Handling cousin's passive aggressive posts. Any ideas to stop it or should I just move forward and ignore it?

Tell him what you do not want him to send. Then the next time...I will block you out.

you don't owe her any explanation but if you want to let her know she is more than welcome at any time to step in and give you and your sister a break, she can stay with your mom for about a month while you get some respite time off. I am sure she won't volunteer. And don't worry IF you did ghost or unfriend her on FB, who cares, if it helps you then do it. that way she cannot see anything you post. Its always easier for someone else in the family to offer what you should or should not be doing, but when they are approached about helping, then they immediately come up with an excuse to not being able to help or they say you are over-reacting. i wish you luck. You do what you must do and if that means placing your mom somewhere that she can receive 24/7 care and then you can visit when its okay for you to do so.

I would quit responding to her since she wants a reaction. It sounds like she hates taking care of her mother because her mother doesn't seem to treat her all that well and she sounds miserable. I would either have another sibling of yours or you take on the responsibility or send the elderly person into a care facility if it seems to be getting worse. I think she'll keep harassing you until you take charge of the situation. Am sorry to say.

Without 'unfriending' her (which you did already) - you can just block the posts she makes. Look at her post, on far top right side are 3 dots - you can set it to not see posts from her any more.

Keep in mind that she'll still be posting them. Others in the family see the posts and she's probably told more than one person she posts to get your attention. Instead of blocking, why not just add a comment to her post - 'Agreed' Let her think about that a while.

Your mom is in assisted living and being taken care of - she saved her money for old age and she's using it for that very thing. You aren't in a position to handle the caregiving, she can afford it, so no guilt. PLUS if you go visit her, it's all visit. No working your butt off and not really getting to visit.

Everyone (who is NOT doing the caregiving) is so eager to tell you how blessed you are to still have her. Forget about the part that as long as she WON'T engage in life, you CAN'T engage in your own...OR that (if, like me) you have been doing it for 10 yrs without a day off/vacation/a life. OR that you gave up a good-paying job and retired early (as a widow you can retire with SS at 60), but taking a $500.00 a month hit in your payments so that you know your mom is lovingly cared for.
The ones who prattle on about what a blessing it is, likely NEVER cared for their lost parent and have no clue what all we go through. And although I adore my mom and always had a very close relationship with her...this has messed with me physically and I need surgery on my neck but cant do it until she no longer needs me because I wont be able to change her undergarments and give her bedbaths for at least a month...so I suffer chronic pain and dizziness.
I would just snooze the cousin...and ignore her otherwise.

snooze her for 30 days

Hi,
My best advise is to ignore it.
I too have a very narcissistic mother. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I have come to learn that NO ONE, and I mean absolutely no one, understands what it is like to have a narcissistic mother unless they've been there. I am caregiver to mine and have been for several years. It's been a horrible experience. My sister, unfortunately, is just now realizing how bad mom really is. My sister being the Golden Child. I have sought so much counseling and have come to accept that it's best not to try to convince anyone of her sickness. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental, maybe chemical imbalance and physical issue. Narcissists are unable to feel empathy, also have an inability to bond. Try researching Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, you may be surprised as to how many of us suffer in silence. You'll find a lot of validation and understanding. I have driven myself nuts trying to explain to close friends and even boyfriends why I have hated her and now just feel sorry for her. My sister won't step up to help care for mom other than 2 night visits every 6 weeks. My mother also used up all of her money, so now we can't afford assisted living for her. I had started caring for her when I was unaware of NPD and now not being able to work because of caring for her and a 2 year bout with severe debilitating depression, I can't afford to move.
I hope I can give you a glimmer of hope and that is that the disorder has dissipated the older she gets and the worse her dementia is. She is 96 now. She's a very happy person and the dementia isn't as difficult to deal with as when she was in full NPD mode, gaslighting me and her passive aggressiveness.
Anyway, like I said, it's less crazy-making to just ignore her. There is no convincing anyone else that's unaware of the subtle abuse that slowly debilitates a daughter. Most people believe that "A mother always loves her child", and it's just not the case. People with NPD are sadly incapable of unconditional love, there's a glitch in them somewhere.
Take care, my heart goes out to you.

When they make these posts just reply that : Thank you for loving her so much. Considering you are so in love with her then why are you not stepping up and taking her into your home or going and living with her to take of her? "
As far as social media like Facebook is concerned, have confidence in who you are in Christ and then ignore their insults.

At point I think I would have to block her. You asked her to stop and she wouldn't. Sounds like she is deliberately trying to get under your skin.

If you can’t talk to her then think about putting her on a 30 day rest again on FaceBook … When she comments again let her know there is enough happening that you needed a rest from FaceBook . Look up the iceberg poster on the Alzheimers web site . There at about 18 things that non CareTakers are not aware of . All they see is the surface issue . Maybe remind her she wasn’t there therefore should not judge .. She can only make you feel bad if you allow it .. I would continue to just ignore her posts . Prayers are with you .

Like Kenny Rogers says . . .
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run . . .

It is either time to walk away or to RUN . . . from even looking at cousin's stuff.

Unfollow and ignore. I know the dreck you speak of. Recently a family member posted a pic of a cell phone with the word MOM on the caller ID and the caption was "I wish I could still get this call". Sigh....then another of some wee little grey haired being hanging onto a walker- with something like"appreciate them while you have them , someday they won't be here.
It just irritated the crap out of me, so manipulative and preachy. Like yeah I already feel like crap thanks for the extra helping of anticipatory grief so I will certainly be sure to really feel like hell when she's gone as if I wouldn't. But such is FB and the posters don't know the reality of your situation but yeah, the assumption that you somehow need reminding of how they think you SHOULD feel is infuriating. You have no need whatsoever to explain anything to her. I think it just encourages more posting of this useless crap.
Rant over.

Sorrynotsorry: Imho, do not buy into the acrimony of the Facebook posts by the cousin. Be the bigger individual and don't be her game opponent.

Dear Sorrynotsorry, please read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You said your mom has narcissistic tendencies. Chances are good she is a disordered personality, as well as your cousin. 2 books that helped me tremendously are Stop Walking On Eggshells and Stop Caretaking The Borderline and Narcissistic Personality. Caretaking, btw, is not what we do when we care for our LOs - that’s caregiving.

My sibling is a narcissist. I was a wreck, trying to jump through all of sib’s hoops with all of her demands, to keep sib happy so as to not make my parent unhappy. Parent had no clue how demanding sib was being - and turns out sib had no standing with the demands. My counselor turned me onto the 2 books I note above, and then I did further reading. Then I had a conversation with my parent, who is a normal person, not a disordered personality, and clued parent into the demands, etc. Between my parent telling sib to stoppitnow, counseling and learning, and getting an elder law attorney involved (I am POA), things are now smooth sailing.

My situation differs a bit from yours, obviously, but the commonalities are the cr*p actions generated from someone who is messed up. Unfollow on FB, as others have suggested. Get some counseling, if you can. I worked with an EMDR practitioner, and am doing well now. 3 months ago? Nope. But now is so much better.

I am unclear what your mom’s living situation is now. If still at home, get as much in home respite care as you can, to give yourself breaks, and the care you deserve. If she has move to AL, then visit infrequently, and if mom crosses boundaries, have a set phrase like, “I’ll see you next visit,” and leave.

Please read the books, if only to gain understanding of how messed up some of the stuff we perceive is normal. My narcissistic sib? I grew up with that, it’s what I knew, so it seemed normal to me. I am grateful to my counselor for getting me on the right, healthy, track.

It sounds like your cousin is posting all of this in order to relay a message to and get a reaction from you. I would ignore it and don't comment or react. If she asks, simply tell her you've been too busy and haven't had time to be on FB. No other explanation needed.
That's my standard answer as I have family and friends who practically live on social media and think I should too. I am always getting the question: didn't you see it? I posted it! 🤣 A lot, but not all know my situation and the ones that do don't get it because they are not caregivers.
Between work, caregiving and trying to fit everything else in between, I just don't have the time except to hop on real quick and wish Happy Birthdays for the day- I do like to keep up with that.
Best wishes as you navigate these waters with your cousin.

Sorry not sorry. Have you sent your cousin a message on FB asking her when she’d like to pick up your mom and take her home with her? Post it on FB so everyone can see your cousin’s slippery response. Your cousin sounds like a self-righteous pain in the butt. Embarrass her. Don’t explain yourself to her. She’s already made up her mind about you.

Years ago I was in a similar situation - two different faces presented to the world. Nothing worked. Unfortunately this is prevalent in life and we are the ones burdened with the responsibilities. Nothing works. Nothing is believed. If this person lives with you and is harming you, then why on earth would you allow this to continue. Get this person out of your presence and place her so you don't get tormented and can lead a normal life. And as to the cousin, I don't know your relationship in the past, but I would sit he down and state the facts one last time. If nothing sinks in, WALK AWAY AND SEVER YOUR TIES. People like that are not worth keeping in your life. Think of YOU first and act accordingly.

No, I don't get the picture; "honor of caregiving"; "treasuring parents"? What's that supposed to mean? A guilt trip that you are supposed to caregive when you don't want to and it isn't practical? Not looking at the upsetting Facebook posts is a great idea, not an oops.

Do what you're doing, no comments whatsoever. You can unfollow her without blocking her, which maybe you did or didn't do. You don't need to respond to everything she posts. Why a person would call you out on that is beyond me, just say you're busy or even better, don't say anything.

Reminds me of a good friend in a bad marriage. Finally decided that a divorce was necessary. But how to explain it to the young adult stepkids, with whom he had a good relationship and wanted to maintain it? So he started gently to tell stepson about how he and his mom were splitting up. Kid's comment: "We've been wondering how your took so long."

Your mother sounds like my sister. I understand. Now WHY would you even care about your cousin's posts -- or opinions for that matter. The best part of social media is you can make her disappear. BLOCK her. And ignore whatever she thinks or says. She can have any relationship she wants with your mother. Bless her heart.

Caregiving leaves little room for anything else. I moved my mother in with me over a year ago because it became clear she needed more help than the facility she was living in could offer...or that we could afford. If I thought she could have survived in assisted living, I would have left her there. She was in the same facility for about 10 years. While she was there, I would tell her she had the best of both worlds: she could come out of her room and socialize if she wanted, or stay in her room by herself...and everything she needed was right there or down the hall. She made friends her age and it worked out well.... until it wasn't working out.
Living with mom has proven difficult. Not just because of all the help she needs but because our personalities clash. She is also a narcissist.

If your mother can afford it and is well enough to live in assisted living, go forward with it. It is not an uncaring or unloving thing to do. It sounds like it will be best for you, your sister, and your mother.
As far as social media...I feel it's also an energy sucker. Get rid of all negative energy. You need all the good energy coming your way to take care of your mom.

God Bless you in this journey.

If you want to keep some semblance of peace among family members - and I understand if you do - then just unfollow - not unfriend - your cousin on Facebook. You will keep her on your friends list but if you unfollow her you will not see what she posts unless you go to her page and look and vice versa. I have done that with a few family members over political differences 😊. I don't know if you can do the same with Instagram - I've not had to (yet lol) - and don't do Twitter but you can definitely do it with Facebook.

I wouldn’t care what a cousin said. Ignore her like I do mine.

I just discovered an excellent podcast that addresses dealing with someone who has harmed you. It is called, “The Place
We Find Ourselves,” and can be found on the Apple Podcast App.
God bless all of you who are traveling the lonely road of caregiving. I was in that role briefly a while back and have a deep appreciation for the ministry it provides.
I am now helping with my 18-month-old grandson, who is undergoing chemotherapy for a brain tumor. Some of what he has had to endure has shaken me to my core. But, I have felt the help of people’s prayers.
When you are feeling your lowest, please remind yourself that someone somewhere is lifting you in prayer.

You can snooze her for 30 days. She will not even know. Just keep doing it. I do it all the time when friends post nothing but political and or covid stuff.

I wouldn’t invest any of your energy with her. Passive aggressive people do not change. Not worth the time.

Why are you at her mercy???? You are not!! Block her and be done with with it! Don't do this back and forth thing with her. I feel like doing a Cher in moonstruck. She slaps the guy and says snap out of it!
If she calls and wants to know why you blocked her, don't answer the phone. Be done with her. If she emails, or writes dont answer. She doesn't get to dictate your life. If she shows up at yor house, don't answer the door even if she sees you in the house looking right at her. She is negative, and only adding to your stress. She will probably complain to your mom and siblings. So what? Who cares. Shut her down, shut her out. Be done with it! She will get worse, then it will subside when she doesn't get compliance, and no reaction. BE DONE WITH HER. She is not your friend. You don't owe her any explanation to anything. Including why you cut her off. Do you realize she is doing her best to control you? Another narc. Probably doing your mom's bidding.
Since she isn't volunteering to do daily care, so what. She doesn't get a say. Period.
Why are you allowing yourself to be abused, humiliated, and told what to do? STOP!

Your mom is also to blame. Narcissists LOVE to pit people against each other. That is standard. That is probably why you and siblings don't get along. Divide and conquer. Your siblings and you can't gang up on your mom. She controls everyone and pulls the strings. Sits back and watches the fireworks. Doesn't lift a finger to fix it. Laughs her butt off everyone is upset and fighting. She is controlling everyone. I know this from experience. Had exact same thing done.
Dont be surprised if she calls/visits mom to complain. Shows up and is sweetness and nice to your mom.
Ignore it. But watch your mom isn't doing any will changes. You do all the heavy work taking care of her, then find out the cousin is now executor. Or something like that. People do that all the time. Was she always worried about your mom or just recently.

Your mom is loving that your relative is sooo concerned. Where are her parents? Go worry about them.
You need to shut that down now and be done with it. But keep an eye on what your mom is up to.
You are in control of you and how you react. After your mom gets into a place you can sat whi is allowed to visit. Tell them she works up your mom and stirs up the entire family. She is TOXIC. Caring for a parent is hard enuff.

That can be called a communal narcissist, look on YouTube for a description to see if it fits.

I can totally relate to this n feel ur frustration n resentment here. Unfortunately, best to just ignore alk...NOT even read any of her posts so u don't feel her guilt trip crap, and move forward. Until she's in your shoes, she just won't understand the pain and burden of caring for an abusive, multi-faced personality elder, period.