Long story short I was my grandmas caregiver for many years. My nmom works fulltime along with 3 boys of her own that never really done much hard work in their lives but I digress. Being in a hispainic family we take care of our own and now I am in a dysfunctional pickle. About 2 yrs ago I fought my mom because of my so called b*tchy attitude regarding an event I couldn't take my youngest brother to. To shorten it more she kicked me out and turned the family agianst me, so I was exiled. Web cams were installed soon after I left, locks and doors changed. Obviously I wasn't wanted but my mom wouldn't hesitate to cash in on long term care years before my gma really needed it. She rarely helped out and left everything to me, along with yrs old me helping out raising and babysitting my 3 younger brothers, I had little time to work on my own future life plans. Many guilt trips later my mom convinced me to move in my childhome to care for my gma after her triple bypass surgery. Because "she was more of a mom to you so you should care for her." I am sure some can relate to this manipulation tactic but again this made me feel like it was my duty to carry on despite my already thin mental state. Now forward 2 yrs later, my gma had been in the care of a FAMILY FRIEND, not sure if she was certified or not but no matter it wasn't my mom of course like she kept saying she would care for her. I got a call from my cousin on the 18th saying my gma had a heart attack (she had CHF and vascular dementia) her decline was quick and no one took me seriously. I feel more alone than ever, now my aunt called me to let me know my biological Ndad is going to his EX mil wake and taking my half brother. Idk how to feel about this. But I cannot let my feelings get in the way of his healing process? But to be frankly honest I believe it's to make him look good. The funeral service for his own dad was all about my dad and how a sh*tty father my gpa was but a great soldier in the army he was and pushed him to be a better soldier blah blah. Anyway sorry to be so long but I cannot help but ruminate about this entire situation. My parents seem to like to toy with my empathic emotions and I am sick of it. I'm more depressed than ever and I dont see any light at the end. I just want to crawl in a hole. I feel so guitly but I want to see my grandmother and say goodbye. I didnt get that chance with my grandpa. Im afraid to repeat history but I am also very afraid of my parents and how influential they can be when it comes to their narcisstic supply. Even though I apologized to my parents (my mom because my recent confrontation is with her) she still hasn't made any effort. BUT she will tell anyone with an ear how much it hurts that she wants to talk to me. She knew how much I struggled. She just cared about money more. Sorry if it is long and probably not making much sense but I have a lot of conflicting feelings about wanting to say goodbye. Guilt, shame, wishing I had done things different. But here I am. Thank you again for your time. Any insight is welcomed.

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Go to the ceremony, and then leave. Say your goodbyes, be polite,, so no one can say you were rude and play into Moms drama. Do this for you and Gma,, Good luck.
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