How can I get my mother help and living on her own?


I just stumbled onto this site. My situation is very different than the average person and its complicated. My mother and I have always lived together. Growing up there was domestic violence in our home and after my parents divorce we moved around a lot. My sister, who had a baby and was unable to care for the child so at 20 me and my mom were raising my niece. At the same time I worked full time and worked toward getting an education. My sister moved in and out freely and finally moved back to California with my niece whose now in her 20's. My life has never been my own. Over 5 years ago, I began socializing and building a life for myself, I want to have my independence. And for the past 2 years I've wanted to move out on my own more than ever. She has resisted every step of the way. Excuse after excuse, she's now living in the apartment I chose for myself; I was hoping she'd get her own place. Last year she had some health issues that required surgery but she's doing better but still will not do anything for herself and she complains about everything. She has had depression for years and everything's negative with her and I resent her for it. Not to mention that she's verbally abusive. I rarely next to never have a friend over. There was a chance to get her into low income housing this past year and she literally turned it away. It was too late by the time I learned about it. She is going to be 76 in June and her social security is less than 900 a month. My sister and niece are no help, neither is extended family. I dealt with all my mother's health issues on my own and I continue to deal with the financial burden. I cant take it anymore, I've tried social services and reaching out to other aging organizations with no results. What I get in response from those agencies is that there's nothing they can do because she doesn't need daily assistance. I can no longer take it. The only thought I had is to give her a deadline and let her know I'm not renewing the rental lease with her on it. I don't know what else to do. I invite any help.

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It's time your mom lets you live your life on your own. She can move to low-income housing for seniors and get some assistance from Medicaid if she needs it. Please keep us posted - we'll root for you and your independence. You deserve your own life and happiness apart from your mom!
Helpful Answer (2)

Dear Papineau
No doubt it will be very frightening to your mom to live alone after all this time. It sounds like if you are ever going to make a break you should not put it off any longer. She’s young enough to be able to take care of herself.
Try to get her signed up for housing and make sure she understands you are sincere about your plans. See if you can find her a therapist, maybe even one that you can both go to. This could help you both prepare for the transition.
Even if you wind up back living together in the future, you deserve this chance at a life on your own. It’s not like she is happy now so it’s possible it could be better for her as well.
You did a good thing to help your sister and niece. Regardless of any reciprocation, it was a good thing. Try to be as good to yourself as you’ve been to the other women in your life. Good luck and come back and let us know how it’s going. We will cheer you on.
Helpful Answer (3)

You have a malingerer on your hands. Your mother could live on her own in low income housing and then, if she gets where she can’t do for herself anymore she’d already be on the radar to get Medicare to move into a facility for the elderly and infirm.
Helpful Answer (2)

I think you know exactly what to do: "give her a deadline and let her know I'm not renewing the rental lease with her on it". Yep, that's it.
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