Help! How do I get my father to calm down and not try to leave?

There are light-beam sensors for doors, as well as tracking devices for people like your dad, but the question is can you do this all alone? Not everyone with AD goes through this behavior, but it's very common and when it happens, it's very difficult for one at home caregiver to keep the person safe.
You may be coming to a point where caring for him at home won't work. That's why memory units are locked - this behavior is part of the disease. I hope you live in an area where there are wonderful memory units that are homey and inviting, with good hands-on care.
Also, of course, ask his doctor to try other medications. However, sometimes nothing short of drugging people with AD will stop this behavior, and you don't want to do that. So, even if you want to hang in with at home care for now, please start looking for options.
Good luck and take care,
Carol

My aunt starts making plans to go "check her house" every night, and putting her in a "memory unit" is not an option for a number of reasons. For a while distractions worked - saying I'll take you tomorrow, works occasionally. But then she'd forget that, go to her room, and come out with a couple of paper sacks full of stuff she had to take to her house. (Her house is in California, by the way, and we live in Indiana). I put her in respite care once a month, and when she tried it there, they called to ask if they could give her Tylenol PM. "Works like a charm," they told me. I hated to say yes (Benadryl is the PM part) but you know what? When you're exhausted, when they're that old, when you have to take care of yourself -- so I gave permission. Since then I have relied on it more and more. All the literature says it can make hallucinations worse, but my aunt seems the same. Sweet and loving during the day, stubborn and quick to rage at night if she doesn't get her way. Then came the big surprise. I read about coconut oil as a treatment for dementia. Started giving her 1 tbl per meal. Overnight, everything changed. She still wants to go home but when I tell her, oh, let's go in the morning, she'll say, ok, I'll just go to bed now. The day I ran out and was too tired to go get more, she immediately reverted to nonstop, agitated talking (from 10 pm. until 5 am). The next day I bought a huge container. Check out www.coconutketones.com for really good information. If you decide to try it, I get mine at WalMart - it's in the vitamin section,$10 for 12 ounces. More and more people are finding out how helpful coconut oil can be, maybe it might help your dad. At least to tone him down a bit! Good luck! Oh, and by the way, haven't given her the Tylenol PM since starting the coconut oil.

Redirect! Redirect! Redirect! :) That is the best way to get them off of the course they are on... Change the subject. Create a distraction. Talk about something that they would have loved to talk about 40 years ago! Childhood memories are great too! They seem to revert back in years mentally to that time anyway. Talk about childhood teachers. Pets or hobbies as a kid. If appropriate, sometimes a snack will do the trick. Sometimes NOTHING you do will change their thinking though. That is ok too. Take a breath. Smile and keep going. It is a stressful thing. Just do your best and don't let it get you down. I know if can be very frustrating. I also put the "child safety" knob covers on the outer doors. That gave me some peace of mind. She can't figure out how to open those. :)

This has been an ongoing issue for my mother-in-law, who is 92. We brought her back to her house almost a year and a half ago, when she was doing very poorly on the memory unit of assisted living. I stay here with her around the clock, She is still very ambulatory, doesn't fall, has a good appetite, and is strong, despite being a very petite woman and down to just under 80 pounds. She has been insistent for more than two years now, that she needs to go home, that being her childhood home in Tennessee and has tried to walk away a few times before I got the doors secured.. She has been on aricept for about three years, and a little more than a year ago started on Namenda and a couple of other medications to help with the afternoon/evening/night sundowning and sleep problems. This helped a lot, but did not totally eliminate the problem. I had to find some creative ways to secure the three doors that go to the outside or garage. Since then, her walking from door to door to door for hours at a time has been greatly reduced, but I don't expect that it's ever going to stop completely as long as she is still ambulatory. My concern about coconut oil is that I wonder whether it has a laxative effect. If so, I don't think we want to use it. That's not something we need to add to the equation here right now. This wandering, and lack of ability to stay anywhere or stick with anything for more than a couple of minutes has probably been the biggest challenge we've had. Sleeping or riding in the car seem to be the only things that bring relief for any length of time. We are hoping to be able to keep her comfortable at home for as long as possible.

All good advise. The Alzheimer's Assoc. has a prog. called Safe Return. The memory impaired person wears a bracelet w/the phone # of the prog. When you apply, they put all the emergency info in their data base & can reunite a lost person w/their family. Of course, it's important to have the safety locks for prevention, but I think that this is a good insurance policy just in case.

You definitely need to make sure all doors and windows are locked. There are many Warning devices available that can prevent your Dad from getting out of the house. The kids had new doors installed that had very hard to open locks. I even had a hard time with them. We also purchased very inexpensive alarms, about $1.00 each that made a extremely loud noise when someone tried to open the doors. We also put big Christmas bells on the door handles so my Mom could hear the ringing. Most unpleasant behaviors occur in the evening, it's called Sundowners, the change in light gets AD patients aggravated. Watching TV calmed my Dad a lot and he loved the old cartoons. I mentioned keeping the windows locked because Mom said Dad tried to climb out the windows a few times. He could have fallen and got hurt. Notify your local police dept of your Dad's condition and his roaming. Make sure your Dad wears an ID so he can be identified. AD is a devastating disease and it is emotionally draining for the caregivers. You will come to a point when you know it is safest and best for your Dad to be in a memory care unit. It's a hard decision but it is for his care and safety. My Mom got to a point where she was a nervous wreck taking care of him, she didn't understand much about AD or how to deal with the person. We had a trust set up while he was still competent and that was the smartest thing the kids did. We knew it was time but made sure Mom knew it was time before we placed him. God bless you and give you the strength and courage to deal with your loved one.

Hi my mother is 90 and I am going through the same thing her. It is very hard and stressful I know I deal with that a lot at times found out she had a bladder infection. She still does this at time but nothing nearly as close. And at times when she gets in those moods there is nothing I can say or do I'm her daughter and won't listen to me no matter what I say or do. I just have to wait it out and let it blow over and this takes at times anywhere from 1 to 2 to 3 hrs. But when the dust has settled I told her whats wrong why she gets like that and treats me mean she said I don't know did I do that? I'm sorry I don't know. I found out that Coconut oil or juice has Vitamin B-12 in it and also these people need the B vitamins they are very low and if you look up this you with find has a lot to do with memory and other related things. This I believe is what they are all lacking and a lot of people. Hope this helps!

All good advice but Carol hit the nail on the head. I second her comment, there are wonderful memory units that are homey and inviting, with good hands-on care." Maybe you can no longer do this from home. Look into AL facilities in your area. If you don't have the funds, at the minimum get his meds changed. You'll never be able to breathe, even if you get the bracelet, install locks etc.....

Good luck.

- SS

Catjohn22: Coconut oil can cause diarrhea if given too much too soon. I started my aunt with 1 tsp/meal & she was fine. Gradually I've worked her up to 1 tbl/meal and she's fine. I don't think she needs more than that, but she definitely needs it everyday! Thanks for bringing up a good point.

Pam, I went through that and now called it the year of hell, day and night. I have chains on the tops of the doors and even though Mom would pull on them and yell at me, she was safe inside. They have no reasoning and will go right in front of a car, dont let them out. When my Mom tried to open a window, I immediately called her neurologist! He called in Dapokote sprinkles right over the phone when I told him what I had been going thru. Wow, why did I wait so long? Its actually an antiseizure medication in which he says is safe for dementia to calm the brain. At first she slept a lot, then she got used to it and was just normal again. Well, not normal, you know what I mean, dementia without the aggitation. To my surprise she actually acted as relieved as I was so I know the aggitation wasnt comfortable for her either. You open these capsules and sprinkle on food, I put in pudding for her everyday. Good luck, I hope he gives you some. (Before I retired I remember reading some of my previously trouble-maker students were this medication to calm them)( Btw my mom never had a seizure , its just a nice medication for them and safer than black label meds)

I have the same problem, but my dad is in the beginning phases, it actually strated with ICU psychosis.....we got him to stay with us about 5 weeks and now he is back at home. I go over there twice a day, and call him 4 times a day. He in not incompetent in the laws eyes, so I can't do anything so far.....I can't figure out what to do. He is on medicine for agitation but it isn't helping him either....it is actually for dementia and psychosis......but it isn't helping. I hope I can figure out what to do before he drives somewhere and doesn't get enough oxygen?????

Kimmie, I would put a GPS on his right away, here is one that was on the news.

Good luck, dont lose him, I dont think he should be alone thou.

Above all, as you've probably already learned, don't argue, reason, or explain anything to him. Is there an adult day care you could take him to? When my aunt first came to live with me, she also wanted to 'go home'. I'd tell her that I'd drive her home, then take her to day care. If you are able to do this, he will tell the staff that he needs to go home. But if they are at all trained, they will know what to do. The change in location seemed to convince my aunt that she had gone home. Eventually she began sundowning - so I put a full spectrum light on her in the mornings (sometimes up to 4 hours!) which helps her be more aware of day vs. night. I also give her 1tbl coconut oil/meal daily. It doesn't make her not want to go home, but makes her much easier to manage. I'll tell her that I'll drive her in the morning, and she'll just go along with it. In the past, pco (pre-coconut oil), she would argue and go into a rage. Now she just goes to bed. The nice thing about coconut oil is it has no side effects (unless you give too much, then you get diarrhea). If you're interested in the use of coconut oil in dementia cases. Good luck!

I call my Mom Houdini and the Energizer bunny , not a good combo. She could not focus on much but she focused on escape and trickery and distracting me, to get out. After 1 year of her "escaping" no matter how I tried to get her to be safe she'd get out!!! For a year every week on my only day off she'd say I am going to take a nap. So I was like OK good I can rest. This was a trick, I was a dummie!!!LOL ... She spent sometime in a "lock in unit" 3 doors locked to get in or out, bars on windows(no way to escape). While visiting her there one day she whispered in my ear, I am going to pretend I am taking a nap and sneak out the window (which I knew wasn't possible in that place) wait in the parking lot I'll meet you there. Then I realized how she did that to me. From that situation my only solution was proper medication for stability and a NH. I hated doing this but now I am sooooooo glad I did. The NH is now her independence and she feels she has freedom and even tells me to go home and worry about my own problems. I am not saying it works like a charm for everyone but it did for me. I accept that she doesn't want my input anymore. In some cases she does. What a person needs is security and comfort they want to do what they want to do. When she says now I want to go home she means her room.

Ok...I know he probably shouldn't be alone, but you have to remember that dad had absolutely nothing wrong at all until 10 weeks ago when he went in the hospital to have a "voluntary" surgery that supposedly would help his breathing. (he has copd) Well, he went in using 1 liter of oxygen only at night, and comes out with respiratory failure and on 4 liters of oxygen 24 hours a day. He also develops ICU psychosis when he is in the hospital, and this time has not come out of it all the way. A GPS system would be great....however, he would never ever wear it!!!! haha! We had him the lifeline thing...and it was a waste, he wouldn't wear it. He also told all the home health care people to stop coming. He also told the pulmonary doctor that he goes to that he waasn't wearing the new little contraption that he wanted him to wear, and if he didn't like it, he would change doctors! My dad has always dressed perfect, and still does. He also wears the best stuff, and is very very very private and vain. He worries about what everyone thinks about him....and I always knew he would be very difficult when he got older :( I have talked to the police about what he drives and if he gets turned around where he lives. He only goes to 3 different places and luckily I know where they are, and have talked to the people that work at those places. I do have a call into a social worker, which I did not want to do...but with my dad being normally so hateful...in a normal healthy mind...I just feel like this is the best way to put him coming to my house to stay at someone else's fault....(I hope) He won't go to doctors appts, and won't listen to me at all right now. As I said before, he is not legally incompetent so there is not much I can do at this point. I am his care agent, and legal appointed guardian if he ever needs one. All this stuff has been done, but is only in effect if he is declared incompetent or can't make his own decisions. If anyone knows how to help me with all this, it would be great :) The gps would be great, and I would do that if there was anyway I could make sure he used it...but he will not even admit anything is wrong!!! HES REALLY GETTING TO ME!!! I worry about him all the time!!!

Before you have a breakdown, go visit some memory care units near you. Have a list of questions to ask, things to see, eat a meal there. They are much safer than a loved one being able to walk outside without anyone knowing or getting violent because they can't get outside (this happened to someone in my family - she had to lock her bedroom door at night or she'd be attacked by her own husband with his cane or whatever he could get his hands on!).
The deal with Memory Care or Alz units is USUALLY that the people who work in them have more training on how to deal with dementia behaviors than in regular AL facilities. They also are there because they like working with that particular population. You can't be around multiple people with dementia for 40 hours a week if you can't stand it. My parents moved to one a few months ago and I can breathe easier. When they were in indep. and AL, my dad was leaving their apt. all hours of the night, roaming the hallways, riding on elevators, knocking on other residents' doors, waking them up because he couldn't find his way to his own apt., sometimes was only partially dressed. In memory care, he was safer and his dignity was spared. He was a kind, mannerly, Southern gentleman, who would've been mortified if he knew he was behaving that way. We had to get sitter for him thru the night, at $1100 per week!! And his dementia made my mom's stress/dementia worse. It was vicious cycle. When they move to Memory Care Unit, it gave them both some relief, and me, too! It cannot feel good to be agitated like that either. Dad was on meds for agitation that seemed to do nothing but make him sleepy and fall more often. It's so hard. Good luck.

Kimmie I am so glad in a way to hear you are worried about him. That only means he's in the right hands. I was informed that the only way to get guardianship is if someone is found "legally incompetent", or am I unclear in what you wrote? Is it written in a legal document that when and if he is declared incompetent he grants that power to you? This is very important to understand his legal ability to make decisions on his own right.
Anyway you have to understand your Dad's behavior in another way. It took me a while to do this "mindset switch" myself. I will explain.... If you had a child you were babysitting and the child was going to stick a screw driver in a light socket and you stopped him by pulling the child away "that would be your duty" and the right first reaction, BUT....if you told the child to stop and yet watched, and let the child tell you, "I don't want to listen to you" and you know the child would cause harm to himself... You wouldn't say go ahead get yourself electrocuted because the child knows best.... That's Crazy right!!!
What I am trying to get you to understand is at this point if your father is endangering himself in anyway, it's because he doesn't know better., You do!
I thought I could keep my Mom ( remember tricky Houdini) safe but one night I was sleeping in her bed with her , I had a feeling she was going to take off, she waited till I was in LALA Land climbed over me tried to walk out the door that was completely booby trapped so she decided to go out the window she crossed the street , there was a 14 mile long lake in my neighbors lake front property back yard. Luckily the neighbors dog barked "12:30 AM" woke the guy and he saw my mother up to her boobs in the lake!!!!! He called the police they called me a daily event at that point (never in lake or dark before) And all she had to say was isn't this police man nice and handsome too.... I asked her why she was wet she says "I was in a puddle" I hate to think about what would have happened if the dog didn't bark. Oh and by the way she told the neighbor her prior address and said she walked from there which in reality was an hour ride by car highways and up mountainous roads. She had no idea she left the house minutes before and was in the house across the street ....mine. I am calling my Story's You Can't Make This Stuff Up!!!! I got many more!!!
I understand everyone has a different situation but the bottom line is his safety and your sanity!!!! I finally have peace of mind and she does too in NH and I make sure her meds are for stabilization not sedation. She is actually the favorite at the home by staff and residence. 3 years ago was pulling teeth to get her to Dr, dressed, bath, etc.
Diagnosis of mental condition and proper meds and routine are key for starters. To get him to Dr. try whatever.... a pretty woman he likes a person he trusts.... tell him your taking him to a favorite place then go to Dr from there. Good Luck!!!!

I agree w/ wuvsicecream. It's about safety at this point, for your father. He clearly isn't of sound mind, just because he gets around ok and speaks up for himself and can get angry. Maybe talking to an eldercare atty will help. They would know what is involved in having someone declared imcompetent if your dad won't voluntarily make you his guardian or give you POA to make decisions/sign documents for him. And it sounds like he won't. My dad went thru a stage where he was mean as a snake sometimes - I could see it coming, could see it in his eyes. He pulled his fist back to hit me one time. He would yell in public at me over something he thought I was trying to do or something he thought I had said. It didn't help that he was 1/2 blind and deaf, which added to his frustration. He also became delirious after a 9 day hospitalization (his 1st time in hospital ever in 93 yrs) for pneumonia, got his days and nights mixed up, was trying hit nurses, shoved nurses and me, then would be sweet as pie in a few minutes. He also had emphysema from yrs of smoking. He wouldn't wear his oxygen when he got home, wandered all over the building they lived in, and NEVER got his day/night cycle back to normal for 6 months, until he died. Seroquel helped a little bit. Mostly, I think it made him fall more, as they increased the dose. The Memory Care Unit made him safer, and I worried less. A new dr. might help, definitely a geriatric specialist, and maybe one who practices with a geriatric nurse practitioner. The staff in the Memory Care unit knew how to "handle" him, distract him, keep him occupied. There are also case managers for the elderly who are usually masters prepared nurses who do nothing but that. They can have interventions for difficult elderly family members, handle situations like your own, give advice, etc. You could find some in your area by googling. Same with eldercare attorneys. Someone at APlaceForMom.com can help you with facilities that have memory care units - it's a free service and nationwide.

Hello. Sorry to hear of your fathers agitation. You mentioned that he is on meds. Is haliperdol one of them? My father is not as mobile as your father but his actions are similar. Haliperidol leaves him a little "spaced out", but it definitely calms him.

The thing that jumped out about pamnull's situation is that this happens every day about the same time. I recently read somewhere that this is common, and often the time relates to something in thier past. What if you plan something for that time everyday? Like put on a movie for him, or start a game of cards, anything to keep him occupied over that time period. (no harm in hiding clocks either). Has he ever missed a day and \not tried to go out at 11:30? what happened that day?

My mom was like that too. Turn out to be she had a UTI infection and one of her medications was another MAIN problem funny how I got her treated for the UTI and took her off that medication she don't do that anymore she still want's to do her own thing and be independent like she used to and tries to leave but that's normal.

My wife has Alzheimers, which was diagnosed six years ago. During that time I was the only full-time caregiver. Finally, 14 months ago I placed her in a memory care center where she receives outstanding treatment. My dear, dear wife is a a world of her own and likes where she is staying. 98% of the time she is upbeat and cheerful and only on occasion does she get agitated and aggressive, usually because of a change of surroundings or environment.

I love this dear girl so much and I drive each day to the center to visit her and she still greets me with enthusiasm. I have been advised that I should visit her every other day so that I can preserve my mental and physical well-being.

I am loathe to do so because I feel I want to enjoy her presence and present enthusiasm she displays upon my arrival and to just be with her. Also I would be exceedingly guilt-conscious if I did not visit her each day. I doubt she would miss me on the days I was not there, but I would miss being with this great wife to whom I have been married for 57 years.

What do you think? I am inclined to continue the daily visits since my love has not diminished and I enjoy seeing her even with this disease.

What are your thoughts? Thank you very much. Jim M.

Jim, go with your heart! My mom lives with us and sounds as thou mom is worse as she cannot talk or walk, etc, she is 90. No one would ever tell me to cut my visits if mom weren't with me, no one. Does that mean in should leave my house every other day? You are a wonderful husband, please follow your heart and keep up the visits, it's also routine for your wife and I bet is why she is so happy :0)

Jim, go with your heart! My mom lives with us and sounds as thou mom is worse as she cannot talk or walk, etc, she is 90. No one would ever tell me to cut my visits if mom weren't with me, no one. Does that mean in should leave my house every other day? You are a wonderful husband, please follow your heart and keep up the visits, it's also routine for your wife and I bet is why she is so happy :0)