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My dad had a stroke last year. But this refusal to take care of himself goes back years and years.


He absolutely *refuses* to take care of basic things like showering daily, brushing his teeth at least once. He's diabetic, had multiple heart attacks & a stroke and REFUSES to change other habits like eating food that will increase the likeliehood of another stroke/heart attack.


He will go weeks without showering, and he will only do it once I yell/curse. He will then respond "don't yell at me." Obviously this isn't healthy and I don't want to yell at my own father. My father isn't completely disabled - I strongly believe with enough physical therapy he will be fully able bodied again.


I'm 29, and I already have my own share of health problems/bad habits - a lot of them I seem to of inherited from him. Almost everything I hate about myself seems to stem from him, and when I get reminded of that, it just makes me more frustrated. I'm trying to get my career started in the cyber-security industry and all of this just feels so overwhelming.


The stress of it all makes me want to run for the hills and pretend that my dad doesn't exist. This is also causing some issues in my marriage that I really don't want to end in divorce. Advice? Please help!! I am SO overwhelmed.

You say here that nothing really is new.
But yes, it is time to sit with husband now and to decide what to do. For the future.
Much of that depends upon your father's ability to be alone, his assets and etc. He is nearly two decades younger than me and if he is in this condition then some of this is his choice.
Does Dad live alone? Do you and Hubby live alone? Because if so, no problem. It is up to Dad how often he chooses to bathe and how he wants to live, and up to YOU to correct the things that you learned at Dad's knee.
BUT...................(and I am known for tough love)
IF he lives with YOU and your hubby or if you and your hubby live with HIM, this takes uncombing, combing out. And it takes someone MOVING OUT.
In either case, it is time to change and to move on with separate lives.
As I said, Dad is about young enough to be my son (ok, if I started EARLY). Time he takes care of himself. You are about the age of my grandson (for real). Time to have a life.
You do not mention dementia. So he is capable. And it is time now to start buying books like "Boundaries" and separating, severing the natal cord and moving on. If Dad needs help in future you can assist him in seeking it, but it should not be you. You have a life to live. Seek help with your Hubby, the two of you together working through this "separation with support". I wish you so much luck. Truly. I hope you will update us as you move along, because your story isn't unique and there are here who will need to benefit from what you learn going forward. Good luck!
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You are pretty much describing my grandson's grandfather on his Mum's side. 60 years old, diabetic, eats everything and anything if it is not healthy, smokes like a chimney and gets around in a mobility scooter. John does shower and launder his clothes

It also describes my late neighbour Al. All was a lovely man to have as a neighbour, but was slowly committing suicide through eating the wrong foods as a diabetic.

There is nothing you can do to change Dad's behaviour. You also do not have to facilitate it in any way either. You can set boundaries, Dad you cannot ride in my car unless you have showered that morning. If you go to pick him up and he is not showered, drive away.
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Reply to Tothill
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Why are you feeling so responsible for your father and what he does or doesn't do? If he wants to live like a slob and be a slob, let him. Eventually it will catch up with him and he will pay the consequences, as it sounds like it already has in some ways. Your dad is a grown ass man, and you are not responsible for his well being. You have enough stress in your life with starting up your business and trying to keep your marriage afloat, and you certainly don't need the added stress of a father who obviously doesn't value his own life. Learn from his mistakes and do better for yourself. as you have a lot of living ahead of you. So take a step back, and let your dad live his life the way he chooses, and you live yours the way you choose. Best wishes.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Countrymouse Aug 17, 2020
Exactly.
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