How do I go on without mom?


My mother passed away at 4:30 pm on July 29th. She had been living with me for the past 3yrs. She stayed 1yr prior in an ALF, and before that I slept on the floor of their assisted living apt to care for Dad and keep them together. That began in 2010. Before that my days off work were shopping trips and Dr appts with movies and meals an added delight. I am the youngest 5 children and the only girl. I was told my whole life I would be needed to care for them in their "golden years". Knowing this I spent most my life living it up and in dysfunctional relationships. I was also well kept. I had my own issues from time to time my parents never gave up on me. When the time came that they needed full time help ( my mother had to have heart surgery and dad needed someone with him) I quit my job,cashed my 401k, and moved my parents to an independent living apt. They rented a LG 2 bed 2 Bath and the facility agreed to let me help with dad . Dad had Parkinson's for some time and before mom could return from recovering from her surgery he was placed on hospice. I used my 1year of unemployment to pay bills at the home I rented with my long-time boyfriend. My 401k payed my bills the next year. My father passed May 2012. I was allowed to stay with mom for almost another year . Oct mom ended up in hospital with an UTI and that Nov I hit my head and was out of it until Feb could not return to independent living, she had long term insurance and wanted to use it. My mother had never lived alone. I found a nice cottage like ALF and she moved in. That year was hard on both of us. I thought I would be visiting her during the week and the boys would visit weekends and all would be good. My 2 brothers in town only visited 3 Times between them that whole year. I convinced mom she would not be burdening me and she moved in Feb 2014. My boyfriend have the initial ok. I thought the boys would visit more often since she was no longer in a facility , I encouraged them to even stop by whenever..we all live within 10 moms of each other. Again visits were few and far between. I filled our time and holidays with friend's children, crafts, and gardening. Mom wasn't as eager to participate as I had dreamed. She missed dad and her Parkinson's had lessoned her abilities to use her hands the way she liked. She came to like my dog and appreciate being in my home. This last spring she had a couple of bouts with serious uti's and was in and out of the hospital. I'm may she had a hard fight and they released her home from hospital on hospice. She seemed her age now,91. Her decline reversed itself for awhile and then she got tired of being bedridden and all it entailed.the boys visited a couple times on my request. My one brother sat across the room while I held her hand and sang hymns with her until she passed. 1/2 weeks since she's been gone,I have nothing. My boyfriend of 20 yrs is self involved and doesn't seem to want to participate in our relationship let alone pay my way. Mom was giving me an allowance for caring for her and helping with food and paying for xtras. Now she is gone. My brothers I assume have stepped right back into their shoes. All having well paid careers. I have next month's rent paid and that's it. I'm a month behind on car payment and utilities will be due. I'm just now leaving the fog and beginning to grieve. Who will take care of me now?

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Dear 5thonlygirl,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved mother. I'm very sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is deep. You've given a lot to both your mother and father. I'm so sorry your boyfriend of 20 years is not as supportive as you hoped.

It is hard being the daughter. I can relate. My father passed away 10 months ago and I feel as you do. It is only natural and normal to feel lost and sad. Take more time for yourself to grieve the loss. Maybe consider counselling or grief support.

I know its not easy, but have faith in yourself. Use all the strength you had caring for your mom and dad for yourself. Now more than ever you have to be your own best friend. Yes, you made a huge sacrifice and it will be hard going forward, but I have every faith you can do it. Baby steps for now.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.
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You have devoted most of your life to living someone else's life with them; your dad, your mom and your boyfriend. That's not a horrific thing, but you know now that hindsight is 20/20 and somehow, during your caregiving years, you should have prepared for the inevitable. I've been married for 42 1/2 years. I have spent my married life being a wife and mother. I did not go to college and have no job skills other than being a teacher's aide. I'm too old to do that. My husband always handled the money, and when he became ill and it was up to me to hand,e the finances, I had to cross my fingers and do the best I could. When times got tough, I got on the Internet and researched what aid was available for us and applied for it. We got some. I am pretty sure now that if I were alone, I'd put up a good fight before I went under. I "grew up" when the times got rough.

You are lost in grief right now. My mom passed last November, and I am just starting to grieve now. Unfortunately, debtors don't care what you're going through. They want paid. Like the saying goes, you "need to put on big girl panties and get on with it. Not to say you discount your grieving. But when you're an adult with responsibilities, you need to take control. Send the narcissistic boyfriend South and live for yourself. Good luck!
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I'm sorry for your loss but you'll have to pull yourself up by the boot strings and go forward. In times like these you tend to find out who is on your side. Sounds like your BF is not.
Brush up on your interview skills, make a resume and get back out there!
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