How can I help my mum to ignore the dementia talk from my Dad?

I love my mother too which is precisely why she lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence where she can get 24/7 care from teams of caregivers every day. I don't have to listen to her demented accusations 24/7 either, which is helpful for my state of mind, because as far as I know, there is nothing you can do to help your mother from getting upset at her husband's false claims against her. She can turn a deaf ear to it all, chalking it off to 'dementia-talk', but in reality, it all takes a HUGE toll on a person after a while, no matter how thick-skinned we are. My mother is 94+ herself, suffering from dementia since 2016 and only going downhill all the time. She gets great care where she lives, and I have my sanity intact, for the most part.

If placing your dad is such a horrible thought to you and your mom, consider bringing in paid caregivers to give her a break every day. Allow her to get out and away from the accusations being hurled at her, and so she can feel like a normal human being again, at least for a few hours each day. It's mind bogglingly hard work to deal with a dementia patient all day long, every day, day in and day out, and she needs respite from it. That's the best thing you can do to help your mother get some relief from the predicament she's in at the moment.

Good luck helping your mom figure out how to get help with your dad.

Placement, assistance, or meds might all be helpful. I think, too, that it is a way of holding onto the old person. If she is arguing with him, he is a little like the old person who handled some of the stuff. Would it be possible to bring him some old bank pass books, financial documents, checks? They don't have to be the current stuff at all, best not, obviously. A man I knew placed a card table with "business" looking papers on it for his wife. It made her feel much better to work on her papers.Something like this might give your Dad a little more feeling of control over things. Anything like this might help, a grocery circular to think about what he wants from the store, etc. Can he make a "list" with a notepad and big pencil or an X on what he would like? Some homes put up big clocks and calendars. I don't know if this will help or what might work, but laying in bed unable to walk is not only boring but cuts you off from most of the little decisions and activities do and attach us to our world. Any one convalescing from a flu can remember the feeling. It makes you more disoriented. An old bridge player I knew just liked to deal cards on a tray in front of her. If your Dad had old interests or hobbies that you can imitate in some small way, it might ease things for them.

I'm 65, my dh with dementia is 68, and it is hard for me to deal with his words. I can imagine how much harder it is for your mom who has so many more years invested in life with your dad. I have to constantly tell myself it is the dementia speaking and still I can get into a bawling mess. Hold your mom close because the words cut deep even when you know the source. She needs you to be her voice of reason.

Telling mom to ignore dad's demented rants is easier said than done. Maybe mom is just unable to ignore and not take it to heart. The work caring for dad may be more than she is able to do at this stage in her life. She is 92 years young after all.

For your mom's sake and welfare it might be time to move dad to a facility to care for him and who are trained to deal with all his issues - especially his verbal abuse.

I wish your family the best of luck.

Educating her is the best, but it's still tough to ignore the accusations. Keep the information brief enough to make the point but not overwhelm her. Bulleted items with brief examples, such as those you provided can be listed. Let her know that this is SO common!

Along with that is suggestions for her to cope with the accusations. She needs to understand that trying to get him to know what he's saying isn't true is part of the education she needs. The "ideas" they get, whether it's stealing, cheating, or a host of other situations are there and won't be dislodged. Arguing, trying to convince him otherwise or whatever she's trying isn't going to work. The best she can do is acknowledge what he's said and tell him she will look into it and then try to distract him. If she can't distract him, she needs to affirm again she'll "look into it" and walk away.

Arguing with someone who has dementia is like trying to argue with a 2 year old. It will only lead to anger and frustration. When you two can sit together away from him, talk about how she tries to convince him and that it doesn't work. Since it doesn't work, ever, then she needs to try this different approach. It will take time and there will be set backs, but if she's willing to try, encourage her. If possible, demonstrate how to do it when you are there helping out.

While talking about it, just the two of you, perhaps you can also make light of it and get her to laugh about how silly it is that he thinks this way. Of course she shouldn't laugh at him when he says these things, but if she can see the humor in it (how can she steal a bank book when they no longer use them), perhaps it can help. We all need to have a break, and a good laugh. It is tough caring for someone with dementia.

The suggestion to hire some help might lessen the effect for her as well, giving her time away from the accusations and time to "unwind" a bit. It's not easy for us adult children to deal with, imagine how much harder it is on a spouse, especially one who is over 90!

The only other possible solution might be a mild anti-anxiety med for him. Our doc didn't want mom to have this "on hand" in the event she had another UTI which lead to severe sun-downing, because it's considered to be a fall risk. Mom didn't need it all the time, only for the UTI episode, but she NEVER fell when taking it. She also wasn't "doped up." In your dad's case, he's already unable to walk, so isn't really a fall risk. If this seems to happen at a certain time of day, say later afternoon or early evening, a very small dose 15-20m before the time he usually starts should take the "edge" off and may be enough.

Listen to her. Don’t shut her off from being able to talk about what hurts her. I understand that it hurts you too, but just listen, nod, hug her. Tell her you are here for her. You are ready to listen anytime she needs to talk. Even hearing that will reduce her stress.

Of course she knows she didn’t take his “bank book,” but it’s being the source of his anxiety and accusations of deceit that hurts her to the core. She feels the need to defend herself because she having difficulty reconciling the situation, as would anyone who is rational.

This is very stressful for her, so do things with her (away from him) that ease her stress. When dad was very sick, Mom could “get away” at a movie. You could read her a favorite book, listen to music, even go on a drive. When I played Mom music from her youth, she became so relaxed and happy. It is easy to pull up obscure songs from long ago on your cellphone.

Even if you go right back into the hurricane, a few minutes off will make her healthier, mentally and physically.

Talk to your dad’s doctor about an antidepressant (for him) to take the edge off the anxiety that is causing his torment.

I wonder if your Mom would be able to join a support group or even read these responses. It always helps to hear that other people are having similar experiences because it puts the disease in its place.

Anytime anyone says anything to you or about you that is not true it is upsetting.
Think back to when you were in school, kids say all sorts of stuff that is not true and it upsets you, in the workplace people may say things that are not true....on social media people say things that we know are not true and it upsets you. This is no different.
Just keep repeating that it is the disease not him that is saying those things.
With some things she could try reassure him that his money is safe, the bank books are safe. I bet that is his concern.
This might help....Go to the Dollar Store and get some children's fake money. Get a new check register (remember we used to record all the checks we wrote). If you can find an old bank book (heavens I have not seen one of those in years) and give them to him. He can't do anything with them but just having them might put him at ease. You could even give him some "junk mail" for him to go through. With all his "money, bank book and mail" he might feel less anxiety and that might stop some of the arguments.
If she still gets upset if he says anything just tell her to leave the room, as long as it is safe to do so.
If he is complaining that she has not fed him get a "snack" for him. A bit of yogurt, applesauce, pudding or anything else he can eat. My Husband was eating a lot of soft or pureed foods and sleeping a lot I would spread out his meals over the entire day so he would eat a bit at breakfast, lunch and dinner but I would give him pureed fruit, yogurt several times during the day.

I have to add this, only because it's me and I feel strongly about this subject....
Is your dad on Hospice? If not I would contact the Hospice of your choice (there are 2 basic types FOR profit and NOT for profit) have him evaluated and you will get help from CNA's that will come in a few times a week. A Nurse that will come once a week. You will get supplies and equipment that you need to safely care for him. And you can ask for a Volunteer that can come in and help either do some housework, sit with dad while you take mom out for a bit. I would not have been able to care for my Husband the way I did without the help from Hospice and the VA.
(and if dad is a Veteran check with the VA or contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission to determine how much help the VA could be for your dad and mom. )

I recommend watching a webinar recorded yesterday by the Cleveland Clinic Lou Ruvo Center for Brain Health in Las Vegas. The topic was psychosis (hallucinations and delusions) in dementia patients. The specific dementias mentioned were Alzheimers, Vascular, FrontoTemporal (FTD), and Lewy Body (LBD) which is part of the Parkinsonism group of problems. The doctor explains the differences between illusions, hallucinations and delusions. He also differentiates delirium from dementia. Especially common in Alzheimers are delusions of theft, persecution, and spousal infidelity. Only Parkinson's has a drug FDA approved for hallucinations. He had tips for dealing with psychosis in dementia patients with the best being redirection. I highly watching this and other of the recordings available at www.cclunchlearn.com.

Finda support group for your mum and maybe you too. They are precious and ever so helpful.