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My Dad died 3 1/2 years ago. He was a real gentleman and Lt Col in the USAF. He and my mom made a really nice life together. Shortly after he died, she told me she wanted my family to move into her home (a bit larger than mine and on a lake) so she wouldn't be lonely and I could care for her as she ages. I felt that was too soon. Not understanding how tough grief can be, I thought she would find her vitality again, and might find out presence their stifling. My brothers were adamantly against my moving in and said she should just downsize her home and sell the lake home. Within the year, one brother divorced his wife of 36 years and moved in with my mom while he regrouped. When fishing everyday didn’t fulfill him, he got on Match.com and met up with a “lady” who he MOVED INTO my mom’s home within weeks of knowing her. She is pretty low on the totem pole of life—48 living in a run down RV with no recent employment history, pretty guttural language and habits, even brought her dogs which she kept chained or in cages or running through my mom’s home. (I love dogs…this was cruel situation.) Eliza Doolittle in the first part of “My Fair Lady” far exceeds this lady…who sometime during the year started calling my mother “Mom.” (She does have her own mother.) They come and go, sometimes my brother is on the road as a trucker, and they use her place as their crash pad.
I don’t feel peace at all there anymore. Dynamics have changed to say the least! The other brothers don’t seem to have issues…they come in and fish or hang out….they have all been divorced and see it as a phase and aren’t bothered by her living with our mom. Are my concerns unfounded? Am
I being a “Karen”?

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I’m not accusing you of being a snob, but what is the girlfriend like as a person, besides her lower class habits? If your brother is a truckie, perhaps one reason for the split after 36 years was getting a more ‘robust’ relationship. It’s even possible that your mother feels the same way. After a long marriage to a ‘real gentleman’, seeing another side of life can be quite liberating (I speak from personal experience here).

It doesn’t seem to upset your other brothers, and from the sound of it they are well used to a multi-colored post-split set-up. Perhaps talk to them about the financial implications, which may be more relevant to them than the guttural language.

And of course, try to talk to mother, non-judgementally. You need to make sure that she is not afraid, and that she knows what support she will get if she says (politely) to ‘get out’.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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How does your mom feel about your brother and his girlfriend living with her? Did she invite them or did they invite themselves?

I don’t think that you are a ‘Karen.’ You are concerned about your mom. What is going on with mom other than grieving for your dad?

I hope that your brother and your mom isn’t being fooled by this woman if she does have sinister ideas. Best wishes to your family.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Who is the POA? Does your Mom have dementia? Is she competent in her own decisions? Have you spoken to your MOM about all this? Quite honestly, if your Mom is competent, all of this is in her hands. If she is not, and there is no POA then I think there needs to be consideration of guardianship. Your Mom's estate will pay the cost of this; you would require a clear diagnosis in order to get guardianship, and I think your brother and his lady-friend may already have plans in this regard.
Wishing you the best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Seems pretty obvious that your mother is being taken advantage of by her son and his girlfriend. He might say you and your family are doing the same taking advantage even though your mom asked you to live there. Unless mom has ongoing caregiving needs, you’re all doing her a disservice by not allowing her the freedoms to live on her own. The only power here lies with your mom, as long as her mind is sound (and the legal bar for that is quite low) she is free to decide who she has living in her home. If she doesn’t want your brother and the girlfriend there, it’s on her to change that and have them move out. Does one of you have POA for mom’s healthcare and financial decisions for when she’s no longer able to make decisions? Your concerns are valid, talk to mom and see what her wishes are, along with getting an evaluation if you’re concerned about her abilities
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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