My 85 year old mom has lived with us for close to 4 years. My partner is really her primary caregiver. We moved her into our home when she was not able to get the care she needed.

She has arthritis, A-FIB, congestive heart failure and a colonscomy (that she cannot change on her own). She complains more and more now; it really has become a source of tension for everyone. I think she is clinically depressed but she won't admit it and seek help.

The complaining is about everything - too cold, the food is not right, the pain she feels, etc. She will not go out with us just to get out of the house but when we go, she always insinuates that we should not be gone.

I am at wit's end. I really am.

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The docs now have diagnosed her as depressed after she suffered more health probs due to the lethargy and not moving and not eating...

hoping that with meds and more physical rehab, we can turn things back a notch....

thanks for sharing ....
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thankfully my 89 yr old mother is in a nursing home.but she is a constant complainer, tells people i am never there to see her and always,always has a list for me . she insists upon going to doctors and having tests. i get sick of hearing the same thing i tell her... you are 89 unfortunately bodys wear out. when i or my children do go to visit she will say there is an acitvity she wants to attend, come back a different time. it is hurtful to my son who is a bricklayer and is often tired but still makes the attempt. i hope it is some consolation to you that i feel the same way. i have gone as far as said out loud that i hated her, which of course just brings about more self loathing. it's easy for people to tell you all the things that you know you should feel but harder still when you do and it just doesn't work. i guess all we can do is fight the good fight and try to detach somehow. i just feel it is unfair that i will end up not having good memories of my mother while my siblings will.
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Dear caregiver,
My heart goes out to you in your situation. I took care of my mother-in-law for ten years in our home, and the constant demands she put on us were also taxing. Her death in our family room was also very difficult.
First, don't count on your care recipient for positive feedback. Give it to yourself. You are doing God's work caring for a loved one who needs your help. Remember that your Mom took care of you when your diaper needed changing, and you are returning the favor. Think back to happier times and give your care to the mother who was there for you in your youth. And believe it or not, when your mother passes, you will look back fondly on your caregiving years and wish you could change her colostomy bag one more time just to have a chance to tell her you love her. You have no control over your mom's mental state. Control your own. Give to her from your heart, and know that when she lashes out at you, she is in terrible physical, emotional or mental pain. Find your compassion. And forgive her, for she knows not what she does. Contact your local senior center and senior services agency and see if you can get some free or low-cost respite care for her so you can take care of yourself. Check with local family or friends if you have some you can trust. Bless you for what you do. Heavenly forces really do notice.
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