Dad is 78 with slight dementia. He’s stubborn as stubborn gets - always has been. He lived alone an hour away from me until December 2018, when he went into the hospital because he couldn’t walk. Since then, he’s been in a rehab facility, then back in the hospital, then in February, to a different rehab facility. To this day that is where he’s remained - NOT on Medicare anymore, but now private pay. He hates it. His room is down the hall from LTC so he’s resorted to “helping” with patients and saying he works there. I’ve taken him to visit 2 beautiful assisted livings close to my home. He says he likes them but wouldn't want to live there. He wants to go home. Truth is, he can’t. 80% of the time he’s in a wheelchair and his house is not equipped for that. He also wants to drive again. Not happening. Soooooo every day we have the same conversation...... he’s packed and ready to leave. Could I help him and bring him home. It breaks my heart when I have to have this conversation but I do because for my own sanity, I have to get off this crazy train. I try to explain to him how much better a small apartment in assisted-living would be. He said “you” think it would be better. I don’t. I beg him to just try..... but then he says I'm happy where I am. It’s fine here. But tomorrow comes and we’re back to the same conversation. I can’t take it. He’s always hated change and I’m starting to believe that the dementia has very little to do with it. Even when we’ve gone to see 3 assisted livings, so he could choose which one he likes best, he still goes back to the decision being mine to move to one. I don’t even know how to handle this anymore. I’be never been a controlling person (even in a case like this, when I know the decision to be in AL is best.). Many people would have just moved their parent by now because they know it’s for the best, but I just can’t. By leaving him where he is, is doing nothing for his QOL, not to mention MY QOL! I visit all the time to give him social interaction, but it’s consuming me. Please please please give me your thoughts! Side note, the facility where he is now, offers me no help at all. They would love for him to stay there for the $ he’s paying. They tell him he works there and they barely pay any attention to him at all. He has to move. Bottom line. Ugh
You have done everything you can. If he doesn't allow you to help in this, and if you have no power to act, there is nothing you can do, and the more you PUSH, with his personality, the harder he will fight you.
I would try to attract the bees by moving the honey. Visit much less. Tell him you long for the day he will agree to move closer where you can see him every day and help him more, but that you won't make the decision for him.
If you have POA, and if you want it you should be getting it now, when he is less capable you can move him, but at that point the choices may also be less attractive. Wishing you luck. Hope you update us.
I’m afraid somebody is going to have to be the adult in the room and decide what is best for him. He’s already told you that the decision is yours to make, so you’ve already won 99% of the battle! Make the decision and go for it!
Having POA will definitely help with the paperwork etc so if you don’t have that already, now is the time.
I also agree with the others, stop going there so often, being a helicopter caretaker is not the answer.
Your father is fortunate to have such a caring daughter, now do the right thing for him, turn the decision into a positive, as it is not a negative.
And by the way, @Annabox, you sound like a wonderful, loving daughter. Your dad is blessed to have you in his corner, even if he doesn't realize it.
Good luck with your father, and take these suggestions to heart, they will really help you!
My dads family are all large people yet comment on my weight every time I see them. Really! It's good to see you too. (By the way, I am the smallest person in the house and I still get criticized for my weight)
Dementia patients always need consistency in their environment and routine. Of course, he wants to stay where he is already acclimated or go home to his house, which he also knows. A "new place" is kind of scary. Help him by making the move as easy as possible and make the "new home" more similar to what he already knows. He will not be happy until he adjusts to the "new home", but it will happen with time.
Annabox, you know what he enjoys and his temperament, find a continuing care facility that he can get his needs met at and not have to be moved as his care needs increase.
Some places are better than others, go have lunch, talk to the residents and staff, other visitors and get their opinion on the care. I also think that the food is important. Feeding seniors pig slop when they are paying thousands of dollars a month is a HUGE red flag for me. Means they don't care if they are meeting nutritional requirements and that means a pretty unhealthy group of people. Nutrition is so important as we age.
I know how hard this is for you. I bawled like a baby having to pick a facility that my dad could afford and having to move him in, it's not natural to be the authority for our parents. Unfortunately you have come to the place that you must. He is no longer able to make informed decisions, his executive function is not there. Hugs! You can do this.
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