When I say bullies I mean they physically, verbally and emotionally abused the kids. The mother stopped beating the girls when they were old enough to "parent" the other kids (so she could be off and about).
The father brought verbal and emotional abuse to new levels. He can scream and swear for hours at a time. Everyone is stupid. Everyone is evil. His wife. His kids, The in-laws. His brothers. The Jews. The Blacks. The Germans. Everyone but him. If he's not bitching he's bragging about himself.
The mother has toned it down over the years. She doesn't scream much anymore. She just complains. And "guilts" everyone into helping her out.
Well now they do have some legitimate health issues. Add to that that the father is in the early stages of Alzheimer. He can still dress, eat, shave, shower, etc. But on a bad day he can barely remember his own kids.
So they do need some help. My wife and I have located services that can and will cater to their every need. We've also located a memory care facility if it should come to that.
But the in-laws don't want that. They want the kids to do it. That's what kids are for. (Never mind they did squat for their parents. The sisters took care of grandma.)
So the kids tried and continue to but the care is spotty and largely ineffective. And now the siblings are fighting with each other. (They always got along well).
The siblings have professional careers and can't always help out. My wife and I have low end jobs so the siblings think we can and should do more. They don't seem to understand that hourly employees can't come and go as they please or that hourly employees can get tired too.
We also have grand kids living with us, we help out my mom (nineties) and my wife was recently helping me out with a health issue (I'm seventy myself).
(My mom has been cooperative. We helped her find an independent care facility that provides housekeeping, meals, entertainment, etc. She and us kids have put together a plan should she need more as time goes on. We offer some help but mostly when we visit we get to VISIT!)
But the bigger problem is I think my wife has PTSD! Her parents continuing bad behavior seems to trigger childhood memories and she ... It's hard to describe. She comes home in tears. Sometimes crying hysterically. Sometimes she's hollering and screaming herself (so NOT like her!) Other times not a peep. Just quietly cries herself to sleep. If she sleeps at all. She gets all jittery and nervous when she knows she has to go over.
Her siblings tell her to "just get over it already". I think it's beyond presumptuous to tell someone how they should be reacting to childhood abuse.
Further I think their efforts are simply facilitating the parents continuing bad behavior but they don't want to upset them.
I think it's time to yank his drivers license. (He gets lost, he gets confused, he gets angry behind the wheel, he drives at inappropriate speeds, he pulls out into traffic causing others to slam on their brakes.) They don't want to upset him.
I think it's time to hire house keeping. They don't want to upset him.
I think it's time to hire other care services. They don't want to upset him.
But it's OK to upset my wife and demand more from her?
I don't see anyway out.