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I have 2 stepchildren 45 and 55 years old. Their mother did a good job of brainwashing them into thinking their father never gave them enough. My husband was a full time pastor all his life. Daughter, also a minister hasn't spoken to his father in 12 years because we wouldnt give her family piano. Son wasn't around for years until found out his father has Alzheimer's. My husband has sessions of terror thinking something happened to children. I called his son last night. Who immediately attacked me saying to put his father in nursing home. Stupid enough to think Medicare pays for it. I want to just pretend they don't exist. I know only reason son in contact at all is he thinks hes 'going to get what I have. Will never happen. I feel guilty. How can I help my husband understand or just steer him away from these 2 ungrateful brats. My husband is afraid to be alone with his son so I haved to stay when he visits on the rare occasions he does. For two weeks my husband has been crying for his daughter who literally will have nothing to do with us. Thankfully he doesn't remember grandchildren, he hasn't been allowed to see. It's always been about money with them. We were bad people when couldn't afford to give them everything they wanted. My husband was abused physically and mentally by first wife,


Now I'm suffering for it. Please help

FAMILY DYNAMICS, aren't they fun? ALZ isn't much fun either. now he is fixated on his kids. If kids are so much as to saying put him in nursing home, there is a rift in the father/children relationship somewhere. Perhaps divert hubby when he talks about them, or tell him the both of you can try calling next week to say hello.
Not much you can do if kids don't want to reach out and say hello. It's sad, I have friends who had similar issues..
Or as another posted keep a safe distance when they do come out to visit, but stay close enough to hubby. If you have any photos, show them to hubby, and say do you remember where this picture was taken? Go through your old photos of the two of you together, and see what he remembers..
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Bjwalters,

No easy answer here. You should be able to call your stepchildren and say that their father needs them. Unfortunately, not that simple. I wish there was something I could say to help. All I can say is I am sorry because I am sure he is concerned about his kids. You obviously love your husband and want him to be at peace. I hope it works out.
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CM, just thinking out loud I guess.

Too bad families can’t patch up messes before dying but it doesn’t always work that way.
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None of us have perfect families. That’s for sure.
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Tacy,

A nightmare, huh? Geeeeez!
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There is more here... in why the daughter is having nothing to do with her dad. She is a minister. I doubt this is over piano lessons.  Make up some story for your husband. He is probably worried about his children - thinking they are young children.
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tacy022 Mar 19, 2019
I was thinking the same thing about a "family piano." Our family had the issue with some rifles and muskets from the Revolutionary War and wife 2 thought she was entitled to family heirlooms. It didnt work out so well for her.
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Everyone here has different life experiences which they draw their experiences on. So, have you ever thought it is you they do not want to deal with?

The funny thing about second wives is they think they know what happened and the mom turned the kids away but they mostly get a warped one sided view of the situation. I speak from experience here, it took until my father's fourth wife to actually listen and realize he made choices which damaged relationships and it had nothing to do with my mom manipulating.

Also, the daughter is a minister. Depending on the faith, you and your marriage may not be accepted or recognized.

If I were in your situation and there is an impartial relative or friend that could reach out with his request, I would go that route. Make yourself scarce during the interaction.
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Bjwalters Mar 20, 2019
The painting happened 12 years ag o she was in her 30s in my house not her mother's. She became a Presbyterian minister a few years later my husband has been a Presbyterian minister for over 55 years. Shefelt entitled. Was told no so refused to allow us to see grandchildren though granddaughter very close go us prior to that which was one of problems. Her mother didn't want me around. Jealousy? Who knows and before you comment I met my husband 3 years after she walked out on him
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I doubt your husband is crying over his adult children. It could be when they were little. My daughter was caring for my Dad. He was being stubborn so she told him it was Renee. He looked at her and told her she was not Renee, Renee was a little girl. So try to find out where he is time wise. Then you can say they are at school, playing outside, etc. I really don't think them seeing him will make a difference. He will forget it anyway. His mind is just jumping around. Just tell him they are ok.

Hopefully your will says what is husbands is yours. Children usually don't get mentioned in a will when there's a wife. Maybe it might say, upon my wifes death, so and so will go to my son/daughter. I love it that children feel entitled. That they deserve what parents worked for. If I had kids like that they would be left nothing.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 19, 2019
JoAnn, it depends.

A family friend of ours was on the outs with her son and stated in her will that everything be left to her grandchild (her son’s daughter). The son was completely cut out.
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Tell him you're sure they'll be in touch after work/when they're back from overseas/in the morning/whatever.

I honestly wouldn't try the impersonation thing - too many ways for it to go horribly wrong, for one thing, and become terrifyingly confusing for him; but even more to the point he'll be asking for the kids again twenty minutes later.

I am very sorry for his suffering and for your having to witness it.
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Find someone that you can have call him and represent themselves as the daughter and son. People you can call and say your dad needs to talk to you.

This would be the kindest way to comfort your husband, I would never call either of them again, regardless if your husband wants to talk to them or not. You can say you left a message and he will call back, but leave a message at the local grocery store.

I know my inlaws will try to take everything that my husband and I have, they are in for a surprise but that doesn't mean it won't be excruciating to go through.

Find those 2 lovely people and help him say goodbye to his kids.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 19, 2019
Interesting idea. Think he would fall for that? Wouldn’t he know it’s not their voice?
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There's nothing you can or should do to deal with these two 'brats'. They have shown their true colors in the past and altho we always hope people can change for the better, the usually don't.

Daughter is a MINISTER? What a stellar example she must be for her "flock".

If you need help in "divorcing" these two--seek counseling with that in mind.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 19, 2019
MidKid,

Yep, all over a stinkin piano too! Crazy, huh?
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Some issues can’t be resolved. It may be possible to resolve but due to circumstances they usually aren’t worked out. Sad but true. All families have situations. They feel like they do for their own reasons and you have your reasons. It’s hard for everyone.

All I can say is to concentrate on your husband. He needs you. If he is a pastor, then you and he have to place this in God’s hands.

If talking hasn’t settled things and 12 years have gone by, let it go. If the son only has limited contact then that is all it will be. Why is your husband afraid of his son?
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