When my father died, he left her penniless. So not long after, we moved her in with us. It's been 11 years. We have not charged her a dime. All I asked is that she save most of her money in case of medical emergency. She's been sending money to my sister on a regular basis since my niece was born. Fine. Grandma stuff. However, I noticed she was also ordering things on her Amazon account. Since I was the one who cleaned up her financial mess after my dad passed, she had me put on her accounts. So last month I took the time to reconcile her bank statements. I was floored. She is almost spending her entire SS check on my sister. Her savings have obviously not increased. I am so beyond angry. My sister, which I get is a disaster is the only thing she puts energy into, including not taking care of her health properly. I feel beyond disrespected. It's not like I haven't mentioned that she needs to watch her spending (she is also a shopoaholic). This needs to stop. I refuse to let her put me in the position of being responsible for her medical care/debt. She has also had the extra bonus of us living overseas where her medical care and medication has been a fraction of what it costs in the states. I know when we move back, most of her monthly SS check will be eaten up in medications alone. Her funds will not last long and we will have to move back to the states probably next year. I don't know how to make her do what is right. I feel that is just not going to happen, so what can I do? I've thought of charging her "rent". I'm not going to keep the money. I would set it aside in a savings account for her. I just don't know how to legally resolve this problem. I doesn't feel right to just take the money out and put it an account that she can't access, though I do have legal access to her accounts. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I am at my wits end.

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You say in your profile that you're about to have your first child, and that because of all of what your mom has done, you now "HATE" her. Your mom sounds like she's in good health, so perhaps it's time to let her figure life out on her own. Now that of course will mean her moving out and learning the value of a dollar, and learning how to budget. She may not be able to afford the nicest of places, but at least she will be out of your home, and you won't have the added stress of her being there. Your baby doesn't need that stress either.
All you are doing by allowing a perfectly healthy woman live in your home, and not be contributing a dime, is enabling her bad financial decisions and behaviors. It's time to take your life and your home back, so you can bring up that precious child in a stress free environment. Best wishes.
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You cannot change others. I am uncertain why you have taken your mother into your home, but it sounds it may be time for her to move out. She has gifted money in a manner that will preclude her receiving the needed medicaid money for placement should she need it within the next five years. You shouldn't be responsible for caring for someone who acts in the manner she does. I agree with Funkygrandma's post below completely. As I said, you will not change her. It's time to give up trying and live your own business. Allow her to do as she pleases with her money and bear the consequences.
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I read your profile and she's not only using up all of your caregiving and finances, she's using up your life.
With all respect to you, your mother is a selfish moocher who expects her child (you) to be her parent.
You're expecting a baby. Your child has to be the priority for you, not your mother.
Before you move back to the U.S. lay it on the table to her plainly. That she cannot live with you anymore and that you cannot provide for her anymore.
If she wants to stay in whatever country she's in, don't try to stop her. If she wants to return to the U.S. then that's fine too. Drop her off at your sister's home. She's paying for everything over there already, so she might as well live there too.
You will soon have your own family to think about. Mooching, freeloading mom can't be taken care of by you anymore.
Helpful Answer (5)
lealonnie1 May 2021
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Moving back 'home' is a perfect time/excuse to move mom OUT of your home.

You don't say she has cognitive issues, so sit her down and explain what's going to happen. You are moving back to the states and she is NOT going to live with you. Period.

You won't be respoinsible for her medical care---if she dies with bills outstanding, they just become unrecoverable or are taken in the posthumous housecleaning that goes on. It doesn't fall back on you. And, no, to be certain it does not, don't EVER sign anything to the effect that you will take responsibility for her debts.

If you have about a year to plan, that's plenty of time to research places for her to live. I would make sure she doesn't spend one night in your new home. You'll never get her out.

Is sister just a total mooch or is it possible for mom to live with her? At least in that situation mom would get a certain amount of bang from her buck, if she's shoring sis up, financially.

A new baby and a new start.
Helpful Answer (2)

At 76 having her budget will not happen. My suggestion would send her to live with your sister since she seems to be supporting her anyway.

I hope your Mom was on Medicare when ur Dad passed. If so, she may qualify for Medicaid health insurance as her secondary. In my state, it covers health, dental, vision and prescriptions. There is also state prescription plans for those who fall in the middle. My Mom was on PADD in our state.

HUD has subsidized apts. U pay 1/3 of your monthly income as rent, heat is included and electric is capped at a certain amount. She would be responsible for cable and her necessities. She may qualify for food stamps.

I think you realize now that you did your Mom no favors by paying her way. She should have been paying for all her own personal things and maybe contributing to household expenses. Which u could have banked for her future needs. Like the say "no goid deed goes unpunished. Hope this all works out for you.
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What a mess! I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It is odd that so many people treat money as if it is Monopoly money. It’s ‘play’ money to them.

My mom was the opposite of yours. She lived through the depression and was extremely frugal, BUT she also gave money to my brothers, because she felt sorry for them and felt that it was her responsibility.

We didn’t initially charge my mom any money either but we changed our opinion later on because we felt that we had a right to ask her to contribute to the household groceries and so on.

You have a right to ask her to chip in for expenses. Think about how much she would be paying if she lived elsewhere.

Many of us have had siblings that took advantage of our mom’s generosity. It’s sad.

I had an aunt who was a shopaholic. She insisted on having a different dress to wear every Sunday to church. My uncle got so fed up with her spending that he took her name off of his account and told her to open her own accounts. She racked up thousands and thousands of dollars in credit cards! She never changed! Some people have awful spending habits.
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