Handling cousin's passive aggressive posts. Any ideas to stop it or should I just move forward and ignore it?

Stop being passive-aggressive yourself. Tell your cousin that you plan to block her because you can't handle her posts. - Then block her.

You know what the deal is. Unfortunately, this happens.
Hide her posts or block her.

I took care of my Grandmother for 10 years (age 90-100). Most caretakers know it is all consuming, physically, emotionally, etc. No time or energy left over for a life at all. It was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. I am one of 7 grandchildren, but I was the only one willing to do it (while trying to work and taking care of my baby granddaughter when my daughter worked nights). I think there are many out there that understand.

SO, I have a relative who is a politician that visited a couple times a year to take pics and videos with Gram (in the house, now let's go outside and pretend to garden, etc). This all wound up on their Political Profile and their personal profile on FB as such a humanitarian that was caretaking for the Grandmother!

I know the truth, God knows the truth......I unfollowed and eventually blocked this family member. I told them we had different views on things and thought it was best to keep our relationship off FB. People in the know, called me and sent me messages. They were so upset and thought I should do a big confrontation thing and call them out on their misleading information. I told my friends the gate to heaven was not through Facebook. In the end I began to feel bad for them for having to go to such lengths to look good. I only care how God sees me, not the FB world.

God Bless You for all the work you do, the crying you do when no one is looking and the emotional toll it takes on you.

Don't allow this cousin to take your power! She only sees your mom at her best. It is common for an elderly parent to blame one child for everything that they don't like in their life. It is usually the child that does the most for them. Don't allow this cousin to get under your skin and rob you of your sanity. You know more than anyone else what is going on with your mom. Just know that you are the best advocate you can be for your mom.

Tell her you’d prefer she not post pictures and comments about your mother on Facebook and be done with it.

Your cousin is wasting valuable real estate in your mind. You are wasting precious energy reading her posts. Block her and when she asks, be honest and tell her why. Your opinion and feelings are just as valuable as hers. Use the time you spent reading and getting upset with her/posts on something that will give you peace. You will love yourself more for standing up for yourself.

Sadly, caregivers see and get the worse treatments from our LO. Outsiders get the “angel” behavior, thus they see only the honor of caring for a LO. They are clueless to what actually goes on. Allow your cousin to care fulltime for your mom for a week or 2. Within the first week, the truth will open her eyes!

Sonetime for our own health we have to walk away.

I have a granddaughter who is abrasive n makes up stories. She scream loud n long at me making no sense
.she isc36, has the greatest 6 yr old, but visits are few.

Im in my 80s n don't want to drive a 7 hr trip by myself.

Her husband tried to help resolve our problems.... n she lashes out at him as well.

The only family i have left.

After 33 good years, the death of my daughter, brother and husband I need her.

But one visit she put her while bodybintonscreaming.. not 1st time, that I finally said she was not welcome to visit.

Now her husband is pulling away.

I see my lovely sweet gr. Granddaughter once it twice a yr.

Last visit arrived. At 6nom Sat. At 8 pm bed, and by 9.30 am next day left.

I was going to move closer after my husband died, 5 years ago, but she said no.

So i am not putting up with this behavior. This has to stop.

I think you need to do the same. Your health is important.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. Caregiving plus family struggles are awful at times.

I have been in a very similar situation. As the only daughter and POA 95% of the responsibilities for mom have been on me … for 11 years. (I am 65.). My mother has no insight, in the past stuck her nose in my business constantly and has tried to control me. She caused me a lot of problems. My older brother helps with mom, but hides behind his work. My younger brother does nothing and rarely contacts mom. He does not understand the depth of responsibility and stress. (He hasn’t even visited mom despite her being on hospice care for 5-6 weeks. He lives 20 minutes away. There’s always an excuse though.)

My mom and I are in a fairly good relationship now. Some of her assertiveness towards me has lessened.

Here are a couple of things I’ve learned and I hope you find them helpful:

1). In the end, you will be glad you have been there for your mother despite her personality.

2). Do what is right for you, ignore what other people say or do.

3). I deleted my Facebook account due to relatives and it was freeing.

4). As long as you follow your heart and do the right thing NO ONE SHOULD EVER question or criticize you.

Best wishes and please take care of yourself.

Ignore the drama she’s craving.
You don’t have to comment on her FB posts at all. No explanation required or apology.
I went through similar antics.

When being in a caregiver role, I have found it necessary to learn & communicate better boundaries. The books Boundary Boss by Teri Cole and Dodging Energy Vampires by Dr. Christine Northrop have been extremely useful to me. I cannot possibly please everyone nor do I choose to be a door mat. Once I realized I that nobody was going to change their behavior, I had to find my power to change how I was dealing with negative outside influences. I am much more peaceful now and can focus on helping my loved one. I wish you luck in dealing with your toxic relatives!

I can totally relate to this n feel ur frustration n resentment here. Unfortunately, best to just ignore alk...NOT even read any of her posts so u don't feel her guilt trip crap, and move forward. Until she's in your shoes, she just won't understand the pain and burden of caring for an abusive, multi-faced personality elder, period.

That can be called a communal narcissist, look on YouTube for a description to see if it fits.

Why are you at her mercy???? You are not!! Block her and be done with with it! Don't do this back and forth thing with her. I feel like doing a Cher in moonstruck. She slaps the guy and says snap out of it!
If she calls and wants to know why you blocked her, don't answer the phone. Be done with her. If she emails, or writes dont answer. She doesn't get to dictate your life. If she shows up at yor house, don't answer the door even if she sees you in the house looking right at her. She is negative, and only adding to your stress. She will probably complain to your mom and siblings. So what? Who cares. Shut her down, shut her out. Be done with it! She will get worse, then it will subside when she doesn't get compliance, and no reaction. BE DONE WITH HER. She is not your friend. You don't owe her any explanation to anything. Including why you cut her off. Do you realize she is doing her best to control you? Another narc. Probably doing your mom's bidding.
Since she isn't volunteering to do daily care, so what. She doesn't get a say. Period.
Why are you allowing yourself to be abused, humiliated, and told what to do? STOP!

Your mom is also to blame. Narcissists LOVE to pit people against each other. That is standard. That is probably why you and siblings don't get along. Divide and conquer. Your siblings and you can't gang up on your mom. She controls everyone and pulls the strings. Sits back and watches the fireworks. Doesn't lift a finger to fix it. Laughs her butt off everyone is upset and fighting. She is controlling everyone. I know this from experience. Had exact same thing done.
Dont be surprised if she calls/visits mom to complain. Shows up and is sweetness and nice to your mom.
Ignore it. But watch your mom isn't doing any will changes. You do all the heavy work taking care of her, then find out the cousin is now executor. Or something like that. People do that all the time. Was she always worried about your mom or just recently.

Your mom is loving that your relative is sooo concerned. Where are her parents? Go worry about them.
You need to shut that down now and be done with it. But keep an eye on what your mom is up to.
You are in control of you and how you react. After your mom gets into a place you can sat whi is allowed to visit. Tell them she works up your mom and stirs up the entire family. She is TOXIC. Caring for a parent is hard enuff.

I wouldn’t invest any of your energy with her. Passive aggressive people do not change. Not worth the time.

You can snooze her for 30 days. She will not even know. Just keep doing it. I do it all the time when friends post nothing but political and or covid stuff.

I just discovered an excellent podcast that addresses dealing with someone who has harmed you. It is called, “The Place
We Find Ourselves,” and can be found on the Apple Podcast App.
God bless all of you who are traveling the lonely road of caregiving. I was in that role briefly a while back and have a deep appreciation for the ministry it provides.
I am now helping with my 18-month-old grandson, who is undergoing chemotherapy for a brain tumor. Some of what he has had to endure has shaken me to my core. But, I have felt the help of people’s prayers.
When you are feeling your lowest, please remind yourself that someone somewhere is lifting you in prayer.

I wouldn’t care what a cousin said. Ignore her like I do mine.

If you want to keep some semblance of peace among family members - and I understand if you do - then just unfollow - not unfriend - your cousin on Facebook. You will keep her on your friends list but if you unfollow her you will not see what she posts unless you go to her page and look and vice versa. I have done that with a few family members over political differences 😊. I don't know if you can do the same with Instagram - I've not had to (yet lol) - and don't do Twitter but you can definitely do it with Facebook.

Caregiving leaves little room for anything else. I moved my mother in with me over a year ago because it became clear she needed more help than the facility she was living in could offer...or that we could afford. If I thought she could have survived in assisted living, I would have left her there. She was in the same facility for about 10 years. While she was there, I would tell her she had the best of both worlds: she could come out of her room and socialize if she wanted, or stay in her room by herself...and everything she needed was right there or down the hall. She made friends her age and it worked out well.... until it wasn't working out.
Living with mom has proven difficult. Not just because of all the help she needs but because our personalities clash. She is also a narcissist.

If your mother can afford it and is well enough to live in assisted living, go forward with it. It is not an uncaring or unloving thing to do. It sounds like it will be best for you, your sister, and your mother.
As far as social media...I feel it's also an energy sucker. Get rid of all negative energy. You need all the good energy coming your way to take care of your mom.

God Bless you in this journey.

Your mother sounds like my sister. I understand. Now WHY would you even care about your cousin's posts -- or opinions for that matter. The best part of social media is you can make her disappear. BLOCK her. And ignore whatever she thinks or says. She can have any relationship she wants with your mother. Bless her heart.

Reminds me of a good friend in a bad marriage. Finally decided that a divorce was necessary. But how to explain it to the young adult stepkids, with whom he had a good relationship and wanted to maintain it? So he started gently to tell stepson about how he and his mom were splitting up. Kid's comment: "We've been wondering how your took so long."

Do what you're doing, no comments whatsoever. You can unfollow her without blocking her, which maybe you did or didn't do. You don't need to respond to everything she posts. Why a person would call you out on that is beyond me, just say you're busy or even better, don't say anything.

No, I don't get the picture; "honor of caregiving"; "treasuring parents"? What's that supposed to mean? A guilt trip that you are supposed to caregive when you don't want to and it isn't practical? Not looking at the upsetting Facebook posts is a great idea, not an oops.

Years ago I was in a similar situation - two different faces presented to the world. Nothing worked. Unfortunately this is prevalent in life and we are the ones burdened with the responsibilities. Nothing works. Nothing is believed. If this person lives with you and is harming you, then why on earth would you allow this to continue. Get this person out of your presence and place her so you don't get tormented and can lead a normal life. And as to the cousin, I don't know your relationship in the past, but I would sit he down and state the facts one last time. If nothing sinks in, WALK AWAY AND SEVER YOUR TIES. People like that are not worth keeping in your life. Think of YOU first and act accordingly.

Sorry not sorry. Have you sent your cousin a message on FB asking her when she’d like to pick up your mom and take her home with her? Post it on FB so everyone can see your cousin’s slippery response. Your cousin sounds like a self-righteous pain in the butt. Embarrass her. Don’t explain yourself to her. She’s already made up her mind about you.

It sounds like your cousin is posting all of this in order to relay a message to and get a reaction from you. I would ignore it and don't comment or react. If she asks, simply tell her you've been too busy and haven't had time to be on FB. No other explanation needed.
That's my standard answer as I have family and friends who practically live on social media and think I should too. I am always getting the question: didn't you see it? I posted it! 🤣 A lot, but not all know my situation and the ones that do don't get it because they are not caregivers.
Between work, caregiving and trying to fit everything else in between, I just don't have the time except to hop on real quick and wish Happy Birthdays for the day- I do like to keep up with that.
Best wishes as you navigate these waters with your cousin.

Dear Sorrynotsorry, please read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You said your mom has narcissistic tendencies. Chances are good she is a disordered personality, as well as your cousin. 2 books that helped me tremendously are Stop Walking On Eggshells and Stop Caretaking The Borderline and Narcissistic Personality. Caretaking, btw, is not what we do when we care for our LOs - that’s caregiving.

My sibling is a narcissist. I was a wreck, trying to jump through all of sib’s hoops with all of her demands, to keep sib happy so as to not make my parent unhappy. Parent had no clue how demanding sib was being - and turns out sib had no standing with the demands. My counselor turned me onto the 2 books I note above, and then I did further reading. Then I had a conversation with my parent, who is a normal person, not a disordered personality, and clued parent into the demands, etc. Between my parent telling sib to stoppitnow, counseling and learning, and getting an elder law attorney involved (I am POA), things are now smooth sailing.

My situation differs a bit from yours, obviously, but the commonalities are the cr*p actions generated from someone who is messed up. Unfollow on FB, as others have suggested. Get some counseling, if you can. I worked with an EMDR practitioner, and am doing well now. 3 months ago? Nope. But now is so much better.

I am unclear what your mom’s living situation is now. If still at home, get as much in home respite care as you can, to give yourself breaks, and the care you deserve. If she has move to AL, then visit infrequently, and if mom crosses boundaries, have a set phrase like, “I’ll see you next visit,” and leave.

Please read the books, if only to gain understanding of how messed up some of the stuff we perceive is normal. My narcissistic sib? I grew up with that, it’s what I knew, so it seemed normal to me. I am grateful to my counselor for getting me on the right, healthy, track.

Sorrynotsorry: Imho, do not buy into the acrimony of the Facebook posts by the cousin. Be the bigger individual and don't be her game opponent.

Unfollow and ignore. I know the dreck you speak of. Recently a family member posted a pic of a cell phone with the word MOM on the caller ID and the caption was "I wish I could still get this call". Sigh....then another of some wee little grey haired being hanging onto a walker- with something like"appreciate them while you have them , someday they won't be here.
It just irritated the crap out of me, so manipulative and preachy. Like yeah I already feel like crap thanks for the extra helping of anticipatory grief so I will certainly be sure to really feel like hell when she's gone as if I wouldn't. But such is FB and the posters don't know the reality of your situation but yeah, the assumption that you somehow need reminding of how they think you SHOULD feel is infuriating. You have no need whatsoever to explain anything to her. I think it just encourages more posting of this useless crap.
Rant over.

Like Kenny Rogers says . . .
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run . . .

It is either time to walk away or to RUN . . . from even looking at cousin's stuff.