How can differences between siblings be resolved without conflict concerning the care for our Mom?

Did your mother agree to the move from the retirement home? Is your brother her POA? If your mother agreed and is mentally competent, then I don't know what you can really do, as she is the one making the decisions.

My response weighs in on two articles on this thread - this one and the question about caring for in-laws. My brother lives 5 mi from my mom who lives alone in her own (shabby) home. I live 30 mi away. He is a pilot so he is rarely home. His wife has been taking on his responsibility of taking mom to doctor then will not share with me (daughter). It has caused great confusion as it did when my dad was dying of cancer. Having the same last name she purported herself to be the daughter to gain access to medical records and info. This angered me to confront her which started a family rowe. They recently took my mom from a retirement home that was close to me and I was providing the care. Now that mom is back to living alone she's not getting the care she needs, I'm back to taking her to doctors when she is sick cause they're not observant enough. Turns out mom has pneumonia and COPD one year now after hip fracture and replacement. They definitely want to be the Chiefs and control mom and her money. I've been called irrational and worse. But it is always me that comes through to get her the medical care she needs. How can I get them to understand I need this to be easier on me and put her back in the retirement center that was convenient. She is a shut-in, can't drive and shabby trailer needs to be sold.

Sorry... I don't think I made that clear.... things would be a lot easier if everyone were given their fair turn to be heard. My apologies!

Thank you, fligirl. Don't apologize for telling your story. I think 99.9 percent of all of the problems with siblings ( or relationships period) is everyone wants to feel heard and respected. Some command it and others feel they don't get their turn. Would certainly make things a lot easier in so many ways. I think it's so sad that the relationships you have the longest in your life, technically speaking, with your siblings, can become so difficult. I totally, completely agree with frustrated2's comment that parents greatly influence the dynamic between siblings, perhaps unknowingly. Rivalry rears its ugly head at times when support is of the utmost importance! So crazy, isn't it? I reiterate what I said in my first comment, with no offense to rubydee whatsoever, that email might well be the way to go to eliminate frustration and emotion at a time when everyone's tired and frustrated from the rigors of caregiving.

Thank you.

"Is that the hill you want to die on ?" I love that, filing it away for future use.

Oh and btw theres no inheritance here. A few thousand dollars that I may or may not get so I don't lose this home. So Its not about money. Its about control.

Breakdown has very good points. So what if your only means of communication is email and maybe her being overprotective isn't such a bad idea.

Breakdown, do we possibly have the same sister? I am 2.5 years younger, my sis for the first time the other day told me that she was my dads favorite and I was my moms. She has (in not so many words) said that she was neglected and everything she did she got in trouble. Seriously she was drunk and threw up on the dining room table when she was like 19? That is the only thing that I can think of that she did. She said that I would come home stoned and get away with it. Well I did, but I do not think I was treated any different than she was. She has treated me poorly my entire life. She hates me so much that it is scary that someone can feel so much hate. I have always tried to get along with her. I get in the same trap over and over. (you would think I would know better) I begin to trust her and think ok she really is trying to help mom and then she makes a dr appoint and say she is getting a social worker and than I AM NOT allowed to come to the doctor which of course makes me suspicious. My BIL got on the phone today and said HE does not want me to go and I said give me a reason and he said "I don't have to give you s*hit! I said FU and hung up. I am not going to the appointment tomorrow and I will just find out what is happening when its over. I promise this When my mom passes I WILL NEVER speak with her or her husband (who btw used to be really nice) again. Only when she lets me know about my DAD and that is it. She has caused so much trouble that my sons will not talk to her or her husband, She was very good to my sons with money of course. That is how she communicates, with money and feels that is all she has to do. I know exactly how you feel breakdown, (even though I just made this about myself, sorry) Hugs to you and everyone on this website.

Who ever is taking care of Mom and staying there gets to make the rules. When it's not your turn you have to shut up. Tell you sister's this new rule. You all love your Mom and you will all take care of her in your own way. Simple, keep it simple! Other wise you will end up like most of us on this site who can't stand their siblings. Your Mom raised all of you and what she gets from each of you is what she gets.

There's only one of you, Arlene, and only 24 hours in the day. Don't give yourself a hard time when you're already doing all you can. Big hug.

You are so lucky to have your sisters here. My two sisters are living overseas and I am totally alone in looking after my mom although she is living in a home. It is emotionally draining and so hard to deal with. If I am unable to see her then she has no one going to see her and it makes me feel so terrible as I am working all day and have a part time job in the evenings. I am left to see her in my lunch hour and that is also coming to an end as my firm I am working for during the day is moving very far away from where we are at present in December 2014. I am so afraid that my mom is going to go down further without my seeing her.

There is the old saying 'is that the hill you want to die on'. Another is 'there's more than one way to skin a cat'. When taking in a number of opinions, opinions offered covertly or overtly by spouses, underlying motivations, financial situations, etc. there is a lot to sort through. I have a good friend who comes from a family of 10 siblings. There was never any money left by the parents for any of the kids so there were no ulterior motives regarding anyone's inheritance, since there wasn't any. Some of the kids were more financially successful than others, but all were self sufficient and worked together to do the best thing by their mother who lived to be very old. Their dad passed away early so he was not a consideration. Conversely, in my family, there are five of us. We were raised in an environment where money was held over our heads and my parents have it. Now everyone but me seems to be very interested in what is going to be left to them. I have two sisters who are nurses and two brothers who have 'typical' male oriented careers - one an accountant and one an engineer. I am a woman, the oldest and was a business person (high level sales, mostly to male customers in an industrial setting). I was 'told' to marry well and not worry about working; some man would support me. As it turned out, my ex moved everything we had to an overseas bank account and I had to start over (about 28 years ago) with three kids to support. My parents never knew how tenuous my financial situation was because I never shared it and they never wanted to know. But as a result of my life experience, I learned to do for myself and not to expect anyone to bail me out or make me a princess. I made my own way. I have been remarried for a long time, my kids all went to college and have their own personal success and I have steered clear of the monumentous family drama. My parents created this and all but me seem to thrive on it. I would do things differently than some of my siblings and I also would step in if my parents were being in any way abused. But to me, it is fantasy land to think all five of us would ever have a meeting of the minds. I choose my battles, and stay out of the fray. There are a lot of ways to accomplish what needs to be done in the end, particularly when there are sufficient funds to get them done. But trying to control anyone's behavior other than your own is not going to happen. Another good saying 'only speak common sense to someone who HAS common sense or they won't listen anyway'. To a certain extent, all parents create the family dynamic long before they are old and feeble and need to be helped.

I think a 'straight' approach is in order, everyone sit down and you say that you all are her for mom, that is what we need to focus on, we need to work together as a team to do this. I'm sure it's been difficult with your father's passing and picking up the caregiver role (for each of you). It's been an adjustment for everyone. Just remember, you and your siblings are a team and must work together for the good of your mother. Working together will allow you to take care of your mother the best you can and that's what is important.

You cannot control other people's behavior. You can only control your response to it.
If things get really to the point it is harming your mom, you need to go to court and have someone appointed Guardian. That will solve a lot of problems over who is in charge. It may alleviate your communication issues to have a neutral 3rd party, experienced in dealing with vulnerable adults' needs, appointing someone. They will usually choose someone geographically closest, who is able to spend the time.
Good luck. Some day your sister may "get over" whatever it is (and it may just be grief) and I hope you will be ready to listen to her. She isnt the Devil.

I don't have a clear answer however I wanted to point out that a number of people have said that the "focus should be solely on Mom"--and with respect I don't think that is a helpful approach when trying to get adults to work together. Unless someone is single, with no kids, and independently wealthy--they likely have other adult responsibilities besides Mom. If you tell the siblings in effect that their own kids don't matter compared to Mom--which is what some folks seem to be suggesting--it seems reasonable that some siblings would push back on that. I think the suggestion that some have made that a mediator who is not a blood relative get involved who can listed to everyone's point of view is more helpful.

Rubydee, I'm the youngest of three. My oldest brother passed away, my middle brother is six years older and I have always been treated as the youngest and the dumbest. It has taken 4 1/2 years of my partner caring for mom for my brother to finally agree that if he lives four hours away, is not going to help financially then I have no issue giving him updates but telling me what is best for mom doers not fly with me. We are the ones getting up with her all night, making sure meds are correct, food she will eat is always around and most of my family especially her crazy sister who wants control and me with the POA have to do a weekly fight with one family member or another to the point I have cut off almost all contact with them but my kids and my brother. Over the years we have finally become closer than we have ever been mainly because he don't want the responsibility and goes to bat for us to keep disruptive family that only upset my mom away. Being the youngest I think sometimes we tend to love our parents too much if that is possible and for whatever reason see it is our job the be the protector. I would set down with your sister and just be honest that all of you love your mom and want the best for her but the way I see it with my family, someone has to have the final decision and that should be whoever is doing the most caregiving I think. I hope you can work it out because I have lost so much family over this holidays have turned from standing room only to sit down dinners and in my case I don't think it can be repaired,,,so if you can, don't let it get to that. God bless, it hard on everyone on all sides it seems.

Sorry to hear you're having this problem. My brother and I have been through this. I live about an hour away from Mom & Dad and he lives 1,500 miles away. I send him weekly updates about what happened over the weekend and what I learned about happening during the week (we have 24/7 in-home care). In our phone conversations, he would scream and yell at me about not calling sooner or not discussing things with him or whatever. He could push my buttons!! It became so stressful for me that I sought counseling. The counselor recommended to cease verbal communication and have all conversations via email. Through this form, I was able to keep my responses pleasant and avoid combativeness. Plus, I had documentation. It irritated him very much that I wouldn't talk to him and he really tried to insist on verbal communication. He went so far as to say his email replies were bounced back. There were a few times that we would talk on the phone. Once he was in the car with his wife and daughter and I was on speaker phone. Almost immediately, he began screaming and yelling. After three warnings, I hung up.

Now, he seems to have settled down a bit. He's appreciative of what I do and that I go to great lengths to keep him informed on a weekly basis. In our last phone call, he thanked me and I thanked him for having a pleasant discussion.

Although he is my brother, he is not my friend. We have to keep ourselves civil for everyone's benefit. If he starts yelling at me again, I will go back to email-only form of communication.

I guess my point is there are blessings in emails. Hope your situation will improve!

I agree with all of you. MarkJohn makes a lot of sense. Someone has to be in charge, but most definitely needs everyone to stand behind them. There are four of us siblings in my family, and I am the only one to look after my mother other than my stepdad, and we are doing the best we can. It's tough. Let's remember that each of us is different, and some siblings aren't cut out for being caretaker. It's all about the patient and keeping a what's best for them in mind. Thank u for the idea of having someone to preside over a meeting of siblings.

I agree with Sueber48. I think the best way to proceed is to have a family meeting mediated by a professional. Family dysfunction when dealing with a parent with Alzheimer's is so difficult. I think the disagreements should be worked out now before you end up not speaking to your siblings ever again.

I think you and your siblings are doing your best however, the role of primary caregiver was that of your father's and it appears he was working very hard to cover all your mother's needs. It is common for an elderly spouse/caregiver to pass away before the spouse they are caring for.

I doubt if the current arrangement of splitting up the week of coverage will be workable for an extended period of time. However, perhaps the siblings can supervise the mother's care with a live in caregiver or mother attending adult day care for the work week. Perhaps an assisted living situation will work. But regardless of which way the siblings turn from now on, the supervision and payment of the care will be decided by the 3 of you.
This is the legacy your father has left. You will be able to figure it out but you will be formulating the Plan B for Mom. If everyone can keep Mom's needs first it will be solvable.

I would see an elder lawyer to get paper work in place so someone has responsibility for the financial costs and someone has the ability to act in her behave for health matters. She is unable to handle this herself and the spouse is gone so you need to have a replacement. The good news is you have siblings to share the work. Being an only child I had it all on my plate. So you do have an easier route if everyone continues to work together.

We each have had our experiences with siblings. I agree with countrymouse that you need to link arms and help each other. Going through this time must be tough on everyone. After your mom passes on to be with your Dad, whenever that may be. The siblings will still be around to put up with one another!!
For 2.5 month you said that all went as well as could be expected. So be sensitive to one another and be glad that there are several sets of eyes and ears near to Mom to see how she is doing. Share the troubles, joys and small successes of caring for a parent!! You will all be bonded and have a better time of it when mom is gone!! Blessings to you!!

You have not mentioned if your mother has any money to speak. You DO need to find out why your sister is acting this way. I have two sisters who began to act strangely toward me a couple of years ago. They became secretive and somewhat aggressive in there dealings with me concerning our mother. One sister in particular was worse, the one who did the most for Mom. Turns out, they were spending a lot of our mother's money on themselves, lying to Mom and to me. I tried to get it resolved, but it had reached the point where they had her completely groomed to believe they weren't doing anything wrong, and that I was the one who was the problem because I was causing "family discord." I reported them to the State, but of course the State didn't do anything about it, because my Mom said nothing was wrong. (She does have dementia, only it's probably not in her medical records, yet.) Mother has NO idea that they are recklessly spending her money on themselves.

The end result of this story, is that I started seeing an excellent counselor a few months ago to deal with the horrible treatment of me by my siblings, and now I have chosen to "divorce" my family of origin. I'm moving on and I am already seeing that my life if becoming much better without them.

It is amazing to me now that so many families try to have relationships with each other, no matter how dysfunctional, just because they are blood.

I hope you find your answer to this to be much less a problem than mine was. Just be aware that the strange and aggressive behavior of your sister, can be a huge red flag of something not right.

Ruby, you're all going through an emotional minefield. I'm surprised that no one has yet seemed to flag up that it's only 3 months since you lost your dad. Rough on you three children as well as a difficult change for your poor mother, with grief, anger, uncertainty, anxiety all mixed up together.

You must all be feeling so thin-skinned you might as well have been flayed. Look, I'm the youngest, and my mother's caregiver, and I get called over-protective, secretive, controlling etc etc etc too. We are slowly slowly sorting it out, and by endless patience and a good deal of lip biting we're getting there.

You all three need to link arms and remember that you are in the same boat and aiming for the same place - your mother's safety and wellbeing. There are *bound* to be differences of opinion about how to get there. So draw up some ground rules about communication - no interrupting, no contradicting, no personal remarks, everyone to be cc'd in every email, that kind of thing - and see if you can't start again. For God's sake be nice to each other - you've got enough troubles without falling out.

Ruby, I wish we knew more about you mom's situation so we could quit speculating about what is going on. You should be aware that you are using powerfully negative language about your sister's behavior.

Oh, does this sounds familiar, only I didn't get the extra help tho others tried to push it on me. There's a lot of good, practical advice being given here about what needs to be done, but I'll just touch on the emotional. I'll bet I was seen as irrational and overprotective too. Everything right now is in total flux for all of you, and things are sensitive for everyone. You're grieving for Dad and Mom's condition now takes center stage and it falls to you and your siblings to work together for her care. Maybe what was somewhat abstract for your sister is now reality, maybe she's I&O because she's got one parent left and she realizes that Mom could go at any time. We know that many times when one parent dies, the other goes within a year. It could be just hitting her. Ideally, you can have a family meeting and just talk about things on equal terms and listen to each other. Take it gently with her, and with each other. Tell her you're concerned but give her time. Don't be pushy! There's pressure on all of you at the moment so don't toss more on one particular sibling or on yourself because she maybe handling the emotional aspects differently. Some handle changes well, others may have a harder time adjusting. Is it worth hurt feelings and estrangement? Be good to each other for the long road ahead. This can bring out the best in people, and unfortunately the worst as well as some examples given here. May things work out the best for you.

This is a sad state shared by many. My brother, sister and I also had and have trouble getting on the same page. One thing that works is that every email is shared by all. Dad is with me, and I email them updates, photos from my cell phone etc. My brother manages the money, I do the care taking, my sister is 2500 miles away. My brother and I see the doctor with Dad q 6 weeks right now, and my brother updates my sister with a copy to me. That helps, MOSTLY.

Keep in mind, a lot of childhood issues come out during this time. Each person must find an individual way to manage and keep those personal issues out of the care of mom.

Good luck to you all.

rubydee, she is burned out already. That leaves two, who will burn out next?
If you could get Mom to Assisted Living, it would take 80% of the burden off your shoulders. You can still see her as often as you want, without getting worn down to a stump.

It's really sad, that someone who lives five minutes away from their parents, would find just stopping by for a while to check on them to be a burden and intrusion.
Parents are precious. Caring for them is a priviledge. It's a gift we have been given, so that we might be close to them once more, before God takes them. It's as they say, "the present is God's gift to us."

You all need to grow up and put the needs of your Mother before your own.