Mom (93 dementia / Alzheimer's) is doing good as well as my Aunt (90), and now I have my Aunt's grandson living with us. Any suggestions?
Sorry I have not posted in a while but been busy. As some may know besides taking care of my Mom full time, I also help my Aunt (very little), and now her grandson (28 years old) moved in with us or he would have been homeless.
Grandson was abused (physically and verbally) by his Mom (my cousin), is level 1 autistic, very smart, but has been enabled by his grandmother (my Aunt) all these years. My cousin remarried and her husband kicked him out so he moved in with me.
For some reason I can't connect with him (I am pushing him to look for a job). He wants to work where he wants (not the few companies that are hiring) and I don't understand this and don't know what to say to him.
His mind works totally different then anyone I've ever met, perhaps due to his autism or because he is so very smart. He can build computers from scratch, built electric bicycles, etc.
I know he needs therapy for all he has gone through but at the same time I feel he has that "entitlement" attitude which rubs me the wrong way. Darn, I was 11 when I had a regular babysitting job, cleans motel rooms for $1.00 a room, earned extra money after school doing whatever I could find.
I'm trying to be supportive of him but I'm finding it difficult because I do not understand him.
Any suggestions?
Thanks, Jenna
10 Answers
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He did have one interview with a manager of a nearby supermarket a while ago (they never contacted him) and the manager said to Ralph (after reading his resume) that he was over-qualified. I don't know if he is or not. His expertise is in computers and I mentioned a couple of computer repair companies in town. I can only suggest and it's up to him.
We had a long talk last night and he explained to me that he would rather work a night shift because being around many people stresses him (could be the autism, I don't know). He told me stories that he would arrange parties back where he lived (when he was growing up) and he would take a friend(s) and disappear from his own party.
So he is trying. He is a big help with my Aunt (his grandmother) as he buys her food (she pays for that) and cooks it for her since she gets nervous using the stove. He also plays cards with my Mom when my Aunt doesn't as he adores my Mom.
It's just been a huge adjustment for me as originally it was just my Mom and myself and now we have 4 people living in the house.
Oh, Ralph related to me that when he gets a job he wants to contribute by giving me money for rent (I didn't ask him). I thought that was grown up.
So that's the update for now. I hope someone hires him.
Jenna
I can't blame you for that, because I'm sure he'd annoy the bejasus out of me too; but at the same time you can't explain that the young man has a formal diagnosis of autism and in the very next paragraph say "for some reason I can't connect with him."
He can't connect with you. It goes with the territory. Do not persist with your current approach unless you enjoy banging your head against a brick wall.
This, shamelessly pinched off the internet (health line), lays out the problem for you tidily:
"People with level 1 autism have noticeable issues with communication skills and socializing with others. They can usually have a conversation, but it might be difficult to maintain a back-and-forth banter.
Others at this level might find it hard to reach out and make new friends. According to the DSM-5, people who receive a diagnosis of level 1 autism require support.
Symptoms
decreased interest in social interactions or activities
difficulty initiating social interactions, such as talking to a person
ability to engage with a person but may struggle to maintain a give-and-take of a typical conversation
obvious signs of communication difficulty
trouble adapting to changes in routine or behavior
difficulty planning and organizing
Outlook
People with level 1 autism often maintain a high quality of life with little support. This support usually comes in the form of behavioral therapy or other types of therapy. Both of these approaches can help improve social and communication skills. Behavioral therapy can also help develop positive behaviors that might not come naturally."
Anyway; so on the job front do not expect him to grasp the concept of building up a track record by taking any job for now and gradually making his way. We know that's how the world works. He will think it is illogical and hypocritical and demeaning. You might get further explaining that the boring job is important because he needs the money: this will at least make sense to him, but don't expect him to like it.
So - where does he want to work, and what shape is his resume in?
Therapy will help, no doubt, especially CBT types which will give him exactly the kind of rules by which he can comfortably function. But do not, do NOT, fall for the tv or Hollywood dream whereby the difficult youngster forms a warm and close bond with his special mentor. Those emotions are absent. It isn't his fault, but don't imagine they're just hidden deep inside him and you can bring them out if only you try hard enough. His brain and his feelings work differently.
Give him clarity and security and that will be a good start.
I don't know if he has had a formal diagnosis of autism because my first cousin and her mother (my Aunt) kept their lives secret due to my cousin constantly abusing both her sons (Ralph is the one who moved in with us recently). Ralph told me himself he has level 1 ASD.
My Aunt would tell my Mom when the boys were little that my cousin was hitting them and my Mom and I would call child protective services all the time but nothing happened. I am still angry at my Aunt for not legally adopted her grandsons and kicking her daughter out.
But that part is in the past now. The damage is done and therapy would help if Ralph was willing to go (I don't think he is).
Now that he's back with his grandmother (my Aunt) he is living off of her as far as food, clothing, etc.
He had his own business when he lived with my Aunt doing multiple things where he made a lot of money. He wrote his resume (which I printed out for him) and he is over-qualified to work in a supermarket doing minimum wage jobs. He also worked for a small shop where the owner was friends with his mother. He told me that his mother ruined that job for him (again, I don't know the details and when I asked he couldn't tell me).
I think he needs to dumb down his resume if he really wants to work in a supermarket and the only way I know how to suggest this to him is to e-mail him youtube video's which I found that talk about this.
He never graduated H.S. because teachers would become suspicious and ask to talk to his mom and she would take him and his younger brother (who suffers from dissociative disorder from being abused) out of school.
My Aunt taught him to read and write. Ralph wants to go to school to get his GED. He also wants to get his driver's license. So if he does get a job I would drive him and pick him up which I don't mind as long as it's close.
I'm not going to try to communicate with him for a while because I can't. I have enough on my plate taking care of my Mom, I don't have any more energy to worry about Ralph. Yet I do care. Darn, why does my heart have to be so big?
I did tell Ralph yesterday that he must abide by my rules and he must get a job and if he doesn't like my rules then he can go live in a shelter. That was probably wrong of me to say that but I wanted to scare him which I did because afterward he asked me to drive him to different companies so he could talk to them about working. He was told the same thing by all the places we stopped which was he has to fill out the application online.
I'm very tired as I didn't sleep well last night.
Thanks for your input, Jenna
My nephew doesn't live with me because of the things you listed. Love him but can't live with him.
I know you have a lot on your plate but there should be an Autistic Assoc near you. I live in a small town and we have a Resourses for Independent Living group. Most of their clients are autistic. There is also a home a few miles away that is for Autistic adults. I was able to get State help because Nephew has Cerebal Palsy. Call your County Disabilities Dept. Ask if they can help you find help for him. There are group homes. In my area there is the ARC. They hire and help the disabled. Does he get SS disability? Medicaid? Does he get SSI? He maybe able to live on his own with just someone (not you) overseeing him. My nephews agency does this.
Do not get guardianship over him or allow ur Aunt. (Expensive anyway) Try to find him help thru state programs. They can work much faster. Explain that living with you is not permanent because you are already caring for 2 people. The best way for u to go is allow the state to get guardianship.
Don't allow ur Aunt to determine what happens. This man needs help he should have gotten a long time ago. He should have been in special classes having an IEP. Then upon graduation should have continued with some type of resource. Yes, his brain is wired differently. My nephew has no reasoning.
Ex: I told him I was going on vacation from the 5th to the 10th and would not be available on the 4th because I would be packing. I get a call on the 4th telling me he needed to go grocery shopping. Seems his SS ck came on the 3rd and since it was raining he didn't think I would go. (Usually I don't) I explained that I told u I was not doing anything on the 4th so we would have had to go the 3rd. I was livid. My DH took him. After I calmed down, it dawned on me, he could have taken the bus to shop. Buy just what he needed for the week and I could take him when I came back. By the way, he is 29 but his neurological problem effects his maturity so he is about 19.
Good luck and feel free to contact me privately if u need help. There is a way.
He isn't entitled to live off you, period. So it is okay to tell him to find an income and contribute or find a group home and get out.
He is a grown man and he gets defensive because he knows that he is taking advantage of your kindness. Makes me understand why the stepdad said vamoose.
You have enough on your plate without a 28 year old baby sucking off you. Time to stretch those comfort zones. Get a job or get a new address.
He is anti-social which I read is normal for people who are autistic. I asked him if he was to work with a large number of people how he would feel and he told me that would stress him.
I think it's a good idea for him to go to counseling as well as myself. I try to communicate with him and he gets defensive. I admit I am a bottom line person who can be very blunt.
Thanks for the ideas.
There's no excuse for being lazy, and there's no rational reason to enable laziness. He's lazy and entitled. Move forward. I agree that it's time for some tough love. And if he has a melt down, he needs professional help.
Check out Autism Speaks and get yourself the tools you need to be able to manage him. He's a project. I hope you're ready.
I agree there is no excuse for him being lazy and watching TV all day and/or playing video games.
I will check out Autism Speaks. Thanks!
What sort of training does he have? Are there supportive work programs near you? Few Autistic individuals can just "get a job". They need coaching. Reach out to you local disabilities office and find out what is available. Does he get SSDI?
All of his training has been self-taught. He can program any computer, build phones, do electrical work (again, self-taught). No, he does not get SSDI.
If he's on the spectrum, get him help through social services.
He is a 28 year old man, not a child. It must be a condition of his living with you that he works full time and contributes 30% of his income to wards rent and pays his portion of utilities and food.
It is a couple months before Christmas, almost every retailer is hiring and will hire those with no experience. He has no excuse.
Give him a firm deadline, I would make it today. He has to apply for three jobs a day from today until he gets a full time job, or the equivalent of full time over several part time jobs. If not he moves out and go on welfare and lives in a shelter.
Tough love is the way to go. I have used this ultimatum on my own son, who is younger than your nephew. Surprisingly he found a job. He did not like it too much, but that does not matter. He is working and contributing to the household.
If there are companies you nephew wants to work for, he needs to do the research to find out what skills he needs to have to worth there and look into gaining those skills, but still while working and contributing to the household.
Building a computer from scratch is not difficult, nor challenging. Not unless he is building circuit boards from scratch. All the components can purchased and easily assembled. My ex and sons have all built computers, without any prior experience, one was a water cooled super computer.
We live in the boondocks so even though there are companies there are not that many. Another problem is he doesn't drive (he knows how to drive but never got his license) so I would have to drive and pick him up which I don't mind if the company is not far away.
I am going to call the public transportation we have here and find out how far the bus will take him just in case I can't drive him.
As far as circuit boards, yes, he can build those from scratch.
Thanks!