How can I help my mum to ignore the dementia talk from my Dad?

I love my mother too which is precisely why she lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence where she can get 24/7 care from teams of caregivers every day. I don't have to listen to her demented accusations 24/7 either, which is helpful for my state of mind, because as far as I know, there is nothing you can do to help your mother from getting upset at her husband's false claims against her. She can turn a deaf ear to it all, chalking it off to 'dementia-talk', but in reality, it all takes a HUGE toll on a person after a while, no matter how thick-skinned we are. My mother is 94+ herself, suffering from dementia since 2016 and only going downhill all the time. She gets great care where she lives, and I have my sanity intact, for the most part.

If placing your dad is such a horrible thought to you and your mom, consider bringing in paid caregivers to give her a break every day. Allow her to get out and away from the accusations being hurled at her, and so she can feel like a normal human being again, at least for a few hours each day. It's mind bogglingly hard work to deal with a dementia patient all day long, every day, day in and day out, and she needs respite from it. That's the best thing you can do to help your mother get some relief from the predicament she's in at the moment.

Good luck helping your mom figure out how to get help with your dad.

Your mom needs to be educated on dementia and all that it entails. She can watch some great videos on YouTube by Teepa Snow, that will help her better understand, and not to take things your father says so personal. A person with dementia/Alzheimer's brain is broken, and logic doesn't live there any more, so there is no reasoning with them. And arguing is pointless as all it does is upset the involved parties. Your mom needs to learn how to just either walk away, or just go along with whatever your father says in a calm voice. It's proven that folks with any of the dementias mirror whatever mood their loved ones are in, so if at all possible your mom needs to remain calm, and positive no matter what is being said to her. I know that that can be easier said than done, but she will be amazed how much easier her life will be if she can do that.
I wish you and your mom the best in caring for your father.

Dealing with this negativity is not easy. If your mom can't understand that his brain is broken and that she can't take in these accusations as actually being from her husband, then she's going to have a really tough time with this. What some people do is have a vague response ready to say each time that. he makes these unfounded accusations. If she can't let it go, you might want to consider moving him for your mom's sake.

Educating her is the best, but it's still tough to ignore the accusations. Keep the information brief enough to make the point but not overwhelm her. Bulleted items with brief examples, such as those you provided can be listed. Let her know that this is SO common!

Along with that is suggestions for her to cope with the accusations. She needs to understand that trying to get him to know what he's saying isn't true is part of the education she needs. The "ideas" they get, whether it's stealing, cheating, or a host of other situations are there and won't be dislodged. Arguing, trying to convince him otherwise or whatever she's trying isn't going to work. The best she can do is acknowledge what he's said and tell him she will look into it and then try to distract him. If she can't distract him, she needs to affirm again she'll "look into it" and walk away.

Arguing with someone who has dementia is like trying to argue with a 2 year old. It will only lead to anger and frustration. When you two can sit together away from him, talk about how she tries to convince him and that it doesn't work. Since it doesn't work, ever, then she needs to try this different approach. It will take time and there will be set backs, but if she's willing to try, encourage her. If possible, demonstrate how to do it when you are there helping out.

While talking about it, just the two of you, perhaps you can also make light of it and get her to laugh about how silly it is that he thinks this way. Of course she shouldn't laugh at him when he says these things, but if she can see the humor in it (how can she steal a bank book when they no longer use them), perhaps it can help. We all need to have a break, and a good laugh. It is tough caring for someone with dementia.

The suggestion to hire some help might lessen the effect for her as well, giving her time away from the accusations and time to "unwind" a bit. It's not easy for us adult children to deal with, imagine how much harder it is on a spouse, especially one who is over 90!

The only other possible solution might be a mild anti-anxiety med for him. Our doc didn't want mom to have this "on hand" in the event she had another UTI which lead to severe sun-downing, because it's considered to be a fall risk. Mom didn't need it all the time, only for the UTI episode, but she NEVER fell when taking it. She also wasn't "doped up." In your dad's case, he's already unable to walk, so isn't really a fall risk. If this seems to happen at a certain time of day, say later afternoon or early evening, a very small dose 15-20m before the time he usually starts should take the "edge" off and may be enough.

Listen to her. Don’t shut her off from being able to talk about what hurts her. I understand that it hurts you too, but just listen, nod, hug her. Tell her you are here for her. You are ready to listen anytime she needs to talk. Even hearing that will reduce her stress.

Of course she knows she didn’t take his “bank book,” but it’s being the source of his anxiety and accusations of deceit that hurts her to the core. She feels the need to defend herself because she having difficulty reconciling the situation, as would anyone who is rational.

This is very stressful for her, so do things with her (away from him) that ease her stress. When dad was very sick, Mom could “get away” at a movie. You could read her a favorite book, listen to music, even go on a drive. When I played Mom music from her youth, she became so relaxed and happy. It is easy to pull up obscure songs from long ago on your cellphone.

Even if you go right back into the hurricane, a few minutes off will make her healthier, mentally and physically.

Talk to your dad’s doctor about an antidepressant (for him) to take the edge off the anxiety that is causing his torment.

I feel your pain and totally understand this situation. It’s hard not to take these comments personable. The repetitive behavior is tough to handle. An unbelievable amount of patience is required!!!! This is my “self-talk” to myself during visits with both parents with dementia.

Anytime anyone says anything to you or about you that is not true it is upsetting.
Think back to when you were in school, kids say all sorts of stuff that is not true and it upsets you, in the workplace people may say things that are not true....on social media people say things that we know are not true and it upsets you. This is no different.
Just keep repeating that it is the disease not him that is saying those things.
With some things she could try reassure him that his money is safe, the bank books are safe. I bet that is his concern.
This might help....Go to the Dollar Store and get some children's fake money. Get a new check register (remember we used to record all the checks we wrote). If you can find an old bank book (heavens I have not seen one of those in years) and give them to him. He can't do anything with them but just having them might put him at ease. You could even give him some "junk mail" for him to go through. With all his "money, bank book and mail" he might feel less anxiety and that might stop some of the arguments.
If she still gets upset if he says anything just tell her to leave the room, as long as it is safe to do so.
If he is complaining that she has not fed him get a "snack" for him. A bit of yogurt, applesauce, pudding or anything else he can eat. My Husband was eating a lot of soft or pureed foods and sleeping a lot I would spread out his meals over the entire day so he would eat a bit at breakfast, lunch and dinner but I would give him pureed fruit, yogurt several times during the day.

I have to add this, only because it's me and I feel strongly about this subject....
Is your dad on Hospice? If not I would contact the Hospice of your choice (there are 2 basic types FOR profit and NOT for profit) have him evaluated and you will get help from CNA's that will come in a few times a week. A Nurse that will come once a week. You will get supplies and equipment that you need to safely care for him. And you can ask for a Volunteer that can come in and help either do some housework, sit with dad while you take mom out for a bit. I would not have been able to care for my Husband the way I did without the help from Hospice and the VA.
(and if dad is a Veteran check with the VA or contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission to determine how much help the VA could be for your dad and mom. )

Placement, assistance, or meds might all be helpful. I think, too, that it is a way of holding onto the old person. If she is arguing with him, he is a little like the old person who handled some of the stuff. Would it be possible to bring him some old bank pass books, financial documents, checks? They don't have to be the current stuff at all, best not, obviously. A man I knew placed a card table with "business" looking papers on it for his wife. It made her feel much better to work on her papers.Something like this might give your Dad a little more feeling of control over things. Anything like this might help, a grocery circular to think about what he wants from the store, etc. Can he make a "list" with a notepad and big pencil or an X on what he would like? Some homes put up big clocks and calendars. I don't know if this will help or what might work, but laying in bed unable to walk is not only boring but cuts you off from most of the little decisions and activities do and attach us to our world. Any one convalescing from a flu can remember the feeling. It makes you more disoriented. An old bridge player I knew just liked to deal cards on a tray in front of her. If your Dad had old interests or hobbies that you can imitate in some small way, it might ease things for them.

Get a professional from your area to talk with her. Social Services, Dept Public Health, Senior Services, whatever

I agree with you that your dad's symptoms are all part of his disease process. However, I agree with your mother that being accused all the time is hurtful and difficult to hear long term.

Watch the movie "50 First Dates" together. There are funny characters that have short term memory loss. The story is about a man who falls in love with a woman with short term memory problems and finds a way to help her remember him. It may help your mom to see more clearly that her husband has a neurological problem.

The reason I recommend this movie is that Alzheimer's disease creates a similar situation. Your dad doesn't remember the "current stuff" and his memories hark back to an earlier time - bank books are a huge clue. The best way to handle his anxiety is to reassure him that whatever he is stressing about is actually not a problem and to distract him to another topic.

If he can not be calmed and remains accusatory, anxious, and agitated... then he may need some intervention. Talk to his doctor about this obsession and agitation - how often, for how long, all the behaviors... - and that distraction and reassurances are not working. His doctor can prescribe anti-anxiety medication to help him calm down.

Hello, i am also in a similar situation as well with my MIL. But in our case, my MIL has come to believe that my husband (her son) is "her" husband. It all started with just a couple comments here and there if we were out and about, but some times she was able to remember he was her son. But recently (2yrs later) she is in full belief of this. It does become hard to just "ignore and shrug it off". My MIL started to see me as "the other woman" and our 3 children (her grandchildren) as a product of him cheating on her with me. She would ask my husband for a divorce and cry while asking why he didnt love her anymore. Some times it would be her cursing at him over and over or making sexual advances at him. I knew it was hard for me to hear and see and even harder for my husband to deal with being it was his own mother. We helped care for her (4+ years) on ths weekends, holidays, and even weekdays when my SIL needed. But now that the situation has gotten to this point we were no longer able to help in that way. The atmosphere in the house was just uncomfortable all the time. My husband and i couldnt speak to each other, some times my children couldnt be around their father and even my husband resting in our bedroom after work with or without me around was not possible because of cheating accusations or that he was wrong for leavibg her alone. I bring this up to say that caring for someone with dementia can take a toll and its okay sometimes to say you arent able to do it. My husband and i have been 3 weeks "not cargiving" for my MIL but my BIL brings her by for a couple hours on the weekend and even though the situation still occurs it isnt as hard as it was before. My SIL on the otherhand is guilting my husband into believing he is wrong for not "caring" for their mother on the weekends anymore, because he should just " ignore" her comments. (Mind you, she would have weekends off, because we were helping care for her). Mentally, there are things you cant just ignore, there are actions and words, like in my husbands case, that you cant just pass off. My husband doesnt want to remember his mother in this way and i support him in his decision. We still get to spend some "good" time with her in these short visits and we arent sacrificing our mental health for it.

I recommend watching a webinar recorded yesterday by the Cleveland Clinic Lou Ruvo Center for Brain Health in Las Vegas. The topic was psychosis (hallucinations and delusions) in dementia patients. The specific dementias mentioned were Alzheimers, Vascular, FrontoTemporal (FTD), and Lewy Body (LBD) which is part of the Parkinsonism group of problems. The doctor explains the differences between illusions, hallucinations and delusions. He also differentiates delirium from dementia. Especially common in Alzheimers are delusions of theft, persecution, and spousal infidelity. Only Parkinson's has a drug FDA approved for hallucinations. He had tips for dealing with psychosis in dementia patients with the best being redirection. I highly watching this and other of the recordings available at www.cclunchlearn.com.

I wonder if your Mom would be able to join a support group or even read these responses. It always helps to hear that other people are having similar experiences because it puts the disease in its place.

I'm 65, my dh with dementia is 68, and it is hard for me to deal with his words. I can imagine how much harder it is for your mom who has so many more years invested in life with your dad. I have to constantly tell myself it is the dementia speaking and still I can get into a bawling mess. Hold your mom close because the words cut deep even when you know the source. She needs you to be her voice of reason.

Accept that the effect dementia is having on your father and causing him to say these things is still upsetting for your mother. It's horrible. It isn't the truth of what he's saying, it's his having these distorted thoughts to express at all that is distressing for her, poor lady; and for you too, I should think, even though you're managing not to take the accusations to heart.

If a physical illness had disfigured him, it would still be upsetting no matter how well you understood the process. Understanding things rationally doesn't always make them much more bearable.

These kinds of accusations are fairly common when people have dementia. Would your mother benefit from a trusted counselor who has experience with people who have dementia and can help her deal with the untrue accusations? I learned a lot from the staff at my mother's memory care unit on how to deal with my mother's condition. They never argue or try to use logic, but rather try to redirect. Have your mother learn as much as she can about dementia and how it can manifest, and what to do. Dementia can get worse. At some point, you and your mother may need some assistance caring for your father. Think about getting experienced aides to come in and help. Men something prefer male aides. Don't let yourselves get burned out and over stressed!

Share this site with your mom and read some of the issues other people have that are similar. If I feel troubled by what I am dealing with, I come here and then realize how much worse things could be as well as get coping advice when reading responses.

You can do nothing, my 97 yr old Dad will accuse the Caregivers of trying to poison him or stealing his money which isn't true because he has no money there. I just say whatever to calm him down.
It doesn't matter if it's not true for it is true to them.
My Dad is worse when he has a UTI which is a Urinary Track Infection.

You might have his Nurse come to the house and get a Urine Sample to.check to make sure

My parents are in the same age group as your folks, and they really accept third-party validation from qualified professionals, i.e., doctors, or other medical staff folks. I second and third the suggestions I see here to tap into those resources for your mom, so they can explain what’s going on, and answer her questions. In my family, I am the well-researched caregiver and POA. Despite being well-researched, I am their daughter. This means I cannot be that third-party validator, which I know. I also know that won’t change - it would be the same no matter which sibling was in that role, so I don’t take it personally. Find the right expert for your mom - someone who can relate to her, use language and words she comprehends and is comfortable with, and go for it. My best to you.

Telling mom to ignore dad's demented rants is easier said than done. Maybe mom is just unable to ignore and not take it to heart. The work caring for dad may be more than she is able to do at this stage in her life. She is 92 years young after all.

For your mom's sake and welfare it might be time to move dad to a facility to care for him and who are trained to deal with all his issues - especially his verbal abuse.

I wish your family the best of luck.

I think you are dealing with two very old people who BOTH have dementia. Nothing you say or do is going to sink in - So, let her be and don't even argue or to fix things. Just ignore her when she starts in and walk away. Keep YOUR sanity. And if need be, get tough and tell her to stop at once, you will not listen, change the subject or walk away. I would go insane having this stuff go on in my premises. I'd have placed them long ago.

Imho, there is a possibility that although you don't state it, that your mother may have a little dementia, too. Prayers sent.

Finda support group for your mum and maybe you too. They are precious and ever so helpful.

Remind her that the words/ideas are symptoms of the disease and she would not ask him to walk normally if he were physically disabled by disease, and she can't ask/debate him to think normally when he has Alzheimer's. Old habits are hard to break. When people express an incorrect idea, we want to debate them into believing the correct position. Alz brains can no longer process things correctly; it's that simple and that hard. There are expert talks and articles online that can help your mom learn to redirect instead of arguing -- and it would be less stressful. You could both practice some redirection techniques with your father. I know this forum would really appreciate any reports from you on what works for your dad, so please share what works for you. :-)

I highly recommend “Understanding the Dementia Experience” by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller and UTube videos by Teepa Snow on trying to understand how the dementia patient sees and interacts in their world because it is their reality. My husband and I reread Ghent-Fuller’s paper to refresh our understanding when dealing with my Mom.

I'm sorry to say but it seems that you have no credibility. Take her to a dementia specialist so they can explain to her that 'money stealing' is a common dementia talk and evidently also is memory loss...so no point on repeating an argument with him if 10m later he'd forgotten the chat..and goes over and over again.
They can explain what is coming (different in each person with the condition) and which approaches are best.
Have you read about the SPECAL approach..very simple.

Thank-you all for such wonderful words of wisdom and for taking the time to answer. I let my Mum read them all and they have validated what I’ve been saying to her. I’ve given her a hand massage, facial and foot massage today and we had a nice time together while Dad was sleeping. Thanks again.