Has anyone cut all contact with aging parents? My 93 year old mom has diagnosed borderline personality disorder & my father has always catered to her crazy behavior. I’ve been the scapegoat kid & my 62 year old brother the golden child. In life, it’s been the opposite. Have done better educationally & financially.

Have been with my parents 2 days a week to help with shopping & dr’s visits. It was 4 days a week for 3 years due to various serious health issues. They are better for now & can manage fairly well. I also cut back because my mom was impossible to be with. Her verbal abuse is horrible.

My home is 40 miles away & my brother 10 miles. He makes every excuse not to help. He has the summer off as a teacher. My mom is fine with his excuses. He stops by for Sunday dinner 2 hrs a week. Mom cooks & he does not even wash his own dishes.

My dad is part owner of some valuable land along with the family of his late brother (two male cousins). I was promised 25% of it all my life once my dad passes.

I am here with my parents now. Last night I found out my brother and cousins have talked my father & mother into cutting me out. My crime? Not being with them full-time, cutting back to 2 days a week & not helping my mom cook Sunday dinner to serve my brother.

Am outraged. I want nothing to do with them anymore. Tired of the double-standard, tired of my brother’s corrosive envy, tired of my mother’s nasty abuse, & tired of my dad’s implicit acceptance of me being crazy mom’s whipping post.

Has anyone simply left never to return? I plan on leaving tomorrow & telling my mom never to call me again.

I feel like a stupid chump for being used & fooled.

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There are a lot of amoral people in the world. Your family dynamics tells me you are not in that group just because you are able to contemplate walking away.

You are not a stupid chump - bad people just happen to be very good at hurting others.
Helpful Answer (30)
Isthisrealyreal Jun 2020
So true.
My husband cut off contact with his mother after she threatened to report him as abusive for telling her she needed to quit smoking. Walked out and didn't speak to her until she was days from death. He has no regrets.

Live without the craziness. Your mental health will improve, I promise.

Manipulative parents often use inheritances to manipulate.
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In all likelihood, the land will payf for end of life care. The siblings  are hoping to work you to the bone to preserve THEIR inheritance.  Cut and Run
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NancyInSc Jun 2020
"The siblings are hoping to work you to the bone to preserve THEIR inheritance.  "

Tell brother you are taking off the Summer. That he can take those two days over to help Mom and Dad. When September (in my State) comes around tell him you have enjoyed your time off so much, that you won't be coming back. Oh and thank you for being such a loving brother by trying to keep you from inheriting for not doing anything for Mom/Dad. Hopefully, he has seen how much you did do.
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Run, don’t walk. They will never change, and frankly your peace of mind is priceless, far more than some land. And do not look back.
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Cut and run, and do it fast.

They can't use you unless you allow yourself to be used

Don't let them bully you over an inheiritance.

I'm guessing you're female and they're just trying to impose old sexist beliefs on you.
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Have you noticed it is almost always the daughter? I got sick of the double standards too - from both my parents. They have you right there aswell. The power to use and abuse because we will always feel vulnerable, as we did as children. Then there is the social and cultural expectations and our ingrained sense of duty and loyalty. There is no getting around it though, some people do not deserve daughters like us and some siblings just don't care.
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marymary2 Jun 2020
And if you're a single, childless daughter who needs to work for a living and doesn't have much, it falls on her regardless of another daughter being a rich wife of leisure for decades with nothing but time for her pleasures - but no time to help my mother.
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Yes in your case it is perfectly acceptable to walk away.

When you leave today tell them you are no longer able to continue with the two days a week. It is too much for you and you don't appreciate being treated like unpaid help. The removal from the land shows you how much they value you. Not that this is about inheritance, no one is entitled...but to remove you as punishment for not doing more when you are already doing more than enough is just cold. Walk away and have a good life.
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This may seem a bit gutless, but I’d suggest that you do what you need to do without burning bridges unnecessarily. Just say that you won’t be able to continue with the jobs, answer the phone with ‘Sorry I have to go’, don’t visit, and let actions speak rather than words. If things do change in the future (unlikely but always possible), you won’t have a mountain of bitter anger to get over.
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MMasonSt Jun 2020
Thanks for that suggestion. I used that & the one below about it being my brother’s turn for the summer.

It’s not gutless, but smart. Am not out to burn bridges, but current situation is unbearable. He knows the truth; no need for me to repeat it.

A large burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I don’t plan to return for a long time.
I did it. 3 yrs ago gave up job and friends to live with Mom who was age 90. drove her, cooked for her, shopped, cleaned. She removed me from beneficiary list. Meanwhile my younger bro, who is the biological child, was living near the ocean, buying motorcycle, boat, cars and a truck. He traveled on vaca and did as he pleased without a thought of mom. Then one day when she was 93, he shows up at the her house and says "Mom doesn't like your cooking...I promised Dad I would take care of mom...go back to PA and get your life back," They had been talking behind my back....I was blindsided. I left ASAP.
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