would get that immediately. Contact an Estate Attorney about getting them prepared and signed ASAP.

If she's not competent or willing to sign the documents, you may run into problems handling matters on her behalf. It may require you to file with the courts. If that's the case, I would still contact the attorney about how to proceed to see if there is enough to prove your mom needs a guardian at this time.

In addition to getting the legal authority to act, it sounds like you certainly need some help. Dealing with a person who is showing those kind of symptoms is concerning. I would follow the advice above about getting her a medical exam to see what is causing it. It could be an infection, medications, or dementia, etc. If it can't be cleared up, then you need to get some help. Perhaps she qualifies for some in home services. If it is dementia, she may be treated with medication to help with her anxiety. Often that helps the person's mood and they can get relief from anxiety and agitation. However, if her care cannot be managed in the home, you may have to seek out other options like Memory Care, if that is what the problem turns out to be.

There is nothing wrong asking for help. If the family is not able to do it, then there are other resources in the community.
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twilaf, it seems that heart attacks run in the family. I'm concerned about your welfare. I do hope that you are taking good care of yourself? Your mom's health will continue to get worse. Have you taken steps to help ease the caregiving load? Or at least with the farm/house load?

One way to lessen the stress level is to do some deep breathing - several times a day. You can google on YouTube the correct way of doing it. I would tell you how to do it but I think I'm doing it wrong. Every time I reach my 4th breathing, I'm woozy. Best to google it.
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Yes, twil, Katie is correct a UTI can cause drastic behavioral changes! It could be other infections as well, but uti is always the first to check.
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Katie222 thank you very much! I will make sure this is checked!!
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Twila, Has your Mom been tested for a urinary tract infection? These can cause strange behavioral problems in older people instead of the usual burning and urgency that younger people get. Sudden odd behavior and UTIs in older people are very common. My Mom has been through several UTIs with strange behavior and delirium. It should be easy for the doctor to test for the UTI and if there is an infection then prescribe antibiotics. If there is no UTI then the doctor can do further testing but I would check for UTI first.
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yes, both my brother and sister are gone. massive heart attack. I am all there is.. or next in line, however one looks at it. I have spoken to my moms dr and they are looking into the matter and will get back with me (soon I hope) The problem is she's not like that all the time she has episodes if you will. Most of the time she is as sharp as a tack.
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Twila, could you clarify a few points? Are your siblings deceased or living? Is anyone available to help? What does your Mom's doctor think about her mental state? It sounds like she is becoming too much for you to handle on top of your disabled son. If there are no family members to help, she may need to be placed in a care facility.
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