Handling cousin's passive aggressive posts. Any ideas to stop it or should I just move forward and ignore it?

When being in a caregiver role, I have found it necessary to learn & communicate better boundaries. The books Boundary Boss by Teri Cole and Dodging Energy Vampires by Dr. Christine Northrop have been extremely useful to me. I cannot possibly please everyone nor do I choose to be a door mat. Once I realized I that nobody was going to change their behavior, I had to find my power to change how I was dealing with negative outside influences. I am much more peaceful now and can focus on helping my loved one. I wish you luck in dealing with your toxic relatives!

Ignore the drama she’s craving.
You don’t have to comment on her FB posts at all. No explanation required or apology.
I went through similar antics.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. Caregiving plus family struggles are awful at times.

I have been in a very similar situation. As the only daughter and POA 95% of the responsibilities for mom have been on me … for 11 years. (I am 65.). My mother has no insight, in the past stuck her nose in my business constantly and has tried to control me. She caused me a lot of problems. My older brother helps with mom, but hides behind his work. My younger brother does nothing and rarely contacts mom. He does not understand the depth of responsibility and stress. (He hasn’t even visited mom despite her being on hospice care for 5-6 weeks. He lives 20 minutes away. There’s always an excuse though.)

My mom and I are in a fairly good relationship now. Some of her assertiveness towards me has lessened.

Here are a couple of things I’ve learned and I hope you find them helpful:

1). In the end, you will be glad you have been there for your mother despite her personality.

2). Do what is right for you, ignore what other people say or do.

3). I deleted my Facebook account due to relatives and it was freeing.

4). As long as you follow your heart and do the right thing NO ONE SHOULD EVER question or criticize you.

Best wishes and please take care of yourself.

Sonetime for our own health we have to walk away.

I have a granddaughter who is abrasive n makes up stories. She scream loud n long at me making no sense
.she isc36, has the greatest 6 yr old, but visits are few.

Im in my 80s n don't want to drive a 7 hr trip by myself.

Her husband tried to help resolve our problems.... n she lashes out at him as well.

The only family i have left.

After 33 good years, the death of my daughter, brother and husband I need her.

But one visit she put her while bodybintonscreaming.. not 1st time, that I finally said she was not welcome to visit.

Now her husband is pulling away.

I see my lovely sweet gr. Granddaughter once it twice a yr.

Last visit arrived. At 6nom Sat. At 8 pm bed, and by 9.30 am next day left.

I was going to move closer after my husband died, 5 years ago, but she said no.

So i am not putting up with this behavior. This has to stop.

I think you need to do the same. Your health is important.

Sadly, caregivers see and get the worse treatments from our LO. Outsiders get the “angel” behavior, thus they see only the honor of caring for a LO. They are clueless to what actually goes on. Allow your cousin to care fulltime for your mom for a week or 2. Within the first week, the truth will open her eyes!

Your cousin is wasting valuable real estate in your mind. You are wasting precious energy reading her posts. Block her and when she asks, be honest and tell her why. Your opinion and feelings are just as valuable as hers. Use the time you spent reading and getting upset with her/posts on something that will give you peace. You will love yourself more for standing up for yourself.

Tell her you’d prefer she not post pictures and comments about your mother on Facebook and be done with it.

Don't allow this cousin to take your power! She only sees your mom at her best. It is common for an elderly parent to blame one child for everything that they don't like in their life. It is usually the child that does the most for them. Don't allow this cousin to get under your skin and rob you of your sanity. You know more than anyone else what is going on with your mom. Just know that you are the best advocate you can be for your mom.

You know what the deal is. Unfortunately, this happens.
Hide her posts or block her.

I took care of my Grandmother for 10 years (age 90-100). Most caretakers know it is all consuming, physically, emotionally, etc. No time or energy left over for a life at all. It was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. I am one of 7 grandchildren, but I was the only one willing to do it (while trying to work and taking care of my baby granddaughter when my daughter worked nights). I think there are many out there that understand.

SO, I have a relative who is a politician that visited a couple times a year to take pics and videos with Gram (in the house, now let's go outside and pretend to garden, etc). This all wound up on their Political Profile and their personal profile on FB as such a humanitarian that was caretaking for the Grandmother!

I know the truth, God knows the truth......I unfollowed and eventually blocked this family member. I told them we had different views on things and thought it was best to keep our relationship off FB. People in the know, called me and sent me messages. They were so upset and thought I should do a big confrontation thing and call them out on their misleading information. I told my friends the gate to heaven was not through Facebook. In the end I began to feel bad for them for having to go to such lengths to look good. I only care how God sees me, not the FB world.

God Bless You for all the work you do, the crying you do when no one is looking and the emotional toll it takes on you.

Stop being passive-aggressive yourself. Tell your cousin that you plan to block her because you can't handle her posts. - Then block her.

2 choices. Ignore the posts. OR, ask her directly to care for your mama and stop the smear campaign.

I will say that there was one person on my social media account that always posts the same type of thing. My mother sounds much like yours. I wish I always would take the high road, but once I did repost a great quote I found about how some people don’t deserve forgiveness and that forgiveness is about giving up all hope of a different past. I was in the height of my insanity in dealing with my mother. It actually got a lot of likes and comments. Then I came to my senses, put on my big girl pants and blocked that annoying person. LOL.

As the daughter of a woman with your mother’s personality, I am sure you have experienced being the target of your mother’s lies and drama. The first time someone could see through my own mother’s lies and manipulation about me, I felt so heard and validated. Your cousins posts are just triggers for you, poking at old and deep wounds.

Block your cousin, and if she calls you about it, ignore her calls. You don’t need to engage in drama with your cousin. If you have to see her at family functions stay away and if confronted, don’t respond and just say you have to go.

You and your sisters have enough to deal with. Support one another and know that there are many of us out there that do understand. Now I wish I have always taken my own advice. I have popped off now and then. But try to move forward calmly knowing you are doing the right thing and get this stupid person out of your life!

Tell her to switch places with you for a few months then judge me.Change and bath run errands take to appointments hear all the bad remarks.then judge me.It a 24/7 job.and take a special person to take it on.

It's a toxic environment perpetuated by the ignorant and self-righteous. The situation isn't going away most likely, but I would suggest one of two things: A.) Compartmentalize and let it roll off you, which can be very difficult, or B.) Call your cousin out directly. Passive aggressive people are cowards and confronting them puts the pendulum back in your court a bit. Expect further escalation regardless of which way you go, and I promise this will all go away at some point, and you can walk-on and move forward with your own happy life. I wish you great strength and resilience.

Remember, what people say in online posts says far more about them than anyone else.

Have you ever read this book:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)?

Your relative is playing a mind game with you. Don't play.

I like the idea of you putting her on "vacation". I have had to do that with a couple of good friends of mine. They have no idea and if asked I told them you have no idea what's going on with face book. Then you can see just how great it is with her not able to send this stuff to you.

One thing, does anyone know if she can still reach you through other friends face book pages? If so then you need to block her. With her doing that too you anyway, why would you even want to put yourself through that mess.

And YES. Tell her to take her in and let her live with her.

In my world…I ignore social media and peoples opinion of the care of my mom. We do not need to explain ourselves to others. Do your best. Unfriend her and block her number if it is upsetting.

Unfollow her on FB then you won’t see her crap. I have done that with every person who makes my blood pressure rise.

Just delete her and move forwards. If she needs you for some emergency there is always the phone or even a snail mail - cut the crap of social media out of your life - if you want to block her do so and don't apologise just say you can do without her comments.

I say, ignore her and unfriend her so you don't have to look at them. If she contacts you tell her why you unfriended her - not necessarily the personal details you don't want to share with her.

However, if she loves her aunt so much, maybe she'll volunteer to be her caregiver (sarcasm).

You have enough on your hands without having to deal with your cousin who is clueless about the situation.

First off call or speak to your cousin in person face-to-face with your siblings about it. Don't wage a passive-aggressive war of your own with her on social media.

Tell your cousin EXACTLY what I'm telling you right now.

That you are happy and appreciate that she has a loving and healthy relationship with your mother. Tell her that you and your siblings did not have this kind of experience with your mother. Let her know, without actually quoting your mother because you're not out to ruin their relationship, that she says terrible things about people (your cousin included) behind their backs and has for years.
If this doesn't quiet her social media storm, then tell her that she's more than welcome to have your mother come live with her and she can become her unpaid 24-hour caregiver.
Watch how fast this shuts her sanctimonious a$$ up.

My dad is a marvelous person, and is the best dad.
But now here, where health care was iffy at best,
advocating for his care is exhausting. At least, today
he and I have a sense of humor. Locally, there is a
Covid overload. I am an RN, but my dad and I are gracefully
trying to disconnect from those who live in a fantasy world
about care of elders, ( and I mean elders. like over 90).
I haven't refused FB as I do have support from some!
You have my support in ignoring. Please, ignore FB, you can always
say you are using time in self care, or care for your mother; if confronted face to face.
Lot's of people speaking of the "honor", don't actually have to do much.

First off, take a break from Facebook. When people ask about this, tell them you just felt like taking a break and leave it like that. You will get some snide remarks but that will eventually stop. Just give no reason to them except what I said. When you are ready to be annoyed and aggravated again, go back on FB. My break is many years now. It’s delightful!

Cousin sounds like a judgemental, do-gooder, busybody PiTA.

Stick some sentimental meme goop of 'family being supportive of other families' choices' or an article on 'respecting others' then ghost away 👻👻 (find that 'unfollow' button).

Sheesh!

I still boil up when I recall being told 'family must help family' after years in the trenches by someone very much at the sidelines. I discussed it fairly politely (that time) but will not engage again. Let them preach elsewhere.

The older I get, the more I realize I don’t give a rats a** what people think. I’ve gotten a lot more vocal about it, too. I used to be so stressed and hurt. I think as I’ve gotten older, I just realized I didn’t have time for other people’s crap. Life was just too short.

I agree with the peeps on here - block her. If she persists, give it to her for reals. Tell her what your mom is really like. Nobody is perfect, and I don’t see anything wrong in this day in age with us letting family know how even your “sweet” mom is not perfect. Why the charade? To what end? Who are you really sparing?

Adults can have adult conversations.

Ignore and delete have long been favorites of mine. Don’t feed anyone’s need for attention by acknowledging or even viewing the snarky and negative

It's so strange when people who have not been caregivers are so sentimental about what an "honor" it is to care for our elders. My mom has been for the most part a wonderful mother and person, certainly not a narcissist, and it's still been incredibly difficult to care for her and be her advocate these last 10 years. I don't do a lot of complaining, but when I told my gallerist that I was not able to meet all her expectations of me because of taking care of my mom, she replied, "you know you are so lucky to still have your mom. You shouldn't complain", to which I replied, "Yes, I feel lucky to have her, but those feelings do not help me meet the expectations". Could you just state your case very simply to this cousin and let it stand? Or don't read her posts or block her and leave her blocked?

I can understand that you “do not care to share with her about how awful my mom really is”. However I’d suggest that you say simply that she is more difficult to live with than most people realise, and that for example this is what she says about you: ‘xxx’. Giving her a “clue what my mom says about her behind her back” might be the quickest way to prove the point. Then perhaps add Pam's useful suggestion!

I was thinking that same thing,, she could always respond to those post with a stock answer of "Mom would love to see you for a few weeks, and wants to know when she can come visit you at your lovely home? She would so enjoy it and from your posts we know you would be thrilled to host her for a vacation!"