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Dad is 78 with slight dementia. He’s stubborn as stubborn gets - always has been. He lived alone an hour away from me until December 2018, when he went into the hospital because he couldn’t walk. Since then, he’s been in a rehab facility, then back in the hospital, then in February, to a different rehab facility. To this day that is where he’s remained - NOT on Medicare anymore, but now private pay. He hates it. His room is down the hall from LTC so he’s resorted to “helping” with patients and saying he works there. I’ve taken him to visit 2 beautiful assisted livings close to my home. He says he likes them but wouldn't want to live there. He wants to go home. Truth is, he can’t. 80% of the time he’s in a wheelchair and his house is not equipped for that. He also wants to drive again. Not happening. Soooooo every day we have the same conversation...... he’s packed and ready to leave. Could I help him and bring him home. It breaks my heart when I have to have this conversation but I do because for my own sanity, I have to get off this crazy train. I try to explain to him how much better a small apartment in assisted-living would be. He said “you” think it would be better. I don’t. I beg him to just try..... but then he says I'm happy where I am. It’s fine here. But tomorrow comes and we’re back to the same conversation. I can’t take it. He’s always hated change and I’m starting to believe that the dementia has very little to do with it. Even when we’ve gone to see 3 assisted livings, so he could choose which one he likes best, he still goes back to the decision being mine to move to one. I don’t even know how to handle this anymore. I’be never been a controlling person (even in a case like this, when I know the decision to be in AL is best.). Many people would have just moved their parent by now because they know it’s for the best, but I just can’t. By leaving him where he is, is doing nothing for his QOL, not to mention MY QOL! I visit all the time to give him social interaction, but it’s consuming me. Please please please give me your thoughts! Side note, the facility where he is now, offers me no help at all. They would love for him to stay there for the $ he’s paying. They tell him he works there and they barely pay any attention to him at all. He has to move. Bottom line. Ugh

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I think your Dad is no longer capable of making this decision. I think it has much more to do with his dementia than you realize. Are you his POA or guardian? Is all of that taken care of at all? If it is not you have zero power in all of this, and cannot do it against his will. I think one key may be that you tell him you cannot visit as often as the impact of the hours on the road to get to him is too tough on your busy life.
You have done everything you can. If he doesn't allow you to help in this, and if you have no power to act, there is nothing you can do, and the more you PUSH, with his personality, the harder he will fight you.
I would try to attract the bees by moving the honey. Visit much less. Tell him you long for the day he will agree to move closer where you can see him every day and help him more, but that you won't make the decision for him.
If you have POA, and if you want it you should be getting it now, when he is less capable you can move him, but at that point the choices may also be less attractive. Wishing you luck. Hope you update us.
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AT1234 Sep 2019
In the end I’d make all the arrangements and get on with it.
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Besides the advice above, pray hard for help. When things seem impossible, turn to the One who can do anything
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Of course he’s happy where he is. He doesn’t like change, all his needs are met, he’s familiar with the place, he’s oblivious to how much it’s costing, and doesn’t care about the toll it’s taking on you. Or maybe he doesn’t know about the toll on you? Have you told him You can’t continue on like this? Would it matter to him? Have you laid out the finances of how much this rehab place must be costing and how AL would be better for him and conserve his resources longer? Would he understand that?
I’m afraid somebody is going to have to be the adult in the room and decide what is best for him. He’s already told you that the decision is yours to make, so you’ve already won 99% of the battle! Make the decision and go for it!
Having POA will definitely help with the paperwork etc so if you don’t have that already, now is the time.
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You do understand that you are not helping your father by not making this decision for him. He has asked you to. You are part of the problem, not the solution. He has asked you to make the decision, do it...for him, stop going round and round, nothing is being accomplished.

I also agree with the others, stop going there so often, being a helicopter caretaker is not the answer.

Your father is fortunate to have such a caring daughter, now do the right thing for him, turn the decision into a positive, as it is not a negative.
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I think the "attract the bees by moving the honey" is brilliant advice! If he wants to stay put and he's happy in his "job", you can get on with your life, all the while preparing for the time when you can move him.

And by the way, @Annabox, you sound like a wonderful, loving daughter. Your dad is blessed to have you in his corner, even if he doesn't realize it.
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rovana Sep 2019
But if the status quo is not financially workable?  Then the questions of continuing the status quo is answered - not feasible.
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I was thinking what AlvaDeer already wrote. Visit less often. Dad has had no chance to accustom himself to his situation because sounds like you’re always there trying to make things better for him and pressing him to make a decision. Try going a week with no visit. If he asks where you were, tell him you had car trouble. Allow him to be on his own for a while. Things may resolve themselves.
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AT1234 Sep 2019
No, tell him you went on VACATION had a wonderful time!
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I have to agree with everyone else here, by me not visiting my dad as often as I was in the beginning, I have found that by following everyone's advice to not visit as often has been a godsend. Dad tells me how much he hates being there but then there's the nurse and CNAs that tell me he goes to activities and comes out in the day room to play dominoes and checkers with the other residents and even eats out there once in a while. Trying to deflect his questions is going to be a bit difficult but it works - like just the other day, my father looked at me and the first thing out of his mouth was "you're fat" - of course it hurt my feelings terribly but I just looked at him and said, pardon me here - I said f*** you! And we laughed about it, but I still got hurt. It's going to happen more I know, I just have to ready myself for it.

Good luck with your father, and take these suggestions to heart, they will really help you!
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2019
Lacey, if he says that again, you can tell him, "Oh yeah! Well you are ugly, at least I can diet!"

My dads family are all large people yet comment on my weight every time I see them. Really! It's good to see you too. (By the way, I am the smallest person in the house and I still get criticized for my weight)
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You have definitely explained the problem well. Dad needs to move because it is unaffordable. TELL HIM. Take him to see the best 2 ADLs you have selected in advance, Ask which ADL he likes best, then make arrangements to move him there. Side note, make sure that he can move from ADL to full care as needed.

Dementia patients always need consistency in their environment and routine. Of course, he wants to stay where he is already acclimated or go home to his house, which he also knows. A "new place" is kind of scary. Help him by making the move as easy as possible and make the "new home" more similar to what he already knows. He will not be happy until he adjusts to the "new home", but it will happen with time.
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DILKimba Sep 2019
Excellent advice! That’s exactly what we did!
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I think some posters are missing the point, he is acclimated to his current facility, BUT he can't stay, he has to move to a more affordable place.

Annabox, you know what he enjoys and his temperament, find a continuing care facility that he can get his needs met at and not have to be moved as his care needs increase.

Some places are better than others, go have lunch, talk to the residents and staff, other visitors and get their opinion on the care. I also think that the food is important. Feeding seniors pig slop when they are paying thousands of dollars a month is a HUGE red flag for me. Means they don't care if they are meeting nutritional requirements and that means a pretty unhealthy group of people. Nutrition is so important as we age.

I know how hard this is for you. I bawled like a baby having to pick a facility that my dad could afford and having to move him in, it's not natural to be the authority for our parents. Unfortunately you have come to the place that you must. He is no longer able to make informed decisions, his executive function is not there. Hugs! You can do this.
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jacobsonbob Sep 2019
"Pig slop"--now I know how to describe some of the meals at my mother's NH! She tends not to have much of an appetite, so even when there is something that's appetizing she still only goes for the candied fruit and coffee. Sometimes I eat the food if it's something appetizing. By the way, I've noticed that her current facility doesn't seem to care who eats the food (unless they realize she doesn't eat it) while one she was in before (and my father, too) wanted to know if I ate it so they would know that my parent didn't.
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You didn't mention if you had siblings? If so, share this responsibility. If not, allow me to share a friends experience. He, as an only son, had to make the decision to move his mom to an assisted living place. She went reluctantly and kicking and screaming. My friend felt awful. Within 3 months of her move, she was involved with the welcoming committee at the place! Always looked forward and dressed up for the community dinner every night! Hang in there.
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