Handling cousin's passive aggressive posts. Any ideas to stop it or should I just move forward and ignore it?

You can ignore the posts. And you should.
If she feels strongly about how much of an honor it is to care for someone your cousin can become your mom's caregiver is she feels that strongly about it. I can almost bet that it will not last long.
Continue to look for Assisted Living for mom and ignore the outsiders.

I could have written this post myself actually, except for the PA posts on Facebook, my cousin does the exact same thing & it infuriates me!!!! If it were me and my cousin were adding the FB posts into the sh*t show that's already going on, I'd BLOCK her. She won't know it b/c FB doesn't tell her you've blocked her, but you won't see her toxic posts at all anymore and she won't see yours. If she contacts you as to why she's not 'hearing' from you on social media, tell her that you've realized 'social media' is actually ANTI-SOCIAL media & you're no longer participating in the toxic wasteland these days. Done & done.

That said, my cousin lives 3500 miles away from me in Staten Island in a 3 story home. I am an only child to a very difficult mother living in Memory Care Assisted Living with advanced dementia, incontinence and about 10 other issues too numerous to mention, at 94.5 years old. I've been handling/managing her entire life for the past 10 years, this time around, since I had to move my folks close to me in 2011 after dad had to quit driving. So now, my sainted cousin has been telling mom she would LOVE to have her come live with HER, that she will make up an in law apartment for her in her house! Her house with stairs. Mom is wheelchair bound, I forgot to mention. An inlaw apartment with a kitchen, which means mom would try to cook & burn the entire house down, with advanced dementia. Hello? What planet are we living on??? I have told my cousin 100x that mom has advanced dementia, has she not noticed when mom talks about 'riding the subway to come visit mama & papa' who have been dead for 36 years and 65 years respectively???? This cousin makes herself out to be The Good Guy and me out to be The Bad Guy b/c why oh why am I not taking in my Poor Sweet Wonderful Mother? Well, first off, b/c she's not sweet & wonderful and also b/c it requires an entire TEAM of care givers to care for the woman 24/7!!!!!!!!!!!! So every time mom says "Oh B would LOVE for me to come live with HER" I say, "Great, when is she coming to PICK YOU UP?" That's when the conversation comes to an abrupt halt & the subject is changed.

I truly hate people who love to instigate and make themselves out to be saints when it's all talk. And talk is cheap. Real life with these narcissistic mothers is something else that nobody understands or can empathize with unless they're stuck in the trenches themselves.

As you can see, your post hit a raw nerve with me. :)

Go ahead & BLOCK your daft cousin on FB and get some peace that way! Good luck!

I hate those posts. I know people mean well, but even if your parent isn't narcissistic or abusive, there are other reasons why - in this society - that we all aren't living under the same roof and taking care of each other 24/7. I especially don't like it that some people post these things knowing of my struggle and they say a completely different, supportive thing to my face. But is the FB post with gma all alone at the table (the situation my MIL loves to be in! - any visits she has from relatives she no longer remembers send her into a 3 day tizzy) some sort of dig at me later? Ugh. Block her.

If your cousin is posting tear-jerker photos (of your Mom), she has no right to do that on social media. You can show it to your Mom, let her get upset at cousin one last time. You don't need cousin to be the instigator of trouble in your Mom's life, or in your life.

You can also repeatedly report posts to fb, explore that option.

When I blocked my sister, I had just told her I was done with fb. I also unfriended her known associates. Then, I really closed down fb to the extent that I can make newsfeed adjustments to view a family's birthday. That's it.

I would feel an obligation to secure my mother's privacy on fb by reporting posts that are about her. imo.

Then, let it go. 100%

Block her.....or if you don't block her, just put her on a Facebook vacation. You won't get notices from her for a month. You may want to explain that though you're sure your mom would love to move there that someone with dementia just could not work around such a big move. Their brain is injured and the travel alone with just confuse her to no end. Then explain though the apartment would be great that mom would very likely start a fire because people with dementia often forget what they are doing in the middle of doing it! The stove would be left on, etc. People who don't live with those whose memories are failing don't realize the inherent danger. Maybe cousin feels guilty about how she treated her folks. Anyway, it sounds like a vacay for cuz on facebook.

My sister does this with my mother.......

I called mom and she sounded depressed. Are you sure that she's being taken care off.
I called mom and she said you wouldn't take her _______to get_____
I called mom and she said that you tested positive for Ebola.
I called mom and she said that you refuse to give her parakeet a birthday party.

Best advice for this. Ignore it or fight Passive Aggressive with Passive Aggressive.

My standard reply to stuff like you are getting on FB is "What a Weird thing to say"

Blocking would be my first choice, but there's always the option of "unfollowing" the person on FB. That way you're still technically Friends on there - but, your timeline will not display her posts.
I've unfollowed many people on FB and they have no idea ...

Caregivers who are actually CARING for dependent elderly people typically don’t have the luxury of wasting time or energy on nonsensical reactions of others.

Attempting to mount a defense to this stuff is just absorbing time when you could be doing something nice to be kind to yourself.

Do your nails, watch a funny video, make fudge, weed the garden, practice your tuba, don’t spend time on FB SILLINESS.

Well now she just showed you what gets *her* upset...being blocked so that the object of her passive comments is no longer reading them. Why wouldn't you block her? It takes away her power! If she asks why, you can give her an earful, since she asked an "honest" question, she gets an "honest" answer. Then you also may need to explain to other relatives why you were "forced" to block her. Unfriending her won't do the job. She needs to know she's blocked and that you're no longer reading her drivel and tolerating her dysfunction.

I don't really understand why you felt the need to make excuses and draw back from blocking her on Facebook. But then I left Facebook altogether because I couldn't stand seeing one particular relative's stupid fat face (as I uncharitably called it to myself) on my daughter's home page, so perhaps I'm no judge of FB etiquette.

Honesty is the best policy in any context, though, don't you think? She makes no bones about rubbing salt in your wounds, as though you need the decisions about your mother to be any more painful than they already are. Is this woman singularly insensitive towards anyone but herself? Is there any reason why you can't simply tell her that for the time being you just need a rest?

I was thinking that same thing,, she could always respond to those post with a stock answer of "Mom would love to see you for a few weeks, and wants to know when she can come visit you at your lovely home? She would so enjoy it and from your posts we know you would be thrilled to host her for a vacation!"

I can understand that you “do not care to share with her about how awful my mom really is”. However I’d suggest that you say simply that she is more difficult to live with than most people realise, and that for example this is what she says about you: ‘xxx’. Giving her a “clue what my mom says about her behind her back” might be the quickest way to prove the point. Then perhaps add Pam's useful suggestion!

It's so strange when people who have not been caregivers are so sentimental about what an "honor" it is to care for our elders. My mom has been for the most part a wonderful mother and person, certainly not a narcissist, and it's still been incredibly difficult to care for her and be her advocate these last 10 years. I don't do a lot of complaining, but when I told my gallerist that I was not able to meet all her expectations of me because of taking care of my mom, she replied, "you know you are so lucky to still have your mom. You shouldn't complain", to which I replied, "Yes, I feel lucky to have her, but those feelings do not help me meet the expectations". Could you just state your case very simply to this cousin and let it stand? Or don't read her posts or block her and leave her blocked?

Ignore and delete have long been favorites of mine. Don’t feed anyone’s need for attention by acknowledging or even viewing the snarky and negative

The older I get, the more I realize I don’t give a rats a** what people think. I’ve gotten a lot more vocal about it, too. I used to be so stressed and hurt. I think as I’ve gotten older, I just realized I didn’t have time for other people’s crap. Life was just too short.

I agree with the peeps on here - block her. If she persists, give it to her for reals. Tell her what your mom is really like. Nobody is perfect, and I don’t see anything wrong in this day in age with us letting family know how even your “sweet” mom is not perfect. Why the charade? To what end? Who are you really sparing?

Adults can have adult conversations.

Cousin sounds like a judgemental, do-gooder, busybody PiTA.

Stick some sentimental meme goop of 'family being supportive of other families' choices' or an article on 'respecting others' then ghost away 👻👻 (find that 'unfollow' button).

Sheesh!

I still boil up when I recall being told 'family must help family' after years in the trenches by someone very much at the sidelines. I discussed it fairly politely (that time) but will not engage again. Let them preach elsewhere.

First off, take a break from Facebook. When people ask about this, tell them you just felt like taking a break and leave it like that. You will get some snide remarks but that will eventually stop. Just give no reason to them except what I said. When you are ready to be annoyed and aggravated again, go back on FB. My break is many years now. It’s delightful!

My dad is a marvelous person, and is the best dad.
But now here, where health care was iffy at best,
advocating for his care is exhausting. At least, today
he and I have a sense of humor. Locally, there is a
Covid overload. I am an RN, but my dad and I are gracefully
trying to disconnect from those who live in a fantasy world
about care of elders, ( and I mean elders. like over 90).
I haven't refused FB as I do have support from some!
You have my support in ignoring. Please, ignore FB, you can always
say you are using time in self care, or care for your mother; if confronted face to face.
Lot's of people speaking of the "honor", don't actually have to do much.

First off call or speak to your cousin in person face-to-face with your siblings about it. Don't wage a passive-aggressive war of your own with her on social media.

Tell your cousin EXACTLY what I'm telling you right now.

That you are happy and appreciate that she has a loving and healthy relationship with your mother. Tell her that you and your siblings did not have this kind of experience with your mother. Let her know, without actually quoting your mother because you're not out to ruin their relationship, that she says terrible things about people (your cousin included) behind their backs and has for years.
If this doesn't quiet her social media storm, then tell her that she's more than welcome to have your mother come live with her and she can become her unpaid 24-hour caregiver.
Watch how fast this shuts her sanctimonious a$$ up.

I say, ignore her and unfriend her so you don't have to look at them. If she contacts you tell her why you unfriended her - not necessarily the personal details you don't want to share with her.

However, if she loves her aunt so much, maybe she'll volunteer to be her caregiver (sarcasm).

You have enough on your hands without having to deal with your cousin who is clueless about the situation.

Just delete her and move forwards. If she needs you for some emergency there is always the phone or even a snail mail - cut the crap of social media out of your life - if you want to block her do so and don't apologise just say you can do without her comments.

Unfollow her on FB then you won’t see her crap. I have done that with every person who makes my blood pressure rise.

In my world…I ignore social media and peoples opinion of the care of my mom. We do not need to explain ourselves to others. Do your best. Unfriend her and block her number if it is upsetting.

I like the idea of you putting her on "vacation". I have had to do that with a couple of good friends of mine. They have no idea and if asked I told them you have no idea what's going on with face book. Then you can see just how great it is with her not able to send this stuff to you.

One thing, does anyone know if she can still reach you through other friends face book pages? If so then you need to block her. With her doing that too you anyway, why would you even want to put yourself through that mess.

And YES. Tell her to take her in and let her live with her.

Have you ever read this book:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)?

Your relative is playing a mind game with you. Don't play.

Remember, what people say in online posts says far more about them than anyone else.

It's a toxic environment perpetuated by the ignorant and self-righteous. The situation isn't going away most likely, but I would suggest one of two things: A.) Compartmentalize and let it roll off you, which can be very difficult, or B.) Call your cousin out directly. Passive aggressive people are cowards and confronting them puts the pendulum back in your court a bit. Expect further escalation regardless of which way you go, and I promise this will all go away at some point, and you can walk-on and move forward with your own happy life. I wish you great strength and resilience.

Tell her to switch places with you for a few months then judge me.Change and bath run errands take to appointments hear all the bad remarks.then judge me.It a 24/7 job.and take a special person to take it on.

I will say that there was one person on my social media account that always posts the same type of thing. My mother sounds much like yours. I wish I always would take the high road, but once I did repost a great quote I found about how some people don’t deserve forgiveness and that forgiveness is about giving up all hope of a different past. I was in the height of my insanity in dealing with my mother. It actually got a lot of likes and comments. Then I came to my senses, put on my big girl pants and blocked that annoying person. LOL.

As the daughter of a woman with your mother’s personality, I am sure you have experienced being the target of your mother’s lies and drama. The first time someone could see through my own mother’s lies and manipulation about me, I felt so heard and validated. Your cousins posts are just triggers for you, poking at old and deep wounds.

Block your cousin, and if she calls you about it, ignore her calls. You don’t need to engage in drama with your cousin. If you have to see her at family functions stay away and if confronted, don’t respond and just say you have to go.

You and your sisters have enough to deal with. Support one another and know that there are many of us out there that do understand. Now I wish I have always taken my own advice. I have popped off now and then. But try to move forward calmly knowing you are doing the right thing and get this stupid person out of your life!

2 choices. Ignore the posts. OR, ask her directly to care for your mama and stop the smear campaign.