So I thought I had made it clear to my parents that they would never live with me but some comments were made on a phone call today that makes me think the message may not be clear. My mom is very entitled and does not necessarily realize her demands will not be met. I immediately said no but still not thinking the message was received as they laughed it off. My question to you guys is how to prepare so that they have a safe place to go once the inevitable emergency situation happens. Do I start calling senior living places now? My mom is a narc and horrible and I will never have her in my home.

I spent over 5 years making a ten to twelve hour drive dealing with elder parent crisis. So yes, a facility near you is much better if you can pull it off.

Heres the thing though. After years of begging, arguing and pleading with my folks to prepare for the future, look at some assisted living places etc., I came to realize it wasn’t going to happen. I could only do as much as they would allow. I quite fighting about it and began waiting for the crisis that would force the issue.

And that was A bad fall mom had, put her in the hospital for three days , I then moved her directly to assisted living and tricked dad into moving in with her 4 days later.

Mom wanted to call a lawyer. I gave her my phone and the yellow pages but she had no idea how to use an iPhone. I offered to call for her. She took a nap instead.

So my advice is quit killing yourself trying to persuade them of anything. Not gonna happen. Do what you can and wait them out. I know it sounds callous but that’s the reality in for most of us.
Helpful Answer (25)
Reply to Windyridge
Kmjfree Jun 29, 2020
That is helpful and that’s the road we are on right now. I just want to make sure living with me is not an option so I may just bring it up on a continual basis to reinforce that they can’t move in with me. But maybe manage my expectations. Which means no plan is THEIR plan and I am NOT the plan.
I have had to have this discussion more than once with my mom - and like your parents - she ignored my comments. Boundaries are for YOU. My mom does not respect my boundaries - i ENFORCE them. It is to protect you, not change your mom.

Finally I said "you must listen. I've told you over and over that we do not plan to have you live with us. you need to be making plans for your next phase in life - where daily living becomes more difficult. It is not living with me"

Yelling, screaming, having relatives call - etc. Then, a few months later - the hints about us getting a bigger house with an inlaw apartment - so i laughed "good one- ha ha ha" and then had the conversation AGAIN. Again all of the drama. I stopped feeling guilty and started feeling angry.

It finally hit home when she was almost evicted for not paying her rent (i refused to bail her out yet again when she blew through her SS) and for harassing others in her building (threatening to call ICE) and in a panic she called me to come and get her and her things because she had to leave the building. I asked "where have you lined up to live" and her answer "you'll have to take me I have no where else" and I said "no - we've talked about this. Call me when you have your new place lined up" and click - i hung up.

Again the phone calls from relatives, neighbors, tears, screaming. ETC. Even my sister - "we have to take mom in" and i told her "go for it, but i'm not taking her when you get sick of it".

Well, mom called and begged the building to let her stay but i think that she "gets" that i'm not having her here. Now she whines about how she can help me if she lives with me. to which i reply that when our son goes to college we plan on downsizing to an apartment and might even move out of state. More tears at my insensitivity.

The point i'm trying to make with my story - is that your parent will pull out all of the stops over and over trying to get their way. You might feel guilty and let them move in. Then you'll be writing on this forum about how stressful it is, how you have no time or privacy, how your parent is taking over your home, and how you regret taking that parent in. Some parents would be different, but if your parent ignores your boundaries and your wishes, that is the type of parent that will be hell to live with.

NO is a complete sentence. Good luck.
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Reply to Kimber166
lkdrymom Jun 28, 2020
I think the best part of your story is that your mom that it would be a "Help to you" to have her move in.
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No, you leave it to them to do so. If you continue to do their "stuff" for them, why would they stay independent? Would it not be a message that you will "take care of things?"
Keep the boundaries up. Suggest, when anything is said, that they need to begin to look into living situations now, or it will be more difficult later for them. Continue to reinforce "NOT AN OPTION" . That's all you can do, and see to it you NEVER take them in even temporarily.
It is much like having a young person , your child ready to leave home, but still intent on you doing stuff for them. You need to break the cord. They need to do things on their own and understand that they will never cross the boundaries you set. There is in fact a book specifically named Boundaries. Start forming them now.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
Kmjfree Jun 26, 2020
Thanks For the answer and support. I thought I had made it clear but I think I will have to make it more clear. I guess I got blindsided today and was not ready with a strong answer. I was just shocked that they seemed to think it was their decision and not mine.
Affirming what AlvaDeer expressed. How old are your parents? Also, if you make the plan then they blame you when they're unhappy with it. If you pick the place they blame you, etc. Personally, I believe in informing them of what their future holds if they DON'T plan: if no PoA is assigned now, then guardianship by the county and family has no say, no control. No savings? Then Medicaid. Mom and Dad, some of the better senior communities may have waiting lists so maybe start looking into that, etc. Hopefully your parents are not already sliding past the cognitive impairment line, but unless you visit them in person there's no sure way to tell (or you can conduct your own *non diagnostic* test by asking them specific questions, like who is the President, what season are we in, today's date, etc). Even if they show up on your doorstep with suitcases, take them to the nearest extended stay hotel. When my ding-dong in-laws made no plans and saved no money and then were shocked SHOCKED! that we weren't going to take care of them and pay for everything I informed them this was the retirement they planned for. Not planning IS their plan and your parents must live with it. Let us know how it goes! Good luck!
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Reply to Geaton777
Kmjfree Jun 26, 2020
Thanks! They have savings but no plan at all. Is it better to have a POA or not? Seem okay cognitively but definitely slowing down. Is it better to just let the inevitable disaster unfold?
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Km, let's say there is an emergency. Dad falls, goes to hospital. Hospital says " we can only discharge him if there isx24/7 care".
This is NOT YOUR EMERGENCY and you are not required to move them into your home.

You say "they dont have money for 24/7 care and I cannot house him/them. What do you suggest?".

It is the job of discharge planning at the hospital to discharge to a safe environment. If they can't afford home care, they go on medicaid and go to a nursing home.

If they'd like to avoid having to be placed in the first available bed, they need to do some planning now.

Adult children are neither a retirement nor a care plan.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Agree with what AlvaDeer said but I'd like to add this. If you have them come for a visit, make sure there is an exit plan (or better yet, a hotel reservation). I read online recently (I don't believe it was this forum) that a woman had her widowed father for a visit and when she asked for his return plans, he answered "I'm not going back. I live here now." Don't risk that situation, whatever you do!
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to CarlaCB
Beatty Jun 28, 2020
My Uncle would say he would go to live with his daughter if widowed. She said, that will be nice. For one week. Then I will drop you & your belongings at the local pub/hotel. He said he was not joking. She looked him in the eye & said NEITHER AM I.

It was never tested but he would be living in that hotel!

I've told mine if they want a choice, pick out a home. If they don't, the hospital social worker will choose it for them.
Km, the thing about boundaries is that they are for YOU. So many folks here say, "well, but my parents don't accept my boundaries".

Don't expect them to be happy, accepting or for them to move on easily. They may well be aghast, upset, cry, threaten, bargain, pull out Fear, Obligation and Guilt. They may call ALL of the relatives, friends, allies and say "can you imagine...after ALL we've done for her..."

Nope, dont buy it, don't own, don't go to that dance. Don't explain, don't try to convince. Don't be swayed by inheritance or promises. If your gut says no, it's no.

Just "No, mom and dad, that does not work for me and my family. You will need to make other arrangements. I'm happy to help with the arrangements but the choices need to be yours".
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Kmjfree Jun 28, 2020
Lol. We are your parents... I will record you and send to all the relatives... We paid for your college... AFTER ALL WE HAVE DONE FOR YOU.., Heard them all when I told them they could not visit during the beginning of Covid. Ironically my mom ruined all relationships on her side of the family so kind of took the bite out of that one at least. My moms already threatened the inheritance one too. Said she would give all the money to the church because I had the audacity to suggest they change their will to include my nephew after my sister died last year. If not for my dad I think the boundaries would be easier. He is my weak point.
I am 53 have many local friends my age and work in real estate. Among friends and situations I have run across in my 30-year real estate career, I have seen many poor souls take in the aging mom/aging parent(s). I have yet to see one instance with good results. Always the same story - it started out with good intentions and ended poorly.

I met a property owner a few years ago who had converted his garage to an in-law apartment for his wife's parents (had gone into debt to do so). He said the parents moved in and fought 24/7, including physical. He said it was shocking and they did not know the parents' marriage was like that. He said it was hard to get them out of the house and living somewhere else. Now he was stuck with this strange room in his house and he told me: "Don't EVER move a parent into your home!!!" He seemed so broken.
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Reply to Upstream

My mum wouldn't do anything to help herself or make things better for herself. It came to a head when she was ill and needed care so we moved her nearer to her family. I found a lovely warden assisted flat in a lovely block near to me with a nice communal room and activities. But she wouldn't even go and look at it and wouldn't discuss it. The upshot of it all is that she lived with my sister until my sister died then automatically came to me and it's not been good. I would advise you to make the decisions for your parents and almost treat them like stubborn children. Be firm and don't give in. I will never ever expect my children to have me live with them as I don't want to affect their lives as much as my mum has. It's unfair and very selfish.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to NannaJ

Stories like this make me think all adult children should move at a minimum a few hours away from their parents, so they can't be called upon to do everything for them.

A few times zones away? Even better. Everywhere in the world is just a plane ride away if a real emergency happens.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to ZippyZee
Upstream Jun 30, 2020
Yes!!! LOL. That is my biggest regret in life, that I chose to move back to my hometown and ended up living a block away from my parents when they retired. I did not know their marriage had soured over the years, and they brought all of their problems to my doorstep. It's been a hard decade and continues. I have considered moving away but I can't move far ENOUGH away because of my & hubby's careers.

I have two old friends from childhood that had both joined the military, and within the past year have moved "home" to be close to their aging parents. I'm thinking "boy are you in for a surprise!"
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