I haven’t stopped to process how my sister’s suicide put me in instant caregiver role 5 years ago. I used to be organized, deliberate, more ‘together’, and more professional ( teacher). Now I just cry out of nowhere and I’m just sick of being the expected answer to everything for my mother. Organized? Hah. Stress eat? Medicated? Completely. There are times I just wish she would pass away so I could regain my own sanity. She was not a good mother in many ways, but am I alone in these dark thoughts? I am on my own family-wise. It’s all on me. Am I a horrible person for my thoughts?

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You are not alone with these thoughts. I am an only child to a 94+ year old mother with pretty advanced dementia who relies on me for everything, thinks it's my obligation to absorb her daily bad moods, negativity and misery, and let's me know no matter what I do its never enough. It all falls on me, everything, with no thanks, just entitlement, and daily reminders she "should be" living with my DH and me and not in the Memory Care Assisted Living place she does live in. She's wheelchair bound and incontinent to name a few of her many issues. I pray God takes her every single day and I don't feel guilty saying that, either. She's 100% miserable 100% of the time and she's making my life a torture chamber too. I've been managing her entire life for 10 years now and have a sick DH and my own health issues as well, not that she gives a flying fig about either. Her wart is way more important than my DHs liver cancer.

So I get it. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister and the predicament you find yourself in now. Wouldn't it be nice to just pack up and run away to Tahiti bad leave no forwarding address?
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SCully, I don't think there is anyone in this group with a family member who suffers from an incurable disease who hasn't or doesn't wish their LO would pass and leave their suffering life.
As long as you don't take any steps to hurry the end, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Speaking of my own situation, every time I walk into the bedroom, I hope and pray he is still breathing; and hope and pray he isn't. That is my reality and I am okay with it.
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CarynAnn Jun 2021
I have been taking care of my husband for many years now, and I know exactly how you feel. I do the same thing, walking into the bedroom hoping and praying he is still breathing and hoping and praying he isn't. I feel so bad about feeling that way, but I'm glad I'm not alone. Thank you. Hugs.
Scully, you are NOT a horrible person, and you are most certainly not alone. Heck, you just described my life and here I thought I was alone and a horrible human. If I'm being perfectly honest, I hate caregiving. After this is done, I'm done with it forever, I will not do it ever again for the rest of my life. I was caregiver to 3 people, I've been through pure hell, and now I'm done with it completely. I cry everyday, I'm over stressed and therefore stress eating. I'm trying not to resort to medication because I know it's temporary. But everyday I wish grandma would die because she has no quality of life left and it would be easier than dealing with this crap. I feel like I have no life or sanity anymore.

*hugs* I hear ya. Boy, do I hear ya!
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I am so sorry that you are struggling with these thoughts. You’re obviously suffering terribly. I truly believe that you would benefit from therapy.

Sounds like you didn’t even have a chance to process the death of your sister and grieve for her. Your profile states that your mom is in an assisted living facility. How involved are you with her care? Please tell us more details so we can help you.

Please seek help for yourself.. Do whatever you need to do in order to regain your life back.

Wishing you all the best.

We care. Reach out, there is help.
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You are not a horrible person, for if you were, we all would be. Hugs to you ❤
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"...sick of being the expected answer to everything for my mother."

Apart from your mother, who can't be expected to put other people's needs before her own (because neither could we if we had Parkinson's and depression), who's doing the expecting? Just you? Anyone else?

Do you think the sacrifice you are making to your mother's care might be one way that you are in fact processing the loss of your little sister to suicide? You don't say very much about what the caregiving involves, but I suspect the workload you're carrying might be disproportionate both to your mother's identifiable needs and to any reasonable assessment of your available time, strength, personal resources.

Wanting an ordeal to end hardly makes you horrible, does it? And just at this point, the only end you can see to your ordeal is your mother's death. There are two problems with that. First, you are not a horrible person and you do not actually want your mother to die. Second, she's 78 and in an ALF - it's very unlikely to happen any time soon.

I don't think it's cruel or monstrous to propose one goal as desirable: that your mother does not end up burying a second daughter. 30% of caregivers die before the person they care for. Let's not let that include you.

You say that your sister's death five years ago made you instantly your mother's caregiver. So - your sister was then your mother's primary caregiver, yes? And your mother was then only 73 which, these days, is barely senior. So - why?

I'm going to stop bombarding you with questions, but the aim is to look more closely at the burden you're carrying and see what part of it you can put down or hand over. Or set fire to and dance round the bonfire, even, metaphorically speaking.
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No,what you’re feeling is very normal. This is a “long goodbye” and many caregivers have similar feelings.

I had a prayer I often said when I was caregiver for my mom. “Not too soon and not too long.” I feel no guilt for that prayer and God answered my prayer in the end, for which I am forever grateful.
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Moxies Jun 2021
What a perfect prayer for all of us.
There are a whole lot of us feeling and thinking just as you do. It’s been almost 8 yrs for me caring for my mom 24/7/365, after dad died. For 8 LONG yrs!!! She has dementia, Wants to be treated like the princess my dad made her. Always wants her way, no matter the risk. She will be 96 in November. No reasoning skills, bad knee, 1 already replaced. Can not hear unless you are screaming at her. Can not see or doesn’t recognize things. Wants 3 home cooked meals everyday. She thinks that she has a little memory problem, but otherwise she thinks there is nothing wrong with her😳. Every morning I have horrible thoughts, hmmmm maybe she died in her sleep?? When I see that she didn’t, dread starts creeping in my brain. By the end of the day I am so exhausted I can’t sleep. Then alone in my room, the guilt starts. I should have been more patient. I should understand how frustrating it is for her not to be able to do anything.
It is a vicious circle.
I love my mother. And will miss her terribly when she is gone. But I am so tired.
I really know how you feel. I have been told many, many times it is normal to feel this way.
Some days are better than others.
I guess I will just keep dreaming that one day I will have my life back.
Good Luck and don’t be so hard on yourself.
She is lucky to have you!
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sp19690 Jun 2021
Sure the mom is lucky to have a daughter willing to practically kill herself to appease and cater to a selfish elder. Too bad the daughter is not lucky to have a mother that would also consider her child's needs too.
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I am so sorry to hear of your situation.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! My mother is horrible and I dread seeing her. She is verbally abusive and occasionally physically. I love her and do not want her to suffer. But I just can't listen to her tell me that she is going to die, come back and make my life a living hell, to get even with me for "Ruining her life." Or that I'm fat, or need a face lift before I lose my husband, or my rear end is a wide as a barn.

She is in a nice Board and Care with her own room. I make all her doctor appointments, take her to them, get her medications to the Board and care, pay all her bills, cook special treats for her, buy her sushi, etc.
I am not an evil person, I'm just tired, hurt and feel unappreciated.

So, no guilt! I'm a saint and so are you.

God Bless you, hang in there.
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agingmother4343 Jul 2021
We walk in the same shoes

bless your heart
You are def not a horrible person for thinking this at all. My mother turns 88 in July and she is driving me crazy. Her mother lived till 96 and if my mother makes it to 96 I will be crazy. I know I can handle my mother's death but I'm not certain how much longer I can handle her being alive. Do you have enough time at least to visit with a counselor?
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