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Hi! I am 29 years old and I am grown by my only parent which is mum. She has gone through very difficult life (her mum had mental issues since she was in young age and my mum had two marriages in life and both ended because husbands died in accidents). We are 5 sisters and I am the last one which is living with mum. All are married. I want to make her happy but it seems impossible to her. I feel ashamed to say but we are having very bad time with fights around home. My mum had been a strong woman but what she did in all life for us was ruling, controlling and feeding us. I still suffer from lack confidence. The future scare me and I overthink so much. Mum is possessive in everything and she never feels fulfilled. For her I an not smart enough, successful enough. I used to grow up with the thoughts that my neighbours are more powerful than me and people in the tv are smarter then me. Although I finished my studies in one of the most requested and difficult branch (for accounting and auditing ) for her it's nothing. She doesn't even know for what I got graduated let alone to be supportive. She didn't know my desires and doesn't care to ask. When I talk and express her answer is just " call your mind, find a husband and make kids". Maybe I sound as selfish but my mental situation is not good. I want to pass happy time but it is driving me crazy. I am so in need for your suggestions. How I should behave? Is it bad that I acccept this from her?


Thank you for reading and maybe my English if it is not good.

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Hurting people hurt others. Should they? Of course not, but it happens because of all the emotions that they haven’t sorted out for themselves. You can’t know how she feels because you haven’t walked in her shoes. She doesn’t know how you feel either.

Friction occurs with too much togetherness. Arguments occur for a variety of reasons. Everyone argues from time to time but if you reach a point when you are completely miserable then it’s probably time for a separation.

Having said that, it is out of your control and she is going to be who she is with or without you. You do not have the power to change anyone but yourself. You are not happy. You are not selfish for wanting peace in your life.

Set a time frame for your departure and make the arrangements to do so. I wish you the very best. Take care.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Thank you very much for your words. They really meant a lot to me. I actually have saved and invested some money to buy one small apartment and I have thought to move soon but I feel guilty to let her alone since I can understand that she is afraid to be alone. We live in a tiny country where the opinion of others matters a lot and also our country cultural is that parents live with one of their child's family. It will be rough but I have to make a step and this the time. As for my work I don't work in my field but I have a salary above the country average. I honestly don't feel fulfilled in what I am doing and I have thought to make a turn in my profession. I have 8.5 years that work as store manager in retail. I have been in need money and used this time but I don't feel satisfied at all. Sometimes I feel I am a copy of mum, never happy, never full filled although everything I have earned have been just work of my shoulders. I thank you all from my heart ❤️
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Reply to Emaema
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Emaema, you are not responsible for your mother's happiness. She has to want it for herself and if she doesn't -- then all your energies to try to make her happy will be pointless and cause you exhaustion. She's a grown woman and knows how to get it, just doesn't want it or care.

Move out and put some literal distance between you and your mother. Learn about boundaries. enabling and co-dependency. Healthy boundaries will be extremely important to your happiness. There are no guaranties in life and almost everything involves risk, particularly relationships with people because all people are flawed. All. If you understand this as you pursue things, you won't be so scared or deeply disappointed or frozen. Every failure should be viewed as something you've learned so you don't repeat it. Every failure should make you smarter, stronger and more secure. Everyone is in the same boat. Move upward and outward. I wish you peace in your heart on this endeavor, and much success!
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Reply to Geaton777
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The best way to build your self esteem is to do the very best job you can in your profession and life.

You will make mistakes, we all do. It is how you deal with them and what you learn from them that sets you apart from others.

You are a grown woman and that means that you are now the decision maker for yourself. You can set boundaries with your mom and enforce them to protect yourself. You need to find your own place, if you still live with her. Then you can decide when and how long you will visit.

I had a sad feeling for your mom reading how she lost 2 husbands tragically. That truly does effect us in ways that nobody can imagine, you can only understand some thing's because you have lived them personally. Has she had any counseling to deal with her loss? Maybe she is afraid and projecting her fear on you? I don't pretend to know, I just want you to understand that it is a HUGE challenge what she has been through and she should have some professional support to deal with her.

For you, learn to let go of what she says that is unkind or nasty, learn to walk away, hang up or disengage when she gets ugly. Live the best life you can and be true to yourself. Surround yourself with people that value you and are not unkind. Value those around you and be kind. Learn something new every day and seek to be the best you that you can be. That's all we can really do in this life, one day at a time.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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You can not change her so...
Change yourself.
You know your mom has problems and you can not fix them.
You are an adult.
I am guessing you have a good job. (at least I hope you still have a good job)
Start saving your money.
Start looking and planning for a place of your own.
Move out when you can.
Your mom does not NEED you to care for her or to be with her. She may WANT it, may demand it but it sounds like she does not physically NEED you to be there. (at least there is noting in your profile that indicates that she needs to be cared for)
This will be a tough move for you and for her.
As is suggested so many times when someone is caring for someone else "we" say...You need to take care of yourself first.
Your emotional health is important. You know what your mom is like, what she went through not just with loosing her spouses but with her mom. You do not want to repeat the same thing.
I am sure your mom will try to make you feel guilty (only you can make yourself feel guilty) a therapist might help if that would be an option for you.
But you would probably be better emotionally if you were to prepare to move.
Unfortunately this is a tough time to try to do that.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Just because you aren’t married doesn’t mean you have to stay with your mother and listen to negative and mean comments from her. You’re an accomplished young woman at the beginning of what can be a very successful life. Please don’t let a bitter and lonely person, even if it’s your mother, hold you back from that life. Don’t be baited into conversations with her that will lead to rude comments. Don’t discuss your plans or feel any need to justify your choices. You’re an adult, you don’t owe others explanations for what you do. Make plans to move away and begin anew, putting that hard earned degree to work. I’ve had a negative drain in my life, limiting my time and interactions with that person is one of the best things I’ve ever done, for some people no matter what you do it’s never right or enough. I wish you well as you reclaim your life!
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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