My mom (100) lives with her partner (90) in her apartment with two alternating "full time" aides, who basically cook and give meds. Very little else is done for her. She sits in front of the TV all day and, as she puts it "suffers." Our financial situation has gotten more challenging, as our long term aid has run out and the health care company has raised their prices. My brother and I are looking into AL near him or me so that we can visit her without the long, exhausting drives our current situation now require. The big dilemma, which we know will cause drama, is how to relay this information to her boyfriend. His family lives near them. I am very concerned about my brother's condition. He is on the list for a heart transplant and I don't want him to have to be so far away from our mother. I also don't want all of our money to go into caring for her, as I cannot afford it myself. Mom's partner is a very controlling individual and a man with a hot temper. He loves her, but his heart is breaking as he sees her deteriorating more and more from her Parkinson's disease and dementia. I have POA. I'm just putting this out there. I love my mom very much and know it would be heartbreaking for her to separate from her partner, as she has relied on him for years. My heart is breaking now.
Neither your brother nor you should be spending money on your mother’s care.
You have POA. Your mother says she “ suffers” all day in front of the TV . She can do the same in a facility either near you or where she lives now so her boyfriend can visit. If Mom hasn’t got the funds for AL or her needs or more than AL can provide look into SNF and Medicaid.
I’m sorry but not many options for Mom since she needs fulltime aides. Mom may want to still live near her partner so he can visit . I would ask her.
You cannot conceivably keep up with either the cost or the physical caregiving and travel you are doing.
Someone who is transplanted needs solid one on one care also, and for some time after transplant. A transplant team will not consider anyone for transplant who doesn't have this care in place.
This is a case where the children way well die before the parent. Where will that leave the unplaced parent? Well, not in a good place if the remaining caregiver is 90 generally.
I would not take her from her loved one to be by you. But she must be placed and he can either accept placement with her or visit her daily knowing she is cared for. You can visit when you can and return to being a child, not a caregiver.
I don't see any option but placement. But no one can make that choice but you; you are the one with POA.
If the boyfriend is controlling, I'm not sure I'd tell him you are about to remove her permanently from the home... you will have to gauge that situation. But I would consider telling his family/PoA in advance, giving them the move-out dates.
The only other option is for him to move with her. If you think he can handle this decision (and is able to make it on his own) then he can decide if he goes with her. Otherwise there is now no other option.
Who is currently paying for the aids? I hope it's not you or anyone else who is not your Mom or the boyfriend...?
Before you move her I would consult with a Medicaid Planner for your home state, then maybe consult with her doctor to see if she qualifies for LTC, which is covered by Medicaid (if she also qualifies financially). My MIL is in a very lovely LTC facility where she gets great care and lots of social exposure.
Please do not pay for any of her care going forward... it is unfair to yourself and your family and totally unsustainable unless you have very robust financial resources.