Elderly parents trying to force themselves into your home; do I start calling senior living places now?

Let them take the initiative to plan for their future. If you want to help them, next time they hint at your place say that's not possible but I can help you find a suitable place for yourselves. It's their responsibility, not yours.

make arraingement to tour places spend time togethr, lunch at these places, etc

Keep asking them every time you talk with them "what senior living places have you toured?". You could mention a few that you have heard about but make them do the investigation. Keep it up until they actually start going for tours.
I got the emergency call you talked about and found out my parents had not done one thing to prepare themselves for old age. It was a mess and actually never really got stable until they had both passed away.

If you're serious about not taking responsibility for your parents' care, why are you doing it? Stop!

I would like to be a fly on the wall during these conversations when you explain to your parents that they can never come and live with you. I wonder if any objective listener would be able to tell that this is what you are saying? - let alone an entitled wishful-thinker.

When you say to your mother, perhaps more especially your father, "dearest aged parents, what are your plans for living arrangements when the time comes?" - and they say, ho ho ho, we'll move in with you - and you say, hee hee hee, I think not, what is your real plan? - what's the next line of the exchange?

What I suspect is that instead of saying NO you are giving them 101 reasons-why-not to toy with, trample on, argue about and - ultimately - ignore.

"NO. You are not moving in here. Repeat that back to me so I know you have understood me." Getting them to state in terms that they understand your home is not open to them is your goal. Not getting them to agree that you are right, fair and still a good daughter.

Concentrate!

Hold your ground. Continue to set boundaries regarding their living arrangement. Contact senior housing for alternative care for them. Usually but not always an emergency involves hospitalization. In that scenario, skilled nursing rehab may be needed and initially would be covered by Medicare. Ideally, it is best to have a plan before an emergency with living arrangements already in place. However, they need to be involved and aware to develop said plan.

Kmjfree; here's the thing about those calls.

Please don't expect either parent to "understand", "agree" or "back down" their demand that you house them. People like us keep thinking that if we just find the right way to explain things....

No. They won't. They don't think that what YOU want matters. No matter how you explain it.

They will try anger, tears, threats (disinheritance, suicide [call 911 immediately], never speaking to you again). They will trash talk you to the entire universe.

You have to just say "no, I can't possibly do that" (why?). "That plan does not meet my needs" (YOUR needs, why you little ingrate).

"It won't be possible for you to live here, because this is my home and that is what I've decided"

Try not to get emotionally invested in their approval or their anger. This is about your right to your home, your peace and your mental health.

And if you are not already seeing a counselor, therapy can be a safe space to practice these conversations and to begin to understand why you have the absolute right to say "no".

Kmjfree, let me tell you how your mother thinks your small house will work; she thinks that she gets the master suite and you and your DH move into the small room.

Isn't that obvious? (Lol).

My MIL is much like your mom — entitled, narcissistic, and manipulative. For years my husband told his parents that moving in with us wasn’t an option, and for years they — well, she — blithely ignored this. Am sure her thinking was she groomed him to be the family doormat & he would do it in the end. This forum helped me help him to set the boundaries & keep them.

After years of “nope, ain’t happening”, FIL passed away and MIL immediately moved in with her 2 daughters who live together. At week #5, the 3 of them decided MIL should move in with us. Yup, THEY decided this without even consulting with us. Hubby told them HELL NO — wasn’t ever an option which he has made clear all these years. We had already looked into Assisted Living Facilities because we knew what would happen, and he suggested them. HELL NO was their response.

That was 2.5 years ago, MIL is still living there, the 2 sisters haven’t spoken with him since, MIL only calls when she wants something, and all 3 bash us at every opportunity to whoever will listen. It has been the most liberating time in our lives.

If parents are secretive about their finances, there isn't a heck of a lot that the OP can do to search for a place; she is being kept in the dark about what her parents can afford.

To my mind, that means that they need to do the research themselves and settle for what is available when there is a crisis. Let me tell you, the FIRST thing the hospital discharge planners asked us about were mom's finances. You get into a better nursing home if you can private pay for a year or two before you go on Medicaid.

Not letting your responsible adult child know about this stuff when you've reached your late 70's or 80s is shooting yourself in the foot.

Absolutely. Do a some homework, tour the most promising ones. Describe the situation to the salesperson. They have experience of just about every situation you can think of.
Make sure you have all the facts at hand if your parents get more serious about their presumption that they can move into your house. You'd do well to also plan for them to downsize and move. Just have it all together or they'll come up with a dozen non-reasons why they "can't."

Yes, call-- do your homework and even call the county eldercare line 211-- and use their Ombudsman as a go-between. Your home is your home.

Friend went through this. The sad part is that after they refused to let them in their home, they changed the will and left their entire $5 million dollar estate to charity!

Don't bother trying to make it clear enough. Your mom has your number. She knows that if she refuses to understand that she can force you to do it your way when time is short. If she brings the subject up directly say "We have no room, you need to make other plans. How about going to that place you like for lunch? We had such a nice time there before." The change of subject is essential. Refuse to argue the point

Also, make sure that there are no spaces in your house that are available. When my husband and I bought a 4 bedroom beach house we made sure there was no guest room. There was my room, his room, the library and the study. He is a night owl and I am an early bird so adjoining bedrooms have suited us well. No beds in the library or study. There was a chair that converted to a cot in the library and a sofa bed in the study for real guests. The mattresses that came with these were not very good. For guests we loved we had foam mattresses stored in a closet to make the beds more comfortable. When his mom would come we left it plain. This was part of an implementation of an agreement my husband and I made when we got married: neither parent would spend more than 5 nights with us. I don't think his mom ever stayed more than 3 nights.

We are not heartless. We spent many hours with his Aunt when she was in her final weeks. I even worked from her hospice room so there would be someone with her when MIL went home for a rest in the afternoon. My husband commuted from Washington DC to Baltimore every evening after work to be there for the evening hours. When it was his mom's final months he kept her company during the day and spent his evenings in her house for 6 weeks to go through her things, prepare for the homecoming that never happened. During that 6 weeks I was on the West Coast caring for my mother after a temporary problem or I would have been helping too. Nevertheless, we kept our agreement. Our home is a respite for US. We do what we can for our elderly relatives in THEIR homes and in their hospice rooms, but we do not let anyone move in with us and we do not take up residence in their homes. We need each other and we need our times of peaceful solace. Families tend to get rather pushy about wanting you to do what makes them happy, even if they are not narcissistic. You need to set boundaries for yourself to be sure that you maintain a place for yourself to be you.

You said ‘No’ to their question. Now, give them time. Meanwhile, be ready to suggest other specific options, if they raise the issue again.

Imho, I believe that you've answered your own question - "you will never have her in your home." Reaffirm that with your parents.

Kmijfree, you stand your ground and say no!!! Absolutely No!!! They cannot live with you and you aren’t living with them. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You know what happened. You do what is right for you. If they are competent you can’t make them go into any kind of facility. You have to wait for a crises to happen. In the meantime, say no to your parents!!!

Lonewolf, I'm sorry your mom had dementia - my dad had AZ and it's a horrible illness. You were blessed to have had a good relationship with your mom. My mom tried but her focus was her own happiness, and that was the demise of all of her relationships. We were raised that taking care of her meant doing all that she wanted. So time for her meant less for ourselves and our own families. I looked forward to the time when we were done with assisting parents and I could totally focus on my own family. My mother passed three weeks before my husband. So, yes, I'm in a resentful mode now, resenting all the time I wasted on the elusive happy mother, only to lose my sweetie. So, please -- hold your lectures on being dutiful children...just not feeling it.

It is amazing how some children talk about their parents.  I wonder if parents talk about their children the same way when they were born.  Did parents said something like "I can not wait to find an orphanage for this child, I can not keep it too long or it may think is going to live with me in my house for ever"

We live with our parents for a long time, they fed us, clothed us, etc.  Should we really talk about them the way some people do?.

I took care of my mother for the last 7 years of her life.  She had dementia.  Now she is being gone for 8 years and I miss her a lot.  She tried hard to be a good mom.  She was not perfect; but I know she did the best she could with what she had and what she knew. Now I have no regrets, I paid back the love and care she gave me as a child for many years, more than I gave her. 

You said your mother is a narc and horrible, she is very entitled,  you saying those words about your mother, what is that make you?  How long did she took care of you? or did she abandoned you?  Like it or not we owe them.  Is a debt that at one point or another it must be pay.  What you are doing to your parents is what you are teaching your children to do to you.

You are so right to start looking now while they are, hopefully, fully capable to understand what you say and what you are helping them do. Looking into and talking about senior living with them should help them feel more at ease. Some of these places are beautiful and cater to the whims of seniors. They are NOT nursing homes, which I believe your parents are afraid of. The elderly have a very different perspective of living in a senior care facility than we do. Showing them what to expect could turn the key for you.
Just make sure that all their "end of life" papers (will, power of attorney, and health care power of attorney) are settled.
Good luck.

Real question: why not cut yourself off from them if that's how you feel? I mean seriously...why are you even communicating with them? I don't understand why you would further a relationship with them if you have no intention of ever helping them but to put them away and complain about them to anyone who will listen. Why haven't you told them you have no intention of helping them by allowing them into your home? Let's be real here: you haven't. Hmmmm...yep. I read too many of these. There's 3 sides to every story: yours, theirs, and the truth. Be real with them so they don't believe you might because if they are asking you have created it too.

You need help with communicating skills that always have a love message while you talk to your mom and dad. The content of "what you want" comes when you have a warm relationship verbally. The basis for getting what you want can be with this approach. Mom...I have thought about this for a long time. I can not be a caregiver. If you came here I would be doing things out of duty. I have gotten advice that it just wont work and I would always be stressed and it would just get worse and we all would be miserable. You can get a consultant to evaluate their abilities to live alone. That is after your success in "getting into their minds" they can not live with someone who is not a caregiver. Sounds like they are currently functioning fairly well and maybe need a house keeper or...once or twice a week. Remember, they have had this 'IN with you" in their minds for years and have not talked to you about it until "now". God has put in everyones mind "FAMILY" and they are expressing to you what that means. Do not give in! You are not a caregiver and will never be one. It is nothing to do with "guilt", just a fact. Out of Love they will understand. We all have learned in our life to accept "rules" or laws and we just have to live with them.

If you can't or won't have a parent in your home and there are valid reasons for this choice, and it is YOUR CHOICE, then you must start making arrangements. Keep them informed and if they won't listen or cooperate, and I assure you, they won't - be prepared with a Power of Attorney and all the backup you can muster. Do NOT if that is the best scenario allow them into your home - your life as you know it will end and you will destroyed, especially if they are demanding and difficult. Do not wait and start planning how you will get this accomplished. If all hell breaks loose, you may have to get the guts to just get up and walk away and let the authorities handle the situation.

My grandma always told my mom and I that she would never want us to care for a elderly family member. She took care of her mother in law and said it was hell. I have always listened to that advise.

My grandma was a very giving, strong woman and was pushed to her limits.

I don't know much about the personality of a narc, but tell your mom that she should start looking into Assisted Living facilities available to her in order to know of one that she likes when the time comes. Hopefully that will get her to see that living with you is not an option. If mom is not capable of or not willing to, then you might want to look & tell her of a couple of places that you've checked out for her. Is your dad the one you should be speaking with about their future? Stand your ground & support them in their hunt for a new place for them to live.

You're in a difficult situation. I have read a lot of answers and replies and it seems pretty evenly split between those who say that one should care for parents in the home even if the relationship is already strained and those who say a firm no and here's where you need to go is the best response.
The reality is that it's almost never a straight line. Parents often won't discuss the future or prepare for it with their children because it's either too painful or they can't deviate from the parent/ child interaction.
The first thing to do is to become medical power of attorney for each of your parents. Situations generally evolve sometimes rapidly from an illness or a fall. Having medical POA allows you access to their health records and to speak with clinicians.
During this acute crisis, you can often get additional leverage, such as becoming a signer on their checking and savings accounts to pay bills and manage healthcare finances. It's an entrée and it's very helpful, because you may very well be trying to help one parent make decisions about another parent and helping to make sense of all of the bills.
If the crisis resolves and your parent is able to return home, try to have that discussion with them around wills and trusts, power of attorney, living will and all that growing older entails. You will also need to understand their finances, as independent or assisted living may not be financially possible as it's quite expensive and not paid for by insurance.
If the crisis does not resolve, you'll be catapulted into the hell that many children with older parents experience. But you'll have the help of case managers and social workers in hospitals and in physician offices who can help move your parents to a safe environment and help apply for services such as Medicaid if necessary.
Knowing what I know now, these are the best things we did, and we were stumbling in the dark at the time: Find an elder attorney now and meet to understand how things work in your state. Then contact organizations such as Council on Aging to connect you with service and information providers in your area. Talk to friends and colleagues who've been through this.
This is the beginning of a journey that may very well leave you with wisdom and understanding that you never expected. It did for me and for all of my friends and colleagues.
  Please remember that the expression of love and responsibility comes in many forms. If you try to find the best answers for everyone involved, you'll generally come to the right conclusions.

I do sinserely sympathize with Apeter. i have seen many precious elderly friends who hadbeen great parents rejected and or neglected by their adult children. Thankfully, they all had long term care insurance and or wealth so they could take care of themselves with the help offinancial advisors and or attorneys.I have also seen a few very loving and grateful adult children treating their parents with the love and respect they deserve.Life is filled with a variety of good and bad people of all ages.I am 86 and I am glad I do have long term care insurance. i hope to never be a burden to anyone.I will always be so grateful for my wonderful Mama and I will always be so glad for every little thing I ever did to show myloveand adoration to her.

Does "narc" mean an addict? If so, you are right to refuse to have your mom live with you. Nobody should ever ever even consider having a seriously addictive person to live with them. Age and or relationship has nothing to do with it. A truly serious addict is impossible to live with. Nobody should try to live with them unless and untill they have completed a long and proven successful withdrawal treatment program.Rare exceptions might be made for a very old and ill person who was very truly responsible and stable before becoming ill and in pain.However, a lot of expert help and support would be needed for the caregiver.In almost all cases involving serious addictio,n, only a very good well supervised assisted living situation is feasible.

I took care of my mom after a few surgeries, and it became apparent I could not take care of her physical needs skillfully if she couldn’t live independently. And it gave me the opportunity to discuss that with her. I learned a lot during that time.
Previously, I already knew that she is very difficult to please and if you do something for yourself she gets seriously jealous and expresses those things in an unhealthy way. Both me and my sister have been thru therapy twice. My therapy was decades apart, because of her narc tendencies (world revolves around her). I think if someone has these tendencies they make it much more difficult to take care of because their emotional needs are high and they need to be center of attn. Plus, they have been draining your reserves for decades. So, when they do actually need assistance one is already tapped out. In one moment they will overly praise you, but as soon as you do not capitulate, they use guilt trips, passive aggressive behavior, for the littlest things. It can be very very manipulative. I am working on boundaries as well. But when you are dealing with someone who has honed their guilt trip skills over a lifetime and you are the caretaking sort it is difficult, and guilt seeps in. Watch when you set a boundary. At first you get ridiculous resistance, but hold firm, and say I am not changing my mind to the person. That is helping me.

No parent ever thinks when they read the pregnancy test that those adorable babies that clung to their leg will one day grow up to not care about them! I’m 63 & my hubby was diagnosed with a terminal illness several yrs ago. My kids were spoiled, loved to death, college educated, braces on teeth at 5k a pop. Yet while they have high paying white collar jobs & are active in the religion they were brought up in...they haven’t done much to help. I found it shocking behavior actually. When parents get older, even very good parents can be abandoned. We live in a very selfish, entitle society where the me first attitude prevails. I feel abandoned and hurt deeply. It’s weakened my faith in the Bible. I struggle with that now. My husband and I love our children but if we could do it all over we wouldn’t have children. It was very expensive and an unappreciated venture. The money could have been used in more productive retirement vehicles. Thank god we have money & a decent retirement fund. Children are not self sacrificing & one day those kids will be old & in need themselves & they will suffer the same fate as they made their parents go through! People are only interested in things that benefit them. When parents become a burden I have to wonder what’s going to happen to many of them? The really sick ones. The poor ones. There are always two sides to every story! My Mom has lived with me for 20+ yrs. and she has a high level of needs. It’s definitely not easy but she is my parent. I can’t and won’t just throw her away to catch the covid 19. People can sacrifice more than they do. They simply do not want to. Get ready for the same treatment one day. It’s become a pandemic to abandoned ones parents.

Stories like this make me think all adult children should move at a minimum a few hours away from their parents, so they can't be called upon to do everything for them.

A few times zones away? Even better. Everywhere in the world is just a plane ride away if a real emergency happens.