My father is elderly and has health issues. My mother has always taken care of him but in recent years has had her own health issues. She is now not always capable of taking care of my father. My father, amongst other issues, has the beginning stages of dementia and will not accept in home assistance. He denies that he needs assistance, even though he does, and it is beginning to take a toll on my mother.
Has anyone else encountered this issue and have any advice.
I know it's scairy to have a person come into the home w/all the horror stories out there and your mom sounds like mine; has always been independent and and don't want help, but the above comments are right too, all we can do is what we can do unless your willling to take on petitioning for guardianship when you see things going south... And, don't get me wrong, I'm still battling w/mom as she puts it, but regardless of anything she thinks, I'm still just trying to help....
It was really hard for me to accept this in regards to my mother, who could in my opinion, have a much better quality of life than she is living now. All she needs to do is to allow some modifications to her living environment, like installing bathroom railings, move the washer and dryer upstairs from the basement; change her diet to a salt-free one.
One of the easiest ways to do this is to sign up for a Meals-on-Wheels program; they would make sure she would be delivered sodium free meals. But she refuses to do/allow any of these things to happen. I have offered to make the physical changes to the house, I’ve actually installed a hand-grip in front of her toilet and she actually went ballistic when she saw that I did it. She uses it all the time.
Ideally she should just move into senior housing, but when that conversation is even hinted at, she goes into a histrionic, finger pointing, and ultimately hurtful rant. And I have decided that I do not want to put myself through that anymore.
As long as she is not dependent on anyone, she is free to make her own daily decisions, no matter how I judge them to be not in her best interest.
By opportunity opening up, I mean when something major, that's health related, happens; like a fall, resulting in a broken hip or concussion; a fire/flood is started by them. They're going to be either, A: Scared and be more malleable, and possibly open to a change/help, or B: subject to social services deeming them a danger to themselves and/or another. This can put the next of kin in charge.
It's unfortunate that some people refuse help, but we must learn to accept and respect their decision - unless they are incompetent.
I have noticed that she's really beginning to slow down.
I wish you luck with trying to convince your father to accept help, for the time being, I've given up trying to force any issues with my mother.
When there's an actual health crisis you'll get an opportunity to make some changes. Accepting help is seen as a loss of independence and power for so many seniors, while not being allowed to help them is a real drain on us, the caregivers, resulting in lots of guilt.