How can I break away from an emotionally dependent parent?

If I could go back in time, I would have had myself appointed guardian, I am in Canada, so I do not know if you have something similar, when someone is incompetent to make decisions and such. I would have sold the house and moved him into a smaller easier to handle abode, if he is adamat about living in his own dwelling, I might find a very safe one story place and with the proceeds of the original house sale, would have some services come to the home daily to take care of his needs so that YOU do not have to do it all.
He would protest, I am sure but the choices have to be made clear, and in writing or much like in that movie 50 Dates, that would repeat the choices to him so that he can't say "he don't remember" what you said or planned. Seriously, drunks are everywhere, and the worst thing any human, bad or good could go through is solitary confinement. Choices or not, you can't expect that an old man is going to have to fall one more time before he is presented with his final choices, good or bad. He has no choice if you took over and set it up so that he was watched via camera for security, letting him know you know he is safe, and also, having other people outside of the family come to help him, to alleviate your burden.

Hi, sorry to hear about this experience. If I could have gone back in time I would have me appointed Guardian, and thus him incompetent. This will hurt, but at a bird's eye view, seems very humane, as he might end up hurting himself alone in that house. I would have the house sold and the proceeds to it go to a new one story place with services, like a residence that has other seniors in it but with their own private home within the home, if they have them there, or near to you, you would be actually helping him and not having your life force eaten away in the process. Yes, he is lonely, he has no social skills, obviously, yes he is depending on alcohol to wile away the hours until his death, probably depressed. He is going to try to get into your life more and more as he may not have any social skills and is probably aware he has no way of making friends at this stage, his dependence on booze, according to Gabor Mate and addiction talks he has on YouTube, seem to be a cry for a lot of hugs and reassurance.....I don't see him improving social skills unless he is signed up for some kind of a program where intergenerational contact is part of a program, like, with little children (some senior homes near a daycare for example, who are collaborating and having weekly visits) or home visits with a pet, so that he has some kind of companionship for some days of the week outside of family. There is a Meal on Wheels service we have here, where they visit seniors who live alone and spend lunch with them bringing them food for a small fee. As again, he owns a home, selling it would give him the resources that can be used for caregivers who would come in and take care of him for a few hours a day. Every day, and then you could visit him once or twice a week when you are relaxed and in the mood to help out. I would however get cameras set up in his unit or new home.... so that you keep everyone honest. I personally have trust issues when it comes to hired caregivers coming into your home. That's just me though.

Annabox, just read through your story plus much excellent advice you’ve been given here. It’s always surprising to see how many have walked a similar path, and they care enough to be here practically begging you to be bold enough to change your life and quit being sucked down with this mess. You have to know your dad isn’t changing, I really hope you will

Dear Annabox,
My father was a raging alcohol almost his entire adult life. He died the day after Christmas 1996, suffering from alcoholism and other related medical issues. He was a Policeman for 30yrs, suspended three times, the guys would put him in the back seat and drive him around for his entire tour of duty. Yet he was decorated three times over the years for heroism saving other citizens lives. He was not willing to do anything to treat his alcoholism. He was also abetted by my stepmother who insisted beer and wine were not alcohol. He made the decision not to do anything to save his own life.
I learned at a very young age from my RN mother that he had to make an effort to save himself. I was also taught that yes, we could pray for him, yes occasionally visit him. The number of times he promised to meet us at the park and watch us ice skate, come to see us play in Little League were innumberable. His final suspension came two days before my high school graduation. Dad didn't show up again. I decided to give him a wide berth and limited the time I visited with him and allowed my children to visit with him. I would call him only two or three times a year, usually he'd be full in the bag and raging. Fortunately for me there was 400 miles separating us.
I encourage you to take the tough love position. He wants to behave like a child, remember he is not your child. Focus on your own husband and children. Give them all the love and attention they need. Let them know when they are old enough to understand, the genetic component of alcoholism and how it could effect them. How it has affected you.
Most importantly, make plans for your senior years. Talk to your children about how you want to be cared for, appoint a DPOA, prepare Medical Directives, Wills, or form a Trust for your property to be distributed from. This will save
a lot of trouble for your children.
We have made all of these plans for my DW and I. I was diagnosed with early onset Dementia/Prob ALZ 2 1/2 years ago. Now, my DW and I are enjoying our lives to the fullest with little to worry about the future. We've made the plans.
Please, I know it is hard, but you and your DH deserve to focus on yourselves and your children. Time is short, don't continue to allow yourselves to be captive, to someone who won't help themselves. Pray for your Dad, I still pray for mine, 22yrs after his death, that is something big you can do, on your own time. I will pray for you and your family's emotional and physical help.

Final comment. We've always told our children, we are your father and mother not your friend. We should all have our own friends and spouses, parents can't be both. They will thank you later. Our adult children have said thank you to us for making that distinction.
God Bless you all.

Wow, we have a lot of elders out there abusing alcohol! I thought my situation was unique. When I try to explain it to people they don't have a clue. I don't know anyone personally who's parents are like mine!

DO NOT give up your life.  Your dad made his bed and will now have to lie in it.  You can assist but do not let yourself be manipulated.  It will be hard but you will need to learn to say no, mean it and take care of yourself.  Or you will continue to be more resentful, full of rage, with high blood pressure and a host of other ailments.  These older folks can hang on forever - look now into assisted living or a healthcare worker to help bathe, cook, clean and whatever else he needs.  He needs to look into selling his house and getting into a senior living environment.  Good luck!

Annabox, when you start going to Al-Anon you will learn that alcoholics are wonderful manipulators and your dad knows how to push your buttons. Al-Anon is a wonderful way to help you and you'll learn to recognize the manipulations. Good luck.

Anna, How is he getting the alcohol to drink? If you are providing it, you can stop. Blame your morals or your conscience. "I can't enable you to destroy yourself anymore" works fine.

Let him fail. You can talk to him and visit/go less and get just as much cooperation out of him. Make him earn your time by putting in exercise and effort. If he won't play by nice person rules, then he can play by himself. My mthr chose to not speak to me instead of treating me as nice as she did strangers at Walmart, and it was to my benefit those 8 years. We did rescue her once she hit true bottom and Adult Protective Services called us. Set your boundaries to protect you and your family and respect those more than you respect the booze talking.

Oh boy this sounds familiar!!! (Except my dad never wanted to go anywhere- still doesn’t) up until 4 months ago, my dad was slowly cognitively declining, driving illegally without a license, drinking HEAVILY 7 days a week and was drunk every night, smoking over a pack a day, not eating, making strange purchases at hardware stores for crap he didn’t need (hundreds per week), buying scratch off tickets to the tune of $100 a day! Well, he had fallen a few times and hit his head, then had fluid build up on his brain... which left him with something called “normal pressure hydrocephalus”. Basically, he has a change in gait, dementia symptoms, and urinary incontinence as a result of the fall. He shuffles along, not lifting his feet, but darn-it he was NOT gonna change his ways or listen to anybody, including doctors, because he was “fine” and everybody else could just go to HE*L. So, we just waited for the BIG one. The BIG fall. The one that would land him in the hospital.
It only took 10 days after he got back to his house of 52 years to drink himself into a falling-down drunk. He fell in the bathroom and got wedged under the toilet tank- it took 2 firefighters to get him out. He couldn’t stand or walk. Hospital kept him 2 weeks! He started withdrawal from alcohol after 2.5 days- took him 3 full days to detox with medical supervision. He was angry the whole time. They put him on ridpiridone,,, aricept... and said he can’t live alone without someone monitoring him. Presto! Problem solved!
i hate to say it but sometimes it takes a near tragedy to shake some sense into what we see as the obvious.
Let dad live his life until the inevitable fall.... and subsequent hospital stay....THEN you can share all your concerns with the doctors! Then you implement the solution that works best for your sanity, and you can blame it on “doctors orders!” I wish you well!

He could live for decades still. Can you? If he still has cognition, perhaps you should set limits and if he is not willing you have to establish your own life. If he cannot live by himself, there are assisted living facilities. Things have to change and you must become that change agent. Perhaps he has depression issues, and that is said to be treatable--have a talk with his doctor. Then again alcohol with psych drugs can be lethal--so you need to talk about his alcoholism. The decision is also yours and not just his. The older they get, the worse they become. Eventually you will have to change his diapers and clean up his feces because he can't control his bowels, and you will have to bathe him. It sounds like he's headed straight to that now. Just my opinion.

Annabox, first get to an al anon meeting as fast as you can. Today! Look online for a meeting near you. You are being used by a parent who only thinks only about himself and has little regard for you or your family. Once you understand his disease, alcoholism, you’ll be able to make better choices concerning your involvement in his life.

Alcoholism is cruel master...Yet there is a solution.  I went to AA in June 1986 because I could not continue drinking and also function even "somewhat" normally...It changed my life.  

The solution is that he can choose to go to AA and join the thousands who have, with God's and one anothers' help and encouragement, faced their reality and "hit bottom" and stopped drinking one day at a time...

There is also an organization called Al-Anon which is for loved ones of Alcoholics.  There are no dues or fees....Loved ones often suffer as much or more than the alcoholic.. I urge you to consider going...You will be made welcome immediately.   You will find them in most every town of any size...My own town of 75,000 has seven or eight meetings at various places each week...  You will be amazed at how these folks have learned to cope with their loved ones alcohol problems.

Meanwhile, I also urge you to find the courage to tell him you are only going to visit him (choose your number) times a week unless he stops drinking.  Offer to take him to an AA meeting.  If he says he is not an alcoholic, or that he can quit anytime he wants to,  but does not want to, or that he likes to drink, or that if anyone was in his situation they would drink too, or tat he "isn't as bad" as many others, or will switch to just beer, tell him to have it his way, and just do not see him so often....Do not attempt to say  "You are an alcolholic" or argue with him about it...      No one but the problem drinker can stop the drinking.....It cannot be done.  You must stop letting him lean on you so long as he is boozing.  I wish you well....

Grace + peace,
Bob, a recovered alcoholic                                                                                       



I

All I can say, I’ll try to make it short and simple. Do the very best you can given your circumstances and experiences. Hopefully you have a life preserver for yourself.

I have a young cousin whom I used to adore that became an alcoholic.

He, too, is very lonely. He has alienated almost everyone but me. I am the only person who will talk to him at this point. Even his parents will not return his calls.

When, He calls I talk to him, but I do not allow him to manipulate me. I limit the conversations to a half hour. If I have somewhere to be, I end the conversation sooner, but always pleasantly.

If a doctor will say that your father is housebound, due to physical and mental disabilities, you may be able to have a CNA come in Several times per week, during the day.

Then, perhaps, he will not be so lonely.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. This is what my siblings and I learned after dealing with our Dad for 60+ years:
1. Alcohol abuse teaches a person to lie, manipulate, and know how to get what they want by any means necessary.
2. Alcohol abuse causes brain damage, or other medical problems that cause brain damage. After every surgical procedure, Dad got a little worse with memory, self-care and anger.
3. Assisted living will not work because they are not prisoners and can run amuck.
4. We could not make him do anything because even with a DPOA, a person has to be deemed incompetent before you can make them do anything.
5. You have to let him fail. All of us siblings agreed that we would put severe limits on our aid and assistance because he refused any outside services. He would not even let us clean, wash his clothes, or help him with medications.
All he wanted was to be able to call us anytime day or night and demand we take him to the store or bank, which was an opportunity for him to buy stuff to hoard and buy booze. He was shoplifting items in the store, and buying cases of pet food on sale. He does not have a pet.
So we said once every two weeks someone would take him to the bank or store. He refused to use the senior shuttle system, giving a variety of complaints.
So he did fail, after tons of drama, extra efforts at manipulation, and lots of verbal abuse. We knew he had brain damage, but there was really nothing we could do.
He got the evaluation during a hospital stay where all us siblings refused to take him home. I was able to get him transferred to a skilled nursing home. And apply for Medicaid, and my brother got guardianship of person. So Dad is now safe, clean, and we are able to breathe.
6. This is a long process, be strong. You owe yourself not him.
Everything about it is sad. Especially
since there is no hope that he will ever be anything other than what he is. He is not able to give you anything emotionally.
Save yourself. You can without giving up your heart and soul.

Hello...
Anna....
forst thing you must know
is you are not alone in this fight..: I have had to deal with pretty much the same issues but with my mother... Who has become a recluse , can walk but won’t duento laziness and an addiction to sympathy she gets from my other siblings... I refuse to give her sympathy and enable her to stay in the toxic situAtii. She has lit herself in...
Her doctor told her she has not reason to be in a wheelchair and that all she needs is PH and small sessions of walking !!! and she refused..: she also has to be almost dead
beforw she’ll go to the doctors and refuses to take the medication she is supposed to be on for her heart and diabetes but refuses to take them.. in return she’s become a nasty over bearing , rude person and I finally after research, prayer, and taking to my church family had to remove myself from her toxic attitude and love her from afar.... Now I only talk to her over the phone If she’s nice and doesn’t start gossiping about my family members whom she has torn apart from lies she tells to keep people on her side and feeling sorry for her.. she’s got serious mental issues and I refuse to allow her or anyone disrespect me , verbally abuse me, use me for my kindness then tell
lies behind my back..
so you see sister you are not alone .. The advice I can give you is to either find some care givers for him to do what you try to do .... seek some counseling with others who are struggling with parental abuse , reach out to some senior care places and ask questions... because YOU need to take care of you first.. if you allow yourself to get abused and stressed out eventually you will get sick !!!
I don’t know your beliefs but I know that prayer works and God listens and always brings peace to those who abide in Him ... But if you don’t know or believe in God you can always try taking some massage sessions , meditation ( peaceful quiet
ness) or find really good friends that you knownyoy can open up to and let all your burdens go...
Jesus is that friend for me and he taught me my
worth and that I matter and that it’s okay to walk away from toxic abusive people..
I hope you can find peace and the courage to do what you have to do and not allow guilt to step in...
I will be praying for you !!!
take care & peace
be with you.. 😇

I identify with your situation and empathize with you. In my case, after my mom died I was taking my dad out with me during days to make home health calls, taking him to lunch regularly at his favorite restaurant then my spouse and I and our child watching his favorite movies with him every night, for YEARS thinking he was on the brink of death and could die of lonliness missing my mom. (he began dreaming of younger women instead but thats another story). I arranged visitors, trips to senior center which he eventually refused, etc. When my health (mental and physical) started to decline we had to back off and give him time alone. Like my husband says, he is in his own home in his own easy chair with everything provided for him, some lonliness is his cross to bear now. No one visits unless I set it up, and my siblings bowed out years ago. I continue to show my dad we love him by helping every day with the basics but within limits, and he was angry at me and remains angry to this day while on hospice. He even threatened to cut me out of his will and invite a drug addicted relative to come live with him. I can't say how much is the dementia and how much is his predictable personality traits, probably the same traits that drove my sibs away but I care too much about him to drop out of his life for good. But I can no longer try to be his pal, keep him company and make his life entertaining. Sometimes letting an elderly loved one experience (some self-imposed, some naturally because of age and circumstance) lonliness really is their own cross to bear and not our responsibility at all.

Im in the same boat@ I try not to enable my mom, but I'm afraid I do. Dad passed away 6 years ago, but even before that they had no friends.
Mom had a full knee replacement 2 years ago. But still concentrate on the pain. Doesn't try to help herself, or even try to join the local senior center! The other day she asked me to swipe her cr card at the store! I had to remind her she could do it! I hate that I do this, and I feel I get short with her more often than not these days. Want to mention that I go visit her 3-4 days a week after a full day of work, and on most sundays. And I feel feel guilty if I don't, but I have a family, and need some me time too!

I feel your pain. My dad is 88, always drank much, and lost my mom early 2017. Taking care of my mom was too hard on him, and caring/losing her brought him to the bottom of the well. He is stuck there...very strong willed, and mild to moderate dementia that gives him no insight so I am unable to reason with him. He lives independantly, wears a Life Alert sporadically. I keep him loaded up with everything he needs. He calls ‘dial a bottle’ to supply his alcohol, has one occasional friend in, and fixates on the same irritants to us. I have learned much from this site in the following ways:
*Shorter time with your LO
*do not engage in his fixations/danger subjects by emphasizing and redirecting him
*walking out of the room (or leaving) if he continues his negativity.
*making your own life a priority, taking time outs are imperative to both of you.
*daytime visits/time with your LO is best, nights are not good cuz the drinking adds up over the course of the day.

i attended ANON once - and the main theme I got was that I was to not be an enabler, and to put myself ahead of him at all cost, and take medication for anxiety. I attend Dementia seminars in my area and they are the opposite- they say his brain is not well, he may not realize the amount he drinks, and it’s not his fault.

So at the end of the day, you do the best you can, and rely on those around you (family & friends) to be good listeners...cuz their advise won’t be that good. Why? Because they are not living on the inside - they will never be able to advise you like this site - they don’t really understand - they are not in the middle of it.

I am not strong enough yet to take the bull by the horns and force my dad into assisted living. To do that I would have to stop caring for him cuz he won’t go willingly. Right now I am enabling him to continue on this path because of my weakness. As Jann Arden said ‘I love my dad but I don’t like him’. To explain...my love runs deep, but my dad has always been negative and condescending... now he uses these as his vice in life. The alcohol makes it worse. He won’t have help in, he won’t do exercise to keep his muscles moving, he does not like going out (blames it all on the doctors taking his license away); and is hard of hearing and cannot manage his hearing aid. And he falls and hurts himself on average once a month or two.

I love the visits that do go well. He tells me he appreciates me and does not know what he would do without me. He does care about me, Those visits are better ... I don’t engage him or manage to redirect him. It’s hard to do, it’s takes practice and determination.

Good luck. Be strong. Talk time for yourself. Be healthy.

So many people being sucked dry by selfish elders. My sweet father used to say that invalids don't die. They kill everyone around them. To be clear, he was talking about self-made invalids. Those who refuse to take responsibility for their own lives.

I feel compelled to answer your question. You cannot fix him. You cannot change him. You can only set limits for what is reasonable for you. Figure that out and then cut it in half. Get therapy if you can't say no to him. It only gets harder. 18 years ago.....Yes eighteen....my father died leaving behind my mother at 75. Other than the alcohol, she was much like your father. It will only get harder as you develop habits. My mother is now 93. I have been through the wringer with her and every bit of my freedom has been hard won. I wish I knew then what I know now. Please don't destroy your own life trying to fix a person who won't help himself. Your compassion is commendable. Spare some compassion for yourself.

I am an only child, also 51. My parents had the wealth and health to retire on the younger side and they moved down the street from me 14 years ago. What they chose to do was sit in the house and drink and bicker with each other. At first I tried so hard to change their ways but after a few years of tying myself in knots I realized they were choosing this path. Dad had to be placed in a dementia care home last year at the age of 78. Mom is now 76 and unfortunately insists on staying in that house, yep, right down the street. It is horrible. She has lived in this town since 1976 and knows NO ONE, has no friends, no outlets, whatever. I AM IT. She drinks all day, falls regularly. She can be extremely nasty - both in private to me and also in public. I also feel like I have been given a life sentence. Her own mother lived to the age of 97. The thought of my mother sucking the life out of me for another 20+/- years scares the crap out of me. Everyone says she will not likely live that long because of her self-neglect but you never know. Also, I am responsible for the oversight of my dad's care because my mom has totally rejected him and wants nothing to do with his care. Oh, and they've been married since 1964 - a nice way to treat your spouse, huh?? I repeat to myself daily: "MY PARENTS PROBLEMS ARE MANY YEARS IN THE MAKING, AND THEY ARE BIGGER THAN I CAN SOLVE".

If your dad was in the military he would qualify for “ aid and attendance”. If not, contact a local social security office to put you in contact with a social worker who can meet with you and discuss options. Whatever you do, don’t let him “ guilt” you into giving up your life for him. Do what you can without jeopardizing your own life/sanity/health. Good luck and God Bless!

Annabox....your father sounds exactly like mine,alcohol and every thing.
I am now 2 yrs in of caring for him. My home is in VA and he is in CT, in my childhood home. The first yr I went back and forth and spent the whole winter with him. By spring I thought I was going to lose my mind. He would fight and resist me on everything, insist he could take care of himself (he couldn't) refuse any help, and generally be a nasty curmudgeon constantly. It was so draining. So I began to spend more time at home than with him. Then last Sept he fell and ended up with a spinal compression fracture and a fractured pelvis. I took this opportunity to take away his truck keys, which meant no more alcohol, but increased anger and nastyness to me. I also moved in with him FT as I could see no other option. But, it's killing me. His house is a moldy old new England colonial and I am very allergic. The stress of the situation and dealing with his narcissistic, petulant, abusive personality is affecting me in many ways. It will take me a long time to recover.
Right now I am in the process of placing him in a care facility. He will not like it but too bad. I have lost everything trying to care for him..my health, my wealth, my sanity, my relationship. Don't let this happen to you!!!! I wish I had found this forum earlier to help me understand that it was not my obligation to do this. He was a sh*tty, abusive father , and he still is.
In retrospect I realize that I should have just left him alone to live his life based on his choices. Yes, he may have hurt himself again. Yes, he may have fallen down and no one found him for days or weeks. He may have killed himself by not eating and drinking himself into oblivion. But I would still have my life.
Let me repeat myself and the words of others: YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO MAKE THE SH*TTY LIFE HE HAS CHOSEN BETTER!!! HE DOESNT DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION AND CARING. HE WILL NOT KNOW HOW TO APPRECIATE YOU. IT WILL DRAIN AND DESTROY YOU AND YOUR LIFE. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN!!!
This is your opportunity to learn and practice boundary setting and tough love. I bet, like me, this is an important lesson for you. And like me I also bet you have spent your life seeking the love your father never gave you. I can guarantee you that choosing to take care of him, allowing him to continue to engage in his lifelong behaviors with you, and not disentangling yourself from him will NOT have you find that love either. LOVE YOURSELF INSTEAD.
I wish you the best in moving forward in a positive life affirming way that protects your life, your kids, and your sanity. Don't let any sense of guilt or obligation put you into an untenable situation you will regret. Feel free to reach out personally if you would like.
Blessings...

Your Dad is an Alcoholic. You need to get some counseling for yourself. Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics can be a start. Sometimes you have to go to several different groups before you can find a good fit for you. If you are like most of us, you want the Daddy you never had. He isn't there and all the sacrifice in the world won't give him to you.

You can't reason with a drunk, not now, not ever. You can't get him to stop drinking, he has to WANT to stop, and so far he doesn't want to. All your wanting in the world won't work. It is the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". If he ever wants to quit he will need help, but he has to want to, and HE has to ask for help.

There is a book called "Codependent No More, How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for your self" that may help you. You need to detach from this drunk. He will suck you dry. I come from a long family of drunks and I know they are totally selfish. He doesn't care if you spend all your time with him to the detriment of your husband and children. When you married your husband you promised to "Cleave" to him. Your main job in life is your husband and children.

Please get some help for yourself. Your children and husband need you. Don't drag them into the whirlpool of this drunk.

Wow I had no idea so many others had elderly family members like this. Auntie has had these issues all her life: no sense of boundaries, very needy and wanting us around her all the time (although she is very health), feelings get hurt if we're not giving her our time and attention every day, has hurt feeling if we do anything without including her, etc. Nothing is ever enough.

We need to set boundaries in accordance with what we can live with (not what he or she wants) and stick to these depite the pushback we'll get. We can only do so much. We will never make this person feel secure and happy. We need to find a support group to turn to, people who are going through the same thing. we need to laugh. We need to pray the serenity prayer. Best of luck.

This mirrors my sister and I lives sans the alcohol. My mother is 86 yrs old and lives alone since my dad died. She lives in an independent living facility. She is very healthy. I have to call my mom every night or she feels something is wrong. She feels that anytime we leave our apartment that she should be with us. She does participates in activities but states she is used to having someone staying with her. My brother visits her twice a week. My retired sister stays with her at least one week out of the month and it still isn’t enough for her. We learned to set boundaries with my mom because she doesn’t have any. I keep reminding myself that she is healthy and nothing major is wrong. She has some memory loss but no dementia. My mother could live to be 99 yrs old like her sister. Her brother is 94 and going strong. My mom didn’t cultivate any friends either. I agree with others put him into assisted living. Take care of yourself. I am learning that more and more. Keep us posted

Does he have dementia? If not I'd have a serious talk with him that you will mot be his everything, and at his beck and call every day. No person can. You have a family and responsibilities.
Perhaps he didnt keep in touch with you as a child because his alcoholism was in full force? Some alcoholics can go to work everyday and do their job, and no one knows. They will white knuckle thru because they have to earn $ for a roof and alcohol. Then go home and get drunk evenings and weekends. Its like 2 different people. It's called a functioning alcoholic. I don't know your life, but it's just a guess. That doesn't excuse any abuse aimed at you.

I'd lay down the law that you won't be there for him unless he gets OT, or carers to help.
You can always call adult protective services on him. You are not his caregiver.
I wouldn't go to a doc appt and be abused. I'd tell him you will stop any time he starts abusing you. Give him the number for uber and leave. I'd give him 1 chance to knock it off before I left. I would do it and mean it! You have to.
You might have to threaten no contact if he doesnt help himself in those areas he needs help, like pt.
But you have to be strong and follow thru. Even if You feel guilty. Do it. Nowhere is it written that because you share DNA you have to be abused.
I'm terrible but I would tell him you weren't there for me, and I am not filling in all voids now. I've learned to have to put boundaries up and stick to them with the narcissists in my family.
When you feel guilty because you out up a boundary not to be abused, or walked over, think of it as setting boundaries for a child that throws a tantrum. You are just being the adult and will not accept child like behavior. Good luck.

Bless you! Here you are with a dad who is an alcoholic and wasn’t even a real dad to you as you grew up and NOW he wants a daughter to fulfill all his wants and needs. Where was he when you had your needs. I’m afraid you are being manipulated and sucked in to make it seem like it’s your fault for his sorry existence. Alcoholics are notorious for making their plight other people,s fault. I agree with others that moving him is best for helping with proper nutrition because as you know an alcoholic doesn’t eat well, as well as finding friends or people to do social activities with. You can’t be or do it all. You basically need to set limits and know why you are. It is fine to have boundaries. You did not create the mess his life has become. I dare to say he has beginnings of dementia from alcoholism. Do you attend Al Anon meetings? If not that would be very helpful in coping and having the support.
I agree you do not need to answer your phone every time he calls. That’s why we have voicemail. So what if he doesn’t like it. You decide when to pick up the phone. I and many others here have had to do that with our parents. Even the sound of my dad's personal ring tone would give me anxiety so if it was evening I would block his number. He was in AL so I knew he had help if needed.
You must do what you can to protect yourself and not enable. You can learn these skills through Al Anon. Report back. We care!!

Hi Annabox
Sounds like my Father apart from the alcohol and he is much older(92) and now in care facility.
Believe me I understand. Like you tried everything to help him but he refused to do anything to help himself. He thought he knew best. All carers,doctors,physios, mental health team,nurses,the list is endless were hopeless according to him. I now realise what he wanted was a personal slave to do exactly what he wanted without question. I had to wait or a crisis when he was in hospital to get him in care as he's a complete refuser. I have power of attorney which is a must or they can do what they like. Mental health doctor and hospital doctor deemed he had not capacity to make decisions about his wellbeing so I could decide. He was not eating, washing,going out. Sat all day with curtains shut but refused to believe anything wrong. He's still at it demanding to get home and says being kept in care against his will . It upset me at first but you have to make yourself toughen up. For your sake and well being. I can now just walk away when he starts. It's taken me years to get to this stage. I still love him and care about him but I am not allowing him to bring me down or take over my life. What a rant. Hope it helps