I am getting to the point I may have to put Mom in a facility. Any advise, words of wisdom etc?

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I feel like it's me or her and I cannot let her consume my life.


My mother is 91 and has blocked carotid arteries. I am starting to wonder if she has vascular dementia. She talks to herself and then says it wasn't her talking.She always thinks I am plotting to send her to a nursing home. She is completely deaf and I write everything down for her so she understand but she continues to talk negatively about me all of the time when I am the only family member taking care of her. I am getting annoyed by her accusations and demands for things. She doesn't ask politely for things, she just says "get me this or get me that". I feel a little courtesy and grattitude would go a long way. I have a full time career and I am taking care of her too. A little more background, until January 2016 she was living on her own, then she had surgery and I took her into my home as she could not live alone anymore. My siblings wanted to put her in a home. In any event, they don't check in on her, it's all on me. I would not mind and took her in because I didn't think she belonged in a home yet, but a year later I am wondering what I got myself into. I have no motivation, I don't exercise anymore. It's all about her and she says "it's owed to her". I am getting to the point I may have to put her in a facility because I feel like it's me or her and I cannot let her consume my life. Any advise, words of wisdom etc?

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HI Staceyb, thanks for asking! I am doing ok. Still working on a facility. We came to an agreement to wait until April unless she declines before then. So things got a little better but she was testy yesterday.

My siblings have not stepped up, that has not changed and never will.

How are you doing?  How is your situation?

You take care also my friend! xo
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Logan, how are you fairing? Any progress, finding a place for your Mom? Have things gotten any better or worse? Have your siblings stepped up to help at all?

I'm hoping that you are continuing to seek more appropriate housing and care for your Mom! Keep us informed, as we all learn from one another, and it helps to see how others find their way to better living! Take care Sweetie!
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That's right Logan, it's time to do the best thing for you and your Mom! Don't listen to negativity! It's not constructive, and doesn't apply to your situation. You are thinking about what's best for your Mom right now! You are Just as Important in this equation! Without you being fit and healthy enough to continue to manage her care, then where would she be? Out on the streets? Do the right thing for the Both of you! Good luck Sweetie!
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Thank you Staceyb!

Maren, you nailed it on the head.

Zythr, That is your narrow perspective on a situation. You didn't shed any light on the situation. Maybe some elderly do feel that way about assisted living facilities or nursing homes....but they also feel like that at home too. That is a concern she has no matter where she is. I brought my mother into my home as I thought she didn't need to be in a nursing home yet...a year later I am finding out why I was wrong...She is in no condition to make that decision on her own.
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Zythrr, you are like the Grimm Reaper of Aging Care, and you come on here to incite trouble, in the name of Fun! Why ever do you do that? Are you the Authority on how to place blame on everyone who can no longer care AT HOME, for their Parent? My guess is that you crry an enormous amount of guilt, and are pushing it upon everybody else! Otherwise, you would be sharing Compassion and Concern! Which is what we All need, and are seeking on here!
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Zythrr, Of Course it's the LAST PLACE! Unless you take them out for a trip to Disneyland! Sometimes you come on her and spout off the most derogatory and discouraging remarks, that in No Way, help the OP with their original question!

Why do you do that? Yes, I understand that you had a bad experience! End of life care is Rarely a pleasant journey! We all will one day degenerate and fall into the catagory of decrepit old person! Why not Try, to bolster one another up, rather than pile on the unesassary guilt, in a situation that has become unmanageable?

We all try and or are trying, to improve the situation of our LO's, and often more importantly ourselves! So many of us have been at this for years, and in my case 20+ years!

Get of you soap box, thay Nursing homes and the like, are a place to go to die, eventually! They are, of course they are! We are all going to die sometime, someplace! Hopefully it is a nice enough place, for the person concerned!

The OP is trying to make the best for the better good of All affected.

I'm tired of hearing your Negativity! Its not helpful nor Constructive!
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..., the rest of their lives because it was set up for all phases of the disease until death.
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staceyb

I understand that, Thank you, but sad as it is more than likely this is the last place for OP'S mom. No, this was not the same situation for my parents. In fact my father did not have a chance to get old, since he was killed in the Vietnam War. My mom was a sweet caring person, too much so.

Lest you think I' m not speaking the truth about being the last place, there is a place that recently opened for people with Alz and dementia, where the lady interviewed proudly mentioned, once there, the patient/resident could stay there th
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Hi Logan, you said you were beginning to think that your mom had "vascular dementia". I think the first thing you want to do is have your mom evaluated so that you find out for sure, although it sounds to me that she definitely has some kind of dementia--it could be Alzheimer's like my mother. I also took my mom to live with me in January 2016, and on the 9th, we are coming up on our first year anniversary. I am also looking to put my mom into a residential setting because I feel that I can no longer manage her as she goes deeper into her dementia. She also doesn't say thank you for the things I do for her--she often attributes what I do for her with my other siblings--I am the youngest of 4, have one brother who lives in Texas and 2 sisters who live in within driving distance of us but who seldom come to visit our mom--so it is basically me. I have a friend of the family who stays with my mom when I need to get out, so I do have some relief. But knowing for sure that my mother has Alzheimer's, while not making my situation one bit easier, allows me not to personalize her behavior. Her comments are not always pleasant, I still get angry, frustrated, resentful, and all of the other things we caregivers feel--but I can always come back to know that my mom has this terrible disorder that makes her do, say and believe things that are some times so absurd. And knowing that she has this, makes me focus more on delving deep down and finding the compassion that I need to deal with her. I consider how it must feel from her side to be confused, angry, and so totally lost, even when physically in my home, she's never been in a safer, more comfortable place. This morning my almost 94 year old mother woke up and told me that she wanted to go home to her parents and her brothers and sisters. She is one of 2 siblings out of 9 who is still alive...and needless to say her parents have long since died, and yet she yearns for them. She hates staying here with me, but there is no way I can take this personally. My mom's independence was everything to her and now (in her mind) she must live in a place she hates with someone she doesn't always know. I am a 65 year old retired teacher who has also lived an independent life and so when I put myself in her shoes, it enables me to stop, take a deep breath and keep going.

That being said, you and I ( and caregivers everywhere) have to take care of ourselves. I am a couple of weeks from making the decision to move my mom because I think she needs more than me and needs to be an environment that caters to her 24/7--something I can no longer do. Whenever you make your decision, feel good that you stepped up and have taken care of her this long--many people can't. Don't feel guilty about what you have to do to reclaim your life--you would be absolutely no good to her completely burned out. My grown son who lives in NY told me he was proud of me for taking in his Nana, the only person who offered to do so. I am proud of me too.
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Oops, I hit send. My father-in-law laid all of those responsibilities of caring for his own father on his sister, interestingly enough!

Jessie, I think that you should start a thread with that Header, BIRTH CERTIFICATES SHOULD COME WITH A "PAID IN FULL STAMP" ON THEM, I'll support you, as will many of us, as people shouldn't expect their children to be their mainstay in their elder years! I do believe that there should be governmental assistance and guidelines set up, to streamline people into helping their elderly parents into the proper programs for living and housing. People should plan for these years, not everyone can or do, especially when their biggest wage earnings years are cut at the legs, as you are forced into caring for your Senior parents.

Yes, I do believe that your children should Want to aid and assist in the guidance of getting your parents proper care and assistance, but not at the detriment of their own lives.

There are ways to do this, and I am only just learning to do this myself! We have made many mistakes along the way, as we just didn't know how, plus, we are of the generation who were groomed to do just that! We had no other examples! I wont do that to my own kids!

Plant me in a Nursing home! Ill be the sweet little old lady, who is as sweet as pie to every caregiver and aide, I'll thank everyone, and hopefully I'll be the pet Granny, whom everyone loves to wait on!

Actually, I believe you earn your Love and Respect, and I am quite sure, my kids will be there to the end with me, not because I expect them to be, but because I won't expect them to give up their lives for me, nor would I allow it! If they come to visit me in the Nursing home, it will be because they want to! I hope I can achieve just that! I've certainly made that known.

They aught to teach courses about this in high school! Eventually, everyone is faced with elderly parents and Loved ones!
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