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I took my mother to her doctor and she said that she had concerns about her driving. She does not want her to drive and to take her keys. I also have to make sure she takes her medicine because she has been forgetting to. I am also dealing with my older brother who lives with us and he is an alcoholic and can be verbally, emotionally and physically abusive (he hit me 2 wks ago and was arrested). I am afraid he will do the same to my mother. I told her doctor all of this and it is documented. We will be receiving some intervention and counseling. Also I am setting up services in the home for my mother. I just feel like I am taking on so much it can be overwhelming. I am a full time teacher. My brother who lives with us has no job because of his issues and just cares about himself. He is selfish and drinks all day.

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Mary, you are probably back at the point where there is nothing you can do if your mother continues to favour your brother. I would suggest again that you try moving out yourself. It might well prompt a crisis in the house, and that might be what is needed to make things different. And certainly, it should give you a rest (even if temporary) from a situation which has to be very very stressful and frustrating. While you don't want to abandon your mother to a situation that will probably get worse, at present you are propping up a situation that is pretty bad and isn't getting any better.
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marycares Oct 7, 2018
Thank you Margaret
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If he does not seek help for himself. He must find other living arrangements. Because if your mother's doctor see any marks on your mother's body. Doctor will call police. You don't want to be charged for neglect for elderly.
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marycares Oct 6, 2018
Bad news, my brother is back home after restraining order was lifted.  He had a lawyer that painted him out to be a good guy and made me out to be the one with the problem. I was overwhelmed by the whole experience in court that I had to leave because I could not handle it. They were even able to convince my mother that she needs to have my brother home and had her sign an affidavit stating that she is not being abused by my brother and that she wants him home because he is helpful. All lies. They are playing with her mind. The evening he  was home he told her to "shut the f up".
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Mary,

Dealing with a parent with Dementia is hard enough. Throw an abusive alcoholic sibling into the home also makes the whole thing unmanageable. I hope you realize that.

If your Mom won’t go to an Al Anon meeting I suggest you go alone. I tried to go to a meeting, it was supposed to be at a Church. The site had been moved. The pastor was there and had been involved with Al Anon for years. She sat me down and talked to me for about one hour. That’s all I needed. I knew then I had to detach from my Alcoholic Sister even though she had just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

If money was taken from your account I also suggest you file a police report, file charges and contact the bank.

Your situation is more common than you might think.

This is all too much for one person to have to deal with. Get all the resources on board that you can to protect your Mom and yourself.
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marycares Sep 28, 2018
Thank you
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marycares

Would mom consider going to an Al Anon meeting? Being with other family members of alcoholics may be able to help her see that although she is trying to help him, she is actually hurting him by enabling him to continue his addiction.
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marycares Sep 27, 2018
I will see if my mother will go to Al Anon. She is having a difficult time. She was actually yelling at me last night and I had a full blown meltdown.
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I just saw that he is withdrawing money from your account???? That is a crime. Have him arrested, that will speed up the process of getting him out. And, at least in my state, you go in and file for a restraining order and see the judge the same day, so take any proof you have with you, like your bank statement and the police report from his arrest! I guarantee the judge will grant the restraining order!!
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It must be very distressing that your mother favours your difficult brother, when you are the one doing what it takes for her. If she doesn't have dementia, there is nothing that you can do to stop this. Likewise, if she owns the house, you cannot make her evict your brother. And you can't stop her buying him alcohol. The reality is that you are the one that needs to move out. The best you can hope for is that if and when you move out, your mother will realise that she cannot manage without you, and will be more receptive to the real situation. If she still won't change, you need to rearrange your finances and make your own life. Can you think of a way to leave for a month, and see if that prompts a change?
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marycares Sep 24, 2018
Thanks for your advice. I did talk to protective services and someone is coming to talk to my mother about this. She would be upset if I moved out and would probably realize it. My brother has a pre trial next month for assult charges on me. All this is very overwhelming
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First, hope you have POA

Second, if you are sharing an acct with Mom you need to withdraw your money and set up a different account. If Mom ever needs Medicaid any account with her name on it will be considered hers. Keep ur name on hers so u can pay bills ect but separate your money from hers.

Third, at the time your brother was arrested you should have been able to get a tempory restraining order.

Fourth, You Mom has Dementia. She is no longer able to make informed decisions. That includes continuing to enable brother. Her saftey and yours are what is important. Her needs now outweigh what she wants. Caregiving is hard and you work on top of it. Brother has had it easy now he needs to put on his big boy pants.
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What's the latest, marycares? You wrote that you are "trying everything," but what does that mean?

The most important thing is to get your brother out of the house. He is a danger to you and your mother. Can't you picture what could happen when you are at work and the two of them are home together?

How did your brother get into your bank account?
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marycares Sep 22, 2018
Hi I did get a restraining order but my brother somehow got my mother's debit card. I called bank to cancel but now my mother is meeting up with him to buy him liquor and give him money to pay for hotel etc.
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Ok, so it sounds like he is out of the house now. That’s great, regardless of who’s paying right now. Have you or your mom gotten the intervention and counciling yet that you previously mentioned? Have you been able to take steps to stop her driving like her doctor recommended? These may be the next steps that would improve the situation and move forward.
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If your brother won’t leave and your mom is enabling his behavior, both of which it sounds like from your replies below, then you need to move out yourself. There is simply no excuse for keeping yourself in an abusive situation. Your mom is choosing your brother and his dysfunction over you and the help you offer. You need your own banking minus both of them being on the accounts. Hopefully mom will get enough of your brother and wake up and want you back along with your help, but she’s chosen the way she wants this and for your safety please don’t keep trying to let her have both. When people show you who they are, believe them
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Hmmm ... you have an abusive, alcoholic brother who doesn't work and poses a threat to you and your Mother. He needs to GO. The longer you wait the worse it will get. Listen to Katy and do it asap. He has friends he can go to. Don't allow him to to talk you out of it - don't even give him the chance. You will regret it.
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marycares Sep 5, 2018
Thanks for your advice. It is such a different situation I have to deal with but fortunately I have great support.
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Whose house is it? If it is rented, whose name is on the lease? If it belongs to your brother, you need to find somewhere else to go. If not, he ought to go. He should not come back after being arrested for assaulting you when drunk. Don't forget to change the locks when he leaves. Then settle down to working out how to cope with your mother. There is plenty of advice here on that, but you need to get over this hurdle first. Have courage!
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marycares Sep 5, 2018
My mother owns the house and she is in denial over what is happening. She continues to enable him and I get so frustrated. I recently found out he is withdrawing money from my bank account and putting in my mother's account for his own use. When I confronted him about it he said he didn't know it was my account because I have a shared account with my mother. How could he not know this??
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First, get a restraining order against your brother and then throw the bum out. This may cause him to hit bottom and get some help. At least you and mom will be safe!
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marycares Sep 5, 2018
I agree but the process of court is long. I am trying everything
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