Despite my mother now being settled in a SNF, I am still struggling with being involved: taking belongings and clothing to her every week, daily phone calls with Mom and/or with insurance co, doctors, nurses, social workers, PT/OT therapists, activities director, specialists; not to mention handling all the finances, mail, correspondence, family and Mom's friends. I am way behind on chores and projects at my house, and have had little down time with husband or alone time to enjoy former hobbies. When I do find 30 minutes to myself, it is interrupted with the above or late calls from relatives. If I go out for a few hours, I come home to phone messages, e-mails and mail needing my attention.
If this is all new, it should settle down. My Mom went from an AL to a SNF. I had to do practically nothing. No more buy Depends. Personal toiletries were provided. I took about a week of clothes that they put tags in. They don't have room for stuff. I did Moms wash for a while but everyone was smell free and clean I ended up allowing them. I was lucky, I visited every other day or so I talked with the Nurses and staff then. My Moms dementia had progressed where she couldn't use a phone. I only saw a SW when I had care meetings and to tell me Moms room was being changed. Never talked to a doctor. She was pretty healthy. The only time I talked to an activities director was when she asked about Moms likes and dislikes.
My Mom was on Medicaid. I allowed the Nursing home to become payee for her SS and pension. I was able to get all her hospital bills caught up and between Medicare and Medicaid didn't need to worry about bills anymore. She had a house. I stopped paying the taxes. Unplugged every appliance. Set up a lamp in the living room to come on at dark and go off at 11. I left a car in the driveway. I kept the thermostat at 55 in the winter. This was to reduce my out of pocket because Mom now had no money.
You shouldn't need to talk to therapy all the time. I just gave the therapist a run down on Moms problems, neuropathy in her ankles, a broken shoulder she can't lift over her head, etc. I also did not call my brothers all the time. They had rarely called Mom. Her friends, they eventually went by the wayside even her Church. If your phone is ringing off the wall, don't answer it. Even if its Mom. She needs to get used to her surroundings and staff.
So what I am saying is "this too will pass". When you return the calls be honest and say "I was taking a break". You don't need to give everyone a blow by blow. Just say she is doing well.
Currently visiting is limited due to a COVID outbreak there. As far as her friends, she was in the hospital and then had COVID during the Winter, so she was totally out of it and not able to talk to anyone. The calls were piling up on her answering machine at her apartment before we moved her to SNF.
Placing someone in a facility just changes the role you play. You are still a caregiver. You are an advocate as well. The job has not changed it is just that someone else does day to day stuff but the mental burden is still with you. And that can be just as exhausting as direct care.
Set aside a particular time of day that is for responding to calls, emails and mail that have to do with your mom. As a matter of fact if you can establish a second email address for just her "stuff" that would make it easier to do this.
If you have a land line shut off the answering machine. I am old enough to remember when the darn things did not exist. If you missed a call, if it was important they would call back! If it was not important then it does not matter if a message would have been left. If your friends or the facility REALLY needs to get hold of you I am sure you have a cell phone. (I don't even have a voicemail set up on my cell! and I can honestly say I like it that way. And the last message on my land line I think is a reminder for my Dr. appointment from February.)
Carve out a time for you each day. Do not answer the phone, or text, don't touch the computer (unless it is for a game or other pleasurable thing but it is best to get out and enjoy the sunshine. If it is lousy out read a book, listen to music, play a game of Solitaire ..with real cards.. Anything that will give you a break.
sounds very familiar.
little bit same situation as me.
what i’ve done, is set everything up in an ok way; right now things are calm; this means i can take a break.
remember, your loving mother wants you to live, too! she wants you to live your life fully. she wants you to do your hobbies, passions, alone-time, time with your husband.
hug!
i hope you can find a way, so it’s somehow possible for you to take a break.