Has anyone just cut & run from crazy, unreasonable parents?

My husband cut off contact with his mother after she threatened to report him as abusive for telling her she needed to quit smoking. Walked out and didn't speak to her until she was days from death. He has no regrets.

Live without the craziness. Your mental health will improve, I promise.

Manipulative parents often use inheritances to manipulate.

"My dad is part owner of some valuable land along with the family of his late brother ( two male cousins). I was promised 25% of it all my life once my dad passes.

I am here with my parents now. Last night I found out my brother and cousins have talked my father & mother into cutting me out. My crime? Not being with them full-time, cutting back to 2 days a week & not helping my mom cook Sunday dinner to serve my brother.

Am outraged. I want nothing to do with them anymore. Tired of the double-standard, tired of my brother’s corrosive envy, tired of my mother’s nasty abuse, & tired of my dad’s implicit acceptance of me being crazy mom’s whipping post."

Was it a verbal promise, or actually in a written will? Who told you your brother and cousins have talked your parents into cutting you out of the 25% inheritance of that land?

You posted back in September 2019: "Every week, I drive and help my parents grocery/Walmart shopping, drive them to the bank, take them to doctor appointments and sit in with the doctor & the parent so I understand their care needs, clean around the house, take them on little drives around the area so they don't get cabin fever, etc.

I have asked my brother to help. He says he will but never shows up. I've asked him kindly to meet with me go to discuss future care and any documents which need to be gone over for parents care. He puts it off.

He needs money from the inheritance. I don't. I do it out of concern but am totally burned out. I can't take care of two elderly people and do my own life.

If he has total POA, then I'm not sticking around. It's really unfair to not be told things. I feel used. "

You've continued to put up with the situation for an additional 8 1/2 months now. If things haven't gotten any better, then it really is okay to cut off contact. Look at it this way -- you have had the burden of parental caregiving for a long time now...they are over 90 years old.

As a daughter with three brothers, my time was also considered worthless (as apparently your parents consider yours). I was very resentful. I ended up being paid by one of the POA brothers (I was not made a POA, even though I was the only local sibling.) And I was given back pay, also. It made me treat the caregiving as a job, and removed a lot of the emotional stuff.

You are right that as a teacher he has plenty of time off to help your parents. He's making excuses that he's so busy, and your parents are falling for it. One of my three brothers was like this -- he was so "busy" that he couldn't see my mother for 23 months...and he was only a few states away!

Please update us as to what you decide. Just one suggestion -- when you say goodbye for good, please tell your parents exactly why.

Cut and run, and do it fast.

They can't use you unless you allow yourself to be used

Don't let them bully you over an inheiritance.

I'm guessing you're female and they're just trying to impose old sexist beliefs on you.

I did it. 3 yrs ago gave up job and friends to live with Mom who was age 90. drove her, cooked for her, shopped, cleaned. She removed me from beneficiary list. Meanwhile my younger bro, who is the biological child, was living near the ocean, buying motorcycle, boat, cars and a truck. He traveled on vaca and did as he pleased without a thought of mom. Then one day when she was 93, he shows up at the her house and says "Mom doesn't like your cooking...I promised Dad I would take care of mom...go back to PA and get your life back," They had been talking behind my back....I was blindsided. I left ASAP.

Yes in your case it is perfectly acceptable to walk away.

When you leave today tell them you are no longer able to continue with the two days a week. It is too much for you and you don't appreciate being treated like unpaid help. The removal from the land shows you how much they value you. Not that this is about inheritance, no one is entitled...but to remove you as punishment for not doing more when you are already doing more than enough is just cold. Walk away and have a good life.

CTTN55 is correct in asking if you know for a fact that there is a will and if it has now been altered. Who is your parent's DPoA? Perhaps your mom was mentally ill when younger but maybe now she has actual dementia. Is there a medical diagnosis in her or your dad's records? If so and he did change his will after the fact, then the will change could possibly be legally challenged. Do you know who is the executor of the will? Even if there is a will, and it stands as was originally promised, your family will probably contest it. If there's no will their estate (and that property) will go into probate and that's where you can seek equity, if you're up for it. You could contact an attorney to find out what your options actually are, rather than guessing and fretting. The promise of inheritance often drives people to behave badly and make terrible decisions, leaving family as collateral damage along the way. Bad parents use it as a tool to manipulate. You should have a movie night with your brother and cousins and watch "Knives Out", if you haven't already seen it. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart no matter the outcome.

I asked in September 2019 - there is no executor of the will and no one is POA of anything. My dad was adamant there was none. I told him what POAs do and told him it was necessary for their own well-being. He could pick either kid. I told him we need to see a lawyer to this. He said I could pay for a lawyer if I wanted it so badly. Don’t know if this is true or my brother is it.

My cousin called my dad and I overheard them talking about it for a minute. I felt it suspicious. I left and returned after the phone call to ask what was going on. My dad told me.

I don’t follow movies, but my brother made it a point a few times he was going to see Knives Out and said he had seen it a few times. He’s a movie junkie & never mentions movies by name he plans to see. I just read the synopsis. This is very weird of him to mention this.

Run, don’t walk. They will never change, and frankly your peace of mind is priceless, far more than some land. And do not look back.

Is there any possibility of having a reasonable conversation with just your dad or is he so easily manipulated that it would be fruitless? Just wondering if this would be productive before you drop out for good. And no one could blame you for leaving the mess behind and protecting your own mental health. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through

In all likelihood, the land will payf for end of life care. The siblings  are hoping to work you to the bone to preserve THEIR inheritance.  Cut and Run

I wish you peace with your decision to walk away.

If this is the thank you that you are receiving for all you have done then no one in their right mind will hold it against you.

Be sure and tell daddy dearest that HIS actions did this, so stuff the FOG poopie. Oops, I meant poppie, but I am going to leave the typo, it fits the situation 😁.

There are a lot of amoral people in the world. Your family dynamics tells me you are not in that group just because you are able to contemplate walking away.

You are not a stupid chump - bad people just happen to be very good at hurting others.

I am curious about the land. I know my Dad would happily stop me from inheriting my grandmother's property and let my brother inherit 100%, but the property is in a testamentary trust and Dad cannot change the terms of it.

How was it decided originally that your cousins, your brother and you would inherit it in equal portions? Did your grandparents set that up in their wills?

What is the plan for the valuable property? If you get your share, how will you get your value out of it?

BPD is so challenging and I cannot imagine being raise by someone with it and dealing with it into your 60's.

You do not owe Mum or Dad any of your time. I would sit down with Dad and let him know that due to the lack of respect from him, Mum and your brother for your time, that you can no longer provide any support. Let him know that cutting you out of the Will was the last straw. Document the meeting by recording audio, you may need it if your brother calls APS or when they die and the you have to contest the Will.

Also keep records of your brother's comments out Knives Out, it is a funny movie a bit of a spoof on Agatha Christie type Mysteries. The gist of the movie is an Author has propped up all his family for years and cuts them all out of the Will. A reversal of your situation, where you are propping up your parents with no support from anyone.

Tell brother you are taking off the Summer. That he can take those two days over to help Mom and Dad. When September (in my State) comes around tell him you have enjoyed your time off so much, that you won't be coming back. Oh and thank you for being such a loving brother by trying to keep you from inheriting for not doing anything for Mom/Dad. Hopefully, he has seen how much you did do.

This may seem a bit gutless, but I’d suggest that you do what you need to do without burning bridges unnecessarily. Just say that you won’t be able to continue with the jobs, answer the phone with ‘Sorry I have to go’, don’t visit, and let actions speak rather than words. If things do change in the future (unlikely but always possible), you won’t have a mountain of bitter anger to get over.

I did . I told my mother to stop calling . She accused me of stealing her belongings after my siblings hired a roll off and threw them all away in front of her eyes. I refused to help and stayed home but of course got the blame . I also got the calls when she was sick, wanted to go out, needed something but I found a nice assisted living for her and that’s where she went. She was safe, cared for and I talked to her a couple of time in the last two years of her life. For that she hated me but that was her choice. I had given her plenty of warnings that her behavior was wrong and unacceptable and the outcome if she continued but she chose to continue. Fortunately for me, my mother would never disinherit me ( way too public of an announcement showing her failure as a mother lol) and the majority of her assets she had in a bank account my daughter co owned with her so narcissistic sister couldn’t steal it all either. So now she’s compensating me for her years of cruelty. Not an even swap but at least something

Hate to be like this but if you know legally that the land/money is yours and you want to hang in there for that, fine. Otherwise I'd leave the situation.

I get the pain. My brother is the golden child and me ...I have always been the “kid” who mom felt had a bad life style despite a 30 year medical clinical career...supporting myself and raising a great daughter! She had a life manual??....one she never shared. There were rules for women but none for men. She hated I divorced an abusive male after 20 yrs.....felt I should have stayed like she did with my dad...she was jealous I was happy {has actually told me it is abnormal to be happy all the time}...it goes on and on..My mom also has a history of mental disorder. I stuck it out..I helped her the past two years while the golden one vacationed with a gal pal south. Just recently mom became paranoid, delusional...ended up in the hospital with a recommendation of memory care due to severe dementia. She had made me POA a few years ago....so I had her placed in a lovely home. I visit mom as allowed during Covid..Life is not always fair...I plan to do the right thing...Joyfully get her to her finish line with or without help... ....

Have you noticed it is almost always the daughter? I got sick of the double standards too - from both my parents. They have you right there aswell. The power to use and abuse because we will always feel vulnerable, as we did as children. Then there is the social and cultural expectations and our ingrained sense of duty and loyalty. There is no getting around it though, some people do not deserve daughters like us and some siblings just don't care.

OH my god. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. This thing where families cut each other out of wills is so mean and unnecessary. There is no reason for you to be punished, and you know that you've been a caring daughter.

You have to take care of yourself, and you can only deal with so much. Leave, but don't tell your mom to never call again. Leave yourself and them some space. Cut back or just don't go, for now.

If you feel like going in the future, you can. Your brother is the stupid chump and you know that. All you can say to yourself is that you did the right thing, and you know it. I think they all know it too.

Just don't call or come for a week a see what happens. I'm sure your brother will then be the one they call for help. Or they will hire a care aid. You'll see. It's because you are doing it, that's why they are doing it. When your mother talks to you abusively, tell her right then and there that she is being abusive and to stop and if she doesn't, tell her you are leaving. And if she doesn't stop, just abruptly leave. You are taking all this without protesting -- just walking away in that moment, not telling her in that moment she is abusive.

Forget the 25% and just walk away. It's not worth it. This scenario with your parents and brother will only get worse. You deserve a life free of abuse. Especially during the best years of your life. They will find other means without you. You don't think so now, but they will. You deserve better. You matter.

As probably the Most Normal One in my Family---It is left now just DAD Living. Call it Dysfunctional, dear.....I can relate. However, God has been Good to me. I am in NC and my Sister who rarely did Anything to be there for my Family---Is stuck with Sad and Bad Dad now as POA and Executive to the estate and caregiver. Yikes!!!!

I truly feel for you having a mother with BPD. I will try not to hijack your post here. Wanted to share my MIL has it and treats my husband, her only child, like garbage. I limit my interactions with her because she tries so hard to turn me against him or vice versa. Always a victim. That said, I can only imagine what you are going through.
As a mental health professional and someone who has been through the experience of losing a loved one and then having to deal with a contested estate, I recommend you step away even if only for a little while. How much longer can you deal with all you are dealing with? It is great that you provide care for them despite how they treat you but remember there is a saying that you can't pour from an empty cup. You need to take care of you.

So after reading a few of the answers it seems that to stick around would involve a lot of stress for you. If, as you say, you have done better financially and educationally then here's the bottom line. How badly do you need the income that land "might" provide. How much trouble would it be to separate from the whole parcel. Sometimes stipulations say you have to sell as a whole piece.
So overall you don't need the money, they are already plotting against you and Dad is too gutless (sorry but true) to stop the situation.
You COULD end up getting a LITTLE more money but it would be at the cost of your sanity and health. I say let them fight their petty squabbles and you just TAKE CARE OF YOU.

Sounds like you tried to do the right thing but the dysfunctional relationship is costing you your mental health. Detach and love them from a distance. Maybe you can use the summer break to find some a caregiver when your brother goes back to work. Finding care is still helping.

I once tried a 2 week separation. Mostly for my own well being and mental health. Nothing horrible happened to my parents while we were on hiatus. Perhaps you could try some form of this and let them see how much you already do for them.

I cut and ran from my narcissist abusive mother - me being the scapegoat child while my two older siblings, her golden children, did nothing to help her leaving it all to me. After I left, my mother went on a campaign to destroy me with every member of our extended family so now I have no one as they believe her lies. I fear our (yours, mine and other scapegoat children) lot is set and there's nothing we can do but move forward as best we can. If it's any consolation, if I read your post correctly, you're successful. Some of us were so damaged, our lives didn't turn out so well. I know your success is not ever going to take away the horrible hurt you have. I'm just trying to come up with something for you as I try for myself. Wishing you peace and happiness.

Yes, yes, yes. I have cut and run too-if only temporarily-i was spending 10-20 hours per month taking them to dr. office etc. When i cut them off from all extra duty-due to corona mostly. I did enjoy my time off from my crazy parents and lazy brother-sound familiar??? Brother lives closer than me-he has summers off as school bus driver. Does nothing for parents except take their money to support his lazy lifestyle. I had backed myself out of parents business chaos etc.-i had no guilt about this and felt like myself for the first time in years. -except to take dad to dr. office and/or mom do not drive, plus someone else needed to be in the dr. office to confirm meds, follow up appointments, new instructions etc.-which involved 2-3 visits per month. But now they need help with bill pay too. GD did for a while-for pay- but now out of it for corona and new baby. Passed bills to lazy brother along with all the messed up payments or no payments GD "took care of" -yeah right. I have spent every day for the last 2 weeks trying to untangle this mess i have inherited. Mom is surprised GD did not do a good job for her-GD was not monitoring often enough and or carefully in the first place-missing tax payments, charge card, all of it-mom was not able or trusted GD to do everything right as rain. Plus GD got her name on their accounts and could write checks to herself.....i have not told mom how many times bills were not paid, late fees, penalties etc. Lazy brother would have never figured out the mess and/or done anything to resolve without getting paid first. I have already tallied up a big some of money from what I see so far of newly refunded un-used online subscriptions, paying for insurance on a car they do not own-actually gave to selfish brother, refund un-used cell phone service, missing SS payments not set up to receive-I am still not done getting things set up completely. Mom wants me to tally up excess cost they have paid and I will definitely give mom the full story. I wanted to stay out of it but had no choice older brother is taking care of sis-financially in a nursing home-i guess it is now my job to take care of my parents bill pay. if i don't do who knows what madness my mother will do instead-hand over to the mailman, the neighbor or the housekeeper???? I have been thrown under the bus too-other paid helpers including the GD and yard guy were moms best buddies-they always did what ever mom wanted whether it made sense or not. Now, I have to do this for them I have no choice. Once i get thru the messy part of the bills-things should calm down as i can monitor bills online access etc after. Yes, by all means take a break then reconsider the break up from your mother when you have taken care of yourself first. You may decide then you are really done or maybe you can handle a part-time relationship-by setting boundaries and limits with your needs in mind. I have also been on the receiving end of emotional abuse-by mom minimizing the trauma in my life-i told her she was torturing me on top of the initial trauma. She keeps doing but to a lesser degree.

Families can be the worst! Hard to sort out all the threads of emotion and deal rationally with a situation like this.

You have a right to your outrage. Before cutting and running, though, you might want to consider if the guilt you'll feel later on might be worse than the outrage you feel now. Is there a moderate solution? E.g., an arbitrator you can trust to explain your position and feelings fully and see if your family members can be more understanding? If it were me, I wouldn't trust myself to be able to make that argument; I'd end up screaming and storming out. But maybe an objective voice (a non-relative!) would be more successful. Even if you separated for a while and then were able to write a detailed, dispassionate explanation, you'd be giving arbitration a chance.

It might not work. However, *then* if you cut and run you'll know you did everything possible to find a solution, which will help with the guilt if it descends. It seems to me that the optimal solution is for you to stay in your family's lives but in a position of increased respect and power. You might owe it to yourself to try.

All said, if you need to leave, do it. You're exploding now because of years of abuse. Each of us can take only so much.

Please any of the boundary books by Townsend and Cloud. It seems there are some serious boundary issues with your family. Do so for your own sanity. Realize that the rest of your family may never change.