I am caring for my in-laws. My father-in-law has signs of pre-dementia, but he is not the one that is being rude. As for my stepmother-in-law she is very capable of doing a lot for herself, but she wants to be waited on hand and foot. She lays in bed all day and screams at everyone to come to her. She can walk, dress and feed herself. She just refuses to make food for herself and will not shower unless she has someone to wash her back and feet. I thought I could handle taking care of them with home health aides come in and help, but the aides won't even come out due to her rudeness and mean comments.
I have notes from the aides and her refusing care and unwilling to work with them. Physical Therapy has come out and accessed her and believe she is capable of doing things on her own. She even has a treadmill in her bedroom, but she has never used it. I am now having to hire privately as I am my husband have full time jobs. She says things to the one aide that still comes, and my stepmother-in-law says mean things about us to the aide. Of course, the aide doesn't believe her because she has seen how my stepmother-in-law treats me. I don't know what to do, because we volunteered to give them help and now, I am regretting it. My Father-in-law doesn't understand what is going on half the time and she screams at him all the time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I think that what you have now is a marriage problem, just as much as an in-law problem. Your husband apparently wished to take his elders into his home, and wishes you to care for them.
I can't know any cultural dictates at work here, nor the status of your marriage and your ability to speak with your husband. For me this would be a deal- breaker. I would tell my husband that he has 6 months in which to place his parents in care. If that isn't accomplished I would have to leave my home and file for--at the least--legal separation.
You have hard choices to make and I am so sorry for that. I wish you the very best of luck.
If she has any kids tell them you are not doing anything for her anymore. Put it in their lap.
Hope this doesn’t cause a rift between you and your husband and I hope he is supportive of you. If he chooses he can coordinate the in home care but take a giant step back. No where is it written that you need to accept abuse from your in laws.
That being said: who is the PoA for either of them? This is the person who needs to step up and step in and deal with the situation. The PoA needs to read the document to see what activates the authority (Durable is activity immediately upon notarization, Springing usually requires one or two medical diagnoses of impairment).
If no one is the PoA for these people, and they are no longer legally able or willing to assign someone, then you can just leave them be and call APS to report them to the social workers as vulnerable adults. If you don't have any legal authority then you don't really have much power to help them as things gets worse, if they don't cooperate. The county will eventually acquire guardianship. You can pursue guardianship if you wish, but do you want to continue to deal with your SMIL? Also, it is expensive and you'd need to get it for each person (so, 2 separate cases).
Many adult children make promises of caregiviing to their parents not knowing what they are signing up for. No one would/should judge you for stepping away in this situation. You are not abandoning them, but just allowing other professionals and solutions to come into play. Please read some of the thousands of posts on this forum under the care topic Burnout. You are well on your way there if you aren't flexible and realistic about their care. Often the solution boils down to the "least bad option".
Now, stand in front of a mirror and say "I can't possibly do that" over and over until it becomes second nature. Relay that to the Aide, and give the Aide a copy of the list.
Hopefully you and your hubby are not paying for the Aide, that should come out of your in-law's pockets, not yours. You need to save for your own "rainy day".
Also, it sounds like Mom-in-law is in denial that her husband has dementia.
I would also have Mom-in-law checked for an Urinary Tract Infection {UTI} as such an infection can cause argumentative behaviors. The test can be done at a doctor's off and even at urgent care.
Your house or theirs. I so hope yours. If so your house ur rules. Tell her she is capable of doing for herself and she needs to do it. You work and don't have the time to wait on her hand and foot. That is not your job. Get her those shower shoes that scrub your feet and a nice long handled back brush. Even if its her home, you are disabling her by not making her do what she can for herself.
If they have any money, I suggest you place them in an Assisted Living. Having aides is not working for you and you should not be responsible for 2 people. In an AL, they may allow FIL if MIL is with him. No money, find a nice Long-term care facility on Medicaid where they can have a room together. FIL will get the care he needs and so will she.
Have you consulted an elder law attorney about removing them?
Juse because they are married does not mean they need to be together if he needs care and she doesn't.
You can evict her.
You can stop going into her space.
You can say "no" to all of her requests.
Consider those options.
You're a kind person and you clearly had no idea what you were getting into. You watched your father die in a nursing home where he had 24/7 care that a sick person might need while dying. You didn't want your FIL to die in a nursing home so you took him in. Now you begin to understand why there are nursing homes and memory care facilities - you and your husband can't possibly provide the care your in-laws need. They belong in such facilities. Dying in one is highly preferable to dying in your home, which could take many years of hellacious living for you and your spouse. Also, how is this a good situation for them? They could benefit from a social life and activities.
The picture I see:
FIL gets violent. SMIL makes him get violent. (No excuse. He's violent, and whatever the reason, he should not be in your home because violence is a danger to you and others.)
SMIL is verbally abusive and overly demanding. She is in denial about this and that. (You allow her to abuse you, and her denial and abuse may be part of a broader mental illness; it doesn't seem like she's all there mentally. She may have an irrational rage disorder. She may have dementia. She may need meds.)
As for proving the situation in your home, take videos with your phone. And pictures. Lots of them. They should be proof to anyone who needs to be informed.
They have enough money to pay aides, so surely there's enough to get them into care facilities. Please do that; you don't deserve this.
Good luck.
If you're willing to give her a second chance, then tell her to consider your discussion a warning and that if there is ONE more infraction, you'll consider it her decision to move to AL. Give it to her in writing, but don't expect her to sign it because that's a whole new battle. Tell her you're prepared to start eviction proceedings.
It's time to treat her like a client, not family, because she's treating you and her aides like slaves, not family.
See the Elder Law attorney and make a plan for them to go elsewhere.
Meanwhile, stop helping.
That ALONE is reason to get her out of your home, immediately.
Years ago, my mil (who did not live with us) threatened to call APS on him. He handed her her keys and walked out. He saw her again years later on her deathbed
Don't let bullies threaten you.
In your shoes, frankly, I woukd call APS and ask them to make a visit. You get to tell YOUR story and shape tge narrative. Tell them your worries about her threats.
If she threatens you, call 911 and have her taken to the hospital. And do not accept her back into YOUR home.
Find another place for them to live. Start researching facilities in your area. Tell them that it is not working out well for either of you.
You shouldn’t have to feel threatened in your own home. You are doing them a favor. If they don’t appreciate your help it is time for them to find help elsewhere.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Right now, you are that dil. And no, you don’t have to put up with her crap.
Sounds exactly right. The OP is that DIL. My client would hold it for her DIL. The second that poor woman stepped in the house at night her MIL would crap her pants all over the place.
She finally took my advice and let her sit in it until her husband (client's son) got home from work. He had to clean her up and they were both mortified.
The client never had another "accident" for her DIL.
The only way the OP gets out of that role of villian in her step-MIL's game is if she refuses to continue playing.
My MIL chose to move to Fla 15 hrs from us, 12 hrs from another son and closest son 7 hrs. She had to do for herself because she had no children around her. Her BIL and Sister were up there in age so could not help. I think it would have been different if she had stayed here with her passive-aggressive personality. I think she would have relied on my DH more. And he would have done because he could. Would not have given up his Golf, but would have done for her. Me, not so much. She burned that bridge long before she left. I had my own Mom anyway.
Well Social Worker came in and said you will need to find another place to live. We had an independent living rep come in and talk with her yesterday. She complained we aren't feeding her 3 meals a day and the guy was like well here is your option to fix for that. My SMIL said if I have an option I am staying here. I do not understand her thinking you are telling people we aren't providing but you are fighting to stay here. That doesn't make sense to me.
When she's hungry enough she will get up and come to the kitchen.
Next, instruct her aides that they are not to tolerate verbal abuse from her. Also, when the villifying language of you starts up, make sure the know to shut that crap down immediately.
Let her know that if she refuses to shower that no one is going to tolerate a disgusting, stinking mess. That if she is so invalid that she cannot take a shower without supervision then she belongs in a care facility with a full staff.
If your FIL doesn't know what's going on in his own house then he doesn't have pre-dementia (is that even a real thing?). He has actual dementia and someone needs to get him to a doctor for some cognitive testing. He may need homecare or even AL.
I was an homecare aide for 25 years and operate my own homecare operation now.
I've had many, many clients like your step-MIL. You've got an entitled senior-brat on your hands. The way to break them out of this behavior is by doing exactly what I'm saying in this post.
So, let's recap:
-Everyone (including her aides) stops humoring her and waiting on her hand and foot today
-When the rude comments and verbal abuse start up tell her to shut up and then walk away and ignore her.
-When she starts making demands and barking orders tell her if she wants something she can get it herself or do without it.
No catering to her and no tolerating her tantrums or verbal abuse.
-Make sure the aides don't tolerate it either and they shut her down when she starts villifying you.
-If she refuses to wash or shower she can stay in her bed. No one do anything for her. Don't bring her food, don't talk to her, don't anything.
If she can still do for herself she must be forced to. Nothing is more important than maintaining whatever level of independence a person can.
In the meantime, it would be a good idea to start looking into different care facilities for your step-MIL and your father. They may not be good candidates for assisted living because an AL will not tolerate your step-MIL's behavior.
Id just say “don’t yell at me” and leave as you suggested. If they get tantrums, then say the line about how stubborn elders get ticketed to a nh.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Have you looked into finding a place for them to live?
If you don’t mind checking out places that would be suitable for them to move to, hand them a list of places that have openings and tell them that you will gladly help them pack up their belongings and even drive them to their new destination!
She wouldn't want to live where she is being abused and neglected would she?
She'll need to seek accommodation elsewhere.
APS can help with that.
She sounds mentally ill. You may end up having to evict her.
APS will do the work for them. The OP won't need to do eviction.
They are vulnerble adults and elderly. The state will take them out of the home and place them.
I can only say that this is a tough warning out to others who take elders into their own homes. Once done it is extremely difficult to get them out again.
Your step-MIL actually called APS? Good. That's the best thing that could happen here. Put on a pot of coffee and tell APS to come on over. Let them take it from here.
What happens now is because step-MIL got too cute and went too far with her wicked little games, APS will remove her and your FIL from your home and they will get placed. I'm sure it will be against their will, but if they are vulerable adults and there's no one else who will take them in, this is exactly what will happen.
So many of our beloved seniors and kids don't understand that you don't cry abuse where there is none. Not getting your own way every minute of the day and not being waited upond hand and foot is not abuse. You don't play games with APS, or Child Protective Services, or the police because they will respond.
My friend's daughter did this when she was a young teenager. A spoiled little brat whose parents gave her everything. Love, attention, a beautiful home, you name it. She was out of control. Sneaking out at night, skipping school, getting high. All kinds of bad things.
One day she was berating and demanding her mom give her money. When she was refused, she came at my friend who defended herself. She left bruises on her because she restrained her to the floor.
That girl went straight to the police and called the DCF (child protective services in CT) to spite her mother.
They put her in a foster home for six months were she actually suffered abuse. After her anger and rage towards her parents subsided, the state didn't just let her go back home. She tried to run away and was put into a security facility for minors which is basically kid jail.
It was a whole process with the state to let that kid back home.
Same thing with your step-MIL.
Never call the state unless it's real and serious. Your step-MIL's little game will backfire in her face.
Wave good-bye to the two of them from the porch when APS puts them in a van.
Then tell her this is not working out and you and hubby will be finding them another place.
When did we middle age kids decide that our parents could ruin our lives and put such burdens on us? I'm 58, and I already have a care plan in place so my children will NEVER have to care for me. I took care of them. It's not a two-way street.
This generation expects their lives to never change. They expect us to do for them to “ maintain their independent lifestyles”.
For some reason we were groomed for this by our parents. My mother told me at an early age I was to take care of her when she was old , I took care of both parents , until I could not any longer , then they went into a facility which they didn’t want .
Women always get exploited when it comes to caregiving.
Good luck.
This woman has made up in her mind that you are going to serve her. You are your own person. Women get taken advantage of and dumped on by family. Don't fall into this trap. It sounds like your dh needs to be forced into action by your inaction.