Has anyone just cut & run from crazy, unreasonable parents?

I have to laugh here, don’t really have any answer. My parents always favored my older sister and brother over my youngest brother and myself. Although they would always deny it their preference was obvious.

Whenever I visit their first words are "have you talked to a sister or brother?" My youngest brother and I are the ones who visited regularly, helped out around the house, ran errands, and chauffeured them around as needed.

The Golden Ones seldom call, rarely visit, never ask about them. It’s sad, but YB and I can laugh about it, our consciences are clear. I love all my siblings and I believe Karma will settle it all in the end.

I have a very similar situation. I have cared for my mother for 15 long years. I lost my job because of it. I have traveled from Maryland to NY many times to take care of all of her needs. My brother lives close and was retired but wouldn't help. Now that she is 92 and not in great shape my brother has taken over her money, got me taken off as POA and is trying to cut me out of everything. He switched lawyers so that now Mom's lawyer is in his pocket. I don't know what to do but need to find out about places that can help me. I need resources that have some power to help me!

I did that once when I wnet back to China to teach and after a month I called her (she was blocked so she could not call me). She had her nose so far up my butt she sneezed my t@rds for a week.

Now that I am her unpaid live in care giver when she gets too bad I just inform her I will tell her doctor I am no longer her live in care giver. She knows she will automatically be put in a seniors home. The good ones have a four year waiting list so guess where she will go. She straightens right up.

Before you go make sure to inform her doctor. I know a man who was a live in caregiver for his mother. They had a fight and she threw him out. Once he left she called the police and he was arrested for elder abuse and negligence of an elder (even though she threw him out she denied it to the police and was a real drama queen to the cops who fell for her act.).

My mom refuses to accept the abusive behavior she has done to me. She always tries to turn it around and say the typical narcissists thing: not my fault, it is your fault or I do not remember or why are you making up all these lies. Thankfully I got into counselling and have been healed from her deep wounds and now know how to deal with these wicked creatures. She hates it because she cannot play mind games with me anymore.
The Bible states that the righteous shall see the wicked get punished and as the years go by I see her suffer more and more, most of it is her own fault. She fights her body trying to do what she wants and the body wins that fight.

I gave up a very good teaching position to come home to take care of her. She thinks I should be grateful that she puts a roof over my head, food in my belly and clothes on my back (she gets the clothes second hand for free from the church). She has the money to pay me but refuses. Mean while she gives money to her eldest and her grand daughter willy nilly while they do not lift a finger to help.
If I hit the road she will be put in a hell house called an old folks home. She has seen the hell it would be for her (she is used to doing what ever she pleases and dictates to others what they are to do to serve her. Being a volunteer at various seniors homes that behavior does not bode well for those that have it).
I have a tent that is my sanctuary to get away from her. She can barely walk around the house much less the back yard so she cannot harass me there. That sanctuary is my life saver.

Some people are dirt - so if you don't want to get dirty, face up to the fact you are better off severing all ties forever and move on. It is tough but the best thing you can ever do.

Wow! Abuse, brothers happy THEY aren't having to deal with it. I have to think, tho'. Did my parents ever "cut n run" when I was the teenage nightmare??? The abuses, from my 'daddy' who believes he is an "apostle greater than Paul" has him telling me half-quoted scriptures all the time and how he's HAPPY I'm not going where HE is caz I would RUIN HEAVEN for him. Then he tells me that I'm worthy of DEATH for my disobedience to him when I hide his WHISKEY! Cut n run??? Yea, I think about it, but I know who I am and I know what 'homes' are like. He needs me and as crazy as it is, I need my dad. Lost my mom 7 yrs ago and dad just lost it. I can love and care for him because the alternative is unthinkable. God bless you. Hang in there caz regrets, there will be many even tho we may think we did it all...

I take care of my mom 24/7 I haven't had a day off since last Sunday June 14 2020 my mom started being meaner than her normal mean.It was 10 at night we are ready for bed I noticed she hasn't gotten up since 6 pm we both took a short nap around 4 pm she was sitting on the couch already but could not turn on the TV but that some times is normal so I turned it on had to change her night gown it was wet so was the couch I put towels down and her pillow. We started watching tv I cooked dinner at 10 pm it was bed time she got up and couldn't walk so she sat down and wanted to watch more tv at 1 am. I said ready for bed she said no ok more tv I still didn't think that she was in trouble in till she asked for coffee as I gave her the coffee she threw it in my face and started with the water bottle s with out a cap we have wood floors it was unreal as I kept falling. My knee is so bad now as the night went on I asked her what is going on she kept looking at her gown said there was pills on it then she saw dogs we did not own. I called my brother and 911 as she fell on the floor I say she took a half of a bottle of p.m. pills Advil. Omg what is going on she started throwing up the pills 911 came and my brother I guess she had a stroke. They took her to the hospital we could not go do to the virus on Monday my brother went only one at a time she kept asking for me I showed up and it was time for her to come home but she could not walk yet I have Power of attorney so I had to put her in rehab. I never wanted a vacation like this my mom is 90 years old she treats me like poo but I love my mom .I can not go to rehab and see her so I call .I have never felt like running away from my mom but my brother is a pain in my butt he does not help at all .He has no idea how hard this is as he and his wife goes on there vacation s in the past I have been here for 6 years helping my mom it was blood pressure this time and I don't know why she can't walk yet the doctors have not told me yet .As I sit here and answer that question do I want to run away well I could never do that .My father died when I was 10 one week before he died he asked all our kids to take care of her if he dies I said yes daddy I will I have a older sister she is 70 and a brother 65 I'm 61 .I have always been the black sheep I lived in indiana where I was born and they moved to Texas in 1992 after that I never knew where they lived in Texas Untill 2007 ate the time I got a job on a Big Rig with my boy friend May 15 my brother told me it's time to take care of mom it was 2014 I did have some sadness as I loved this job so much but I went anyway and all the drama Untill a week ago
My brother is a millionaire and planing his next trip thank God for my boyfriend he has a job and he helps me .I just got over thyroid cancer last month and there were days I was so sick but by the grace of God I could take care of her.She will be done with rehab in 3 weeks and I hope she can walk then because when I fell I broke my ribs don't think I could pick her up but I will try.Im my father's daughter he was the best father and I made a promise to him and I will see it too the end.I couldn't live with my self if I didn't this is the hardest job I have ever done. I don't want her in a nursing home at all.

If you really want to know where you stand in the pecking order in your family?
Take a mental health vacation. Then when you get back don't rush to call or contact them. Make them call you. If after a few days to a week after you've come back they make no attempt to contact you, unless it is to ask for something or to harass you,you'll have your answer. Afterwards if the only calls you get from them is to have you to do something for them or get something from you, you'll have your answer. Realize that many people that are set in their ways won't change unless something makes them change. After doing the above actions you will be in a better place mentally to decide( do you stay or do you go).

I know what you mean with brothers. Mine do very little..and Mom who is 90...breaks her neck to cook for them whenever they come to do anything....never mind she can't cook for herself and has really bad back pain and is on a walker! She never does this for me and my sister (although we would not expect or let her !). such a contrast. Me and my sister do the majority of the work for my Mom. Dr appts, house cleaning, shopping, etc. and a host of other things. But yet my brothers just show up and get fawned over!

I left my mom in the hands of my alcoholic sister and brother two years ago. Best thing I ever did. She calls me every couple of months and I just say, "That's nice" and hang up. If there is any money to be had they can have it. My sanity and happiness are more important than dollars.

You've lived life how you were taught, played with the cards life delt you. No shame or blame in that!

But you CAN change the game now or at any time. My gut reaction is to say go low contact - in order to preserve your own sanity against their scheming ways. Send a card for birthdays & special holidays. Then challenge the will after they are gone (ha!).

Keep in contact with any respectful, kind relatives. The 'black sheep' term is probably not P.C. (sorry) but I have read a few posters that embraced being one - they stopped caring what others thought about them. It set them free. I don't know if this idea would work for you?

Keep dialling the contact lower & lower until you reach acceptable. If that level is zero. Zero it is. 🙏 Peace to you.

Hi. Don't feel bad about what you have done for love. If you feel it is not appreciated and that your mother is verbally abusive, it may do you some good to tell her how unhappy you are as a matter of clearing the air. The people who do nothing are the ones cutting you out? I'd get to the bottom and discuss it with those involved as in what gives them the right. Your leverage is you still have your health and can walk away if you feel it won't change. But whatever you have done was for the right reasons. Unfortunately, gratitude is a rare commodity for those we help. Change the dynamics if you can. You control what you will do for them. Make yourself happy first and good luck.

why should your brother who lives ten miles away help when you are willing to do the job?

My motto is that I never want to go to my grave with regrets. There are many kinds of help available these days. All daughters, more or less, go through this. The old saw: my daughter's my daughter for all of my life, my son's my son til he takes a wife. How true. Find another way to stay with this family, but seek help and visit a lawyer to see what your rights are. If you bail, you have no recourse. I agree .. go take a summer vacation. Just leave and see how they float or sink their ships. Change your phone number. Make sure to come back so that they know you are still around.

Hi MMason
Your post made me cry. I just want to hug you. Your dilemma is so deep one with no easy answer. The way you’ve been treated is terrible. I have a sister just like your bother, I’ve blocked her on my phone. You deserve your inheritance and your brother is guilty of coercion, a type of elder abuse. If finances allow you may want to retain an estate Atty. Take copious notes of all conversations and observances and do sit down with both parents to “have a conversation with them” as opposed to we need to talk. Ask them if there is a problem that you should know about. If they fein innocence tell them think it’s time your brother took care of them because you feel unappreciated, used, abused and unloved. Don’t be afraid of using the same unsavory verbiage that they do, it’s what the know.

Be very aware of how this will make you feel. Guilt? Sadness? Anger (at bro)? It isn’t an easy decision for you. I hope you have someone(wife, gf) to support you. {{{{Mason}}}}
love and light
Sabrina

Imho, perhaps you should stay away just long enough for them to realize that they erred, but I am not you. That's terrible.

Wow! I agree with another poster... take the summer off. You can say it is for “ health reasons”... which is true! You need a break. Truly take care of yourself. Give yourself time to think things over. However, to just let them “have” everything might be a blessing in disguise for your health, peace and sanity. I am just so sorry all of this happened. However, don’t look at this situation as your destination, because it isn’t.

That’s heavy. I definitely believe you should let your dad know they’ll be happy to help do all the weekly stuff moving forward and you’ll need some time to yourself to think about why you’ve ... i dont know.. “disappointed them to the level they felt you should be cut out of the land.” It’s not really important that’s the way you feel. And it’s not about the money. It’s that you’ve been the one helping them out. But since it’s not wanted, you’re happy to have the others take over and be sure to try and leave on a positive note. Tell them you love them and to call you if they need anything. (Though when they ask for a grocery run in a couple days, remind them you’re going to need a lot more time before you’re running errands for them. That’s what the others are for now and moving forward.).
Ultimately, there’s got to be a way for you to forgive all of them. Otherwise, you’re hurting yourself hoping to make them feel badly and they probably just don’t. Know what I mean?
Tough situation. Be strong & Good luck.

Yes, you can go no contact. Run a thought experiment first and try to see how you will feel when you hear of their deaths - or if you never hear. Will you feel guilty and terrible because you didn't give and give, or will you be mourning the loss of what you could have had and should have had - a loving and accepting family that never existed? Will you be bitter that brother and cousins are laughing all the way to the bank, or will you feel that you got the better deal being done with the toxicity and able to go on and live your life? And if they've already had you written out, you probably would have a difficult time changing their minds again. Leave the poisonous people behind if that's what you need to do to feel good about yourself. Through a group for adult children of hoarders that I am in, I have seen so many people who have gone no contact because of the mental illness and instability of their parents that just saps the adult children's lives of joy. Do what will allow you to face your future.

Oh, dear, MMasonSt, I'm SO sorry to hear about your situation.

Personally, I did cut and run. I moved in with my mother temporarily after a divorce. She was 84 @ the time and doing o.k., but was on the verge of going into an irreversible decline, physically and cognitively. So I became her fulltime caregiver (with ALL that implies). I have two sisters, who have always had issues with me (jealously, mostly), and just plain never liked me. They were mean, judgmental, and attacked me verbally at any chance for not being a perfect human being. Otherwise, they were the classic sibs who 'lived too far away' and was 'too busy with work' to assist in any way. After 5 years, I have 30 days notice, packed my car and drove away for them to figure it all out. I'd been counseled by my therapist and two good friends to leave for a few years. Absolutely one of the HARDEST thing I ever did in 65 years. But it was forced upon me to choose which poison to drink. Now, 2 years later, I can see that it was the RIGHT choice for me. My sense of self respect, self confidence, and self esteem is returning.

GOOD LUCK! I promise, I'll pray for you.

Take a deep breath. You need a time out to regain your focus and center. The abuses and behind the back, backstabbing negotiations of your siblings... disgusting. There's a bunch of us sensitives who have been groomed to be compassionate whipping posts. Reaffirm, it's good to be kind, caring and compassionate... really. The challenge is we tend to give it to everyone else before ourselves first. Better to make small change the big one you might regret. Rather than say goodbye forever, announce a week or two timeout, and then do it, responsibly, you'll like yourself better for it. In Kindness to You.

Just leave and go live your life. Material things are not worth the anxiety.

I use to wonder why my Dad did not support us against my mother’s behaviors when she was unfair and acting out but I finally figured out that he knew before we did that she was developing mental problems which eventually turned into full blown dementia. He just didn’t want to say it out loud. He was in sort of denial until it got really bad. He always wanted things quiet and everybody to get along and do what Mom said regardless of how demanding it was. Come to find out, he didn’t want to hear her ranting when we were not there so “ everybody just do what she says and all will be fine”. That monkeyed with my and my sister’s heads big time! I lived an hour and half away and moved back to town because I knew they might need me but THEN, she was so demanding that my husband and I moved back to where we had lived before! So YES, sometimes you have to make yourself absent until Mom gets ready for nursing home or they get caregivers. I did move back but my sister and I got caregivers to come in 8 hours a day including giving her meals before they left. You have already set boundaries by backing off to two days per week but now look what they did! Cut you out! I am not sure why Moms favor sons sometimes when the daughter is also an achiever but they do many times. If you are self-sufficient, don’t let them hold money over your head. Go when and if you want to go and keep those boundaries in place. Do what you feel is FAIR considering your babied brother. Your Mom’s age, sad to say, will take care of things. People just “age out” at some point. That may sound harsh but those who have controlling parents understand what I am saying. You feel trapped and don’t expect the parents to care about that. Good luck and keep those boundaries tight. Be happy and look after yourself. Your brother can grow up and work for his Sunday dinners and inheritance!

Please don’t just walk away. You will then be dealing with unresolved guilt. Read the book Boundaries by Townsend. It will transform your life!!
You set your boundaries and stick to them. Believe me I know. It’s amazing what happens when you respect yourself when setting boundaries.
A few years back I was run ragged looking after a declining mother. I posted updates for my siblings. One sibling was mia but one day responded to a post with two pages of criticism. I had a choice to walk away I was so angry and hurt. My wise hubby told me not to respond to that email.
From then on I read that book and set boundaries and my mental state is fine now. I don’t care about any inheritance. But my parents and I are at the point now where they gift me funds for assisting them. It’s less than what they would have to pay a carer but enough not to cause resentment. All my siblings know about this arrangement and they also know that if I were to walk away they are up the creek. Now they can carry on with their lives without disruptions but that would be halted if I walked away. And that sibling who was so nasty years ago has even thanked me for the work I do. It’s truly amazing what can happen when boundaries are set. I thank that author who penned that book!!

There is a time when you have to let go and take care of yourself. I was the only child and suffered a lot of abuse during childhood. That greatly affected my life and how I related to others, causing a bad marriage and many problems with depression, suicide attempts and things I do not even like to remember. I was told many times by doctors to move away and not even have contact with my mother after I was married and she still was controlling my life. I grew up overseas, so here I was in the US finally living a better life, and yet the guilt made me decide to bring her over and have her move in with me. I fixed up a room for her, she had a TV and everything else she could possibly want. It was never enough. It is a whole book how I finally decided that she was also ruining my young son and that she would have to go. The process was very intense and full of guilt - who would take care of this old woman now? You know what? She survived just fine - ended up having all kinds of help and finally getting a nice apartment and seemingly be very happy. Meanwhile I have never been okay, or what I think would be okay. I am clinically depressed and now old and alone. I lost my son when he was 14 and for a short while my mother was back in my life. The last time I saw her was many many years ago and it ended in a horrible breakup after three weeks that involved the police and that was the last time I saw her. I do not know when she died or how sick she really was - and yes - she was a borderline personality. Do I feel guilty now? No - after many years I have finally forgiven her for the abuse I suffered and I am functioning, living alone and not having a soul in the world to help me. The hatred and the turmoil of my life is past - yet my mind still remembers it all like it was yesterday.
I can only say that the feelings and attachment we feel for our parents is often misplaced and the time does come when you have to leave it all behind. Do not ruin your own life over your mother who clearly does not appreciate whatever you do for her. People might say how ungrateful I am and that we owe our parents everything - but really - do we at the cost of losing ourselves???

I got the sense that you were helping them more because you knew they needed help, and knew brother was useless, but cut back because things improved for them AND you needed to back off from mom's (and others) lack of understanding, care and negative vibes. 

As for the "inheritance", as others noted that may end up being little or nothing, if they need a lot of assistance. You indicated that you really did not need it, though it does hurt to have one's parents cut you out just to be spiteful (or because they listen to bro's crap.)

Although it would be nice if there are funds left after our mom passes, her assets are hers and are to be used for her care. I can manage without, if her care ends up depleting it all. No one (excluding those super rich) are guaranteed inheritance, so it shouldn't be a goal for a sensible person. In your case, I would definitely cut and run. Any possible financial gain probably isn't worth the stress and negativity you have to put up with!

I agree with those who say (including you) not to be snotty or vindictive and burn the bridges behind you. Just make a list of what care you provide, give it to bro and with NO excuses just say you need to have a break. You don't even have to acknowledge that the break will be permanent (it may not be - there could be reason to help out later.) Just hand him the list of what needs to be done and go. The list is just to satisfy you, that you made the one final sacrifice to ensure their care!

If you are self-sufficient, no amount of money or other inheritance would be enough for me to take that kind of crap from anyone. Getting it from all sides? Done. Like you, I took on what I could (mostly managing things for mom and finding a nice safe place for her) just because. We didn't have a lovey-dovey relationship, but neither was she too bad, I just knew I couldn't live with her and could not physically care for her, but did what I could. Bros, not so much. Limited and often begrudging help. I am DONE with OB due to his abusive nature (dates back to childhood, never went away! It has been over 2 years since we had any contact.) Once mom is gone, I'll likely be done with YB as well. Too self-absorbed. I can find better people to be friends and pseudo-family!

You can pick your seat, you can pick your nose, but unfortunately you can't pick your family (at least not the birth family, but you can pick those you DO want to be like family!! GO for it!)

Yes, it was a hard decision and most of the time , 99-% I’m good with it. My father was abusive, narcissistic , MEAN . I don’t want to rehash it here. But when I had kids if my own, I GOT IT. And never contacted him again . He’s 88 yrs old. He has other people who are taking care of him. Either by love or manipulation. It’s not my circus , not my monkey anymore!
your mental health is not worth it.
TRUST ME.
money isn’t worth it.
get a therapist if you need one.
return to the land where you are in charge of your happiness and leave scheming mean people behind . Relationships are 2-way streets no matter who’s involved .
wishing you only the best !

Draw healthy boundaries. Define what you are willing to do; when you are willing to do it; and what kind of behavior will cause you to withdraw your help. I know, easier said than done.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to find a counselor to help me navigate through a really tough elder/family time in my life. If you are open to therapy, now is the time. This family dynamic has been in place your whole life. Seek assistance in breaking the pattern.

If you walk away without explanation, others will create a narrative. And it will most likely paint you in a bad light. If you choose to dis-engage and walk away, mail your parents a card telling them that you are doing this because their words and actions have been hurtful to you. Specify if you intend to see them for birthdays or holidays or not.

Last night you found out about the land bequest.

How?

The first thing I'd do is make sure what you heard is true. Then I'd fact-check the reasons. And then I would tell them what I thought of (you'll excuse me, but this is what it sounds like to me) self-perpetuating, antediluvian, misogynistic injustice.

You need to do this fact-checking with the person who will be making the bequest, by the way, which is to say your father and no one else. What's he got to say about it? How does he square it with what he has always told you until now?

Anyway. Let's assume it's as near true as makes no difference; which means that regardless of anyone's reasoning or anyone's influence, you're nobody's heiress.

What you do then is take a break. These people have deeply hurt your feelings - again - and you need time to recover from it.

What you do after that is decide for yourself what you are and are not prepared to give to and do for your very elderly parents. Because in the end, how you (anyone) treat people (anyone else) is about what you are like, and not what they are like; and you must not allow their behaviour towards you to influence your own personal deeply held standards of what is decent.

I find it troubling that your brother is a teacher. What does he teach, and to whom?

You are not a stupid chump. You have not been fooled. To explain: the land never was the reason you have persisted in treating your parents as well as you could in the circumstances. You weren't turning up there and being their daughter because of any promises - on the contrary! You did it because it felt right to you. What's wrong is this latest (and it's a biggy, I agree) injury; but it's nothing to do with your being taken for a ride, everything to do with your being disadvantaged and excluded AGAIN.

If it is true, and irreversible, I'd be spitting feathers too; but take time to think how you want things to pan out overall. Don't just react.

Well nothing as drastic as that. But my mom who is 91 with some dementia totally was resistant to having someone come in the house a couple of days a week to help her (and me). Both my brother and I were trying to say we didn’t feel she could be on her own but that I needed a break because I am the primary caregiver. She flat out refused so we decided to leave her on her own to help her realize that she needed help. Just got back to mom’s house after about 36 hours and the one thing I was most worried about was her eating. When I came in the house she was sitting at the table eating. But she also said that she wanted to call the girl we met with the other day to take care of her. So as hard as it was to do this I think it may have been an eye opener for Mom.