What can I do to help Mom get back where she wants to be?


We live in WV. Nursing Home Doctor and Social Worker have designated my 86 yo mother incompetent to make medical decisions for herself. She fell in Dec. was in hospital 2 weeks, then sisters with POA moved her to a rehab nursing home. Now she is much improved but sisters will not allow her to return home based on declaration of WV doctor of NH. Mom continues to improve but the rehab has her only in remedial care because of 2 mini strokes she has had since being there in that smelly place. I moved back here to care for her because the others were tired of caring for her, her medical doctor advised us after her last major stroke that she could not live alone any longer because of her anxiety. I lived in NC at the time. Now I'm here, do all her laundry (scabies outbreak in NH) take her meals, snacks, food on nights that she won't eat chicken/fish (served 4 or more times a week) take her all her personal care needs, shampoo, body wash, lotions, toothpaste, denture cleaner, etc. The sisters visit an hour or so that it.

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Scabies in humans is the same as Mange in a dog and it is a real red flag that indicates very poor sanitation at the facility. Don't move her home until you are sure she is not bringing the mites home with her ! You can't see them or the eggs!! Sure she wants to be home, but realize that dementia is not the same as caring for a surgical patient. You are not in NC anymore and WV may not have the same home care options. And you are not getting any younger.
In dementia, you might bring her home and she will still ask to "go home" because she no longer recognizes the place. Dementia means angry outbursts for no reason. Wandering away and getting lost occur too frequently. Think long and hard about this. Too many caregivers die before their patients. They forget that with a NH, you get to go home and sleep at night, a privilege completely lost with a dementia patient.
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I moved back to WV from NC to help when Mom was still traveling between sisters here in the area. It is not guilt it is human decency and care for my mother. Life was never easy for her but she's always had a fighting spirit and wants what she wants when she wants it. LOL

I'm frustrated today because it's been and endless 6 months of brow beating by sisters and Mom not being heard or listened to. Because the NH is making decisions about her health that are out of line with her heart doctor, because the girls are being..........whatever it is. I'm feeling inadequate and I don't want to have to answer her questions about why they won't do what she wants. She's lonely and wants someone with her constantly. It would be easiest for me because I have my son here and no other family. Because of the way the girls have treated mom and me there is no relationship with them at all unless they want me to enforce their ideas which I won't always fall into.
I'm finding it especially hard to get myself interested in even doing my quilting, I'm just existing to do laundry and go to visit Mom. Because of the calls from Mom, when the girls don't visit, don't call her, won't listen to her, she calls me. It's fine but there's nothing I can do without the rights they have and use against me.

I'm sorry to be rambling and unclear...another sign of my depression over the situation??? Very likely, I'm trying to work through it but just don't know how. I did 18 months of care for my husband with this son's help and help from home health company and the county senior care worker in NC but WV is a new and limited ball field for me. Thanks for your suggestions.
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Can mom afford in home care or live in care? Can you relocate her back to NC? Do you even want to? You'll need to research services and options available to her and what she can afford. Then examine your needs, long term, and what you want to do short term and long term. Then, have a family meeting with sibs and lay out the options. If you will continue to care for her, then you will need them to step up and commit time so you get regular consistent breaks and vacation. If they refuse, then they can commit money so you can hire respite care, in home help, etc.

Don't continue down this path out of guilt, obligation, or "no one else will help". That is quick journey to burn out. Don't know if you have your own family --but don't risk that.
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