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My husband has early onset Dementia frontal lobe. He wanted to see his mother by SKYPE but she refuses saying she’s not ready to see him as she doesn’t want to be upset by looking at him. She also blames me for his condition and my husbands family will not talk to me. I am persona non grata. They make enquires through her eldest son who speaks to my son


She has always been manipulative and very rude to me. She has three sons and has always considered herself to be more important in their lives than all three DILs.


Now my son ( who we live with) and his wife want to save money by staying in a holiday unit in the same complex as my MIL


WANT TO KNOW IF I AM OK WITH THAT


Say we might have lunch with her just once you know, just to be polite


No. I am not OK with that She won’t look upon her own son or speak to his wife BUT you want to know am I cool with that?


Truly hurt and angered by this and see it as a betrayal to his father all so they can save some money


Any advice

MILs...I always said I guess you can't have a good Mom and MIL too. Well, for me to. My MIL put on a good show when DH and I were going together but after the wedding...Oh she still put on a good face in front of DH but behind his back she was telling the "Aunts" all kind of lies. TG one of them wss my GFs Mom so she knew better. Problem really was, that my MIL had a mental problem where she lied and believed her lies. She lied so she could get out of something she didn't want to do or that she had done wrong and lied out of it. She refused more than once to babysit her granddaughter. That's OK, but she told the "Aunts" that I personally would not allow her to have my daughter. My DH turned the tables on her when my FIL (loved that man) asked when they could have Meg for an afternoon. DH said, right now if you want. MIL piped up, "We have dinner tonight with friends". Inlaws moved to Fla not long after that when Meg was 4. We saw her maybe every year or two. They were now 2 days away and I had 2 in school. Then when MIL did see the girls, she wondered why they didn't seem loving towards her. I never talked about my MIL around my girls. My DH doesn't even know some of the stuff she pulled. My girls had her summed up from an early age. The "loving grandma" was just for show.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 12, 2019
That is key, JoAnn

Some people actually believe their own BS! No one else does, but they do. I used to let abusive people bother me a lot. In time I developed a thicker skin because as people say, “Consider the source!”
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Ah, so son would actually be seeing Nice Aunt, and staying in one of her apartments. If MIL is somehow encountered, it would be on the periphery, and not necessarily at all. I’m tempering my previous statement then, in the hopes that Son would actually get to spend some time with Nice Aunt who is well aware of the family dynamics. It might be good for son to see and maintain a healthy relationship with Nice Aunt and Good Cousins, and learn how to keep MIL at a distance, right?
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Panda, what's wrong with their getting a cheap holiday? If that's what it's all about, then, fine...?

As for MIL: you have to let your son and your DIL come to their own conclusions, you know. The woman is your son's grandmother. You might think all kinds of colourful and unpublishable things about about her, and you might well be right, but the boy has every right to find this out for himself.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 12, 2019
Yeah, people will eventually find things out for themselves. Sometimes it’s the best way for them to find out. Best part is you don’t have to say a thing! Oh, it’s always nice not to say, “I told you so!” Who really likes hearing that? Even if they do deserve it!
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Panda,

You certainly know your son and DIL better than we do. I hope it all works out. Every family has skeletons in the closet. No one has a perfect family. I’m sure you are disappointed in the whole situation.

Your MIL is being ridiculous by blaming you for things that are no one’s fault. Karma! It all comes out in the wash, so to speak. What goes around comes around. Never know what will happen in the days ahead.

I’m sorry you’re hurt by all of this.
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Panda,

Do you know the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

This lady is obviously a sicko with multiple personality disorders, you should be thankful that you have never been on her radar, she would have sucked your life force. Please don't play her stupid b!+@# games. Tell your son that you hope he has a great holiday and remember, we don't care to her about gma, so have respect for us and no talking out of school.

I know that you are terribly hurt and feeling very betrayed, I know I would want my son to side with me 100% and have nothing to do with the old bag, but it is his gma and he must be allowed to make his own mistakes. You will show that you are the bigger person by just letting go and leaving it alone.

My inlaws are always talking crap about me and when people tell me, or try to, I smile and say, as long as they're talking about me and not to me it's all good, cuz if I wanted to hear from a butwhole, i would fart. That always gets a change of subject pronto.

Try to find any way you can to just put her in a compartment and ignore her ugly hateful behavior, she'll regret it one day, when she is old and feeble and in need she will be alone because of her craziness.

Hugs to you, you can rise above this and even find a good laugh, you just gotta work at it.
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Pandabear Mar 11, 2019
Just had one. Thanks. Also I think her behaviours are what fuels her longevity. She is 91. My own mother always said the wicked live long
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So you say your son never liked grandma, and the feeling was mutual. And he admits he’s only going to stay there because it’s cheap, and he may take her to lunch or something out of obligation. Why a unit in her same complex is cheaper, I don’t quite understand. Is he going to stay with her for free? Or is her complex just cheap, compared to other places he could rent? Anywho, he’s basically just using her to get a cheap vacation? Is that really it? So he doesn’t care about seeing her, and he doesn’t care how you feel either. So I’m not very impressed with him. And if I’m getting the gist of this correct, I’d be pretty disappointed in him too. Is money that important to him? I’d ask him.
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Pandabear Mar 11, 2019
I’m not impressed with him or DIL. Thought I brought him up better than this. Should explain that husband’s aunt owns the whole 13th floor. Has a penthouse and three small apartments. It would really be up to her in the end. The aunt and cousins are all very nice and the aunt has been very helpful to my husband and I during a tough financial time. It’s a secret between her and me as the MIL would go ballistic if she knew. She is also the only one who has shown any interest in my husbands Dementia and my well being. MIL and her are sisters-in-law
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This is a situation out of convenience. That’s it. Just to save money. It is not a slam against you or your husband. I wouldn’t like her as a MIL either if I were you but try for your son and DIL to separate it from your relationship with him.

Tell your son and DIL to have a great time on their vacation. Don’t place a guilt trip on them. She is his grandmother and just maybe she will see something new through his eyes. I could be dead wrong but regardless I wouldn’t stand in the way of my son saving money or seeing his grandmother.

Kind of like when parents divorce. I admire parents who are committed to raising children with no guilt or animosity towards the other parent.
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Pandabear Mar 11, 2019
Good advice in theory but my son could not care less about her. DIL just wants free accommodation at a top holiday spot
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Panda;

You confused me when you said that you were staying with your son and DIL. YOU are housing them, it seems, which puts a different light on things.

But the fact that no one would give them a mortgage suggests that they have financial difficulties, yes? So one would expect that they are trying to get by.

Never mix family and money is a very old saying.
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Pandabear Mar 11, 2019
It is extremely hard to get a mortgage here in Australia Banks just not interested they both have good jobs. I needed help with my husband
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I am confused.

Did you and son plan a vacation together? If so, I can understand you not staying in the same complex. It is a separate unit from MIL son is not expecting you to stay in her unit?

If he is truly trying to save money I wouldn't be mad. But if he is doing it to try to get you together with her, than I would be upset since he is aware of the animosity. I would not appreciate his uncle asking your son about how things are going with your husband. If husband's brother wants to know he can call your husband. I would ask ur son to discontinue being the go between.

If ur son and wife are going alone, then let them stay where they want. If it was a family trip, say you are not OK with it and will not be staying near MIL. Explain that this is a vacation and seeing her would ruin it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I think....it all comes down to this. He’s an adult. He’s taking a vacation and paying for it. What he does and where he stays is his business. You shouldn’t worry about it. Seriously. Life is too short to let something like this affect you.
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Reply to worriedinCali
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Panda;
They are staying in the same complex where she lives, not WITH her, right?

And your son and DIL are housing you and DH right now?

Your MIL is clearly f--king crazy, you know that, right?

Nevertheless, your son would like to visit with his grandmother. And maybe intercede on your behalf…..?

It seems to me that you are expecting an awful lot, while living with your son and DIL, for them to pay extra when they can get a less dear apartment in Gma's complex (not staying WITH her) and paying her a call.

You expect your son to take umbrage at his gma's refusal to see his dad, which is clearly based not on fact, but on insanity.

I think you are asking an awful lot of your son and DIL. My opinion only.
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Pandabear Mar 11, 2019
my husband and I paid for half this house. We bought a house together we are housing them. No one would give them a mortgage

i yes my son should show more respect towards his father. Her refusal to look at her son caused a great lot of confusion for my husband and she knew it
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Using your Mil to save themselves some money, that is really low, dysfunctional at best. I am sure you brought him up better than that.
Does your son even have a relationship now with her?

Are they using you also?
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Pandabear Mar 11, 2019
He has never liked her even as a child. She focused all her time on her grand daughters. I am sure I too have been used but my choices were limited.
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So, this would be your adult son and his wife (not you) staying with your MIL while they are on a holiday trip, so they can save money on the trip? First off, I'd be very concerned about your MIL's mental state. Who would have such a belief that you caused her son's dementia if they were thinking clearly. I'd question what is wrong with her. A reasonable person knows that is not possible. And, how to you know the rest of the family believes that too? Did she tell you? I'd question if that is true. Maybe, she lied to them or you. And, if his family is that deluded, I'd be glad they were not around. Sounds unhealthy.

If MIL and that side of family is that deluded, then perhaps your son seeing it up close may afford him the REAL picture. I know it might hurt, but, I think I'd likely tell son to stay where he can afford. This free visit could end up being more of pain that he bargained for, if you know what I mean. Perhaps, he will see up close what is wrong with her. He has to know that her beliefs are baseless and hurtful. I hope he thinks of things to say if she tries to convince him.
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Pandabear Mar 11, 2019
My real problem with the situation is her refusal to look at her own son. Will speak on phone but as usual has made this about her. Her pain. Her feelings My own son sees no problem with this treatment of his father when it comes to a cheap holiday.
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Why would your MIL be upset by looking at her own son? Why would any person of any reasonable mind blame someone else for dementia, a disease with no known cause or cure?

Who cares what MIL's dysfunctional hang ups are. Do you have money to spend on your own personal holiday accommodations? If yes, than plan your own accommodations. If no, then I suppose you don't have a choice but to go along with what son wants to do.
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rocketjcat Mar 11, 2019
Not sure that Pandabear and DH were invited along for this holiday. Sounds like it’s a getaway for son and DIL?
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Your son is an adult. Allow him to get to really know his grandmother up close and personal. She is a narcissist?
It feels like hurt to me, and I am sorry you are experiencing this painful rejection of you and your hubs. Pandabear, can you be like Switzerland on this one?

Detach with love?
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Pandabear Mar 11, 2019
He know what she is like doesn’t care much for her at all. It’s just about cheap accommodation
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