Help after death?

there is nothing to be afraid of ,,,
i believe i was brought back from a death grip its because i can say this " i been there done that" death has not age restriction or any other restriction you afraid
of you moms dying you don't think it could be you dying first ? what then just take care of her & make shore there is another person that you would think would take care of her just the same anyways is not about dying but is about living life everyday as if was the last day on earth i could say this since i lost my dear Brother recently to this pandemic do not abandon you relatives expect stranger to take care of business
even recovering my bros Body was an agenda ,,,
Families got to stick together from beginning to end
no fear no love,,,

Clarlady, your profile mentioned that you do see a therapist but need help setting boundaries. I think the trick might be to ensure YOU believe in those boundaries. Think about it for a couple of days and jot ideas down before giving yourself a dedicated block of time to write. Articulate what you want your life to be like, how you deserve respect and equal power in your relationships, how it is necessary that you enjoy living this life you've been given. Say what you need to be happy. Keep the points brief and positive. Work on it a couple of times till you see how very reasonable and unassailable your mission statement is.
And then set it up as a recurring diary note on your phone - every other day to begin with, then every third day. (After a while, you'll get lazy and stop reading it, but force yourself to take a moment and read it all.) You'll find that you really believe it, and it will help you be matter-of-fact about enforcing your boundaries with your mum.
l got a good takeaway from a counsellor that might be good for you too:
"You can't make anyone who you needed them to be."

Clarlady: I am so very sorry to hear of the death of your dear father. This is a difficult time for you and perhaps you will think differently about your mother - in time. Don't place any more heavy burdens on yourself right now. Prayers and virtual hugs sent.

You don't mention if your mother is living at home or in an assisted living facility, and whether she has help with household tasks, etc. The first thing you must do is to make sure that she is in a safe place and capable of taking care of herself, or is in a place that will take care of her. Eventually, you'll have to help her dispose of your father's possessions, and will have to find out if she wants to downsize. It may be too soon to have that discussion now.

Hospice provides survivor couseling and grief recovery group for up to a year. You can go with her. Most medical suppliment programs provide psychological help for what (past stuff) you are dealing with.

Hi
Yes that’s something everyone deals with.
I did the same for my dad when my mom passed after a long illness.
I knew that he was the primary caretaker during her illness. He wouldn’t let me help other than visiting and very light duties.
When my mom passed I recommended grief counseling for him because he was never easy to talk to about loss and he would lash out at me who was also grieving.
He never considered that I lost a parent too.
I ended up pulling away because it was doing him nor I any good to argue. We both needed time to heal.

My dad had no other activities other than my mom. As time went on he was forced to socialize more and he even took guitar lessons.
He was always included in our family gatherings with my son and daughter . I worked all the years after my moms death and that created boundaries. My dad was emotionally needy but didn’t appreciate what I was doing for him.
It is what is is You do what you can and that’s all you can do. You have your own responsibilities and your own life to live.
I’m 63 now and I understand that my children have their own lives to live. I see them when it’s good for all of us but I’m not emotionally needy.
I stay busy on my own with my work and personal life.
Good luck
Set some boundaries early on so your mom knows what to expect.

sorry for the loss of your father, mine also just passed this May.  Is there anyway you could get a caregiver to come in several times a week for a couple hours to sit with her and talk.  sometimes that is all they need.  I am sure she is very lonely and needs someone to be around her.  Is there anyone else in your family (siblings,cousins,aunts,uncles) that could come visit her 1 or 2 times a week on a rotating basis until things settle down?  If not, check into a type of senior visitors or caregiving.  It does not sound selfish if you were emotionally abused.......this type of abuse cannot be seen (like the physical), it takes a lot longer for the emotional abuse to heal (if ever).  Have you got counseling for yourself?  Check with an office of aging for some guidance.  Wishing you luck.

Do you think it is reasonable to visit her every day? If not - and what is reasonable is for YOU to decide - then I don't think you should establish the precedent. Don't go every day. This week, go every other day. Next week, go twice. The following week, go twice. Thereafter, whatever pattern has been normal.

Does your mother have any identifiable care or support needs? This is a separate question from the question of what part you are prepared to play in meeting them.

Cit the visits down slowly from every day to every other day then every 4 days then once a week.

Start taking her to meetings of other Seniors that have lost their spouse.

Is she mentally competent, other than the BPD? Start weaning her off of daily visits to every other day for a week or so , then every 3 days for a couple weeks, until you see her at a frequency you can handle. If she needs somebody to look in on her frequently, consider hiring a companion and use dad's life insurance money to pay for it. If she has advanced dementia or is mentally incompetent, please consider more permanent help such as home health aides through an agency or residential facility.

Please consider seeing a therapist. You need to process the past and be able to find ways to cope with the present. Your mom will probably never change, but you don't have to feel like a captive in this relationship.

In July you wrote: "4 weeks ago I went 'No Contact' with her, and am starting to feel happy and hopeful again for the first time in 51 years."

Understandably, you are back to square 1 because of your father's death. (Just curious, when you were no contact with her, how did you maintain contact with your dad? Was he in a facility?)

Are you an only child? Is there other family? You don't have to be the one to provide her support. The longer you let it go on, the harder it will be. Maybe your therapist can help you set up a very quick weaning schedule?

So feel for you am in a similar situation with my dad on hospice care since July - am totally overwhelmed. With all my dads issues right now what causes me more stress is dealing with my mom. He will be a big loss for me never said a mean word, I have confidence and a backbone because of him thankfully. She has always been negative, difficult and blamed everyone else for her misery never a kind word. Of course our relationship is awful and I take the bait as it's so hard not to when never a kind word is said. How does none respond when she say why do I need to say I'm sorry so what if I said that what's the big deal. I am an only child and the sole caretaker of both. I will get through it but it terrifies me.

Good morning, I’m 55 and I have always been my mothers therapist for as long as can remember. She’s very negative and dwells on everything and anything that has made her unhappy throughout her life. My Dad passed almost 11 years ago and now apparently I’m the whipping post. She must have been giving it to him. Now she’s 86 and pretty much wants me to stop my life and “sit” with her. I work, have a husband, daughter and in laws. I can’t visit everyday because it really upsets me. She’s her own worst enemy. The victim, the martyr and very passive aggressive. Cries all the time, her doctor says yes she has cognitive decline but recommends a psychiatrist. FINALLY! Now she doesn’t want to do that, of course. I have no answers, I wish I did. Just sharing my story in hopes that you will see you are not alone. 🙏🏻

Lots of good advice above. I would set your boundaries now. Really think about how much time or how you want to interact with your mother. Get POA in place if you haven’t already. Is talking on phone easier for you or in person interaction? How many times a week works for you and what days? How long? Determine what role you are comfortable doing. These are totally your decisions. Decide now. Write them down for personal clarification. Hire help for her as needed to give you distance physically and emotionally. See what services in your area provide services to the elderly? Meals on wheels? Cleaning, etc. You are the one in control of the participation you are ready to give. Get her doctor involved with any diagnosis. They will be pivotal in getting her into an assisted living facility as her faculties decline. Be realistic. Be kind and gradually implement YOUR decisions so it seems like a natural transition. Best of luck. You can do this.

For what it's worth you're most certainly NOT being selfish.

After 51 years, now is not the time to demand so called boundaries! Your father just died, for heavens sake. Give the woman a break, give her your shoulder to cry on and gradually withdraw as the situation demands. It sounds like your mother really didn’t like you and will go her own way as she starts to adjust. It also sounds like you don’t like her. Your father’s death isn’t going to change that.

If your mother was abusive, why didn’t your supposedly better parent of a father stop your mother from making you an emotional punching bag? You say she is undiagnosed BPD. Why didn’t your father demand that she seek treatment? If your father was passive and also a punching bag, perhaps this explains it but it doesn’t explain why he didn’t step up and effectively protect or aggressively defend you these last 51 years. You need to start rethinking the role both of your parents played in your abuse, and now that he is gone, you will do it anyway.

After about a year, a frank discussion about your mother’s mental health issues and her abusive treatment is in order. There are drugs that can really help with BPD if she actually has it and you should demand that she seek treatment as a condition of any continuing relationship. Start changing the way you react to her abuse immediately. Confront the behavior as it happens and tell her in no uncertain terms that her way of attacking you is finished. All child abusers share one trait in common...infantile ego development. This trait will not change but you can start giving her a taste of her own medicine after the grieving period is over. Like all bullies, confronting them and treating them to an immediate checkmate will, if nothing else, intimidate her into being nicer to you. As it happens, you’ll find that parents who bully their children are much more easily intimated than you might imagine, especially when they are vulnerable. Tell her how you feel about how she has treated you and perhaps your dad. She’s dependent on you now. You can change the dynamic if you want to, finally live your on your own terms, and make it clear that you will help her find assisted living resources when the time comes, but she is never going to live with you or drag you down ever again. Yes, this is work and will require you to change too. Your mother knows she was an abusive parent and if she denies it, be ready with a lifetime of examples to illustrate it.

Then tell her it’s time to start planning the next step now before she is too infirm to make her own plans. My guess is that you’ll find that putting your relationship on an honest equal footing will clear away years of emotional debris and you both may end up liking each other better for it.

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet father. You are very kind to show compassion to your mother at this point in time.

My mom and dad were married well over 50 years and adored each other. I never once saw my dad leave the house without kissing my mom goodbye. Each time he came back home he kissed my mom.

I thought that mom would have a very hard time adjusting to life without my dad but she surprised me. She didn’t excessively impose on me more than needed and I appreciated that because I am married and was busy raising two daughters.

I called often. She had already stopped driving due to her Parkinson’s disease so I already drove her to doctor appointments, did her shopping and other errands.

I would let her know what days that I was available to provide what she needed.

When I asked my mom if she wanted to move in with us after my father died, she said no. I respected her decision and continued to do the things that she needed on my schedule.

You have the upper hand in this matter and it looks like you are handling it just fine.

You already know what you want. I wish I had known. I thought that I was completely responsible for mom because I promised my father that I would take care of mom so years later after she lost her home in Hurricane Katrina I asked her again to move in with us.

This time her answer was that she was too old to rebuild her home so she agreed. I wish that I could have found an assisted living facility for her. She didn’t have the funds for that. She was traumatized as everyone in New Orleans was after the devastation from Katrina which was no ordinary storm. It was a violent hurricane and the flooding was severe due to the levees breaking. Mom had nine feet of water in her home. She had no flood insurance because it wasn’t required. The only reason her home flooded was because the levee broke.

She had nothing left but the few clothes that she packed for our evacuation to Houston.

It’s a whole new ball game having a parent live in your home. You are sharing your private space, plus your family. It’s a challenge to be sure. She continued to live with us for 15 years and it didn’t get easier. It became harder as the years went by.

Since mom is no longer in my home but still cared for with hospice I fully realize it was a mistake to have her live with us. I love her but like you I have had my difficult times with my mom. It doesn’t serve anyone well in those circumstances.

Don’t second guess yourself. You sound as if you know your limitations of what you desire to give and receive in your relationship with her. Honor your feelings and the two of you will benefit from your decision.

Take care.

I was close to my Mom and I set boundries. She may not of even noticed. She still drove after Dads death and had Church and friends. Eventually though she had to quit driving. So we picked a day I would take her shopping and run errands. I took her to Church on Sunday. Living in the same town I could pick things up for her when it was convenient to me.

I was the oldest and a girl. I lived in the same town so I had always done for my parents. But always if and when I could unless an emergency. So boundries came easy and Mom was not demanding.

Start backing away. Like said 5 days this week, 4 days the next week. Explain to Mom you cannot be her everything. You have a life of your own. That you will not be at her beck and call. You cannot be Dad. Do not allow any abuse. When she gets started, hang the phone up, walk out the door. You can be there for her if you want that but on your terms not hers. Boundries now or it will be so hard to set them later. Also, make her understand that you will not be her Caregiver. Just won't work with ur history.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear father. Set down some firm boundaries with your mom asap. For instance, I will see you on Sundays from 1-3 pm, or whatever you decide would be appropriate, and I'll call you on thus-and-such days as well. If you need anything in the meantime, please let me know.

I was fortunate in that when my father passed away 5 years ago, both of my folks were living in a beautiful ALF, so my very needy, very clingy, very un-independent mother was able to entertain herself with the other residents about a week after her 'grieving' was finished. Otherwise, she'd have been dependent upon ME for 100% of her daily entertainment, and I'd have needed a game plan of my OWN to follow!

Start to cut down your daily visits by 1 or 2 hours a day starting NOW, and by another hour every day until you stop the daily visits entirely. Your mother will need to develop a routine of her own now that he's gone, and she wont' be able to do that with you around all the time.

Wishing you the very best of luck with a difficult situation.

Mom needs you more now then anytime she may in the near future her life has been turned upside down and seems uncertain of what to do next. Someday she also will be gone. Maybe the two of you can get some counseling together to go through your grief and have anetter life together finding out why she treated you the way she did. There is no excuse, but I bet you will find something about her past that will surprise you and help you understand where she is coming from. Give her some phone numbers to a few counselors that deals with grief if you do not wish to go with her. Do not leave her to her own devices at this time in her life and just maybe it will help you too. Plant a tree or flowers for your father and send some balloons up to him with a few prayers to help you and mom.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I also recently lost my dad and know the hole it leaves, and I share a family member who isn’t mentally well. I’ve long ago had to use good boundaries to help me know the right way to cope. I highly recommend the Boundaries book by Townsend and Cloud, it’s a big help. You’re not being insensitive, your own well-being is crucial, guard it carefully. I wish you the best

Clarlady, you are really SMART so I have every hope you are going to be fine. You are honest. You are bright. You have the picture already. You gave us clearly the whole thing in one paragraph, your history, your mother's, your love of your father now gone, what your limitations are and why. You are so far AHEAD OF THE CURVE I can't even begin to believe it. Stay here. As a hope and as a teacher to others, would be my wish for you.
Again. You are going to be fine. You already know what you have to do. That is to do the best you are able for the sake of your Dad and in his memory to provide what support you can to a Mom who was not there for YOU in any real way. Out of mercy. And to determine that you have made your own life and you will continue to live it.
I can wish you the best, but I truly believe to my soul that "you got this".
Stick around and update us as you go. There will be moments of grief when you see the real nature of what your Mom was. A sad creature with her own limitations, who sadly could not provide as a Mom must. You will be able to forgive her, to grieve that you don't have TWO LIVES so you could give one away, and to have some inner peace with some moments of grief and forgiveness.
Take good care. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad who it seems you truly saw some love from. Again, hope you will stick around and share your life experience on the forum.

Sorry for the loss of your father. I know it's hard for both you and your mom, but you and her now deserve to get on with your own lives. It will be easier for you, I'm sure, but your mom will have to learn to stand on her own two feet sooner or later. And for your sake, I hope it's sooner.

Maybe you can get her connected with a Grief Support Group via Zoom, so she can share with others going through the same thing. And if she has any nice neighbors or friends, maybe you can ask them to just check on her periodically to give you a break.

It's time to set some healthy boundaries with mom, which it sounds like you never have up to this point. It's never too late. Wishing you the best.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. (((hugs)))

It's in no way selfish to want your own life. You might have put up with being a "punching bag" for 51 years, it doesn't mean you have to continue in that role for another 51 years!

As far as hanging in for "dad's sake" - oh, honey. If you believe in an afterlife, then believe your dad is in such a wonderful place that all Earthly cares fall away. If you don't believe, then your dad is beyond caring what happens anymore (sorry if that sounds harsh, I can't really thing of a proper euphemistic way of putting it).

Sometimes, the death of a family member is a perfect time to begin what will be a new normal. In your case, start setting some boundaries. I think you might have to rethink your couple more weeks of visiting every day. Start weaning her down. Maybe 5 visits this week, 3 the next, and so on. If you get her used to your being there every day, the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to cut the rope, so to speak. And while visiting, if she begins to abuse you, cut the visit short..."mom, I understand you're grieving and angry, but I will not allow you to take your anger out on me any longer. I'll see you _________."

You have every right to defend yourself against her manipulations.

Good luck!

She may want to cling but you don't have to allow it, just say no. When my father died I wasn't unsympathetic to hearing my mother's fears but it never even occurred to me to disrupt my life to hold her hand, instead I advised her to place a big pillow in the empty place beside her in bed and I added some extra locks to her doors. Death and loss are part of the human condition and sooner or later everyone has to deal with it, your mother's loss is not unique and like every other widow she can and must learn to live on her own.

BTW, I'm sorry for your loss, don't forget to be kind to yourself too