Follow
Share

Hello! My elderly father is staying with me for awhile, I'm single-divorced, no kids. His wife passed away in March 2013. He's been with me for two months. He's got memory loss, and is willing to go to a doctor to see about it. He asks for help for many things, to the point that I'm struggling to help him. He doesn't have a good sense of his finances. His past two major purchases, I had to front the money. He told me recently that I "was in his business too much". This kind of prompts me to back -up from helping him, as he seems to be on the proud side. Also, he seems content with staying at my place. I don't think that would work well long-term, as I think it's be too much on me. Would I be okay in giving him a time-frame to 1) go back to a place he owns 2) go to assisted living?

Thanks!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
It can be hard sometimes to be compassionate enough but also direct enough to deliver a gentle kick to the pants when needed too. I think if there is one thing we could look at ourselves really hard for it would be the look-down-my-nose syndrome...you know the way someone from state #49 looks down at state #50 and says well at least we are better at _____ than #50!!

The truth is there are people who believe that no one should ever use a facility instead of caring at home for a parent. It is a value judgement they make, and are to some degree justifiably proud of. They can say to us and to themselves that however badly things are or were going, at least they never put Mom or Dad "in a home." I say "they" because I used facility care for my mom and she did that for my dad and great-grandmother, though my grandmother got home care in her own home. That said, I had bought a house based on accessibility, thinking maybe they would move in with us, and would have liked at least the idea of that, if not all of the realities...and that is what some people find, that the reality is not only not idyllic, but unbearable or untenable for any number of reasons.

After all I have read and listened and commented to on here, I can only conclude there is no one size fits all. I have read tales of valor and compassion, and tales of selfishness and intolerance. I also conclude there are very few people - a few, but very few - who post on here without their prime motive being to get help, to get new ideas or information, to find out if what they have chosen is condemnable versus laudable, because they care very very much for their loved one who needs care and it matters very very much that they do the right thing. The fact that there may not be any one right thing does not change that.

Yes, we should be kind, and realistic, and encouraging, and gentle when we perceive a need to correct something. And we should become more aware of the points of view out there that differ from our own, and be as tolerant of them as seems reasonable.

So yeah. Be nice, lots of us are in the battle of our lives and feeling fragile, and may even be fragile. But also be a little thick-skinned in case others who are in the battle of their lives slip a little and arent as nice as would be ideal. I'll keep doing my best and noticing that darn near everybody here is doing their best too.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It would be compassionate to talk with each other in a more supportive way. We all are telling with various levels of grief, frustration, love or lack of love, and fatigue. I thought this was a network for support. I'd hate to see it devolve, succumb to our individual frustrations.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Redhead hasn't experienced the decline that happens with dementia. My mother, who would NEVER have doubted me a year ago, asked for proof that I put the money in her acct. for buying her car. By the time I got it all together, she wasn't as interested anymore. But will she even remember that I brought them to show her? No, I probably wouldn't step up for a parent who abused me or each other, But even then I might feel guilt over it. Just saying....
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

To ThereIsNoTry, there is no reason on earth to include a parent in your life if they behave in a way that is disrespectful of you. You apparently are lucky enough have not experienced a dreadful parent, and your worldview is in line with that. So don't give any Pollyanna advice. We need realistic advice here. Abusive parents are NOT entitled to our care. When a parent has spent a good deal of your lupbringing ife punching you in the face, knocking you over with fists and words, they are NOT entitled to our care. So please choose your advice carefully and stop spreading pointless 'guilt'.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

To ThereIsNoTry i soooo agree that they are entitled to care instead of what a great job we do.
They ARE entitled to it!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

sorry, not "Regardless of their issues" but "working through (or with) their issues"
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You are all misinterpreting handsup and marie1969 you are sounding more harsh than you feel I think. Parents deserve and are entitled to your help when they need it - the question is the meaning of the word help. Sometimes it means help to get help, not to do any caregiving even, but to oversee someone who will so that they are not overlooked or mistreated. Please step back a moment and realize we are all on the same page here on this forum. Even Debralee has expressed this - help him find a place..... and ALWAYS live your own life, a life that includes your parents regardless of their issues.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Well, as for Debralee's answer, didn't work for me! I am the only child who is in my mothers life. (one sibling moved away nearly 20 years ago, no contact.)
It's a long story, but in short, my step dad took his life last year and then it became obvious that my mom needed lots of help. I had been checking her mail and some help, and trying to get them to move near me, they were an hour away, plus helping with dealing with finances. When your parent has a breakdown, which wasn't surprising in this case, you do what needs to be done. I had a place in mind and got her in assisted living, within 6 weeks but she can't afford it. It was the best I could find, so we pay the balance. Also bought her car and put the money in savings to help her. (out of my retirement savings) She has accused me of stealing it and now wants to see the bank statement where I deposited it. Thanks, in part to this sight, I have kept everything and can show her. Mags, I agree with comments saying "get legal paperwork done, diagnosis if he has dementia and as soon as possible get him in assisted living . dealing with selling his home and all the unforeseen things is extra hard when you are also trying to get them to adjust to
Assisted Living at the same time! God bless, and I hope you are getting started and don't have the "roadblocks" I had to face". I really hope you have siblings to help, but I believe mine would interfere more than help since he has little or no idea what is going on with her. Know that this journey is painful, hard and sometimes you want someone else to take over, but no one does.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Oh, also, if you are for any reason unable to do this stuff, that is ok also. It is hard work and has it's costs on your well being. The bottom line your Dad needs is to know you love him, and you are helping keep him safe and well.

also, disclaimer, I am not an expert at any of this.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Take your Dad to the doctor, and see what is going on with him. Get referrals to a neurologist, a geriatric MD if the primary care doctor is unable to clearly tell what is happening. This might let you know if this is a dip in function after the death of his wife or a progressive condition. It sounds progressive. They might be able to estimate how long he has to live, and you can see if that is something you could manage. If they can not be clear, there are social worker's trained to evaluate housing and care levels. He sounds like he would not do well in assisted living and may need more. We had my dad in assisted living for one month, it was $6000 with visiting nurses, and he did not thrive there.

Also, check and see what can be done about his home. This might take an elder care CPA. Check with the state and see if they will take his home to compensate for Medicaid paid in his care.

If he lives near you, see about in home care. If you live in an apartment see if he could move to an open one near you. That way you can "visit" him and have in home care which his MD might be able to order so it could be covered by insurance. Check his insurance, see what it covers. Long term care insurance can cover more assistance than regular insurance.

I took my parent's into my home, thinking it would be a short term thing. My mother died a year ago, and my father continues to live with me, now for two years. I would not have thought I could do this, but with respite for me, it is working out. My dad is less dependent if there is a predictable schedule. He continues to decline, even forgot he ate dinner last night and was scrounging for food an hour later.

Some people have semi separate "apartments" in their homes for parents, (or adult children), and that gives privacy while maintaining safety.

My brother handles the financial end of stuff, has Power of Financial Attorney. Both parents had Advance Directives which was massively helpful. If you do this with your Dad, also check and see what his burial wishes are. We had to come up with documents while grieving mom. Once you know what he wants, you have less stress at a time when you don't really need more.

Good luck with your decision. I hope you have someone you can talk to about your feelings in this. Also, if you have siblings, delegate and use e-mail to keep each other up to date and on the same page.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It helps to give him a choice instead of just TELLING him what he has to do. If you put it as "Dad, we have a month to get you back to your place or to an assisted living place." It just sounds better than "You have a month to get out 'cause you are driving me batty." (In hindsight you probably should have put a time limit in place before he moved in.)
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I agree with 1956Sherry. Those of us who no longer have folks would regret Not helping them. Yes, Mags, he Says those things, but wow, that's not Him talking but the dementia... Hugs, I know it's not easy but he's your dad. Get some help, though. It can be too much for one person, especially alone and you might consider a nice Small facility, one that's in a house, so it's not a huge change and shock, living in a place that's more hospital or hotel than home.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I assume you don't want him to be in your place when things go worse. So yes, you should bring him to assisted living facility near your place..people like you, who doesn't understand aging parents attitude and behaviors should really send their parents to a facility where they can really be taken care of.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Yes, set a time frame with him. First, do some research with living alternatives in the area, visit some (just you at first); understand what they offer, finances, long term caregiving they can offer, etc. Have you had Dad medically examined with a mental health work up? If not, get that completed as well. Then, once you've narrowed down a couple, take Dad to visit.

Then have the talk and let him know you love him but long term, he will need to find permanent living arrangements that can meet his needs. Admit you don't want to "be in his business".

Agree with others, my mom accuses me of being in her business and is increasingly suspicious and distrustful of my interference or concern over her. This is part of the disease (dementia and ALZ) and only gets worse.

You deserve a life too and aren't obligated to care for Dad. Its okay, many of us here aren't full time caregivers for our parents because circumstances don't allow us (working full time, families, or just by choice -- know it will not work for us).

Encourage your proud dad that he deserves to have his independence and can do so and have a fuller life with a little assistance. Take him to visit some housing alternatives, and then tell him that you will be there for him and help with the move and that he needs to find new place within 90 days. If he wants to return to his home -- then that is an option and he can agree to outside help (housekeeping, meals on wheels, part time care-giver or companion to help him with meals, errands, shopping, etc. a couple days a week or a few hours a week).
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

We do not owe anyone anything in this world......Just do the best you can...with what you have...in the kindest way possible...what you put out into the world..will come back to you one day....Our own children learn from what we do...and how we treat our parents...is what they will do for us..as it will seem natural to them..since well we did it.....We do not raise our kids to come back and take care of us ....that is for sure...and the little bit of bitterness he is digging up..is probably so you will set a limit...what ever you do...be sure you can live with yourself later in life............and will have no regrets....No one said you have to be selfless...or give till it hurts..or give up your life.....YOU only do what is good for you..It is sure not easy.....
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Give him a deadline, and Assisted Living is probably his best bet.

He 'apparently' isn't paying you to live in your house, is he contributing money at all? He wouldn't put up with that for you, if the situation were reversed.

He's not being up front about his financial situation, yet realizes he's got memory loss and is willing to pursue a diagnosis? Then, you should get him to buy long term care health insurance BEFORE He gets a dementia diagnosis from a doctor. Otherwise, Medicaid will have to kick in and anything he owns will become attached as an asset to help defray his cost of care. Then it won't matter what his finances are, they'll all go to the government to pay for AL and the NH.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Mags does not owe her father a place to live. My mother will not live with me. Each of us have a different dynamic with our families and parents. No one should be forced or feel guilty about not doing the hands on care.

Your father is not a helpless baby. He is a grown man. And no one should make you feel guilty about your decision. Good luck to you.

And, by the way, I will be a senior citizen soon. I would never force my girls to take me in and ruin their lives. Not as long as I can move a muscle and complete a normal thought. :)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Get help and explore options. Dad may not be able to do that on his own, but he can with help. And often a third party explaining about different ideas will be better received than an adult child. A comprehensive geriatric evaluation could be a really good idea, and an estate planner and work on the POAs could prove to be critical.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

No one HAS to be a caregiver for an elderly parent!!!!! It is a choice and not an obligation! Mags12, your helped your dad, he has a negative attitude, now is the time he live elsewhere. No one should tell you to stay out of their business when you have helped him financially and live under your roof. Help your dad find a place to live and then live your own life.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Don't take anything to personal...Meaning..You are in his business to much..sounds like dementia...and even though it looks like your dad, sounds like your dad....the brain that once was your dads...is deteriorating..and the signals getting crossed...you say he is willing..then TAKE HIM NOW...after a certain point..there is not COME BACK...but you can delay with proper care some forms of Dementia...My husband is still in denial..so I just don't bring is up anymore...we are past the 2nd stage and there is no going back or HOLDING off this disease...and I had no POWER over his choices for medical treatment ...he refused everything..and the one pill he was on..as the doc took a SHOT in the DARK for his own benefit..he stopped taking it..If you left your dad to his OWN...on his OWN PLACE...he has...could he manage not to lock himself out...take him self places he needs to go...keep from burning the house down while cooking...keep himself clean...and the house..can he take the trash out..?? Is he keeping up with the Bills over the time he is with you from his house or place he lives....YOU do not have to give a TIME FRAME....go do a house check on that place if it has been two months..take him with you..make sure burglars have not been there..take him with you...and he will soon long to be in his own bed...or you can set him up with a house keeper who will look after him several days a week...along with a monitor he wears...or a Facility..depending on what you can afford...A house keeper would be cheaper with extra chores for her...or a Care taker...for the home and him...if nothing else...you get POA and sell both places and buy one for both of you that will work...side by side...you have options...but first..a diagnosis...could be depression...just try to be a kind as you can...My dad is dead...he will never trouble me again....and now that he is gone...I can look back and say...it really was no trouble at all...I drove him to every Chemo...every radiation...ever doctor appointment..I sold my business, my waterfront property, my home...he died anyway...today I have lil cozy home, I am alive..I have a new job..in a new place, and I am not sorry one bit...and I have no regrets...
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

@123hands up: WOW that's extremely harsh don't you think? Granted every situation is different but after actually living it myself with my in laws for the past 14 years, I know exactly what they are referring to as giving a time limit. And we don't always choose the situations that we have been given. Many times we have no other choice than to help at that given time. Also we do love our parents but many times it becomes too hard to bear because raising a child is different than helping parents in their elder years. You can not send a parent to their room for not listening. Also many times like mine, my husbands sister wants nothing to do with the situation and is extremely selfish but his brother helps as much as we do. Being at someone's beck and call is extremely exhausting and it wears you down quickly. Plus its unhealthy on one person. We have tried getting the ball rolling with WILLS, TRUSTS, POA's and they always tell us they will think about it but then nothing ever gets accomplished and we feel as though we are just living a nightmare from Groundhog Day. My mother in law has never taken care of her health and now it has become everybody's problem. My husband has always been there for his parents but when he must say no and tough love it because we can not allow it to control our lives, she gets very upset and calls him very inconsiderate even if he has been there every day for the past month. If he misses one day, he's inconsiderate because she needs him. Well we have a mortgage, jobs and our lives to deal with as well and she doesn't seem to care who she hurts in the process. Its the classic narcissistic behavior. My father in law has dementia and she thinks that he can still care for her at home with all her ailments of not being able to walk, dress herself or get to the bathroom; plus she's on dialysis. He has his own issues to deal with and shouldn't need to worry about hers at his age. So I think there should be a time limit but each individual situation will determine how long. I wish you a lot of strength and luck Mags12. God Bless & Hang in there my friend. :-)
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Boundaries with him may be the answer if he is still able to respect and act on them, but that is doubtful if he is asking for lots of help. In agreement with others who post to get him evaluated while he is willing to do so and get POA and other legal/financial paperwork in place for his care and protection. It's a big job and if it isn't one you are up to, hopefully there is someone else who is. In that case, be prepared to accept decisions made for him without your input. Our elders so struggle with the need for help versus their loss of total control of their lives! That struggle shows up in many ways, some of which are very unpleasant (e.g. verbal beratings, lies told to others, tantrums,etc.) stemming from their fears and paranoia and sheer loss of ability due to aging or disease (or in my mother's case, longstanding mental issues). If you can participate in some way in his care (like finding a place for him, helping him get assessed, getting his finances in order/protected) you may be happier with yourself in the long run but you are smart to recognize your limits for the long term. The short version: time limits don't work too well for those with memory loss, declining physical health, or oncoming dementia---all whose main description is unpredictability! Do the best you can for him without totally losing yourself. Treat him as you would like to be treated without sacrificing your own health and sanity. Many of us know exactly where you are and pray for the best possible outcome for all concerned.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think it would be a great time to sit down with a social worker for the elderly as a mediator perhaps, or go see a geriatrician. I would sit down and discuss options that available to him and viable. What can he do by himself, independent living, or assisted living discussion. I would discuss the need for POAs, either you, his lawyer or someone trusted to help with financial and medical issues should need be. It is relatively early days with both of your loss, a very hard time no doubt for your dad missing his partner, he may feel quite lost and alone. I would approach it all as wanting to help him be as happy, healthy and independent as possible and what can you do now to make sure all of his wishes and needs are met. Forget time frames imo at this stage of the game. Put a plan into action and help he get there if you want to help him. Just love him and treat him like you would like to be treated.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I agree with 123handsup.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree that you need to get him evaluated and then find out the care available for him. Don't pay his bills. They aren't your concern. Don't take any of his money for yourself even is he offers it. This could affect his options for Medicaid paying for a nursing home later on. DO get POA for financial and medical for yourself or another capable person in the family. Do get him out of your home after he is evaluated and into his home with help or a nursing home. Monitor his finances, but don't make him feel like a child.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

wow handsup your a real winner. Just because a parent looked after their children doesn't mean that the children have to look after their parents. I know I care for my mom and its very trying at times. She doesn't have dementia but other health problems. I have no privacy and I can't live my life the way I should be. If I had my time back when she broke her hip and SAID she was moving in with me I would have thought long and hard before I made the decision to take her in. I reared my children and I have told them I would NEVER expect them to care of me. A parent IS NOT a childs responsibility. You do whatever is best for you Mags you deserve to live your own life and not have anyone live it for you...Take care
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

the only thing I have to say about what ferris1 said (hears it from a doctor the info gets heard)........not necessarily. Not if you have a parent that "hates" doctors except for the one doctor they had 45 + years ago. My father hates all doctors and always an event to get him to go so good luck. I know my time is coming with different issues (or should I say, my brother and I). good luck to all on this site.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Caregiving anyone is a huge responsibility. It is not easy, nor should it be entered into lightly. Just because he is your father, doesn't mean you have to care for him if his presence is a burden to you. Check out having help come into his home. It is I assume already paid for, because assisted living places are very expensive. You would have to sell his house, list it, stage it, etc. Kind of defeating the purpose of getting him other arrangements...Listen to your gut, and since he is making irrational monetary decisions have a doctor evaluate him soon so he will know what he is dealing with himself. I found if the patient hears it from a doctor (someone other than who he is related to), the information gets heard. Best of luck!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

First I would get a POA in place naming you or someone that would provide that care later on when it is needed as the POA. Second not sure why you fronted monies for his purchases. Its ok to say sorry dad but I can't front you the money. If he doesn't have the money then he can't buy it. Next If you are not intending to care for him long term he sounds like he really can't live alone anymore and assisted living or memory care unit would be the best way to go if he has the funds to pay for it. If he needs state assistance to pay for that type of care then really I think they only pay for long term care at a nursing home. you should have him evaluated for competency to make sure mentally and medically he is considered capable of doing for him self. Its not easy to start down the road of caring for our elderly parents but someone has to do it.

Last year when my mother in law had a stroke I thought we would have to have her here for her recovery and then she could go back to live in her home. But that wasn't the case one of the things we did in the after care was have a psychiatric evaluation done and she was found to have several issues with mental illness that contributed to the way she functioned and interacted with us. Because of the mental illness she was deemed incompetent (not the goal at the time) to make decisions on any aspect of her care or finances. Now she gets meds and counseling which has helped tremendously!! She needs someone in our house 24/7. We had to make a choice to keep her with us or put her in a care facility. We renovated the basement (which actually in the back is at ground level) to be her apartment. I can hear her and check on her with out her being in my business or making her feel like we are in hers. So far its working out. She isn't always happy with me either but usually the one doing the caring is the one they will be hardest on because they know you will be there. Unfortunately for their own good someone has to be the "bad guy" and make sure they have the care they now need.

If you really don't feel like you can do this then talk to the doctor to see if he even should be on his own first then go from there. Try to get in touch with some of the senior services out there every town has access to something. Your Doctors office may be able to direct you to some.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

how old were you when your mother and father gave you a time limit? were you one of those perfect kids that made them so proud and than moved out on you own with no help from them? I wonder !! We all have to struggle with aging parents, a time limit for your dad should probably be about the same time limit you had from him. Hate to be so harsh, I know it's hard, you made the choose to help, just because it's hard does not mean we quit, good luck love a lot than cry
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter