Should I give elderly father a time-frame to move out? Should I cut back my help to a proud father?

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Hello! My elderly father is staying with me for awhile, I'm single-divorced, no kids. His wife passed away in March 2013. He's been with me for two months. He's got memory loss, and is willing to go to a doctor to see about it. He asks for help for many things, to the point that I'm struggling to help him. He doesn't have a good sense of his finances. His past two major purchases, I had to front the money. He told me recently that I "was in his business too much". This kind of prompts me to back -up from helping him, as he seems to be on the proud side. Also, he seems content with staying at my place. I don't think that would work well long-term, as I think it's be too much on me. Would I be okay in giving him a time-frame to 1) go back to a place he owns 2) go to assisted living?

Thanks!

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I would suggest looking for an assisted living or Memory Care program. Sounds like he needs to have a Power of Attorney assigned for finance and also one for health care. Has anyone in the family broached these topics with your father? Unfortunately, you are now in the position of needing to be more proactive in caring for your father, much like your parents did for you when you were a child unable to make decisions for yourself. It sounds like it is time for a family meeting with your siblings, if you have any, or contacting your local Department on Aging to assist you with the activities that need to be done to adequately care for your elderly father.
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how old were you when your mother and father gave you a time limit? were you one of those perfect kids that made them so proud and than moved out on you own with no help from them? I wonder !! We all have to struggle with aging parents, a time limit for your dad should probably be about the same time limit you had from him. Hate to be so harsh, I know it's hard, you made the choose to help, just because it's hard does not mean we quit, good luck love a lot than cry
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Caregiving anyone is a huge responsibility. It is not easy, nor should it be entered into lightly. Just because he is your father, doesn't mean you have to care for him if his presence is a burden to you. Check out having help come into his home. It is I assume already paid for, because assisted living places are very expensive. You would have to sell his house, list it, stage it, etc. Kind of defeating the purpose of getting him other arrangements...Listen to your gut, and since he is making irrational monetary decisions have a doctor evaluate him soon so he will know what he is dealing with himself. I found if the patient hears it from a doctor (someone other than who he is related to), the information gets heard. Best of luck!
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wow handsup your a real winner. Just because a parent looked after their children doesn't mean that the children have to look after their parents. I know I care for my mom and its very trying at times. She doesn't have dementia but other health problems. I have no privacy and I can't live my life the way I should be. If I had my time back when she broke her hip and SAID she was moving in with me I would have thought long and hard before I made the decision to take her in. I reared my children and I have told them I would NEVER expect them to care of me. A parent IS NOT a childs responsibility. You do whatever is best for you Mags you deserve to live your own life and not have anyone live it for you...Take care
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I'm helping my Mother with her finances and she gets upset with me sometimes. I put together a simple spreadsheet for both are benefit. I also pay her bills on-line and transfer a certain amount of her income for saving and non-monthly expenses. But she still has her "control" over her finances with my oversight. It can get frustrating and sometimes I have to back off and approach an issue another time. Try explaining your just trying to help and you're sorry if you're being too pushy. This can go a long way in smoothing over hurt feelings. I also explain how I am feeling. For me, timing it correctly is a big factor, too. If my Mom is tired or is just not in the mood to discuss finances, it helps to try again later.

Don't know on on the moving issue. Have you talked to him about it? How is his physical/mental health? Do you live nearby? Are there senior services available in your area?

I live in across the country from my Mom and call everyday to check on her.
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I think it would be a great time to sit down with a social worker for the elderly as a mediator perhaps, or go see a geriatrician. I would sit down and discuss options that available to him and viable. What can he do by himself, independent living, or assisted living discussion. I would discuss the need for POAs, either you, his lawyer or someone trusted to help with financial and medical issues should need be. It is relatively early days with both of your loss, a very hard time no doubt for your dad missing his partner, he may feel quite lost and alone. I would approach it all as wanting to help him be as happy, healthy and independent as possible and what can you do now to make sure all of his wishes and needs are met. Forget time frames imo at this stage of the game. Put a plan into action and help he get there if you want to help him. Just love him and treat him like you would like to be treated.
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@123hands up: WOW that's extremely harsh don't you think? Granted every situation is different but after actually living it myself with my in laws for the past 14 years, I know exactly what they are referring to as giving a time limit. And we don't always choose the situations that we have been given. Many times we have no other choice than to help at that given time. Also we do love our parents but many times it becomes too hard to bear because raising a child is different than helping parents in their elder years. You can not send a parent to their room for not listening. Also many times like mine, my husbands sister wants nothing to do with the situation and is extremely selfish but his brother helps as much as we do. Being at someone's beck and call is extremely exhausting and it wears you down quickly. Plus its unhealthy on one person. We have tried getting the ball rolling with WILLS, TRUSTS, POA's and they always tell us they will think about it but then nothing ever gets accomplished and we feel as though we are just living a nightmare from Groundhog Day. My mother in law has never taken care of her health and now it has become everybody's problem. My husband has always been there for his parents but when he must say no and tough love it because we can not allow it to control our lives, she gets very upset and calls him very inconsiderate even if he has been there every day for the past month. If he misses one day, he's inconsiderate because she needs him. Well we have a mortgage, jobs and our lives to deal with as well and she doesn't seem to care who she hurts in the process. Its the classic narcissistic behavior. My father in law has dementia and she thinks that he can still care for her at home with all her ailments of not being able to walk, dress herself or get to the bathroom; plus she's on dialysis. He has his own issues to deal with and shouldn't need to worry about hers at his age. So I think there should be a time limit but each individual situation will determine how long. I wish you a lot of strength and luck Mags12. God Bless & Hang in there my friend. :-)
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Don't take anything to personal...Meaning..You are in his business to much..sounds like dementia...and even though it looks like your dad, sounds like your dad....the brain that once was your dads...is deteriorating..and the signals getting crossed...you say he is willing..then TAKE HIM NOW...after a certain point..there is not COME BACK...but you can delay with proper care some forms of Dementia...My husband is still in denial..so I just don't bring is up anymore...we are past the 2nd stage and there is no going back or HOLDING off this disease...and I had no POWER over his choices for medical treatment ...he refused everything..and the one pill he was on..as the doc took a SHOT in the DARK for his own benefit..he stopped taking it..If you left your dad to his OWN...on his OWN PLACE...he has...could he manage not to lock himself out...take him self places he needs to go...keep from burning the house down while cooking...keep himself clean...and the house..can he take the trash out..?? Is he keeping up with the Bills over the time he is with you from his house or place he lives....YOU do not have to give a TIME FRAME....go do a house check on that place if it has been two months..take him with you..make sure burglars have not been there..take him with you...and he will soon long to be in his own bed...or you can set him up with a house keeper who will look after him several days a week...along with a monitor he wears...or a Facility..depending on what you can afford...A house keeper would be cheaper with extra chores for her...or a Care taker...for the home and him...if nothing else...you get POA and sell both places and buy one for both of you that will work...side by side...you have options...but first..a diagnosis...could be depression...just try to be a kind as you can...My dad is dead...he will never trouble me again....and now that he is gone...I can look back and say...it really was no trouble at all...I drove him to every Chemo...every radiation...ever doctor appointment..I sold my business, my waterfront property, my home...he died anyway...today I have lil cozy home, I am alive..I have a new job..in a new place, and I am not sorry one bit...and I have no regrets...
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No one HAS to be a caregiver for an elderly parent!!!!! It is a choice and not an obligation! Mags12, your helped your dad, he has a negative attitude, now is the time he live elsewhere. No one should tell you to stay out of their business when you have helped him financially and live under your roof. Help your dad find a place to live and then live your own life.
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Get help and explore options. Dad may not be able to do that on his own, but he can with help. And often a third party explaining about different ideas will be better received than an adult child. A comprehensive geriatric evaluation could be a really good idea, and an estate planner and work on the POAs could prove to be critical.
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