My Mom wants to go to asst living to get away from me her only daughter, Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My Mom wants to go to asst living to get away from me her only daughter, Any advice?

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I am her POA. My Mom does very well in her home, she cooks, takes her meds etc.she does have the start of dementia, she is also parinoide I go over to her house every other day to see if she is ok, she can not drive doctors orders, any help thank you

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Vstefans thank you, yea it is rent from my mom. I plan on going back to counseling. Thanks :)
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I was checking out a nearby AL facility, and the person said that they had several units that were occupied as apartments. Those residents didn't need any help, but lived there anyhow and participated however they wanted to in activities and joined the patient residents for meals. If the "apartment" residents develop the need for assisted living they are right there already. Just a thought.
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I'm in the hoarder mthr boat. We plopped mthr down in a memory care AL when we rescued her from dementia caused by a bleeding cancer. Cancer's gone, she's not. This is one of the most disagreeable narcissistic hoarding hermits you will meet. AL has been the best thing for *all* of us. We all need our space and our lives, and she has hers separate from ours.

Once we started her on Zoloft in AL, she has turned into a much different person who actually introduces people, tries to give hugs (I'm not getting that close to her tho), and chats with friends at the dinner table. An antidepressant might be a good thing to try - it is something I read about somewhere on Children of Hoarders or another hoarding site. Ask the doctor if he would prescribe it since her anger and hoarding are signs of depression.
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Sunflo you could try a little reserve psychology tell her you hope she never wants to leave and how much you would miss her if she does
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By all means -- SUPPORT THE MOVE! This might be the best thing and don't take it personally; maybe she realizes she needs more help or is feeling more overwhelmed or paranoid. If she is willing to go/consider, it may be a more positive experience and better chance for success to get her adjusted.

Better yet, this will give you both the quality time you need to spend together vs. constant worry and monitoring and tending to her day-to-day needs. You can give up the care-taking and be the daughter you want to be in her remaining years.

She may be more willing to make new friends and participate -- despite past patterns. My mom is totally anti-social and hateful towards old friends and neighbors but when she was in behavioural center (temporarily); they reported she adjusted and even mom admitted she made new friends "she could relate to and were in her same age and state".

I wish my mom would go and beg her but can only wish that time will come soon.
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Marylyn, don't let her paying your motrgage become an obstacle (gifting). Make sure there is some kind of a statement that it is "rent" and fair market value. If all she is doing is buying the right to make you miserable it is time for a change. If you want to contiune as a multi-generation household, get some family counseling on how to not push each other's buttons or if that's not possible, some counseling just for you on how to avoid being guilt tripped when you are not actually doing anything wrong!
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special225, let her be antisocial in the assisted living center.
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my mom is also anti-social and does not like anyone, I have tried to suggest the Sr center for things she likes to play cards, but mostly by herself, she has her knitting and does crafts, but she likes to be alone, and has always has, when she was in the nursing home she hated it, and wanted to be home, I tried to hire a caregiver but she thew then out. very anti-social.
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Pstiergman as always is correct let her go with all the help she needs. This disease can progress so rapidly and she may already be seeing signs in herself that make her want to move.
Marylyn. Your Mom is not going to get any better so the time has already arrived for you to take charge and tell her she is going to ALF not when she chooses but now. Your sanity is not going to survive much longer. As far as cutting off all communications when she leaves that is her choice. It is not good for you, your husband and especially your son to live in the same house as this disruptive woman. It is your home reclaim it.
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Most of us here have just the opposite problem. Yes, let her go to assisted living! She will be with folks her own age, and have a lot more social life than she has now. Just promise yourself that you won't bring her back from it, because as the dementia increases she will constantly change her mind. She will try to manipulate things to her advantage. If she wants to move DO IT!
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