Hi, My mother is 92 and lives alone. She has very early stage dementia but still manages to live independently (and has voiced her opinion that she wants to live independently in her own home).
I am the only child and live across the country, still work, and must travel a lot for my work. I pay for my mother's groceries, most of her utilities, property tax, house cleaning, lawn work, and the very limited amount of home care I can provide. I call before work at lunch and after work to supervise something like laundry and taking her meds and just to talk.
I am getting worn out. Everyone suggests assisted living or more at-home care, but I have already had to go into my 401K retirement for the last two years to help pay her costs and I am worried now that I will be out on the street when I retire. My mom lives in Pennsylvania and Medicaid does not cover assisted living or any part of it nor does it cover home care. She can't live with me as I have only a one bedroom and can't afford a bigger place.
Is there anything I can do? I am worn out and depressed and am almost broke. I am almost 70 myself and have hip arthritis and have some of my own problems to deal with at this stage of life, as well. I am concerned that I will need to retire soon, but my 401 K will be eaten up with elder care for my mom.
How did this start? Your Mom must be getting Social Security and has Medicare. At 92, her mortgage has been paid off for at least 25 years.
Why are you paying for Mom's groceries? Her utilities and property taxes?
Even worse, paying for her housekeeper and gardener? Are you kidding me?
You must have a $120K salary to fork that over to your Mom, sitting in a paid off house. No wonder she wants to stay home and "needs no help!" She has YOU footing the bills! Mom has been taking advantage of you way too long.
How is she "managing her life independently" when she doesn't pay for it? Mom is NOT independent at all, she is a basic Freeloader. She needs to be cut off, the sooner the better. You are her Cash Cow, and now finally realize your retirement money has been drained that you'll need for yourself! She can survive on Social Security, without a gardener and maid, of course.
She must have thousands stashed in the bank during her lovely FREE RIDE she's been on....that YOU have financed! First, I would fire the lawn guy, next the housekeeper. Apply for Food Stamps for her next. She has her mortgage paid off (probably when she was in her late 60s) so she can pay her own damn property taxes!
Tell Mom the next call that you have been crunching numbers, because you need to retire....have the numbers ready. Tell her you discovered that YOU CAN'T, because you have been basically supporting her luxuries (and more) with your 401k! Your LIFE SAVINGS. Your doctor told you time to retire, your health demands it. Now you are devastated that you can't afford it!
So guess what, Mom? The extras like lawn mowing and housekeeping will be cut first. You will get her on Food Stamps to help with groceries. Then apply for the Low Income Senior discount on all her utilities (water, electricity, and trash). You should be able to save yourself about $1,000 a month easy. SO THAT IS YOUR PLAN, PERIOD. You will put that amount back into your 401k every month, starting JULY 1st. It will take you about 4-5 more years to finally retire if your company matches your deposits!
Spell it out in plain English. Figure out how much you've given her over X years, and let her know your estimate! You will never be able to get it back where you were, but you must focus on what you must do in order to retire. I'd love to know her reaction!
"Sorry Mom, it didn't hit me until now how much I've spent on you the last X amount of years. You will have to make do, until you downsize into an affordable place. I simply cannot pay your way anymore."
Then, you need to get a lawyer to help set Mom up in a facility, or Board & Care. You have to lay down the law. Be strong, be blunt. Admit you blew it being overly generous. She won't be able to argue.
I wish you luck beyond words!
Then she will / may be financially qualified for gov't assistance ... while we still have it.
You need to hire an attorney asap.
Get her moved into a facility or board and care.
Transitions like this are hard. You need to STOP depleting yourself emotionally, psychologically, and financially.
If you need to, hire an ind social worker to manage all this on site since you live out of the area.
Gena / Touch Matters
Who will pay for YOUR care.
You need an entire lifetime to save enough money for your own care.
What your mom wants at this stage (staying home) counts for nothing. It is time now to go into the safety of the care she NEEDS now.
Your CHOICE (and it is a choice) to spend your funds on your mom now is very poor decision making and will come back to bite you hard in your old age. I know I am not the first to have told you that. Your mother's assets pay her own care until they cannot, and then she relies on the help of the state to fund her care. If you are here to tell me she HAS no assets then I would caution you to look hard at what this looks like, and to not expect your children to pay for YOUR care in your age; I am hoping they know better than to do that.
I am sorry to sound so tough. My heart goes out to you. But what you need now is hard honesty, especially between your mom and yourself. Go to visit her with family leave and assess the situation. Be honest with her that you must save for your old age yourself and cannot continue to pay. If there is a home, then sell it and downsize so she can rent a small efficiency while she can still manage; the next step would be in facility care. No one is happy about that and it's worth mourning, but you will soon be as in need of funds as she is, and with a much longer road ahead of you. My heart goes out to you and I wish you good luck.
You realize that your Mom is currently not independent, no matter what she says: not financially, for sure and not managerially, since you are organizing and overseein her home maintenance. In no way should you continue to prop her up or support her financially. I know it becomes a dilemma when our elders outlive their savings. I just buried my Aunt who passed at 105, living in her own home still, with all her mind and still mobile with a walker. She was single her whole life with no kids of her own, and had retired in 1977 to take care of her own Mother, who passed at 96 and never worked in her life. I was my Aunt's PoA and lived on oppose sides of the country. She was running out of money and on my last trip to check in on her and figure out the money part she had a stroke and passed. She expressed that she wanted to stay in her home no matter what, but I knew in my heart I was not ever going to pay for her care.
FYI I don't think Medicaid pays for AL or MC in any state.
It would help a lot to know if you are your Mom's PoA and if you're joint on any of her banking, primarily checking and savings accounts.
Her dementia is progressive. She will need facility care since she can't afford in-home aids and the only source of income for her now will be from selling her house and other assets (if she has a car, etc). You may not be able to do a real estate transaction or any banking for her if you're not her PoA. You may not be able to get her into a facility without being her PoA. So, is there any possibility that you can go see her for about a week or 2 to set this up?
If you are never able to become her PoA then the other options is you pursuing guardianship through the courts -- but then you are 100% financially responsible for her (and can sell her house to fund her care), or you allow the courts to assign her a 3rd party legal guardian and they take care of her placement, decisions, management of her affairs and paying for it. But, you will probably not be inheriting the house, or if you do it will have a Medicaid lien on it for the next owner to clear.
Please let us know if you are her PoA and what you are willing/able to do to work towards appropriate care for your Mom. At this point, there aren't any perfect solutions anymore, just "least bad" options.
The house she is in can be sold to pay for her care.
Application for Medicaid
Any facility that you select should be one that will accept Medicaid after her funds are gone.
We all want to live in our homes, want to live independently but that is not always possible when something like an illness becomes a determining factor when it comes to safety.
for now...mom should be on "food stamps"
you should contact utilities and make sure she is on a "senior or low income plan" that can help defray costs.
if her property taxes have not been "frozen" due to age or other exemptions that may be in her area that should be done.
If you do not have cameras installed you probably should so that if something happens you will be aware of it. (would hate to know that mom fell and you did not know about it until the next day or even the following day when she does not answer your call)
Are you POA? Are you legally able to make decisions for her? If it becomes unsafe for her to remain at home alone can you place her in Memory Care?